time apart (taking a break) vs. breaking up

[sweetsparkle]

my boyfriend (or ex - I don't know) recently asked me for time apart, one month with no contact. we've been together for 2.5 years and during the past few months, we've been fighting alot and there has been alot of tension and resentment between us, which is why he asked for time apart. he told me that this would be good for us, to think things through and see why we fought so much. also he told me that fighting and staying together in the past did not work so taking time apart would be a positive step in the right direction for us.

 

i have not contacted him at all for about 10 days now. it's been really hard on me and i'm getting frustrated because i have no idea what to do or think during this period. are we broken up or are we together but just on a break? but why the no contact part? please help. i'm totally confused. before i left, i asked him twice if this was his way of breaking up with me and he kept reassuring me that it's not, thta's not over between us and to have faith. but it's hard you know?

[ebola316]

When people say they want a break, or need space, that usually is a sign that something is up.

 

The best thing to do is to maintain the no contact thing, and at the end of the month, let him contact you-don't call him. In the meantime, I know it is very hard, but try to keep busy and concentrate on you instead of him.

 

Try to eat, sleep, keep in touch with friends and family, and keep coming back to this board. There's alway someone available day or night here to help you get through the worst.

[Yorkrose23]

Taking a break is not always a bad idea. If you were consistently fighting, then you probably needed to take a step back.

Try not to concentrate so much on what "might be going on"

Just relax, spend time with yourself, pamper yourself. And if it is meant to be, it will work out.

[sweetsparkle]

at first, i really believed that time apart would be good for us since we never took any kind of a break or step back everytime we fought. however, as the days are passing by, i'm beginning to doubt it. i sometimes wonder what is the use of no contact. i know for sure he is not dating someone else. according to friends, he just needs time and space to sort things out for himself. but this time apart makes me feel vulnerable and makes me very scared. i've been trying to use this time to also think about why we fought so much in the past and to improve myself but at the same time, i feel lost and confused. i miss him so much and i want to hear his voice. but by all means, i will not contact him. it's so hard.....

[Mentor]

Hi,

 

You are doing the right thing by not contacting him. I can't say what is going on in his head, or if you will get back together after this, but your best chance is to let him go. If he comes back to you then you know that you were meant for each other.

 

Be strong. Talk to your family/friends when the urge to contact him gets to be too strong. Know that whatever happens he is missing you as well.

[d346]

definitely do not contact him. He asked for space and you have to give it to him to "figure" this out. Contacting him will do nothing good, in fact may frustrate him, and the next thing you know, he needs more than a month!

 

Now don't get me wrong, I think it is a bunch of bull...needing to be on your own to figure things out (about a relationship that involves 2 people). My boyfriend did this to me this summer. he needed 2 weeks...maybe longer, and he didn't know "how he felt about things". I was a mess...i thought, what the **** does that mean? I was a wreck, wondering if he was going to come back to me wanting to break it off for good. i couldn't eat, sleep, I started smoking ( not for too long!) Anyway, he was confused, and overwhelmed by our fighthing, and my relentless demands to know what was going on. Essentially he bailed. during those two weeks he just unwound, didn't even think about "us" and that really pissed me off. when I did see him he had no resolution. so I told him that I deserved happiness and if I found it elsewhere then that's what's meant to be) He agreed, but within a week, he started calling me wanting to work through things and try again. when he wanted a break I was practically begging him to work on things. When he still didn't know, I was strong and kept my distance. It wasn't until then that he became scared of losing me and realized what I meant to him.

 

things are now good between us -we have since resolved some issues we had. But I truly believe this is only permissable once. I don't want to be in a relationship where my significant other walks away, or threatens to do so every time something seems amiss.

 

As for you, definitely do everything suggested...keep busy, etc. etc. i know though, it's so hard. I couldn't even sleep through the night and woke up with a pit in my stomach, I missed him so much.

 

But...this is YOUR time -to figure out what you want. It's ok to get a little mad that he deserted you. And if he comes back wanting to make things work, what do you want? You should have a list of things that YOU need to talk to HIM about, because this is your relationship too. That way, it won't happen again, and you don't become a doormat in all this. You were fighting -so maybe now you should think why -and maybe what it is that he needs to work on as well.

