Dating someone that is independent & autonomous

[Makanzel]

I am currently dating a really great guy, athletic, attractive, kind, good leader and has similar beliefs to mine. There's just one problem, this guy has never in his life counted on anyone other then his immediate family; he honestly swears that he doesn't believe on depending on people. This behavior is extremely hard to explain, but let me give it a try. When I offer him something; bottle of water, dinner, beer, anything you can think of he says no without hesitation. I tell him I would like to have something at my house that he would like to drink, and he won't tell me what to buy. He reasons all of these things with the fact that he doesn't want to "depend" on anyone. This behavior stretches into the emotional realm as well. He doesn't like to get attached to one group of people for fear of dependence, citing that he would rather be a group "floater" then part of any one group. How can he have a relationship with anyone (guy or girl), or fall in love if he fails to depend on anyone? What should I do? Should I try to teach him that he can depend on me, if so, how? Do you think he will learn to depend on me on his own? Is it a lost cause?

[Mun]

Hi Makanzel,

I have one question. Is he loving and generous with you?

 

If he is then you should respect his wishes to be autonomous and enjoy the attention he gives to you. We cannot change other people, the only thing we can control is ourselves and our reaction to them. He has built up walls for whatever reason and arguing with him about them is not going to bring them down. Instead of that focus on the good things about his personality.. I'm sure there are reasons why YOU are dating him ...right?

 

Count yourself lucky that you are with a man who does not wait for others to give to him or expect them too. There are many people who are just takers.

 

Once you stop trying to push things on him I bet he will relax a bit and be more receptive to you. For now just accept him as he is. That is the best and most valuable thing that you can give him.

 

Love

[Desired1]

From what you have described, I am very similar. I don't really like people doing things for me because I don't want anyone ever saying what they have done for me. So I do for myself. I don't like for people to buy me presents or anything monetary. People are odd. Granted I know that this is odd, but that is kind of how I am. Sooooo....

Don't stress about it. He's just vey independent. As long as it is not hurting you, your cool. But if you guys ever get into a dispute, try not to tell him of everything that you have done for him.

[jbutterfly2020]

Maybe he was taken advantage of or betrayed by close friends in the past. These could be the reasons he believes he only needs to rely on family and no one else.

 

As long as he treats you kindly and cares for you, then why do you need him to depend on you?

 

I am also like him. I don't want to feel like a bother to anyone. If I should need help, I have a large family to call on. I have had horrible friends take advantage of my kindness and I live in fear of doing that to another person or it happening again. I have close friends but I keep them at arms length to keep from feeling completely vulernable to them.

 

Just respect him and always make sure you are being respected.

[Makanzel]

Thanks so much! Keep your comments coming. I do know that he was betrayed really bad; he told me a story that he was dating a girl that lived a state away. He drove 14 hours to see her and walked in on her having sex. Talk about traumatic. So yeah, I would imagine that would be quite the hurtful betrayel. As a result, he hasn't dated in two years and i am the first.

 

As for is he generous? Oh my goodness yes! But so am I. I too have been walked on many times for giving too much; paying for too much, lending too many things... but the thing is that I have been brought up that sharing is the right thing to do. It helps people and it feels good and its a big part of who I am.

 

I don't need him to be dependent. I am just afraid that if he doesn't accept a little, how can he accept that I care about him?

[Mun]

I too have been walked on many times for giving too much; paying for too much, lending too many things... but the thing is that I have been brought up that sharing is the right thing to do. It helps people and it feels good and its a big part of who I am.

 

Sharing is great and being a kind, generous person is very rewarding as long as it is not hurting you. From your own experience this has hurt you in the past. Time to start receiving more...especially with the man in your life.

 

When a man is trying to win your heart he becomes a very generous provider. He wants you to be happy when you are with him. I'm not talking money here... I'm talking attention, affection and all that nice stuff. Get in the habit of receiving more--especially at the beginning of a relationship. Strong women sometimes don't know how to do this and uknowingly sabotage a relationship (and lose a man's interest).

 

Back to your boyfriend

 

Like I said.. accept him with his quirks ( we all have some) and that is the best thing you can give him. He will come around once he feels that he can trust you and that you are not trying to change him. Be patient and loving instead.

 

Best wishes.