I feel easily replaceable

[Confused and hurt]

It has been almost 6 months since my ex of 2 years left me. He got with someone almost immediately after the break up. I thought he was just using her to fill a void....he is still with her though. It is finally hitting me that I am easilt replaceable and its really making me feel bad. It also makes me feel like I had really bad judgment....I thought he was really in love with me and that we had a really great connection....I guess not.

 

Sorry...just wanted to vent.

[ebola316]

It's funny how easily replaceable we really are. Makes you think that maybe they didn't care that much all along.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

If u feel u are so replaceable by her, then i dun think HE DESERVES u. lolx! be it he and her had a rebound relationship or an actual real one..

 

Thanks for reading..

[Heretic]

You're not replaceable, Confused and hurt.

 

In what way are you replaceable? You are unique, one of a kind. Maybe not everyone can see that, but why settle for someone who can't. One day you will find someone who sees you for you. Not just one angle the whole 360 degrees. Don't bother wondering why you ex is settling for someone else. I couldn't tell you. Don't let his lack of appreciation be confused with your self-worth.

 

Forget about who he's with and focus on you. You are unique and you ARE the best match for someone. Don't miss finding your new beau because you're always staring at your ex.

 

Relax. Enjoy life, you're still young.

 

I hope this helps.

[ebola316]

Thanks Mentor for the pep talk, but it doesn't seem to working. I still feel like crap.

[Heretic]

*shrugs* I'm no Mentor, I'm just someone who cares.

 

There are a lot of insensitive people out there, which means there is an even greater amount of people who are being hurt.

 

If you go through life taking everything everyone else does so personally, you're going to find yourself hurt the majority of the time.

 

It's easy to be pessimistic. It's easy to believe that people do things just to spite you. They don't though. Your ex isn't doing this because of you and it's not your shortcoming they can be happy with someone else.

 

I hope you can understand that.

[Prosper]

YES! be urself everybody we shld..

 

No one can be me. No one can be u. No one can be anyone, tom dick harry or mary and jane.

 

We are we that no one shld or can replace. We shld tell ourselves when bad things like that happen, No one can SPITE Off my self worth, my self esteem and self pride.

 

And gosh, do i talk like superstar right now? hehe this is my charisma. have u got me yet?

[ebola316]

Mentor, I joined a local dating service. I don't have any friends or family in this town, since we recently relocated [thanks to him}

 

It's a small town in the mountains and I never expected anyone in the dating service to actually live in this town.

 

Well sure enough, some guy contacted me, lives in this town, seems reasonably nice and normal from his profile, and want me to call him tomorrow.

 

First of all, I told him I would, but am now terrified of making the call.

And he mentioned maybe meeting up for a drink. How am I going to meet him if I haven't eaten or slept for 2 weeks and look like crap?

 

Any advise what I should do?

[ebola316]

Any advise from anyone out there would be appreciated.

[Heretic]

First off I'd try eating and sleeping.

 

Try to get back into your regular routine then when it's time meet up with this new guy. Right now you're still too stressed. I suggest you try to relax and get back into the swing of things.

 

Once you're feeling more yourself then go out for drinks. Right now you need to focus on you... not your ex, not this new guy, YOU! Once you're okay then you can move on.

 

I hope this helps.

[ebola316]

I can't stay alone in this house anymore. the longer I stay in, the more depressed I get. I'm here in a house in the middle of nowhere, with noone to talk to 24 hours a day. Everything in this house just reminds me of him. We lived here together, and now it's so quiet, it's like a tomb.

 

So I think if I wait to call this guy, and get out of the house for awhile, I'm going to get better, not worse.

 

What do you think?

[trishcollins]

Any advise from anyone out there would be appreciated.

 

In my vast experience, you need to be in the right headspace to meet someone new. It always takes a lot longer than you think. My biggest fear is meeting someone nice, but I still have feelings for the ex, and blowing it with the new person. If I am no completely "free" of my ex, I don't think it's fair to them or to you.

 

I figure if I am sitting accross from them and wishing it were my ex, or comparing the person to my ex, or worse "telling" them my breakup story, then I am not ready.

 

There is nothing wrong with getting out there and casual dating, but right now you are probably to fragile to be considering anything more serious. So think long and hard about meeting up with this person.

 

I don't know how long it will take to get to that step, but I think when I am ready, I will know.

 

JMHO

[Mentor]

edit: Sorry Confused and hurt, this message was meant for ebola316. I lost track of the thread originator...

 

Hi,

 

Well, I've been quoted twice in this thread already, so I feel obliged to step in

 

I would generally agree with what Trish said. I have always required several months to get over a serious relationship before I could move on and think about starting again with someone new. Everyone and everyone's situation is different however....

