Is This Real?

[JagzOrDaFlash]

So here is the link for all my started thread posts about my ex gf.

 

I hope it works as Ill summarize it all very short cuz I knew its a hassle to read alot. This is probably my first asking for advice genuinely lol mainly because Ive always I really don't know what to do. Ive always posted and they have mainly been rants and realizations and desperations pretty much. Basically about to be 6 month since she broke up with me. I made mistakes by doing actions that had intentions of cheating. I felt/feel that I come to realization everyday that that was our demise. She ended up actually cheating on me with a couple guys 2-3 months before she broke up with august of last year. Didnt find out everything until 1-2 months after BU, prolly still dont everything but as I'm still pushing to heal everyday I'm just learning to simply let go and accept it all and move forward. I'm glad I have built up at least some strength. The first couple months was a complete hell but I made it. I can hardly believe it has already been 6 months since we were together and I was thinking everything was ok. We had very limited contact the first couple months. She changed her number, I changed my number. She showed up at my house (last time I saw her, wrote a thread about it) at the end of october last year. Broke down and gave her my number and went into a week and half almost everyday text mainly started by me, only one time by her, and that was the last time I talked to her and that was a month ago in december.

 

The last thing she sent me on whatsapp was "Stop, just stop". That pretty much gave me the push I needed I guess and I accepted it and it was better for me to just stop. I never responded, and I blocked her from whatsapp. I figured well she could always text me or call me if she wanted to, mainly my reason why I broke down and opened a line again by giving her my changed number also. Pretty much since she left and all the lies and cheating between us I found out and thats happened to us gave me the thought that it's pretty much impossible for her to want to talk to me or include her in her life, let alone get back together. Christmas past nothing, new years nothing. After the first couple months I can say now that I've built up some strength against her. Didnt text or call for holidays. I think I've finally got it down in head of thinking "Shes not gonna answer anyway, shes not interested way before we broke up, its over, accept it, move on, move forward, appreciate it, live life".

 

It's about to be six months and sometimes I don't what stage I'm in but to be completely honest, forget about everything else, if I truly loved this girl then I would let her go. Like I did with my other exes that broke up with me. We were toxic together, we were/are young when we tried to live together for a year. We were together for two. I was waiting desperately for 2014 to begin, just to start a new, new me, new values, new head on my shoulders, new heart to give, new laughs to begin with other people. I decided to unblock her because I pretty much gave up/battling it every day. It was also my curiosity. In whatsapp they can see when you have last logged in and if you are online but not necessarily on the conversation that you had with them before or in a new one. I saw her online a couple times, I sort of just left mine online. Moments after getting out of the app what do you know I get a text from her.

 

It wasnt through whatsapp though, I figured maybe she did try to contact me but realized that I blocked her, if she knows how that works, I dont know. So she texts me 3 times "Hey". Told my self I dont want to respond to her if she ever did try to contact me. I still have resentment for her and I don't know if that will ever go away let alone never stop having her a special place in my heart like my past lovers. She is my first where we didnt end on good terms. So I'm thinking is this real? I'm sure no contact not gonna work for me. I still don't know if I even want her back or how it would even work if we did. Then she says "Youve been in my dreams lately". "I'm really feeling this right now (sends me a link for bow wow - outta my system" "I'm sorry for everything". Then she calls me. I didnt answer. Then she says "I hope it's you and not some stranger haha". I didnt respond to anything at all. Still don't know if I should. Is she coming back? I doubt it. Do I still love her? Always will but I've come to the level where I just don't know how it would work again. So much trust gone. I was basically the one that broke us up. Can't believe she even called.

 

I sat in my car, figured its time for another crying session. Odd that this happened right after I unblocked her. Analyzing too much? Probably, most likely. Then I started thinking maybe shes trying to get closer. Plus the song that she sent me was the song that I SENT her after she left like mann. Maybe shes like I want my new year to be good, fix all bad things etc.. Tears started coming out, I kinda like it now because I know it's weakness leaving my body. Started thinking "I WON'T GIVE THAT TO HER, I WON'T GIVE IT TO YOU". I don't know what to do. I figure I should just keep going and not respond. I can't believe it happened but I should just go on like it didnt happen. I don't want to respond or settle for anything less than a "I want to get back together". And my response/my first response that I want to give to her ever would be "Took you this long, why now?". After that I really don't know what else I would say or want to say or see her or it going anywhere else past that.

 

What do you guys think? Is this really happening? Or she just wants closure right? Ive come to a point also where it does hurt TONS but I don't want her to see my tears, my anything. I love her, I know she loved me. Great times together, hurt each other real bad. She'll never see or hear from me again. Silence is the loudest and speaks the most. I respected her, and stopped begging. Why after about 6 months she actually even frickin CALLS me like really? Sigh I guess I just don't know what to feel. Please let me know your thoughts on this and I appreciate your advice and comments and for reading.

[AutumnBorn]

You said you were toxic together. You hurt each other. You felt resentment. You were looking forward to a new year and personal change. You posted nothing positive about her reaching out to you - no excitement, joy, relief, anger. You sound like you're in shock. Sit on it a bit. Think about it. You don't have to respond in any way, so there's no rush. She can wait at least as long as you did.

[Johnny Utah]

Please don't respond to her. You said she was toxic. You're only opening yourself to a world of hurt. Let it go, for your sake more than for hers.

[SooSad33]

You're still feeling alot- in there is the loss & pain of everything.

 

Yes- nothing more her way unless it'd re: getting back. BUT- then as you mentioned, the trust issue etc and resentment.

Maybe this is fact that things may not in fact be the same again, so it's all just about healing now & moving on?

 

I know how hard it all is- many here, do. It'll take some time, tears and all- but yes. You need to do what is best for YOU now.

 

One day at a time..first things first. Aim yourself AWAY from her now. Work on yourself & getting yourself back to where you were before.

More stable emotionally & mentally and someday you will be able to move on again, being yourself & happy.

 

Give it time.. that's all we have.

 

tc