Coping with DV Tragedy

[Cyhiraeth]

I doubt anyone here remembers me, but I posted in this forum briefly about a year and a half ago when I was in the process of leaving my abuser.

 

I was *very* scared and alone back then, but I've come a long way since that time. I went back to college and finished my degree, and am currently working on second one. I got promoted at my job, and am well-liked by my peers. I opened my own part-time business and it's going well. I've even done a bit of world traveling to Europe, Asia, South America, and the Caribbean. I feel really good about life in general, even though I still think about my abuser and what I went through every day (even if it's just a passing thought).

 

I invested a LOT of time and energy into healing from my trauma. I found a wonderful psychologist whose specialty is domestic violence, and have spent a lot of time with her. I read tons of books and visited countless websites. I journaled like crazy. And I joined a local domestic violence support group, which was instrumental to my healing process. It was very hard to get in; I had to go on several interviews with the director, and then *still* wait almost a year. I finally got into the group last fall; there were seven of us in total. Of course it was awful to hear what everyone went through, but at the same time it felt nice to have that solidarity with women who could relate to me. We really bonded with each other.

 

Last night, I found out that one of our group members was severely beaten and strangled to death by her abuser. She was in process of divorcing him, and had a protective order against him. He killed her the same day they went to court to finalize the divorce - he broke into her home while she was away and ambushed her when she got back. They had been separated for a year already.

 

I am shaken to my core. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone - I don't even know how to begin to process this. I keep alternating between crying and feeling numb. I keep picturing her last moments, and how painful and scared she must have been, and it's tearing me up inside. I know the struggles she went through with this man - I saw her tears and heard her fears in our group sessions. She was a gentle, beautiful soul who didn't deserve this.

 

I just feel so devastated right now. I also feel scared and vulnerable, even though it's been eight months since my abuser last contacted me. I made an appointment with my dv doc tomorrow, but I was hoping to get some support or advice here as well. Has anyone here ever lost someone to domestic violence? If so, how did you cope?

[iamkaylee]

I remember you!

 

Congratulations on doing so well!!

 

I'll send you a PM.

[Seraphim]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My mother lost her best friend to domestic violence. She was a woman I had known since I was a year old. She has been gone more than 20 years now. My mother was utterly devastated for a long time. They had been best friends since they were 21. Now many years later she remembers all the beautiful things about her friend. In time to you will remember all the beautiful things about your friend too.

 

Keep up with your therapy and have this be a part of your therapy as well.

 

Maybe hold a vigil for your friend? Maybe set up a bursary in her name to help women to gain freedom from domestic violence? Find a way to make her life count.

 

Hugs.

[Cyhiraeth]

I remember you!

 

Congratulations on doing so well!!

 

I'll send you a PM.

 

(((((iamkaylee))))) it's so nice to see you again.

 

I remember how helpful you were to me last time I was here; it really meant a lot to me. I look forward to catching up with you.

[Cyhiraeth]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My mother lost her best friend to domestic violence. She was a woman I had known since I was a year old. She has been gone more than 20 years now. My mother was utterly devastated for a long time. They had been best friends since they were 21. Now many years later she remembers all the beautiful things about her friend. In time to you will remember all the beautiful things about your friend too.

 

Keep up with your therapy and have this be a part of your therapy as well.

 

Maybe hold a vigil for your friend? Maybe set up a bursary in her name to help women to gain freedom from domestic violence? Find a way to make her life count.

 

Hugs.

 

Victoria, thank you for taking the time to reply, and for your kind words. I am so sorry for the loss you and your mom experienced as well - that's tragic. ((()))

 

I missed her vigil the other night (although I suppose there's no rule that says you can only have one) but a bursary is a nice idea. I will talk to the group about that this weekend.

 

My friend was an athlete and was training for her first triathlon when she died. Today I decided to sign up for a triathlon (my first one) at the end of the summer, as a way to honor her. I'm looking for other things to do too - I will look for ways to make her life count. I like the way you worded that. Thank you.

 

I appreciate your support.

[Cyhiraeth]

My DV counselor really helped me today; I'm glad I was able to get in so quickly to see her. I still broke down crying several times today though.

 

She was definitely one of the "stronger" group members, which is why this seems even more surreal. She was very inspiring and really had a powerful presence. And I'm not the type of person to dwell on what ifs, but it's scary to think that could have been any one of us.

 

Her obituary says that she's survived by her husband and children - I got so angry when I read it, that he is even mentioned in there, the scumbag. Murderer.

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry that the paper mentioned his name. That is horrible!

 

A thriathalon is a great way to honour her. Maybe one day set up a foundation in her name to help battered women? My mother was an abused wife and after she left my dad and married my stepdad she helped to start a woman's shelter in the little town we move to because it did not have one.

 

My mother's friend's family was lucky they didn't have to deal with the man who killed their mother. After he shot her he blew his own head off. Unfortunately my mother had to find out about her best friend's death on the evening news. That was the way her friend's children found out too. My mother's friend was 45 years old when she was killed. She too had just left her husband less than a year before. He lured her back to the house saying he still had some of her belongings. When she entered the house he shot her with a hunting rifle.

 

Her children were already grown ( she had her son when she was 15 and her daughter when she was 17 )but she never got to meet her grandchildren.

[Cyhiraeth]

That is so horrible that her kids (and your mom) had to find out about their mom on the news. Wow. How awful. I suppose it's a good thing that they never had to deal with her killer, and see him and sit through countless trials and appeals etc. Although that must have made it much harder to get closure? How are her kids now?

