my heads such a mess.

[squirrel78]

Hi everyone.

This is going to be a long one so make a cup of tea!

I split with my ex beginning of December.

First some background.

We were together 10 years. I was 25 and she was 19 when we met. We met through friends and I will admit she wasn't my type to start with, but she was so nice we started dating. She was only my second LTR.

 

We moved in together 6 years ago, into her home town, 15 miles from mine. We never argued, things were great.

Not long after we moved in I started to notice she wasn't being as loving anymore, the sex diminished and our first proper row was on holiday and I can't remember a lot about it, or what started it, except We were drunk and I was crying, it was about me not feeling that she loved me anymore and she said that she felt she couldn't even cuddle her boyfriend to comfort me.

This should of set alarm bells off but I let it slide because I loved her so much and we promised to work on it.

 

A little while after I tried to end it because I still wasn't feeling the love but she promised she did love me and we would work on it.

Eventually the abnormal became the normal and we just carried on. She was the first girl i ever lived with so I assumed this is how she was going to be. We always said I love you to each other and still enjoyed being together and had fun but It just didn't feel right, she said she was just a very private person and we both agreed we had trouble opening up to each other and we would work together on it.

 

This is going to be a bit all over the place as I remember stuff. I apologise.

 

At one point about 5 years ago, an old school friend got in touch with me, a girl who liked me a lot when we were about 13 (nothing happened ever between us) and it felt nice to be speaking to someone who I thought genuinely liked and cared for me, and I suppose I had what you would call an emotional affair with her for a little while. My ex didn't know or find out and I stopped it before it went any further.

 

About 4 years ago she met this proper knob wide boy idiot, who she took a shine to as a friend, and after meeting this person I told her that I didn't like him and I didn't want her hanging around with him. He dealt cocaine and although we used to do a bit here and there I had finished with all the clubbing scene and drugs around the time I met my ex when I was 25/26, it had become boring but I made allowances for her as she was a bit younger than me and still liked going out.

One night she phones me at home (I had work the next day so didn't go out) asking if this fella can come back to the house, I said no, she starts begging and I assumed she was coming back with a few people so in the end I gave in and said whatever.

About 4am I can hear this idiot talking downstairs and tutted to myself and went back to sleep. When I get up at 6 there's no one there. On my way out the door she comes home looking wrecked, and I pull her up on where she's been. She hits the roof and when I have a go and say you woke me up at 4 she tells me to "grow some bollocks and come down and say something" I called her a coke wh0re and left for work, she phones me during the day and I get out of her that she came home on her own with him. I moved out, told her it was over and didn't go home for 3 days until she begged me to go back.

 

We used to have some good party's at ours and one night about 3 years ago after everyone had gone home we went to bed, and I had had enough of feeling like she didn't want me anymore, we only had sex when she had been drinking, we weren't communicating, and I told her that this wasn't what I wanted anymore and I thought we should end it.

She begged me to stay and declared her undying love for me, promised that we were meant to be together and she would give 110 % to make it work. I believed her.

 

6 months later she's pregnant, conceived on her birthday (Drunken sex again, probably once every 2 months tops, didn't tell me she wasn't on the pill anymore)

 

This is where it really goes downhill.

She wants to keep it, I know she doesn't love me and now I can't leave as she's pregnant.

I have got to man up and make the best of this. Which I do. I put everything I've got into her trying my hardest to make her happy and comfortable

The day comes when she goes into labour, I take her to the hospital and she wants her sister there too. Fair enough, they are very close. I'm sent on errands and while I'm out her sister phones and tells me that my ex doesn't want me at the birth, doesn't want me to see her in this state. I'm heartbroken. I'm not going to be there for my sons birth. But I have to respect her wishes.

 

Baby comes home. Things get really hard, obviously. Baby's in our bed, I'm sleeping on the sofa for over a year because she won't put him in he's cot, I'm working 6 till 6, doing all the evening feeds and housework trying to do as much as I can as she's understandably tired.

