Does he want more?

[bicbic]

I've known this guy for over half a year now and we've hit it off really well. We are together at least two or three times a week and it's always a good time. We have been intimate with each other, however he told me right when he met me that he didn't want a gf. I was okay with that, but I'm so confused why he wouldn't. It's like we are bf and gf right now, just without that label. He did get really heart broken over his last gf that broke up with him, so that might be it. Or the fact that he's four years older, I don't know. He does tell me that he cares about me a lot and that he doesn't want me to disappear out of his life. What do you think all of this means? Should I ask him what's up and if we should move on? You're help would be great!

[Lilu]

You need to make sure that you are not just his rebound. You mentioned he was/is heart broken with his last relationship. That should be a warning bell to you, to becareful. Talk to him and tell him how you feel about it all. You need to communicate to see where your relationship is heading.

 

wish you luck.

[tiger_lilies]

OMG! Why is it that guys all say that they are not looking for a g/f?????? Are they only saying that so they can get laid???

 

My guy said that to me too, yet we have such an awsome time together...we almost act like we could be an amazing couple...why wouldn't he want me as his g/f? This question has been on my mind for so long, but I can't seem to find the answer to it either.

[NinjaLink]

well from a guy's point of view. If you are already getting laid without being in a relationship, there is no point in being in one. I AM HAPPILY ENGAGED WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. lol, im just going by from what i hear all my guy friends talk about.

[tiger_lilies]

Well that sucks! I mean, why do guys think that if they get laid, then they are home free from a relationship? Don't they realize that they might be hurting the girl? More insight would be fantastic!

[Mun]

Everything sounds pretty good to me, minus the fact you are having sex without knowing where you stand. I think this is what is hurting you the most. Am I right?

 

I suggest you enjoy the relationship because it sounds like you two are really having a great time together---and probably heading toward more as long as you don't ask where is this going? If having sex is a problem, and I think it is, then stop having sex with him. If he asks why, simply tell him you don't feel comfortable having sex without being exclusive and leave it at that. Don't argue with him about it. Don't ask him for a committment.

 

It seems to me that he may get over his relationship phobia ( sounds like he already has) as long as you keep on enjoying yourself without making more demands on him. Some people really don't like labels .

 

Trust him and trust yourself.

 

Love

[NinjaLink]

Well, a lot of guys play a lot of games. You have to pick your guys wisely. Most of the nice guys are the ones waiting for the nice girl to stop trying to change the bad guys!

 

Luckily, my girlfriend found me fast instead of getting hurt by more guys

 

To answer your question, If you want to change that type of guy, you have to play hard to get, or concentrate on talking to the nicer guys. Well this is why "playing hard to get" was invented. So you won't be in a relationship easily and basically get hurt easily. You have to know the person and their background to even consider being in a relationship with them. Don't rush things unless you've known the person for a long time.

[tiger_lilies]

Muneca, I posted something similar before and I received a response from a male who said he'd be pissed off if the girl all of a sudden developed a conscience and didn't want to have sex anymore. I know that probably means that this is a huge red flag on the guy and where his true intentions lie...but if I were the guy, I'd be totally confused about why she would want to back out of sex.

 

Plus, what if the girl wants it as bad as the guy? Since women tend to relate sex as an emotional thing...is the girl being shallow for wanting it as bad as the guy?

[dreamweaverdude]

Tiger there is nothing wrong with the girl wanting it as bad as the guy........

 

but i do have a problem with someone not respecting someone elses wants and needs..... if you tell him NO until you are comfortable with things he should honor that.. if not.. you need to consider the guy youare with.

 

We all do things sometimes we regret. and if you 'change you' mind and chart a different course than you started.. that's your choice.... I mean always heard it's a woman's perogative to change her mind. He might not like, but simply explain why.... you'll see what kind of guy you have.

[Stari]

Better than to stop having sex completely might be to reduce the frequency of it.

 

Women give sex to receive affection while men give affection to get sex. Stopping sex might for a woman seem like forbidding dessert but to a man, it is more like not getting any food at all. This might build more resentment than motivation to change the situation. Does a complete lack of affection to a woman make her think "Gee, now I realise that I should change my behaviour." ?

 

A girlfriend who stops sex mimics the actions of a woman who is no longer attracted to her man. If the man looks at her actions he sees that the relationship has gone south and might decide that he had better find a new relationship.

[tiger_lilies]

Hmmm, that's interesting Stari. I've always known that

Women give sex to receive affection while men give affection to get sex

 

What would your reaction be if the girl your having sex with, talks to you about wanting to stop becuase she's afraid that you might have the wrong impression of her?

 

Would you think that:

1) she's no longer interested?

2) that she is being complicated and unreasonable?

3) that she's not worth the effort to build a real relationship with?

 

More insight please...I'm totally confused...I hope that these questions also help out the original poster too!

[juno]

well, the guy wants sex without commitment. That means she doesnt see u as a potential true gf. U can follow the game and get him into like u. But I think he is going to pretend jut to get a little more sex. Well, if u like sex then u should contunue, otherwise get out of there. You´ll be hurt. Good luck

[Stari]

What would your reaction be if the girl your having sex with, talks to you about wanting to stop becuase she's afraid that you might have the wrong impression of her?

 

I would think that the woman was trying to convince herself that she is not cheap. Unfortunately, it is not her uttering these words that affect her status but only her actions. Instead, to me she would appear insecure. Not insecure of the relationship, but of herself.

