He's out of the country and we can't talk and my head wanders. Help!

[LunaMoth76]

Hello,

 

So I've been dating this amazing man for over ten months. In that time we have become so close, he tells me he loves me all the time, tells me I am the most amazing and beautiful woman he's ever known, and recently, told me he'd never want to be with anyone else but me. I love him, he loves me, etc. Brings me flowers all the time. Wants to take me on vacations. Tells me he wants to start a business so he can eventually employ me and he can always take me on his trips with his family, because he wants me there all the time. (and they travel ALL THE TIME).

 

I should be secure in all of that, right?

 

We spent xmas with his family, it was nice. I am still not sure what his mom thinks of me, I honestly think she'd prefer him to be single and dote on her, but that's a whole other topic. She's friendly to me, but not very warm and it makes me nervous. He's such a mama's boy, but tells me my feelings are the foremost important to him.

 

Before xmas, we went on an amazing African holiday and had a wonderful time, just fell deeper and deeper in love, is how I felt. I think it's how he felt too. It really seemed like we came around a corner and fully decided that this is it, for us.

 

Then after xmas, he left on a two week cruise through Antarctica with his family (no, not on the one that got stuck). Before he left he told me he didn't know what kind of communication they'd have on the ship. It is Antarctica, after all. Thinking I'd be better off not expecting anything than worrying if I didn't hear anything, I told him not to worry about it if he couldn't get in touch with me. I still expected an email or two, sure they have email on the ship. Being a girl, I hoped he'd know this. Being a guy, he took my words at face value (duh), is what I know happened. BUT that doesn't stop my mind from racing. No, no, no, that would be just TOO logical!

 

So it's been over a week and NOTHING. New Years came and went, it would have been our first, and nothing. The hours crawl like days, the days like weeks, the week like a month. I know logically all is well, but I've been a raving lunatic. Going to his apartment to make sure he didn't move out while I wasn't looking. Crying in his apartment from missing him. Imagining worst case scenarios, which involve a garden variety of, he cheated, his family told him not to contact me, the boat is stuck, he's decided not to come back to me, etc. I even texted his niece and asked her if she'd heard from them. She told me she heard when they landed in Argentina on their way out, but not since. Then I even messaged her a few days later and she didn't respond. Probably because I sound like a crazy stalker girlfriend, one that she barely knows!

 

So, match that with, we're supposed to move in together one day after he gets back. One day! I am supposed to move out of my house on Jan 15, but I won't see him until late Jan 13(and my little nagging head says to that, "if he comes back"). I can't even pack my stuff! I should be preparing, but I can't! I keep thinking, what if he's not coming back and we never move? I even found myself wandering down that thought path to, "I can't afford that house on my own" and "I guess we'd just lose the deposit".

 

There is NOTHING telling me these things but myself. And I can't seem to convince my whole heart and mind of that!

 

I miss him terribly. It's not so much the distance, because I dig my alone time and friends and what not, it's the not knowing why he hasn't contacted me. It's the not hearing from him at all part.

 

Thoughts/advice?? All appreciated. But be kind

[savignon]

I think its kind of odd that you're THIS worried, going by his apartment, texting his cousin, crying at length...unless there's something else you're not telling us. Has everything been going well? Have you had any fights? Anything to lead you to believe he would up and move to Antartica/never come back/never contact you again/move out of his apartment without telling you...??

Either you're verrrrrrry much over-reacting in an unhealthy way ORRRR, your gut instincts are in full gear and trying to tell you something.

[LunaMoth76]

There's nothing I am not telling, so I think it must be me? No fights, everything has been great. I've worried about the gut instinct thing too...but there's been nothing but wonderful moments of growth between us, and especially lately. I think I am a bit nervous of what his mom thinks of me. He says she likes me, but I get a different vibe off her. They're a very tight-knit family, and he had some mental health probs in his 20s (I am 34 and he is 36) that they helped him with, and I am the first girlfriend that has been this close. And even though we are moving in together, they were buying him presents for his house in his hometown, where he hasn't lived in 3 years and it just sits empty. It's not really his house, it's theirs...but he lived in it before he moved to the town where we live now, and they just keep it empty hoping he'll come back, I suppose. I thought it was kind of weird that they bought him gifts for that house, like a nice coffee maker and a bench, when we're moving in together in our town so soon.

 

I guess maybe the real issue, why I am being so freaky, is I feel like since he has this history of mental illness(though he's been stable quite some time, and I've never seen any signs), I feel like they're extra clingy and may try to convince him to move back to his hometown with them. There has been no indication of this. I think it's mostly me letting my brain run wild.

 

So it's prob a combo of me verrrrry much overreacting, plus being insecure about his mom's perceived control over his life. I just have a feeling they're not comfortable with us moving in together. His mom still controls the purse strings. He isn't working right now, but makes a good deal of money via the investments his parents put in place for him. I guess that element is a little intimidating too, and makes me feel like they could tell him what to do.

