why am I relapsing?

[CovertCactus]

Today it felt like the fecal matter had hit the oscillation. I started my crappy new job today and I just hated life. I don't what caused me to feel like crap but I started missing my ex today for the first time in a couple weeks. Work felt like absolute misery. I think being water boarded would have been better. In all honesty nothing bad happened but I just felt horribly depressed. I think I may be loving her again. I know I shouldn't. She dragged me along emotionally after the break up because she knew I still loved and she ended up hurting me even more. I sacrificed so much for her when we were dating. She openly told me she would only come back to me if her new relationship didn't work out. I was a plan B. I know I can never take her back. I deserve so much better. So why am I suddenly loving her today when before my feelings for her were either complete hatred or moderate dislike? Even when I was disliking her I would occasionally think about us being back together but it never had an emotional impact on me. I know it's not healthy to just hate her either. Last week or so she sent me a friend request on facebook after unfriending me a while ago. Today I couldn't help but think or rather hope that it was her way of trying to slowly come back in to my life. I was hoping she realized that marrying a guy after a month of dating was a huge mistake and that he can never ever add up to me.

 

I know I'm not a second place prize. I may be landing a good job soon and my life will be turning around for the better. I plan to buy a new car and a house if I do get this job and I'm going to rub in it in my ex's face because she is living with her husband's parents (he still lives at home). I know there are women who are better than my ex in every way who find me attractive and desirable. After work I went to get groceries and as I was walking home I passed by a gym and I looked through the window and made eye contact with a woman in the gym. I looked away and kept walking and when I looked back a few seconds later she was still looking at me and then she quickly turned away. I think there was another woman in the gym looking at me too. It was a nice confidence boost after a crappy day. Just thinking about it is making me feel a lot better. I made an eharmony account and even though I haven't uploaded a picture there are still women who are sending me messages. So it's not that I can't get women and I know I can get a woman 100x times better than my ex. I'm not being bitter either. In all honesty she is only moderately attractive, like a 6.5 or 7/10 and she isn't very smart or ambitious or anything special. Right now I love her and I know I shouldn't.

 

Maybe it's just the loneliness that's getting to me. My best friend went in to the navy and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Once I get my financial situation back under control I'm hitting the dating scene hard. I think having some female company will help me keep my emotions in check. Writing all this really helps me feel better and hopefully after I get some sleep I can look at this tomorrow and scold myself for acting like a pathetic loser.

[SpottiOtti]

I think the last thing you need is to get your emotions in check. Your post is filled with anger and bitterness. I think you need to process all of that ASAP! And I hope you don't scold yourself tomorrow, because you are NOT a pathetic loser for being angry and hurt over a breakup!

[CovertCactus]

I think the last thing you need is to get your emotions in check. Your post is filled with anger and bitterness. I think you need to process all of that ASAP! And I hope you don't scold yourself tomorrow, because you are NOT a pathetic loser for being angry and hurt over a breakup!

 

I think the first thing I need is to get my emotions in check. I don't want to hate her or love her. I just want to be indifferent about her so I can forget her. Today I woke up not wanting her at all and it was great. Some bs that my family pulled today is changing that again. I went to work and my parents called me a bunch of times and left me urgent sounding messages while not telling me a single thing. I called my mom and she said she needed me to pick up something from her apartment, she didn't say what other than something. I called her again during my lunch break and she said she needed me to get her wallet and to not worry about it because her friend was giving her a ride home. I still wasn't convinced that everything was ok but I dropped it. I called my dad and he too had the worried tone of voice when I called him and he didn't tell me what was going on either and he hung up.

 

After I got home I took a nap and when I woke up I had a missed call from my mom. I called her and she told me she was flying to Chicago to see my sister because she is going in to surgery tomorrow to get a tumor removed. I never knew about this and my mom said she thought my sister told me. I asked her if it was cancerous and she said the doctors don't think it is but it has to come out. Me and my family are not really close but how could they just not tell me about this? This pulled this same crap when my grandfather got cancer. They told me about the cancer but they never told me it was terminal and they all knew except me. All I could think about was the time I got back from Iraq and I called my grandparents and my grandfather said he was feeling fine and doing ok and that was the last time I ever talked to him. A few weeks later he died. It wasn't until after he died that I found it was terminal and I felt like crap for not calling him more often. I realize now my dad probably knew about the surgery the whole time. I'm worried that my mom isn't telling me the whole truth about my sister's operation. It wouldn't be the first time. I don't want to call my dad because I know he is going to treat me like an idiot and not tell me anything.

 

This in turn reminded me of how much I wanted to start a family with my ex. I wanted my own family to be close to and love. I wanted to make her pregnant and start a family with her. I fantasized about her being the father of my child and my wife. She wanted me to marry her but I wasn't ready yet. After we broke up she told me she always wanted a child from me too but it was too late for that. I always thought a family with her would be the greatest thing to happen to me. For the first time in my life I actually desired a family to be a part of. I wanted to forget my dysfunctional family and just start a new one with her. I loved her more than anything and she left me. What's worse is that she strung me along with her games and bs to hurt me. I just couldn't understand how her feelings for me disappeared like that.

 

I just wish I could forget her completely. I don't want any feelings or memories. I just wish I could forget her like nothing happened. There's no way I could ever just be friends with her. She is always going to have a significant value in my life. I can't find ever find any middle ground between hating her and loving her but the only way for me to be completely over her is to find that middle ground. If I don't love her and if I don't her hate then that means she isn't important and I can forget her and leave her in the past forever. It's just hard to forget someone who meant everything to me. I know she probably won't ever come back but if she did I can't help but wonder if I should forgive her when she refused to do the same for me. I can't see things ever being as good as they were before and I still think I will say no if she does but should I waste the chance I wanted so long ago? I hate this so much.

[Twidom]

I'm afraid "to forget her like nothing has ever happened" is impossible. For now it hurts. A few months from here, it will become bearable. Maybe a year from now you're over all of this. But the scars will be there, no matter what. I think it's time to accept your reality. Work on things you want and let memories be memories. We can't escape from our past. But we can build our future.

[CovertCactus]

I can't keep hating her. I still love her. She meant the world to me. I miss holding her and hearing her cute laugh. I only have a video of that laugh now. Thinking about kissing her on the head makes me miss her so much. Some of her mail got delivered to my place yesterday even though the post office is supposed to forward her mail to her. She was supposed to pick it up last night and she didn't and I was hoping to catch a glimpse of her from my window. Yes it's pathetic I know. I was even hoping she may even say hi to me. I know I can't have her and I need to move on with my life. I'm trying to turn things around for me. I need to take care of myself. I just hope one day God, fate, the universe, whatever will reunite us. Until then I'm going to rebuild my life one day at a time. I will be thinking about her. It's ok because she told me she thinks about me all the time.