 

good luck. Trust me -it will get better, even though it seems like everything is falling apart right now.

[sweetsparkle]

thank you all for responding to my post. i'm trying very hard right now to be strong and not think too much about what he may be doing, or thinking because it drives me crazy. one thing i'm proud of is that i haven't contacted him (14 days and counting). i know he needs this time apart and i want to show him that i do respect him and listen to his needs.

 

i do miss him alot. i used to live with him, so not waking up to him every morning and hearing his voice everyday is very hard. i also wake up with a pit in my stomache every day. he requested for one month apart without contact but i wonder if he will really call me once this one month is up. i hate the fact that everything is up in the air. and i'm scared that he might call and say "it's over."

 

in the meantime, i'm hanging out with friends and family and just trying to be myself. i also take some time to think about the relationship and the issues that made us fight so much.

 

i just hope that this is truly for the better as he says.

[ebola316]

How are you making it through the night Sweetsparkle? Or is it day there?

[sweetsparkle]

i couldn't sleep for the first few days - i usually watched TV, called friends who i knew slept late, and surfed the net (which was not good because i always checked to see if he emailed me). i couldn't even eat.

 

but now, i sleep well again. i still think of him before i fall asleep and when i wake up but i don't lose sleep over him. i'm lucky because my good friend is visiting me so i have company. you know, i think i'm a little better because i have hope and faith that this is good for us. however, i'm not so sure if it's a good thing.

 

btw, he is taiwan and i am in LA. i'm pretty much living out of my suitcase because some of my stuff is still back there.

[ebola316]

Well, I'm at that no-sleeping no-eating stage right now. Tomorrow will make 2 weeks, and I've lost about 10 lbs. The problem is now I live alone in the woods, a place he made me move to. I don't know anyone here and have no family or friends within hundreds of miles.

[sweetsparkle]

gosh it must be so hard for you to be up there by yourself. do you have any friends or family you can stay with? being with people really helps and keeps you busy. also, maybe you should find ways to stay in the city oppose to the mtns.....

 

let me know how i can help.

 

btw, what is your situation? did he ask for time apart with no contact too?

[ebola316]

We lived together 2 years. We had a bad argument on Thanksgiving at his sisters house. The next day, I didn't speak to him at all. The following day, he said he was leaving in the beginning of Jan. I got mad and said "no, leave now", so he did.

 

Me leaving here is not an option, since I have 2 kids [not his] in school, and pets to take care of. So I'm stuck.

 

Keep in touch.

[sweetsparkle]

you know, as time goes by my hope is slowly fading. i know he asked for one month apart without contact BUT i don't see how this can help. won't it just feed into his negative thoughts about this relationship? i miss him so much. i check my emails everyday in hopes that he will write. today will be exactly 15 days since we last talked. i'm trying hard not to think about him but it's hard. i ALWAYS wonder if he thinks of me or misses me. if he will even come back to me when the month is over.

[ebola316]

I talked to mine on Wednesday. He has no intention of coming back, so I told him not to call anymore. He was calling every other day or so. I tried to ignore him but eventually picked up.

 

I really can't say the relationship was going great, which was mostly his fault. He wasn't very into me. He would spend hours on the computer. More time on there than with me. His family always came first over me. He never wanted to do anything I would enjoy {unless I was paying}

 

I mean, his sister or his adult niece would call, and he would talk to them, and at the end of the conversation he would always say "I love you". I asked him why he only told me he loved me about 3 times in 2 years, and I would get answers like" Why, so you can walk all over me?

 

When it came to sex, in the beginning everything was great. Lately he would be like 'take off your pants, bing bang, and thats it.

 

So things were not going good for awhile, and it came to a head on Thanksgiving. Then I just blew up and cursed him out, and he left.

 

I asked him to come back several times since, but I've been wondering if I don't deserve better. He sometimes made me feel that he was doing me a favor by being with me.

 

I saw something in him on Thanksgiving . He has 2 little girls from a previous ex. They are around 12 and 13. He's hasn't seen them in years. He told me the ex is giving him a hard time. But come on- these are your kids. If an ex took my kids, and I couldn't see them, I'd damn well be at court everyday until I got to see them.

 

His sister had some recent pics of the kids, since his ex stays in touch with her. She showed them to him, and he was like "yeah, nice". It didn't seem to bother him in the least.