 

I know the rest of his family likes me, but it was also something odd that his grandma said to me. As she was leaving xmas day from the family gathering, she gave me a gift and told me she hoped she'd see me again. I told her I was sure I would, but she just repeated "I hope so". Something in me doesn't trust his family, namely his mother. I think, from what my boyfriend has told me, she has some serious issues of her own, and likes to be in control. With me in the picture we make decisions together, and she's not making them for him as much. I don't think she likes this. He says she's getting used to it, I am not so sure.

 

Think I just have a problem with paranoia? I've never been so in love in my life, so I think that plays into it.

[savignon]

Perhaps you're on to something then. Maybe your gut feels something coming, even though there's no way to predict what that may be. My gut/paranoia/bad dreams have always been on track even when I tried to rationalize otherwise. It might not have been the exact thing I thought would happen, but if I felt like "something was up" I was right 100% of the time.

There's nothing you can do but wait until he comes back and see if anything has changed. Keep us posted!

[shelty24]

The only red flag I can see is "he travels a lot". Is that alone? With family? Are you invited most the time?

[LunaMoth76]

He does travel a lot, and it is always with his family. And, I am usually invited. They don't always because I usually turn them down, don't have as much time off as they do. They run their own business. Actually, the first time he travelled without them was with me to Africa this past Dec! We had a great time.

 

I really do think all it is, is that I am letting my head run wild. And I think his history of mental illness, though I am not bothered by it at all and think he is amazing to have persevered as he has, it makes me think that his family has more control over his life path than they do in actuality. Because they are a little overprotective, and that is probably why. That history makes me wonder about the steadiness of his emotions, though he hasn't given me any reason to believe them to be unsteady.

 

 

We've never not talked for more than a day before when he was traveling. This is the first time it's been this long. Plus, we're coming off a month where we spent 24/7 time together essentially. AND this period of not talking is sandwiched in between our fantastic month and us moving in together right upon his return.

 

BUT...savignon is right. All I can do is wait and see! And hope to not let myself drive myself crazy before then

[LunaMoth76]

So....karma is real, folks! I wanted to pop up on here and update what happened, because there's important kernel of a life lesson in there.

 

So, I was still freaking out, but doing better, he had texted from Argentina and all seemed well. Said he would call Thurs morn when he was back in US. Silly me, still expected him to email me, and still wanted to know if he had checked his email. If he had seen my message and not responded, I would be upset but if he hadn't even seen it, I wouldn't feel as bad. I could think, maybe he doesn't have access.

 

So I checked his email and didn't get past the first message, because it appeared to be from an online dating site that he was apparently still a member of. I did a little snooping, checked out his profile on there. It said he was single and looking for dates and that he had last been active Oct 1 2013! Right around the time we were looking for houses to rent and move in together. I freaked out. Sent him a barrage of accusatory texts, etc. That he obviously wouldn't get yet because he hadn't turned his phone on.

 

I looked a little more at the site and it appeared that it was more than a dating site, it was an online social site for people with histories of mental illness. But, being the snoop I am, I also figured out his password and signed in as him. He hadn't messaged anyone since before we met. So I started to calm, but still, why did he sign in? What was he looking for? I was still pretty upset.

 

So first thing I awoke to was him calling the next morning. He explained that it was a website he'd been on that site for over 10 years, and that he had only checked it that one time since we'd been dating, and he was just wanting to see if there were any new members on there in the area. Not to date, but just another friend he could relate to. I asked him why his profile still said that he was single and on there for dating. He said he hadn't updated it since before he met me, and didn't even realize that it still said that.

 

But then, he got really freaked out that I checked his email. REALLY freaked out. Thought I was snooping, that I was having a nervous breakdown, changed his password, told his parents, was really shaken up. He had gotten my barrage of 2 weeks worth of texts all in one minute, and for some reason thought I was sending them in real time. Thought I was having a nervous break down. Thought I had gone cookoo. In all that, he then freaked out and said he thought we shouldn't move in together! He really wanted to default on our lease, let them keep the deposit, and not move in together! He said, date for 5-6 more months and reconsider.

 

I knew this was a nutty idea, and he calmed down and agreed with me that it was a bad idea. I just know that as soon as he gets back we'll be back on even ground in 2 days, then we'll be wishing we were in that house and not out of $1800 with a pissed off friend/landlord to boot.

 

I thought about everything that had happened. I realized, I had brought it all on myself with my weird, untamed brain that I let run amuck for two weeks. It is definitely stupid that he is on an online dating site, though I do believe him when he said he went on there to find a friend to talk to about mental illness who can relate, not a date, and that he hadn't thought about how his profile looked and hadn't updated it since before he met me. But in the course of all that, I brought my worst fears on myself. Him deciding not to live with me, all because I had freaked out, nothing more.

 

Anyway, note to self! Karma is real! If you think bad thoughts, that is what will come! So think good thoughts, people, and I will work on doing the same