peaceman

Lie of Lies Ex-GF of just under two years decided on April 11th, 2003 to leave me for another, now I've learned of greater deception - For more info, previous post; link removed History for context: Her 42, me then 38 (Friday 4/11/03), both reasonably good looking and apparently exclusive (both mutually promised and confirmed repeatedly). Together for over 18 months. A lot of good times, and of course some bad accordingly. Nothing too major, just day-to-day ups and downs. Nonetheless until the last moment we had built what seemed a very strong love and had expressed a desire (mutually) to spend the rest of our lives together, that we had something 'uniquely special' and loved each other so much. Both of us (to my knowledge) had been faithful to the other and completely emotionally committed. Her desire for my proposal started strong after the 1st 6 months. Further, her friends marrying, as we attended their ceremonies, amplified her expressions, as well the comments of the surrounding company (within 14 months of meeting her). The ugly: Came Friday, April 11th, that I was out in the work-field, returned after 10:00pm, exhausted, decided to call her the next day. She had indicated to be out with a girlfriend, wishing me to join them that evening, but I did not, rather decided to call the next day. No answers to my calls over Sat & Sun. On Sunday I was in her area on business and decided to leave a note at her door, as I was concerned for her wellbeing. As I was leaving to get another pen (1st one dry), she drove up as I came down the front stairs of her building with another man in the car. She looked very shocked, not happy, to see me. Explained to me that this was her ex-fiancé of 8 years ago by the following Wednesday, after days of denial. Said they had "run in" to each other that Friday and found feelings again after 8 years for each other. She didn't know at that time that I had been making payments since last December for an expensive engagement ring. I was going to propose to her on my birthday at the end of July. I should not have contacted her any more but I sent several email cards I had designed (Love U, miss U, etc.). She has been indifferent and almost completely unresponsive for over five months. The pain I have been through has been unbearable. I try hard not to think of her but I can't stop her from coming into my mind. I literally couldn't get out of bed for two months. This in itself is one thing but... The uglier: A mutual friend called me last week to ask a business related question. I hadn't heard from him in over 7 months so we caught up. The subject eventually got around to ex-GF, and I expressed hope that she was doing OK. I said that if she was with her ex-fiancé again there must be good reason for her feelings. HE THEN TOLD ME THAT THE MAN SHE HAS BEEN SEEING WAS NOT THE EX-FIANCE´, BUT A MAN SHE HAD JUST COINCIDENTALLY MET AT A BAR WHEN SHE WAS OUT WITH HER GIRLFRIEND THAT FRIDAY IN APRIL WHO HAS THE SAME FIRST NAME AS THE EX-FIANCE´! We have spoken a few times over the last months, although I have made effort not to contact her for the last two months. Each time she would continue to perpetrate that it was her ex-fiancé she was with, not someone else. I asked my friend again was this true what he had said. He swore to me that it was, that she had been lying to me all this time, had met the man on one occasion, that this man lived in a completely different location from the ex-´f, further that her ex-F´ has been and is engaged to someone else at this time, further that she had told our friend never to tell me. I called her last night to ask her if this was true. She adamantly denied this was the truth, and said that our friend had fabricated this story only because he had not paid her back $150.00 she loaned him over a year ago (!?!?). She refused to have me conference a call with him, but instead called him to scream at him. He called me furious that I had told her, and I said the truth deserves to be heard. He eventually agreed and said I had done the right thing. She even called me back to ask me would I believe him over her and again to deny the allegation. The question: Why would she, if she was going to leave me anyway, had cheated on me that Friday in April, think it necessary to invent such a preposterous lie and continue with such effort to try and keep me duped? Did she not think I would learn of it eventually? Was she so ashamed that she took a stranger home on a first night from a bar, while supposedly emotionally committed to me (I have been 100% faithful, forthright and honest with her), that she felt it necessary to concoct such a story? Is she just a psychotic BLEEP? Was it wrong of me to call her on it? Should I have just left it unsaid? Does it seem not to matter (like what's difference)? I feel that it does. If there was any healing going on I feel like the wound has been ripped wide open again and I'm back to day number one. I haven't been able to yet bring myself to a place where I can be with someone new. I would appreciate any feedback you might have. Thanks in advance. [/code][/b]

