scarlett17 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'm new here - thanks everyone in advance, I'm just looking for advice. Here's the tragic backstory: So BF and I were dating for almost 4 years. It was never a walk in the park but it was very real to me. I suffer from depression and low self-esteem and so always made excuses for any poor treatment he directed toward me (so he got used to it!) I admit there were times where he was downright emotionally abusive, non-committed, rude, nasty etc etc. But we made a real go at it. He has the sort of family who each have their own problems (both older brothers suffer huge issues after their father left them as young children, mother was abused and lets step-daddy rule the roost and bully all 3 boys) but they are fiercely loyal to one another. From an outsider's point of view, I can tell that their relationships with one another are all pretty emotionally abusive in their own ways, though none more so than my bf's relationship with his brothers). About a year ago, I began to notice his family treating me more and more coldly. Step-dad would make rude comments/jokes or try to put me on the spot wherever possible, mum would never be home and ignored me when she was, and both brothers started getting more and more boisterous with their jokes. BF would ask me to read a message from his brothers to him while he was driving or something and 90% of the time it was something about me being controlling manipulative (and not in your joking brotherly kind of way!!). Every time he and I had an argument, he would shout "My brothers say you're this and that. My brothers think you're doing this and that to me. Everyone thinks you're this and that and I should just leave you." It bothered me to the point where I would write about it in a diary in order to get my emotions out (no chance of talking to bf about it as he'd just blow a fuse). My therapist recommended this and it helped me quite a lot to process my feelings on the matter. Of course it did nothing to solve the actual issue though, and being me, I constantly made excuses for bf's behaviour and we just kept on keeping on.... Until Christmas just over a month ago. I have a private blog that I use as a diary entry for various things. Nobody can see the posts if I choose to make them private unless you are logged onto my account. Which, incidentally, my bf was somehow. He went through it and unfortunately I had written an entry the night before about how I hated the way his brothers treat me. I called them alcoholics in anger and said that I wished them every misfortune. y, I know! But I was angry after a loooong time of being mistreated and didn't know that I had any way to confront them about it. Anyway, bf blew that fuse for the final time and dumped me on my sorry butt, telling me that he'd be back in a week to talk it through so that we could try to start anew because he loved me and still wanted to be with me (but the issue with his brothers was a deal breaker). He also took the kind liberty of sharing what I wrote with his entire family (who were pissed to say the least). I tried very hard to apologize, to take the initiative to talk to his brothers about it, to do anything and everything I could. We went on a couple of dates and I was strung along for about a week and a half, being constantly told we would "start over, but no we weren't dating and probably wouldn't ever be again, but we would maybe work it out, but who knows, you still have to apologize". I went to their house at his request one day... His brothers refused to come out, they laughed from the windows at me standing at the gate and I was asked to leave (whilst being told that bf had been using me and never really loved me anyway straight from the horse's mouth!!) (now ex) BF went away with his brothers on a binge drinking week on the beach. Half way through I was told by one of his female friends that he'd cheated on me during our time together. I confronted him, and when he was rude and joking about it, I assumed he was just hiding the truth and didn't want to admit he had cheated. I told him I was disgusted in him, that I never wanted to see or hear from him again and that I generally wanted nothing more to do with him. I deleted his number and blocked him from facebook, trashed every last photo we ever took together. An hour later, my phone started ringing with an unknown number, constantly... the house phone too, I was getting abusive and threatening message from his brothers on my voicemail, facebook, everything, bad enough that my parents urged me to take them to the police for an AVO... Things calmed down after a couple of days and I was contacted by a mutual friend of (ex) bf and I. He was really concerned about both of us and begged me to reach out to (ex) bf to just end things on a good note. Against my better judgement, I did. Politely, I told him I was sorry for being so angry but that I needed to know if he had cheated, and he needed to be mature for once about telling me the truth. He told me it never happened and that he was sorry it had to end this way. We thanked each other for the time we spent together and went our separate ways. So I thought. Two days later I got a text from what I knew was his number, begging me to talk to him, to just be friends. He said he couldn't live without me, didn't want to. I had to talk him out of cutting himself to pieces... He told me his brothers had been drunken bragging about how they manipulated him to dump his -girlfriend, how he'd done everything they asked like a puppet, how they had a girl tell me he kissed her to make sure i'd never want to get back with him even if he realized he'd done what they wanted, not what he wanted... We met up a little while later and even though I had every intention of telling him I only wanted to be friends, we got back together, with many many boundaries being set. It's been a couple of weeks and I'm just not feeling right. It started out perfect but I'm starting to wonder if old habits are coming back... I brought bf back home to see my parents (who were REALLY mad with him) on my birthday, and told them they had to respect my choices, but now his is coming up in a week and he says he can't see me because its a 'family thing'. His parents won't allow me on their property, his brothers refuse to ever talk to me again (and yet his parents still demand I make the effort to apologize to them for what 'I' did) and they constantly harass bf about his choice to be with me. He literally refuses to talk to them like I did with my family, and told me it was my issue to