 

She gets a lump on her throat. Which turns out to be thyroid cancer. Were devastated and I'm terrified. Thought i was going to loose her. She has it cut out and has been given the all clear. I tried to be there for her every step of the way but she doesn't want me, she goes to our neighbour who has the same thing. I let her as she can advise her a lot better than I can seeing as she's had it. I can feel her getting even further away from me but I don't say anything as she has enough on her plate. I sometimes stand in the kitchen thinking 'if I was to leave right now no one would even notice". I feel invisible. There's a!ways people round my house when I get home from work, either neighbours or her family, there's no time for me.

 

Then the neighbours split up and we have a talk and she says it will never happen to us, we can work through anything our love for each other is so strong.

 

Then her grandad dies who she is really close to. I try to console her and be there but again, she pushes me away until one night a few days after the funeral she comes home drunk and tells me " I love you but im not in love with you anymore"

My whole world collapses. I ask her if she wants me to leave but she wants me to stay and we can try and work on it. I agree.

 

I go into romantic overdrive, love notes, doing all the housework and garden, rose petals on the floor and candlelit baths, looking after my son at night while she goes out to blow off steam, (I've got a herniated disc in my back and crippling sciatica at this time) all the cooking, romantic meals, just trying to win her love back but I can feel its not helping one bit. In fact I'm feeling as if she is cheating on me. She in the mean time is telling me things are going to be OK and we are going to be alright. She wants to go on holiday so I take her to Greece for a week. Our first holiday on our own for 5 years. She usually asked her mates to come with us.

 

4 months this goes on for until I can't take it anymore, and one Sunday morning when she rolls in after being out about 10am, and completely ignores me, I pull her up on it.

 

She says she's just tired and everything is OK but I push her on it saying I can feel it, that everything I'm doing isn't working and she admits that the feelings aren't coming back, how she can't pretend to love me any more and has been living a lie for the past 6 years. I tell her I'm moving out on a break, I'll pay for the house and stuff for a few months while she decides what she wants. I pack a few bits into a bag and move into my parents.

 

The very next day she is down the council telling them she's going to be homeless in 2 weeks and I've left her. The council phone me and I tell them what's happened and they want us to go for an interview.

She has lied to them and I have a real go at her, giving her some home truths about how I've been feeling for the last 5 or 6 years, so much so that she slaps me in the street on the way to the interview, although I admit I was saying some pretty horrible things, all the truth though.

 

She packs all my stuff into bags over the next few days, tells me to leave and to take our dog with me, who she wanted to get 6 months previous.

 

So here I am, 2 months later, living at my parents at 35 while I look for somewhere to live, only seeing my little boy on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

 

The worst thing is I still love her, hope for reconciliation, hope she will have a turn of heart and realise she does love me. I want my family back together and for us to be happy. But I'm not holding my breath.

 

Sorry for the messy post, there's loads I've left out but its tearing me up to even write about it.

 

Just really needed to get a lot of it written down and vent a bit. Sorry for boring the pants off of everyone.

[toby4]

I'm so sorry for your awful situation, You're still in shock it's the death of your relationship. You've lost something very special to you and it's going to take some time for you to adjust to your new life... You're still used to the way things were and all it's goign to take is time for you to settle into your new REALITY. It's gonna be hard, but you'll come out of this better and more understanding of what you need from a partner. It's good to hear that your parents are helping you out until you can stand on your own 2 feet again and i for one dont think it's a bad thing. It shows how much they love you and how much your well being matters to them, focus your love on those who will show it back to you, aka your parents.

[squirrel78]

Thank you Toby for your kind words. I feel such a fool. I should of trusted my instincts years ago. Its my son I really feel for, none of this is he's fault, he's such a lovely little boy.

I just wish I could go no contact but obviously I can't. She's giving out breadcrumbs already, telling me she misses me. I was feeling better until she sent that, now I feel back at stage 1.