 

However, if she felt and with determination said "I need to stop this today because the cost for me is too great. ", and she really did stop the sex and stopped spending time together, it would force to me to decide whether to commit or for us to go separate ways.

 

The situation looks similar to relationship to a married man. The married man will never leave his wife or his mistress as long as he can have them both in his life. Not until there are consequences, will one possibly change.

 

Would you think that:

1) she's no longer interested?

2) that she is being complicated and unreasonable?

3) that she's not worth the effort to build a real relationship with?

 

Some replies:

1) Depends on her actions and bodylanguage, not her words.

2) Yes, if her actions give other signals than her words. Otherwise No.

3) Same here, acting her talk will be to her advantage. Not acting her talk might make it feel good to get rid of her.

[Mun]

I don't think it would cause confusion in the man if she told him straight out that she no longer feels comfortable having sex while not being exclusive. She is not witholding affection, she is simply stating what she feels comfortable with. There is no reason to be confused, she is telling WHY she is not going to have sex anymore. She is giving him a reason. She can still be affectionate and date him minus the sex ( if that's what she wants).

 

If he says "so long" because there will be no more sex then she will know what quality of man he is. He does not respect her decisions and she can do better than that.

 

Whatever she decides she needs to back it up. The worst thing she can do is say " no more sex" then jump right back in the sack with him... he will never believe anything she says ever again, will lose all respect for her... and she will feel miserable.

[Stari]

Unfortunately, if simply saying the words did work then there would not be the need for a site like this. Actions drowns the content of words. When a woman tries to understand this from a mans point of view she should replace the word "sex" with "affection". Personally, I can only appreciate affection after my sexual needs have been met, not before. thereforeeee, affection is not an alternative to sex for me. Sex is the sole confirmation of my romantic worthiness. Without sex, I see no difference in the actions between this situation and a woman with her female friend.

 

Consistency brings respect. That is why I think a gradual change in frequency of sex will be met with more respect than stopping cold turkey. If he starts to miss you more he might realise that you are a keeper. Making big changes might indicate to him that you like the drama that it brings. With a gradual change he will get the hint and you will come off as calm which is an attractive quality in my opinion.

 

If he says "so long" because you stop sex, all it tells you is that he is not head over heels in love with you. But I guess you have figured that out already, since he seems OK of the way the relationship is at the moment.

 

I have accepted no sex once when it was stated from the start and when I knew that I wanted to keep her for life.

[tiger_lilies]

Thank you so much Stari...you're given me some real male insight on my situation.

 

I really like this guy that I'm casually involved with at the moment. We've had crushes on each other for roughly three years and it's just recently progressed into more since last summer.

 

You hit the nail on the head with:

 

I would think that the woman was trying to convince herself that she is not cheap. Unfortunately, it is not her uttering these words that affect her status but only her actions. Instead, to me she would appear insecure. Not insecure of the relationship, but of herself.

 

This is sooooooooooooo true! I am having self conscience attacks on my morals and the worthiness of myself. Thing is, I WANT to have sex with him...but does that make me look bad in his eyes? I didn't think so...but perhaps now I do.

 

 

Consistency brings respect. That is why I think a gradual change in frequency of sex will be met with more respect than stopping cold turkey. If he starts to miss you more he might realise that you are a keeper. Making big changes might indicate to him that you like the drama that it brings. With a gradual change he will get the hint and you will come off as calm which is an attractive quality in my opinion.

 

Good advice Stari...I've been thinking about this route too! Some of my friends suggested this as well. Thanks so much!

 

Muneca, this is what I needed to hear:

Whatever she decides she needs to back it up. The worst thing she can do is say " no more sex" then jump right back in the sack with him... he will never believe anything she says ever again, will lose all respect for her... and she will feel miserable.

 

Snaps me back to reality!

[Mun]

I see what you are saying Stari and this is why I frequently tell women to see less of a man who is not interested in a relationship, but still wants to have the woman around.

 

However, I suggested to her to stop having sex because she seemed to not feel good about herself because she was having sex with him and not in a relationship and I believe that if we are doing something that is causing us to doubt ourselves and our self-worth then we need to stop doing it.

 

and Tiger_liles.. there is NOTHING wrong with a woman wanting sex as much or MORE than a man.

 

Love

[Stari]

You make good points, Muneca.

 

Since my posts there have been two thoughts that bother me:

 

First, I asked myself, how many committed couples have I actually heard of that started out as friends with benefits? I once read about one such couple, that is all.

 

Second, there must be a reason why a couple choose to start out as friends with benefit and why they do not choose to even try a committed relationship. If I have gotten things right, it is not the most difficult thing to simply end a relationship if it does not work out. So my thought is that whatever this reason is for not trying a committed relationship is, it is very important for one or both of them.

 

As long as this very important reason is still there or is not later in time compensated by something even more important, the friends with benefit will not change status to committed couple.

 

So how does friends with benefit arise?

I assume that men can have sex without emotion in larger extent than women can. This enables a man to have sex with a women he thinks is not relationship material. I think that women also have sex with non-boyfriend material, but not to the same extent as men. Suggesting friends with benefit is a way for at least one of the two to be be honest. That way guilt is avoided if (when?) the one that did not suggest friends with benefit wants more.

 

/Stari