Crossroads with my newly lost ex GF

[peaceman]

I have been in a faithfully committed relationship for almost two years. I am 38 and she is 42. We're both reasonably good looking. Things started out strong, she came on to me like a thunderstorm. I hadn't been with anyone for a year before her, so I know that it wasn't a rebound jump. According to her she was with a man for about two years before me but he had never offered commitment or expressed that he loved her.

 

Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, but never very serious. Just the little stuff that happens when you're close to each other. It could have just been a tough day at work, and the significant other will catch some of the venting.

 

We watched other friends of hers get married and everyone was asking when I was going to be ready. She had been hinting to me since the first six months. She even produced a ring given her by an ex-fiance she ran out on 8 years ago to say she had one to wear. Call it point of pride but I did not feel right having her wear his ring for me. Each time though I told her that I was coming closer to be ready to make that commitment. I would tell her how much I loved her. I explained that I was just making sure that I had my finances in order to make such a commitment, that I would be able to support her and any possible children we might have.

 

Last summer my father died and I had to sacrifice a lot of time and income to help my mother with her affairs. My GF was supportive to me through that time. Unfortunately though when the lawyers get involved with family matters things can get really srewed up. It seriously damaged the quality of relationships with my family. It also has put a lot of stress on me over the first few months of this year. I'm sure my GF could not help but feel it as well.

 

On a Friday about 5 weeks ago my GF emailed me "Hey baby, wanna do something tonight?". I was out in the field and didn't get the message until rather late that evening. I went to sleep and decided to call her in the morning. She never returned any of my calls. Normally we spoke just about every day. Even the last few times we were together we would both profess how much we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

On Sunday evening I was in her neighborhood on some business so I stopped by to leave her a note. I was concerned that she was alright. As I walked up to leave it she drove up with her ex-fiance and looked very shocked, not happy, to see me.

 

It took a few days but I finally got her to admit that they had decided to get back together after 8 years. I told her she had broken my heart, lied to me for days and that I had wanted to marry her. She just said she couldn't break his heart twice and then said goodbye and hung up.

 

I have refrained from calling her, but I have sent her some poems and I love you e-mails. I told her I was not swayed away from someone I love so much that easily but I hoped that she is happy. She has never responded to one of them. I once sent her flowers.

 

I had to make the final payment for the engagement ring that I have been scraping for since December last year (six months).

 

Now I'm at the crossroads. Do I just never tell her I got the ring, or do I drop by her work on a late afternoon and tell her that even though she may not wear it for me I meant for her to have it as my gift?

 

Part of me is hopeful that she may have a change of heart. Part of me just wants her to have the gift I struggled to get for her. Part of me says I shouldn't.

 

I realize though that if I don't take the stand to express my depth of feelings, she will probably continue to move deeper into him and farther away from me.

 

I hate the grieving period, you can't eat or sleep. I work from home but I haven't been out of my room for over a month. I try but I still haven't mastered the strength to get out in the social world.

 

I know that time heals wounds, but never completely. I still feel sadness sometimes over the loss of those I have loved even 20 years ago. But I've let them go.

 

This one I feel different about though. she was the first woman I ever wanted to get a ring for and felt that we really had something.

 

how can someone be completely in love with you in the afternoon and just hours later decide to completely throw it all away?

 

Thanks for reading and in advance for any thoughts you might have.

[ezila]

I think you need to talk to her and let her know about the ring and what it represents to you. Let her know the level of commitment you were ready to make.

 

But DON'T just give her the ring. She doesn't deserve something so thoughtful, so symbolic, if she isn't going to wear it in the way it was intended to be worn when you bought it for her.

 

Good luck. I hope she makes the right choice.

[SayinWhatUWont]

that a bound to come wtih this one..

 

Hey peaceman

 

First and foremost...welcome and thanks for your post. I have to ask a question before responding...

 

I have been in a faithfully committed relationship for almost two years. I am 38 and she is 42. We're both reasonably good looking. Things started out strong, she came on to me like a thunderstorm. I hadn't been with anyone for a year before her, so I know that it wasn't a rebound jump. According to her she was with a man for about two years before me but he had never offered commitment or expressed that he loved her.

 

Is this your first "faithfully committed relationship"?

[SayinWhatUWont]

I just read your reply to another post......I think you should take your own advise......

 

She made the decision for you........What balls "per say" to wear the ring of another man, while laying in bed with another.................What tha????

 

Peace Baby....

 

Good luck......

[peaceman]

Hey Ezila, SayinWhatUWont,

 

Thanks for reaching out there in this troubled time. In response to the question, no it is not my first faithfully committed relationship. I have been in five relationships over the last nineteen years. In my twenties I did up having an affair, but this was after I had learned that the girl I was living with was having two different ones on me. I moved out shortly thereafter.

 

And I am trying to take my own advice. don't want to sound hypocritical, but it's always easier to dispense than take the medicine. Plus sometimes we can see more objectively others than ourselves.

 

Which reply BTW did you read of mine?

 

Thanks

Peaceman

[Sensient]

Grieving period is going to be there...embrace it... feel what it has for you...evidence that you have the ability to love which is the most important thing in love.

 

Second, you love her, very easy to see. But she doesn't seem to have the same feelings. What she has done is low, it makes her look like she is very insecure and needs someone to help her live.

 

I know that without doubt you want her back...you cant make her come back, she has to want to.

 

Write a letter or tell her (prob harder cos youll get inot argument over ex) about how you feel...tell her everything you need to, from how ***ed it is that she left, to how much you love her.

 

Then back off...disappear for as long as it takes for her to return, just remember. Everyone has the right to be with someone who loves them and wants them. Dont torture yourself over somone who can do that to you.

 

By you pressing the issue, she will use ex to fill the viod (you).

 

Remember, you will love again, and someone will love you more, just show people what their missing out on.

 

cheers