question about seeing ex for 1st time since break up

[laguitarra]

ok so from all the post i have read, i have learned that when you first start hanging out with your ex or having some type of casual contact you are not supposed to bring up the relationship. so here is my question-

my ex wants to take me to have a drink, i have been doing no contact, i told him that i would try to be friends but i need time or to take it slow, my problem is that i have a few unanswered questions about our relationship and i feel that before i can know if i want to be his friend i need these questions answered. questions like, was he seeing other people even though he said he was'nt? i know for a fact that he was and he denied the whole time. it's fine now b/c i finally broke it off but if he wants to be friends i feel like he needs to be upfront with me. is this unreasonable? i feel like i should'nt pretend to be his friend when i still secretly resent him. if he wants to be honest with me and tell me what went on (not too many details) and apologize then i could be his friend but if not i dont think i can. what do you guys think? how should i go about this?

[Switch187]

Well if he invited you out to have a drink, he may want to talk to you about something as well. First try and see what it is he wants to talk about. If the "us" conversation starts to brew, then you can feel free to get out what you wanted to say as well, since he initiated the "us" conversation. If all he wants to talk about is how things are going and mainly shoot the sh**, then just sublty put little hints in the conversation and see if he picks up on them. If all else, you can just be upfront with him, and tell him what you need to say if he tells you that he wants to be friends with you now (that's when you say "well before we take that step I need to know something from you"). Although "us" talk is supposed to be kept to a minimum, sometimes it is necessary before any further steps can be made. All relationships are different, and take different actions to work/not work. When my g/f and I broke up, almost 80% of our conversations were "us" talks, just because there were things we both needed to know and say to each other. Most people said we shouldn't do that, but it helped us "heal" faster, as well as help us see that we still wanted each other, "flaws" and all.

 

Mainly I think the best thing you can say to him is what you said in the end of your post. "If you want to be friends then I need you to tell me what really went on, if not then I don't think a friendship will work between us". Good luck.

[savannahohsavannah]

Liars Make Bad Friends!

 

That being said, you have already acknowledged that you knew he lied to you. Why do you want this LOSER back in your life? Let him go and move on.

Savannah

[Softmoonlight]

I wouldn't bother with it. Being around him will only bring everything up all over again, and you know he lied to you. I would avoid him.

 

I actually went through a similar situation with an ex of mine. He was cheating and i know it because I got it out of a few of his friends on different occasions. Then he was angry when i kept declining to be friends. I told him unless he admitted it we couldn't be friends, and he never did and you know what? I'm happy. I didn't need that moron in my life anyway.

 

the longer you are away from someone, the more emotional baggage gets lifted from your shoulders and you realize how unperfect you were together anyway.

 

Don't bother hon. if he has lied to you before, he won't get any better.

[laguitarra]

i think what you have said about him being a liar and not changing is probably true, as much as i don't want to believe it. here is my dilemma, not only was he a liar, he is broke. currently his gas bill is in my name. i didn't want to shut it off when we broke up and then i thought we could be friends, or atleast not hate each other, so he told me he would get it switched into his name. he will have to pay a deposit which i know he doesn't have and it is very cold. so should i

 

1) have it turned off and not notify him

2) let him know it will be shut off at a set date

3) let him keep it until he can afford the deposit

 

at first i was going to just leave it b/c i was pathetic and did not want the loser angry with me, but the more i am away from him things are more clear, he lied and used me and i should not have put up with it as long as i did

 

on the other hand, i remember the good times and for some reason i cant make myself fully see that he is not a good person! and i can not bring myself to be cruel to him. i don't know where to draw the line btw being cruel and standing up for myself.

 

i was thinking of writing an email, it would have to be something short, b/c he can only check e-mail over his cell phone, or i could write a letter or i could call, or try to meet him in person. i want to be matter of fact about the whole situation and i am afraid of becoming emotional with him or in front of him. for some reason i want to write and email and let him know how i feel @ everything but ask him not to call me or respond for awhile? does that make any sense? i am sorry if this is confusing. i cannot write clearly b/c i cannot think clearly. my head is a mess write now. thank you everyone for the advice you have given.

[laguitarra]

to make this more complicated, i know he was cheating b/c i snooped (listened to voicemail), i know it was wrong, but it's done, so how do i go about this, how do i confront him if i should? ok, listened to his voicemail and heard girls leaving voicemails pretty often, i finally confronted him and he said they were just friends (i don't believe him, the voicemails were very incriminating) plus the girls on the voicemails, he had never mentioned them, he always talked about girls that were actually friends, anyway, when i confronted him he broke up with me, we remained friends but acted like we were still together, so he was going home for thanksgiving and i was taking him to the airport, i wanted to sneak some brownies and a magazine as a surprise to him in his carry on bag and when i went to put them in the bag, there were condoms and some cheesy sex coupons right on top of the bag, so i flipped refused to take him to the airport and dropped his bags off at the airport, he claimed that he put the stuff in there as a test to me, i believe he was lying b/c i listened to his voice messages and there was a girl who was very anxious to see him. i have no idea why i am posting this in the getting back together forum b/c after telling all of this story that is the last thing i want, i guess i just need advice on how to handle the gas bill situation cordially . Sorry for the long post! thanks again!