 

My friend had five children; the youngest one was only three and the oldest twenty one.

 

Thank you again for your support, (((((Victoria))))).

[Seraphim]

Her kids are now grandparents themselves . However her son became a very bitter and cold person. He never got over the death of his mother in a substantial way. Her daughter dealt with it more effectively. One of the sad parts was that my mother's friend's daughter found out she was pregnant with her first child the day her mother died but never got a chance to tell her.

 

My mother's friend was also an only child an adopted child. Her mother grieved a lot at her passing. And her mother went on to live another seven years without her daughter.

 

If she was alive today she would be the same age as my mother, 68.

 

How are the children of your friend?

[Cyhiraeth]

This weekend was very rough - I am emotionally exhausted.

 

Yesterday one of the group members and I went to her wake. Obviously it was closed casket. It seemed so surreal. While my friend and I were at the front of the room paying our respects, her mom came up to us and asked how we knew her. My friend said from the dv support group, and her mom got very huffy and said, "well she was involved in a lot of things I didn't know about, such as running." Her mom *completely* brushed it aside. So there was an awkward silence and then I asked how the kids were doing. Her mom replied, "I don't know, I'm not allowed to contact them". So things became even more awkward. As it turns out (we discovered this afterwards), the mom was actually STAYING with the abusive husband! And there is a protective order for all of the kids against their grandmother. Apparently she was participating in the abuse. I wish I had known. I only knew about the husband. Her mom shrugged and said " well, it was just a bad situation." What??? It was a *horrific* situation. Getting a flat tire when you're already late for work is a bad situation. That's just disgusting.

 

After the wake, one of the other group members called us and was just breaking down, so we packed our stuff and went to her house. The three of us slept together last night. We were up until 4:00 am, just crying and talking and comforting each other. It helped.

 

Today was the funeral, and all the group members went to that. It was a very nice service; we learned things about our friend that we weren't aware of (we always only heard the abusive aspects of her life), and it was really nice to see what other things she had done in the community. She was such a beautiful person. At one point in the service, one of the speakers was trying to illustrate my friend's strength by telling a story. My friend was at a group lunch one time and kept complaining of a headache. Her lunch friends insisted she go to the ER. It turned out that she had a brain hemmorage due to a head injury. She almost didn't make it, but did, and that was the point of the story. But our entire group burst into tears because we all know where that head injury came from. It was so sad to hear.

 

I feel like I can't cry anymore.

[Cyhiraeth]

Her kids are now grandparents themselves . However her son became a very bitter and cold person. He never got over the death of his mother in a substantial way. Her daughter dealt with it more effectively. One of the sad parts was that my mother's friend's daughter found out she was pregnant with her first child the day her mother died but never got a chance to tell her.

 

My mother's friend was also an only child an adopted child. Her mother grieved a lot at her passing. And her mother went on to live another seven years without her daughter.

 

If she was alive today she would be the same age as my mother, 68.

 

How are the children of your friend?

 

Oh, I'm sorry to hear about the son. I can only imagine trying to process that kind of pain.

 

I'm glad the daughter is doing well, and that's wonderful to hear that she is a grandmother now too. How sad that she never got to share the news with her mom though.

 

The children of my friend are struggling very much with this. They are mostly young. My heart breaks for them.

[Seraphim]

Wow ,I am so sorry at the difficult day. It just breaks my heart to read about it.

Hugs

[metrogirl]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Years ago a family friend with a small son was brutally murdered by her husband. He actually killed her and their son with a baseball bat. I think a lot of people knew it was only a matter of time because he was a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

I think just by you posting here about her is honoring her. Maybe someone will come accross this post and find a way to leave their abusive relationship. Your words can help so many others, please never give up.

[Cyhiraeth]

Wow ,I am so sorry at the difficult day. It just breaks my heart to read about it.

Hugs

 

Thank you

[Cyhiraeth]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Years ago a family friend with a small son was brutally murdered by her husband. He actually killed her and their son with a baseball bat. I think a lot of people knew it was only a matter of time because he was a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

I think just by you posting here about her is honoring her. Maybe someone will come accross this post and find a way to leave their abusive relationship. Your words can help so many others, please never give up.

 

Thank you, metrogirl. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss as well - that's awful.

 

I appreciate your kind words. That would be great if I was able to help even one other person just by posting this. Thank you. ((()))

[Cyhiraeth]

I've been lurking on ENA since I last posted, but for some reason I wasn't able to come back to this thread until today. I started to a bunch of times but then always stopped right before I got here. It's like it was painful to come back and read it.

 

I'm doing OK. Still meeting with my dv counselor. Also I have a formal group meeting again in two weeks to get together and talk about everything.

 

Something interesting I'm discovering...I'm surprised at the number of people I've talked to who have similar stories of friends and acquaintances who have been either murdered by abusers or in severe situations of domestic violence. I would have never known, because the people I talk to have never brought anything like that up before, but it's amazing how many of them have a corresponding story to tell. It's like the fact that I'm openly talking about my friend's death is giving people permission to share their own stories. And the amount of people with stories to share is just unbelievable.

 

Even just today, I told my boss (as some of my counseling sessions are falling during the workday), and one of HER friends was murdered by an abuser too, many years ago. It's one thing to read about the statistics, but actually hearing personal stories from people I know is really putting it into a different perspective for me. It's so... Tragic. Disgusting. Surreal. Ugh.