what are the steps to getting a divorce

[laroness]

Like many of you, I am considering the idea. But it's scary and I want to know what the steps are, how long things take, etc before hand. We have talked and he knows I'm thinking about this. I'm seeing a therapist just to be sure I'm not making a foolish, hasty, naive decision. He is worried, but doesn't quite believe me. He has some ideas of how to make it all better, but I have put alot of thought into this even before telling him or going to therapy, and I'm pretty sure of myself.

 

Below is some background on the situation. Skip it if that will give you time to answer the actual question.

 

I am 23 in a couple days. I have only been married since June 26, but we lived together for a little over 3 years. We met while I was in college. I was even more quiet, hesitant, and shy back then. There is an 11 year age difference. I think I was too young. At age 19 I hadn't gotten any real interest by men. That can leave one with some issues. We became friends, and I think that I confused some things. He was there, he was safe, so I latched on. I was content enough just living with him, but I did have times when I was not comfortable with some things about him. I was too complacent, however. I talked myself into sticking with him because relationships are known to be rocky now and then. But the same things kept creeping up.

 

Another strain is financial; I've been supporting him while he work on his business, but that hasn't gotten anywhere, and he doesn't have any steady sources on income. He acts like a little kid, and some how he always gets what he wants. And we pay (I've been saying we because we live in the first floor of a house with my mom and sister). I'm not really sure we have much incommon. We were never very active "in the bedroom" and part of that is because I'm not really physically attracted to him. I was trying not to be shallow, but I can't lie to myself any longer.

 

He doesn't seem to have much of a life outside of being with me, pleasing me. He's a bit overprotective, and over sensitive when I ask him to back off. It's suffocating. I've been losing my respect for him. The better I feel about myself, the less happy I become in the relationship. I've started working out, eating right, I'm going to see the dentist for the first time in years, I'm hopefully getting contact lenses (I'm on a trial this week, if things look good, they'll give me a prescription for them), and I've even started cleaning up my face (those pores on my nose are yucky, and looking close, I do have some pimpling going on elsewhere).

 

He wants to make me happy, but in order to do that he tries not to make me mad. He goes all subservient. Which does not help me respect him. I think I like a guy who really could live without me, one with a sense of independance. That's another thing. I'm learning more about what I need, what I want. I didn't now some things before.

 

He isn't abusive. He is loyal and a wonderful guy. I'm beginning to understand why people warn you away from dreamers - due to the nature of his business, he is essentially a "starving actor." Why can't I be happy with him? Arranged marriages sometimes ended in love. But we aren't in that time in history, or in any of the countries where there are arranged marriages.

 

The thought of ending it brings relief. I've been thinking about my reaction if he cheated on me. I think I'd welcome the excuse to make the final decision. I think he is what you might call a man who needs to change. I never expected him to, but I think I actually wanted him to. I'd never thought of it in those terms because it isn't as obvious with him. He is going back to the college to help with building the sets for their spring production. 6 hour drive away. Can't wait.

 

I could write a novel on this topic, but I don't have time to write it, and you don't have the time to read it.

[avman]

Well the detailed process of divorce is different in each state. But in general, you start by filing a petition with the court and serving it on your husband using a process server, the sheriff, or someone not involved in the relationship. The petition lays out your demands as far as property division, spousal maintenance, child custody, etc.

 

After that the process gets wildly different in each state. Some states have waiting periods. Others do not. Sometimes if the divorce is uncontested, both of you can file a settlement agreement with the court spelling out what you agree to. And then if the court approves it, the divorce is granted.

 

I'd suggest you either contact an attorney for advice, or head down to the county court and talk to the clerk about what the process is. The clerk will not give you legal advice, but they can tell you which forms you need to fill out and what procedures you need to follow.

 

Good luck.

[Scottrn]

You know inside what is best for you, but that can change as quickly as the weather here in New England. It's excellent you are seeing a therapist! Keep going to see him/her, even if you decide to go, it will help to deal with it and help you to gain a better knowledge of yourself, which will help immensely with starting over alone.

I'm in the middle of mine, not contested so here it means a 4 month "cool off" period involving a few trips to the lawyer and a few signatures. I did leave everything though, so that has something to do with the uncontested part. After that, it's a trip to court, get on the stand and tell the judge you are done.

Best of everything to you, my advice is to think long, hard and sober before you decide. Then stick to your decision and get it done.

Keep posting, I'd love to hear how it goes for you.

[catfood]

Whoa. I was in THE EXACT SAME situation as you. Met my husband when I was only 18, and thought it was love I guess (I am now 23). He was 16 years my senior and like to act like I was too naive all the time. Like you, I was waaaaay too complacent, thought that things would get better, trying to be the "good wife." He always put me down and held me down. I supported him financially for the most part.

Finally, when he basically ignored my most recent birthday, except to buy me a book on how to be a better wife, I lost it. I refused to read the stupid book, and he gave me an ultimatum: read it or I'm divorcing you. I let him go. Of course, the second he realized I was serious about getting divorced, he begged for me back, but I couldn't be happier with my decision. Hon, it's easy to get divorced. Sometimes it's the best way to go.

I was SO SCARED to leave because I thought the divorce would be a big scary process and that it would ruin my financially. Divorce is really simple. If you agree on everything, you just fill out a packet and turn it in to the courthouse. I started by seeing a lawyer who gave free consultations, and he gave me the packet and told me it would be best if I just did it myself. The whole entire process took 2-3 months.

Financially, it's a bit hard because I let him keep all our savings in order for him to refinance our house in his name. But I could'nt be happier. And I no longer have to support him!! To top it all off, I'm in a healthy, loving, two-way relationship. You have a whole life ahead of you.

[laroness]

We had another talk the other night. He is more aware now that I have been serious. He's also more aware of my reasons, although there are some points I'll just keep to myself to preserve certain illusions of his.

While it was an uncomfortable talk, it needed to happen and at least I'm now pretty sure that he'd eventually get on with life.

 

He does have that 8 week job coming up. We're thinking of using that as a sort of trial separation. I don't have the imagination to figure out what would change if we did divorce, so that would help me see.

 

We don't want to bring this up with our parents because his grandfather was just diagnosed with terminal cancer, and this will be our first Christmas without my father - it'll be a year on January 23rd. And it's the Christmas season and all... I don't know if we'll be able to keep things unobtrusive long enough to get past some of this stuff.

 

Any advice how to deal with that?

 

Time goes on and I become increasingly sure of myself in this matter. The main thing I'm sad about is the idea that he may take both the dogs. Dusti has become quite attached to me, and I to her, and her to the kitten. But is it fair to separate Dusti from Sonja? In the past, Dusti hasn't reacted well to being separated from Sonja. I know they are pets, not children, but I feel as if they are.

 

I just want to get on with life. I want to feel the joys as well as the pain (I havn't felt much of either for a couple years now, I think I was protecting myself from the pain that is in life sometimes, because I couldn't deal with it; now, I think I can - part of the changes I've undergone). If I ever do date again, it won't be until things are final and I've had time to figure out what my role in the downfall of this marriage was, what I really need and want in a relationship, and have stabilized the rest of my life (my professional life in particular).

[Scottrn]

8 week trip? Are you going to do nc while he's gone, to try to get a feel? It might not be a perfect thing because you'll know hes coming back at a set time, which might skewer your percetions. Alone, but only until this date, you know?

If you are getting more and more sure, thats something from inside you thats talking, just be sure to go slow and think clearly.

Not much I know, but I'm praying for you.

Keep dropping by.....