Getting it off my chest...

[MissLHR]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but anyway, here goes..

I hope that writing this down will help me to feel a little better.

The past 6 months have probably been the toughest 6 months of my life. I have had some amazing accomplishments but I have also had some devastating events occur and I guess everything has really come to a head in the last month and I feel like I'm at breaking point some days.

So I guess I will start from the start....

 

In September of 2013 my 6 year relationship ended with my partner cheating on me while he was overseas.

I was on placement at the time for university so actually dealt with it OK at the time.

I was too busy to worry about him and was focused on myself and my goals.

He came back from overseas soon after and we basically stopped seeing and talking to each other from the minute he got back.

Fast forward too early January 2014, and my dad is diagnosed with stage 4 aggressive brain cancer (a Glioblastoma Multiforme brain tumour to be exact). The doctors told us with treatment, on average he would have 12-18 months.

This was the biggest shock and turned not just mine but my whole families lives upside down.

So I've just lost my best friend and biggest comfort to me after 6 years and am now faced with the prospect of losing my dad in 12-18months.

I guess a positive thing for me during this time was that I graduated from university with a masters degree in occupational therapy. A big accomplishment but it was sort of overshadowed by the fact I didn't have the one person around I thought I would to celebrate with.

So while coping with all these personal things I am also frantically trying to find a job. Because I was on clinical placement for 16weeks in 2013 I had to give up my part time job. When it came round to the new year and once university was finished, I had nothing to go back too.

So I'm dealing with..

- an awful break up that broke my heart

- an awful comprehension that my dad is terminally ill and he's not going to be around much longer

AND

- the stress of looking for full time employment in occupational therapy, as well as trying to find part time work in the mean time so I have some sort of income.

 

I guess along with all this, my best friend is in a new relationship so is of course never around to see me. My other best friend moved to QLD to go to university. My friends from uni both have jobs and are in relationships. My friends from school all work and are all in relationships too. I have no social life and no one I know has really been there for me at all. I mean they all say they are there for me but I don't think they know how to be and honestly forget about it all because, yes, they have their own lives to worry about.

 

So here I am..

At home feeling lonely, doing nothing cause I have no job, feeling stressed because my dad has to go to the hospital every day for treatment and seeing no one cause everyone is too busy with their lives.

 

I feel unhappy, sad, lonely, miserable, angry, rejected, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, bored, worthless and stuck pretty much all the time and am really struggling to pull myself out of it.

 

To add to all of this my ex is now in a new relationship and our mutual group of friends all seem to be there for him, including them in group couple activities and I honestly haven't heard from anyone to do anything. I feel unbelieveably left out and uninimportant and no one knows or cares. I feel like I can't speak to my parents because they are dealing with enough right now and I don't want them to worry about me as well. My sister works full time and is in a relationship and my brother is the same.

 

My life feels stagnant and I don't feel like I can move forward till things start to happen. I don't know..I guess I just feel really helpless and really really alone.

[Minilogue]

Hey! You have a lot to be proud off, finishing a masters is no mean feat and a great achievement. I would just enjoy the time you have left with your dad and let the rest fall in place. Family comes above all else so I'm sure your mum/dad would be happy to talk to you about your problems. I think your dad would love to help you or at least talk about something other than the brain tumor for a change, last thing he would want is for you to suffer.

 

Chin up, puffed chest. Step right to it! Things will get better, the years after university are hard, adjusting to a new life. And your EX can get stuffed, I wouldn't worry about that cheating scumbag because that's what he is. You sound very smart, attractive and have a bright future ahead so chin up soldier!

[MissLHR]

Thank you

Mum and dad rely on me a lot and mum always calls me her "rock". I have tried to start the conversation with them so many times, and usually have no problem talking to them about these kinds of things, but I keep stopping myself from having the conversation because I know they will worry and I don't want them too. I help mum out a lot with dad's appointments and I guess I don't want our time together to be spent with him worrying about me.

But thank you for giving me a little ego boost I am trying really hard to stay strong and keep going.

[Minilogue]

Trust me your mum will always worry, I know that for a fact. That's just what they do, worry. I'm in my 30's and she still get's worried about EVERYTHING. I have to tell her to back off sometimes ( F OFF instead of back off is what I say) lol.

 

I'm sure your dad would like to talk to you, he has only so much time left so why wouldn't he help you out? Trust me when you know your going die or think you are going to die it really put's things in perspective and you focus on what's important to you, so I'm sure your dad will be happy to talk.

 

Soldier on!