Why is it so hard?

[bluemoon]

I've read a lot of threads and I beginning to wonder if love should give me this much emotional turmoil?

Loads of posts say follow your gut... but what if you can no longer tell your gut, your heart and your mind apart from each other?

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now

 

Here are the obstacles that have most certainly made my relationship more difficult for me

-LDR (approx 8months ) near the beginning of the relationship (after 2 months of seeing other)

-Anxiety

-Depression

 

My boyfriend is the sweetest guy though whenever I get anxious about our relationship and feel insecure about it, instead of being compassionate and reassuring he withdraws

which in turn makes my anxiety even worse and makes me feel ty and horrible. Then leaves me doubting if he even cares because he ends up getting to wrapped up in himself to see that I could really use some kind words and some reassurance?

 

He knows how to care for my physically i.e. when I'm sick, compliments my appearance daily etc.

However my emotional side feels deprived and at this point I feel like shutting myself off because I'm too embarrassed to even try make myself feel understood.

At the start of our relationship he made me feel accepted and I literally felt like the best version of myself, then came the long distance and everything seemed to go downhill from there onwards.

We don't know how to communicate with each other properly any more and he doesn't seem to get/take on board when I try to express my needs in the relationship.

 

I really love him, and i want to work things out and I know so does he... but sometimes I feel that we both need a lot of growing up to do. It really feels like a right person, wrong time scenario.

I want to feel the warmth of the acceptance and my confidence back. I know the depression makes it a little more difficult... but is it wrong to think that if I was with the right person it would be a little easier? Why do I feel so uncomfortable with myself?

[CeeLambrini]

If you were ever going to become strong at communication, it would have been your 8 month LDR where all you could do was communicate. You both need to learn how to do this if it isn't coming naturally. It can be remedied with some self-help books based purely on relationships or even behavioural patterns in men and women when it comes to communication. Above all, however - both of you need to be willing to learn and improve the relationship. If all he does is withdraw when you discuss your feelings, then it sounds like he feels he is being blamed. This, in turn makes your feelings worse because of him therefore he does become at fault for it.

Some books I'd recommend you both read:

 

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Grey - a little outdated but possibly the most recommended relationship self help book - and personally my favourite "first" relationship self help book. It helps you to understand both men and women in relationships and how to communicate to each other, rather than just one gender changing their behaviour to suit the other. He creates more of a metaphorical world where men and women both originated from different planets yet over time seem to forget this, and expect the other to behave as though they came from the same planet instead of loving their differences.

Why Men don't have a clue and Women always need more shoes by Allan and Barbara Pease. Actually, any of their books I'd recommend, have a look through and see which one applies to you. Similar to John Grey, but written by a couple so objectivity on both genders is still a main focus. I believe it adds a little more scientific explanation as well (based on brain activity and how we once were "in the wild")

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman - I am still halfway into this book, although it is very short. He has metaphorically used a "love tank" to explain how we feel valued in a relationship yet it only seems to become filled by our specific "love language". One person could only speak the love language of "quality time" and therefore feel valued when quality time is spent together. However, if the other persons love language is "gift giving" then showering their other half with gifts is how they show love, and the love tank remains empty without any quality time being given.

 

Hope these help

[bluemoon]

Hiya thank you for your reply,

 

you actually nailed it by saying that he feels blamed because that is actually what happens! I've tried wording things differently in a way that makes them sound neutral (but I guess when there is a conflict nothing will sound neutral) and by neutral I mean I would try and steer away from pin-pointing it to him and rather to a reaction that made me feel a certain way, and how it could be improved.

 

I think he's beginning to understand what I want from him but the way he reacts is still with defense or silence. I just sometimes feel he's not emotionally mature enough (we're both still young) to handle me being upset with something in our relationship, because to him he has nothing to be unhappy about.

So it's rather a case of him stepping outside of himself to try and view it from my perspective or to even stop and think for a moment to see if his reaction/words would be helpful.

Maybe that's easier said than done?

 

I think we both do have problems with abandonment. And then love languages.. I've noticed he loves giving compliments so that might be his love language? Mine would be quality time.. I mean having a good conversation now and then and having something interesting to talk about ... but he's a laid back quiet person who doesn't speak unless he really has to say something, when we're out it makes me feel bored and communicates to me that he's not interested and that in turn makes me anxious again because sometimes I really just need some positive interaction to calm my mind- don't get me wrong I'm a quite laid back person with not that much to speak about... but its so sooothing when my mind goes all crazy on me

 

The second book and the third book sound interesting, im pretty sure my parents have the first book lying around somewhere!