sort out. What do I do? He's not supporting me the way he said he would, he's not putting me first... I don't want to get up and leave because I am hopeful that things will get better, but I'm finding myself in a depressive state, which makes me really unwilling to wait and see and just be calm about it. Any input is really appreciated and sorry for the long read Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Hell no, get out of there. Your boyfriend and the rest of them are all bullies and not one of them gives a cr*p about you - but most importantly, that includes your boyfriend. His needs for you are selfish and he threatens self harm if he has no control over you. I can't even begin to list the amount of WRONG in your OP, scarlett17, you are still making excuses for a bully. What do you do? Get out of there, like you already were. You did the right thing the first time round - you failed yourself when you got back together with him. The fact is, family issues are common. What is not common is the level of abuse you are getting. These people are aggressive and violent and I wouldn't be surprised if those two thug brothers of his are a danger to society. Second to that, and most importantly - is that your boyfriend knew this. He knows how they are. Not only did he break into something of yours that was private, but he went and told his horrible family about it too. This isn't about the family anymore, scarlett17, this is about the guy you say you love, throwing you into situations where you are being made to feel scared and vulnerable and blamed and then claiming it is "your issue". HE is the one that emotionally blackmails you, HE is the one that has no respect for your privacy and HE is the one that badmouths you to a group of thugs and bullies yet YOU are the one who has to sort it out? Get a grip, and walk away - and next time DO NOT just threaten them with the police. Call the police as soon as they begin to terrorise your family again - you are not the only one involved in this, you are dragging your parents into it as well. Run, don't walk, AWAY Link to comment
JustLetGo Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I didn't read a lot of your post, because the title says it all. Once when I had a gf I was very concerned about what her family thought about me. My ex didn't want to go accompany them on vacations and so on, but I told her that I thought it was very important to stay close to your family. And that giving them atleast some attention is very important. She wouldn't have done it had I not pushed her. So someonetimes we went on holiday with them, weekly we ate over at their place. And I helped with different stuff, including cooking and the cleaning the dishes etc. after dinner. They never said thank you because they thought it was my way of paying for the trip/dinner. But it was a combination of manners and paying them back for me. And I thought well fair enough. When we broke up, apparently her father said some very bad things about me. And has just plainly ignored my emails (I sent like one or two at the time). Her mother has never said a word to me since the breakup over a year ago. So since then I have come to the conclusion that they just didn't respect me, even though I had done so much for them without them even realizing (bringing their daughter along to socialze with them). And that the relationship with your partner is farrrrr more important than the one with their family. So I'd say, don't put any energy into it. Because even if you do, it won't change their mind. Put that energy into bettering the RELATIONSHIP! Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Perhaps you should have read the rest of the post, because the title does not in fact say it all - it actually comes no where near covering the issues at all. Link to comment
scarlett17 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 CeeLambrini, thank you for taking the time to read all of that... I guess what I really need is just the reassurance that this IS a real issue, that I'm NOT just imagining it... I had hoped there would be another option other than heading for the hills straightaway but I can see that you are right... It's a crap situation all around, time to cut my losses I guess Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 What do I do You know what to do. You just don't want to do it. This guy and his family are a mess. They will only drag you down further in the long run. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Look it's not easy, especially when you've put a lot of fight and hard work into this, but this has got to stop and your boyfriend is absolutely toxic. Link to comment
scarlett17 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Thanks everyone for the support... No, its not going to be easy, I can see that. But I'm glad to know at least that what I feel deep down is right. I told my bf that I want to talk to him in person tomorrow... Here's hoping I have the strength to go through with it. Link to comment
JustLetGo Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Yea well, my post still holds a good message in my opinion. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I have had the nasty comments from family, and blatant hate from the parents. It is very hard to maintain the relationship on that alone - especially if he is close to them. However despite the struggle, the only reason I know it can still work is because he stood up for me when they got out of control and now I don't go around there anymore - I have absolutely nothing to do with the family. Yes, it is a great shame that for some reason your SO's family doesn't like you for no apparent reason but it helps a great deal more if your boyfriend stood by you and saw that how they are acting is unreasonable. He however encourages this rift and jumps on the bandwagon when they begin to abuse you if you're not in his good books. There is no way that is going to work for you. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'd ask myself why I feel compelled to stay entangled in this mess. The world is filled with loving and supportive people, and we all get to pick the people with whom we surround ourselves. You've identified some of your issues, so why not make the choice to cultivate new relationships with people who are kind and enhance your ability to adopt self respect--and to learn what this can do for you. Head high, walk forward, and allow these people no further power over your growth and optimism for a better future. Link to comment
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