 

In your situation I think that some company/distraction would be very welcome. You are very isolated. Maybe you could just e-mail and talk over the phone with this person who a while. You might develop a chemistry and start to think about this new person more that your ex?!? Then maybe you could meet in person. If you don't feel that spark, then maybe you have at least found a friend to take your mind off of things.

 

I think that it would be best to let this other person know that you are going into this with no expectations as soon as possible.

 

Again, I don't have a lot of experience doing this, so I am probably wrong. We are always taught to avoid rebound relationships, that they are unhealthy, but I think that this advice assumes that you have a strong support network to help you grieve, which you do not. You just need to be careful with this new guy's feelings, and be as open about your situation as you can without chasing him off.

 

Good Luck! I have been following your story closely, and wish you all the best

[Enn]

At the risk of sounding dreadful, my advice would be to patch yourself up, put on something new and get slightly drunk...then go out and meet him! Don't worry about what's going to happen and don't have any expectations to meet Mr. Right - just enjoy this man's company. You do *not* want to be sitting in dwelling.

 

One day you will look back on this time as loads of fun. I'm saying that being in the same sort of situation... Not really eating... But I've been here before - total misery for a while and just when you least expect it...spring again! I just wish I'd stop thinking of the moron I was involved with - it's totally out of habit.

 

It doesn't sound as if you're happy where you're living though - can you not make definite plans to get away in the New Year? At least if you're planning to change your situation you will feel slightly more in control of your situation.

 

Anyway - go and see this bloke! Expect to have fun!

[trishcollins]

Maybe you could just e-mail and talk over the phone with this person who a while.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

The other thing you might want to do, is find some other woman friends to hang with. Join some sort of club, gym or other social activity where you can meet others with common interests, so you can get out and have some fun without the pressure of a relationship.

 

I have horses, so I have lots of horsey girlfriends to hang with. I also have a close male friend (egaged to a good friend of mine) who often offers me the male perspective on things (like "he's just not that into you").

 

Start a new hobby -- photograhpy, painting, dance -- anything that will give you something else to focus on. I know it sounds corny, but it will fill up your time, keep you distracted, give you a chance to meet new people and perhaps, not be consumed all the time by thoughts of your "ex".

[Confused and hurt]

Thanks for the kind words everyone!

 

I know I shouldn't really internalize what he is doing...but it is so hard. I have been out with guys since the break, and with each one I am like "nope...not gonna go anywhere." In my mind, it is gonna take someone absolutley AMAZING to measure up to the way he was. The only conclusions I have is that maybe I didn't set the bar so high for him or that maybe she IS absolutely amazing (which scares me and makes me kind of sad).

 

I just don't get it. I know he loved me so much....everyone knew it and would comment on it. How can you be happy with someone else when you haven't dealt with your feelings from the previous break up? (or at least I assume he hasn't...)

[Mentor]

It has been almost 6 months since my ex of 2 years left me. He got with someone almost immediately after the break up. I thought he was just using her to fill a void....he is still with her though. It is finally hitting me that I am easilt replaceable and its really making me feel bad. It also makes me feel like I had really bad judgment....I thought he was really in love with me and that we had a really great connection....I guess not.

 

Sorry...just wanted to vent.

 

Hi Confused and hurt,

 

Sorry we all got sidetracked in your thread Maybe ebola316 can start a new thread for her situation, there seems to be a lot of interest in that one as well!

 

I know how it feels to have an ex move on right away, but trust me, you mean a lot to this person. I don't believe that anyone can spend two years in a relationship with someone and forget them so easily. If you were so forgettable, he would not have invested those 2 years with you. You instinct about your connection was probably right, but for a multitude of reasons people drift apart and relationships end. People deal with this in their own ways. I tend to shut out the world and consume myself in a ball of intense misery over a few weeks/months, then emerge ready to face the world again a better person (I'm don't claim that this is right, or better, but this is what I tend to do). Others fall into the arms of another, and never really face the pain. These "rebound" relationships sometimes work out, but I believe that by not facing what happened in the last relationship, these people are less capable of giving of themselves in the next.

[Enn]

I agree, it is *so* hard - but you can *never* know what he is thinking. Thinking the worst is wasting your valuable energy. His relationship with the girl may have lasted six months - but who knows what it's like? There's every chance it isn't special, that it is a rebound thing... I know it feels impossible but you've got to try and switch off.

 

My ex and I had lots of mutual friends and hung around on the same 'scene' but ever since I've avoided the clubs we went to and asked my friends to not tell me *anything* they know. The only thing I can do is get stronger for myself - and eventually someone better *will* come along. I mean, once upon a time you didn't know your ex either! Have faith!

[Mentor]

I know I shouldn't really internalize what he is doing...but it is so hard. I have been out with guys since the break, and with each one I am like "nope...not gonna go anywhere." In my mind, it is gonna take someone absolutley AMAZING to measure up to the way he was.