Hey Ezila, SayinWhatUWont, Thanks for reaching out there in this troubled time. In response to the question, no it is not my first faithfully committed relationship. I have been in five relationships over the last nineteen years. In my twenties I did up having an affair, but this was after I had learned that the girl I was living with was having two different ones on me. I moved out shortly thereafter. And I am trying to take my own advice. don't want to sound hypocritical, but it's always easier to dispense than take the medicine. Plus sometimes we can see more objectively others than ourselves. Which reply BTW did you read of mine? Thanks Peaceman

You should let it pass while you're out getting other phone numbers. If she's going to call you, you'll get the message. She simply doesn't want to give up her power and control over boundaries. If she said male bashing phase, the last guy(s) turned her out. And believe me you do not want to be on the receiving end of a woman scorned. remember the more numbers, the more odds you have finding someone more compatible for you. If you're asking for numbers in the first place, that means yu are probably ok with being single at this time. So go for it!

I have been in a faithfully committed relationship for almost two years. I am 38 and she is 42. We're both reasonably good looking. Things started out strong, she came on to me like a thunderstorm. I hadn't been with anyone for a year before her, so I know that it wasn't a rebound jump. According to her she was with a man for about two years before me but he had never offered commitment or expressed that he loved her. Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, but never very serious. Just the little stuff that happens when you're close to each other. It could have just been a tough day at work, and the significant other will catch some of the venting. We watched other friends of hers get married and everyone was asking when I was going to be ready. She had been hinting to me since the first six months. She even produced a ring given her by an ex-fiance she ran out on 8 years ago to say she had one to wear. Call it point of pride but I did not feel right having her wear his ring for me. Each time though I told her that I was coming closer to be ready to make that commitment. I would tell her how much I loved her. I explained that I was just making sure that I had my finances in order to make such a commitment, that I would be able to support her and any possible children we might have. Last summer my father died and I had to sacrifice a lot of time and income to help my mother with her affairs. My GF was supportive to me through that time. Unfortunately though when the lawyers get involved with family matters things can get really srewed up. It seriously damaged the quality of relationships with my family. It also has put a lot of stress on me over the first few months of this year. I'm sure my GF could not help but feel it as well. On a Friday about 5 weeks ago my GF emailed me "Hey baby, wanna do something tonight?". I was out in the field and didn't get the message until rather late that evening. I went to sleep and decided to call her in the morning. She never returned any of my calls. Normally we spoke just about every day. Even the last few times we were together we would both profess how much we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. On Sunday evening I was in her neighborhood on some business so I stopped by to leave her a note. I was concerned that she was alright. As I walked up to leave it she drove up with her ex-fiance and looked very shocked, not happy, to see me. It took a few days but I finally got her to admit that they had decided to get back together after 8 years. I told her she had broken my heart, lied to me for days and that I had wanted to marry her. She just said she couldn't break his heart twice and then said goodbye and hung up. I have refrained from calling her, but I have sent her some poems and I love you e-mails. I told her I was not swayed away from someone I love so much that easily but I hoped that she is happy. She has never responded to one of them. I once sent her flowers. I had to make the final payment for the engagement ring that I have been scraping for since December last year (six months). Now I'm at the crossroads. Do I just never tell her I got the ring, or do I drop by her work on a late afternoon and tell her that even though she may not wear it for me I meant for her to have it as my gift? Part of me is hopeful that she may have a change of heart. Part of me just wants her to have the gift I struggled to get for her. Part of me says I shouldn't. I realize though that if I don't take the stand to express my depth of feelings, she will probably continue to move deeper into him and farther away from me. I hate the grieving period, you can't eat or sleep. I work from home but I haven't been out of my room for over a month. I try but I still haven't mastered the strength to get out in the social world. I know that time heals wounds, but never completely. I still feel sadness sometimes over the loss of those I have loved even 20 years ago. But I've let them go. This one I feel different about though. she was the first woman I ever wanted to get a ring for and felt that we really had something. how can someone be completely in love with you in the afternoon and just hours later decide to completely throw it all away? Thanks for reading and in advance for any thoughts you might have.