Cycle of arguing and how to get over it.

[jamie123]

Every 3 months or so me and my girlfriend seem to have a big argument, most of the time I walk away from or hold my tongue in situations that could lead to an argument. But every so often she'll push the right buttons at the wrong time and I'll snap at her... at which point she snaps too and we have a nasty argument... usually over something trivial, in argument situations we seem to wind each other up and the situation just escalates.

 

At which point the cycle seems to always follow a similar pattern.

 

-Argument.

-Hateful texts and ignoring along with saying she wants us to split up.

-Less hateful but cold communication.

-Agreement to try again, but take it slow.

 

The problem is when this happens it always feels like I get the blame for everything, and I need to prove myself to her again, and I need to earn her trust(I don't get this?)

I don't see why she can accept that couples sometimes do argue and we both play a part in that argument.

 

During the hateful period, the same accusations always come out too...

-That I'm around her all the time and I crave her attention - this is despite the fact that I work long hours, and I've never stopped her doing anything, and she hates it when I'm away from her to the point she's fallen out with me for leaving to do something for myself.

-That I'm a psycho and I mess with her head and try and make out that she is stupid by what I say, I genuinely can't understand this one as when I ask her for an example she can't actually answer me. She seems to imply that I try and confuse her with things I say, but I only talk to her how I normally would.

 

At the moment it sort of feels like she thinks she has me on a piece of string, and can call on me or ignore me when ever she wants, and I'm getting annoyed.

 

I thought when couples made up everything was supposed to be fun again and you carry on where you left off?

 

I'm getting more and more annoyed with this stupid cycle, and as much as I don't want to walk away, the idea of it is getting ever more tempting.

[DancingFool]

Seems like you both have terrible conflict resolution skills and since she is not here, I'll only address your half in this. The first mistake is that you are holding things in until you can't handle it anymore and end up erupting over something minor like a volcano. That's pretty destructive. If something bothers you, try to address the issue civilly before you reach full steam of built up resentment. However, before you do anything, ask yourself a critical question - is this really an issue? If yes, address it. If not, let it go and I mean completely let it go. Second mistake is that it sounds like when you explode on her, the focus then turns not so much on whatever the issue, but the fact that you exploded and she is capable of standing her ground on that. If it gets ugly and borderline abusive, don't be surprised that she threatens break up. Also, when you say things in that kind of heat, you end up saying some horrible things - so again, don't be surprised that it takes the other person a long time to get over that and forgive you. When you blow up on someone, it's not going to be all pink clouds and fluffy bunnies. Blow ups like that cause damage and leave scars.

 

In short, work out how to address your differences in a less dramatic and damaging way.

[jamie123]

The problem is the smaller issues don't get dealt with because I can't talk to her about most things, when I bring something up as an issue it's almost instantly met with anger.

I don't know why but she seems unable to deal with feelings and emotions, especially considering the feelings of others, when I bring up an issue she says i'm just making something out of nothing.... One example of an issue I am constantly unable to talk to her about is the complete lack of any sex life for the past 3 months, I don't see that as making something out of nothing, I've tried various ways of tackling these issues, but there is no way I can find to talk to her.

 

and whilst the arguments do get nasty, the only time I eventually blow up at her is after she has already talked to me like crap, and given me abuse.

[DancingFool]

Maybe try a rational rather than an emotional approach?

[jamie123]

If i'm honest I don't really understand what you mean, can you give me an example of the difference?

 

Thanks

[MisUnderstood9]

Sounds like you two have very poor communication skills. You shouldn't be holding in every little issue. Small issues should be addressed when it happens and then once discussed let go for good. Holding everything in causes those huge out bursts.

 

If she is meeting these discussions with anger, ask her why she is getting so angry about it? Is it may the tone you are using when you try to discuss it -- is it coming off condesending but isnt meant too? Are you you saying it like annoyed? Or are you saying it in a calm manner to just point out that whats going on is an issue and then its met with anger? Do you address her anger with your own anger and annoyance or do you stay calm?

 

Also, when are you trying to bring up these issues? Is right when the issue happens or is it several days later? Do you read her mood before you bring up the issues?

 

I ask all of these questions because these are the questions I ask myself if my hubby and I get into a huge blow up agruement (which is rare that we do). Addressing the issue when it happens is best way to avoid major blow ups and then after discussing the major issue -- you let it go. You don't keep bringing it up over and over and over again -- unless the issue happens again.

 

I wouldn't say she is unable to consider the feelings of others but, I would say that I think the both of your should work on how you communicate with eachother better. Try staying calmer -- even if she is freaking out, just stay calm and ask WHY she is freaking out, point out that you are just trying to discuss something with her - ask if she notices that you aren't getting angry so why is she? Also, what type of environment did she grow up in? Is getting angry and yelling at eachother a way that her parents communicate with eachother or how her and her siblings communicate with eachother or how she communicates with her parents?

 

Sometimes the way we communicate and address things with family is usually the way we communicate and address things in our personal lives.