 

You deserve someone AMAZING

 

I am feeling the same way in my situation. Lisa and I were so compatible, we seemd to have the complete package, but somehow love never really bloomed She was such a cool girlfriend, we often told each other how hard it is to find someone like each other, and now I am faced with that reality I am discouraged, and don't like my chances.

 

But! I also know that I have felt exactly this way before I met Lisa as well, and lo and behold, along she came There is someone other there for us, we just have to be willing to have the courage to look again, to open our hearts again

 

Good luck!

[amanda22]

yeah it sucks when they are like, im breaking up with you....for her. it feels as though everything you shared was so generic. like they never cared at all. like every memory will be replaced by her. my ex tells me this isnt true. he still cares about me and we will always have our memories. the new girl he found isnt better, she is just different. it kills me inside cause i still think she is better than me in every way cause she has him. anyways best thing you can do is just take your mind off of it, like someone else said, its wasted energy and its just making you feel horrible. hope u r feeling better today.

[Confused and hurt]

Thanks again everyone for your great responses. I feel better (sorry!) knowing that I am not the only one going through this.

 

Thanks Mentor - I know that 2 years is a long time and I don't doubt that there was love there...I just don't get how someone can put aside the feelings they had for you and be happily with someone else. If that were me, thoughts of my ex would haunt me the whole time I was with the new person and I would feel horrible. But I guess that's just me.

 

Enn - I have been trying to shut it off, but its so hard. He went about things really badly after the break and was almost cruel. He didn't even call on my birthday and then claimed that he forgot. Its just the combination of so many things...and now with the holiday season coming up, I am getting super-sad....I feel like he should be with me - not with her. Thanks for your advice though....I too have tried avoiding knowing about him and what he is doing.

 

Amanda22 - you hit the nail on the head. I feel like what I feel for my ex, he never felt at all and that sucks. My ex said the same thing that your said to you...she is different and their relationship is diifferent than ours was. All I can think of is that she must be pretty great for him to walk away so easily from 2 years. How long has your ex been with someone new? Did you break up with him or him with you??

 

Thanks again!

[amanda22]

he broke up with me. they met at work 2 weeks ago and she persued him. they talked and had so much in common. he was honest and said he liked her and broke it off with me. we were still carpooling to school for one week when they were beginning to talk alot. we tried to be 'civil' or 'friends' about it, cause we were still around one another. it was hard to see his face light up every time she would text him (and it was alot) he told me how romantic she was and how he has never had such a strong connection like this and that they have so much in common and that she is so mature (she is 4 yrs younger than i am, so that hurt) how beautiful she is and he even told me he is grateful he met her. of course this led to me arguing with him on our drives. he says he still wants to be friends but i cant get over the fact that he is with her, i still love him. i cant help comparing and thinking she is everything im not. i cant find one thing wrong with her and apparently neither can he. what helps me is trying not to think about it. if something is triggering me to think about her or them i change the situation, or i just say stop! i cant do anything about it, NOTHING! so why torture myself. but of course that is easier said than done. i cant help thinking that he is holding her in his arms and not me, how he is falling in love with her more and more evry day. its so hard! i know how you feel. sometimes i try to realize that everyone has their flaws and right now its the honeymoon phase so they just dont see them yet. just talk to friends and family and us, we are all here to support you.

[Mentor]

we were still carpooling to school for one week when they were beginning to talk alot. we tried to be 'civil' or 'friends' about it, cause we were still around one another. it was hard to see his face light up every time she would text him (and it was alot) he told me how romantic she was and how he has never had such a strong connection like this and that they have so much in common and that she is so mature (she is 4 yrs younger than i am, so that hurt) how beautiful she is and he even told me he is grateful he met her. of course this led to me arguing with him on our drives. he says he still wants to be friends but i cant get over the fact that he is with her, i still love him.

 

This must be so hard. Why are some exes so cruel as to rub your nose in their new relationship?!? They have already wounded you in the deepest of ways by leaving you, and they feel the need to kick you when you are down by talking about their new friend It is insensitivity in the highest degree. I think is shows their true character, and you are better off not being with someone who can act so heartlessly. Ignore him, he does not deserve you, or your friendship.

[amanda22]

your right mentor. its just that when i dont have to hear about her, we have an alright time together, but then that hurts cause i want even more and i cant have it. a friend always tells me, 'why would we want someone that doesnt want us?'

[Enn]

I have a habit of stating the obvious but these men seem at the very least incredibly tactless but most of all incredibly insecure. Why do they waste time making someone feel bad by going on about the great new person? Lucky new girlfriends!

 

They just sound cold - and the pattern will be repeating itself with New Girlfriend when you've moved on and got someone worthy of your time.

 

(NB: My ex incredibly cruel and useless - it's amazing how much they let us take the blame for this stuff!)