 

So I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel better off without him.

Sooner or later something was going to have to give. I was having a hard time living with his indifference to anything except what he felt was important to his own well-being.

 

Another example is in August, he went to an old friends funeral in NYC. He calls me and tells me he's out walking the dog with his niece. I have a big dog too, and since I have asthma, on bad days, it's hard for me to walk her. He would never help me walk her. When he came back from the funeral, and I said something about walking his nieces dog, he walked mine once and only once and that was it . When I talked to him about it the answer I got was " It's your dog"

 

For the whole two years we lived together it was 'your this' 'mine that' with him. Nothing was ever "ours. So I don't think the relationship was going anywhere anyway.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Ebola,

 

I am very sorry about your situation, but reading your posts I think you are really better of without him.

 

Everything that you mention about him is bad and maybe reason enough to finish it.

 

I know it is very hard when a relationship ends, especially if you moved to the top of a mountain for him and are now all alone, but I think you are really better off without him.

 

I agree with other posters that you should move away as soon as possible, because I believe that when you get to a nicer area, with other people and loads to do, where nothing reminds you of him, you will feel better.

 

You definetly deserve better. Have you tried posting your profile on dating sites?

 

All the best and good luck

[ebola316]

Not yet, since this village is so small, if I posted, I would probably get my neighbor or some silly hunter or something.

 

There's a nice man in Florida, where we used to live. We were only neighbors and friends, but I always felt that we might have been compatible.

 

I really didn't have the chance to find out, since I only lived there a couple of months before I met this idiot and he talked me into moving up north.

 

This neighbor in Florida was always there with hugs and sympathy whenever my ex and I had a falling out. My ex took off last Thanksgiving too, and I had dinner with this neighbor and a friend. Then the ex came back a couple of days later with his ultimatum of moving up north and I just lost it. I told him I would do anything as long as he didn't leave me again. Generally made a big jerk of myself.

 

I have this guy in Florida's EMail, but I have never contacted him, and I have a feeling that he thinks the only time I do is when I have a problem with my ex. He's right. Do you think I should EMail him, and how should I start, since I know he's heard about my recent breakup from a friend.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Ebola,

 

yes, I think you should email him.

 

Maybe you should start friendly and casual without writing about your breakup straight away. You know, something like:

 

'Dear XX, how are you doing? It's been some time since we talked. How was you thankgiving? What's the weather like in Florida, here it is...

 

I hope you are doing fine and look forward to hearing from you.'

 

That's just how I would do it, but maybe you want to mention your breakup or write in a more serious tone.

 

Anyway you write, I think you should contact him, but not put too many hopes in it, so you wont be disappointed.

 

Good luck,

[ebola316]

I wouldn't put too much into contacting him. He was a good friend,and I would be satisfied with that.

 

Last year, when my ex took off, I spent 2 days crying in front of this man. He counseled me for hours, and then what do I do? The minute my ex snapped his fingers, I went running and turned cool toward this guy and my other friend.

 

Well, they say what goes around comes around. And I guess I am getting mine now. I left family and some very good friends down there to please him. Its not that I wasn't warned, but just chose not to listen.

 

I was in love, and I did what I thought was right at the time . So I put myself in this position, and now all I can do is look to the future, and putting things right. A little bit wiser and poorer.

 

Maybe it will be good for me to struggle now. Maybe next time I will think more carefully and let my head rule my heart. In the back of my mind all along I had a feeling things weren't going to work. There's an age difference, I'm 38 him 26, and there are cultural and racial differences. I am white and he is Black-American-Puerto Rican.

 

If I would have listened to my head last year, I still would have been sitting in my nice warm apartment in Florida, surrounded by family and friends. Now I'm alone here, and he's with his family and friends, who livc only a couple of hours from here.

 

The way I see it, this guy saw me coming, used me as a ticket up north, and took off.

 

How is your situation coming? I've been following your posts closely. Anything new?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Ebola,

 

I am writing about my own situation in my own thread. Do you have your own thread? Then we could write there instead of highjacking this thead.

 

Talk to you soon.

[ebola316]

I don't have my own thread. How do you make one?

[Tryingtobestrong]

You click on 'New Topic' next to the 'Post reply' button.