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Unwarranted Anxiety In Relationship?


lilpandabear

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Hi everyone,

 

Do you guys have any advice on how I can just relax and enjoy my relationship?

 

This may sound like the oddest thing in the world, but everything is going so well that I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

We have been together for almost a year, spend tons of time together, and never have fought (some minor disagreements naturally but we both are quick to resolve and apologize). The more and more I get to know him the more I feel that I have finally met "the one" - which is something he reciprocates. And the happier I get the more nervous I also get about loosing him. I don't think he will cheat on me in any way. My paranoia is more around one of us getting into an accident and dying, or that one of my std tests that I took before we started going out was actually wrong in it's results (they came back negative for everything) and I have accidentally given him some horrible disease and he'll think I cheated, or that I will get some condition that renders me unable to have kids.

 

I know that such concerns are massively unwarranted - especially the ones where I know my health is fine - and just me being scared. My younger brother passed away unexpectedly last year so some of it may just be sensitivity to that.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? How do I just relax and accept that maybe this time I actually found a keeper?

 

If any of you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want my worries to start to manifest themselves in my relationship and ruin a good thing.

 

Thanks so much for listening and thanks in advance for any advice.

 

(P.S. If anyone has any mediation tips or other tips on how to focus on the positive things and sooth anxiety please let me know.)

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I am impressed that you asked about meditation techniques. I do have something that might help, its one of my life systems I use whenever I need some personal reform. You mentioned that you are very aware of the phobias you have, as unrealistic. The key thing to remember is fear - fear is a motivator, it is an influencer, and it distorts one's perspectives. To beat it, it takes a little willpower, and some discipline. It involves becoming mindful of our thoughts, and even more important, how we speak, even in private (even to ourselves). Resist any thought form, or any verbal communication or behavior that could be fear motivated. Resist fear, resist depression. Both go hand in hand with causing us to feel threatened, or insecure.

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Thanks for the advice morrowrd. I never thought to remember that it is the fear that is the culprit. To confirm, if your life system to just remain diligent in resisting anything that is fear motivated or is there a more specific mantra (for lack of a better word) involved? Just wanting to triple check and make sure I am doing all I can to beat this. Thanks again!

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There is a technique, yes. The system is something I created way back when I went through personal reform, and I discovered it works when battling depression, which occasionally I can find myself in at times. Depression causes ones perspective to become corrupted. And when I notice myself complaining or getting angry about things, in a frequent sort of way, I assume I have fallen into depression. Fear also fits in because if you find yourself talking a certain way, or behaving a certain way because you are worried about certain consequences from specific people, that needs to be addressed in the same exact way. Many times, fear based behavior and depression based go hand in hand.

 

The method is simple, but takes consistency. It involves paying attention to what you say, and to the best of your ability, your thought life...which influences what comes out of your mouth. Talking negatively about others, and about yourself, hurts you more than you think. As you pay attention, you will be surprised at how often you will do this, even when you are all alone. Just because nobody is around, it all counts. Just like the dieter sneaking a donut, nobody sees, but it counts. I'm not at all suggesting new agey fluffer-nutter arm chair theories either. I have succeeded in beating depression by "catching" myself speaking negatively, and I will say to myself, "resist depression" and I will cut myself off from saying anything more. If in conversations with people, I pay attention to how I respond. If I want to complain, I don't. I listen, and either say "I agree" or if I don't know how to respond the right way, I follow my little rule. When I don't know what the right thing to do or say is, I will do nothing.

 

What happens over time is your character and personality adapts, changes, and the depression/fear fog lifts. I liken the tongue to the rudder on a ship. It is the one device that steers it's course. What most people don't realize is by controlling the tongue, you can rediscipline your mind as well.

 

I have a saying I live by. Fix the within, and you fix the without. Once you have worked on yourself using this little system, your perspective re calibrates, you "respond" to your outer environment differently, and in turn, the outer environment responds back.

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Oh I know where you're coming from. You're not alone. I used to get a lot of anxiety, but I started seeing a psychologist and I got better.

 

My psychologist taught me a technique based on "response prevention." I kind of personalized it in a way that makes sense to me. So this is what I do when I'm dealing with anxiety:

 

1. Imagine anxiety is a big bad bully that is making you feel bad and is trying to make you do something you don't want until it goes away. In my case, when I was feeling anxious, I would check my phone and emails excessively or think about the worst case scenarios of my relationship.

 

2a. Do nothing. Sit with that anxiety. Feel it and tell yourself that it's okay that you're feeling anxious. Observe any tension on your body or your heartbeat. Deep slow breath. It might take you 15 to 20 minutes or longer. Tell that "bully" (anxiety) that you accept what you're feeling and you're not going to give into it. If it's fear about your relationship, you need to reason with yourself and ask yourself if the fear is warranted. For example, my fear will tell me that my boyfriend is losing interest in me. I will then reason that if that's the case, he wouldn't be calling me everyday, sending me cute texts in the morning, wanting to know my likes and dislikes and making plans to see me. So the fear is unwarranted.

 

2b. If you're still feeling very anxious, find something else to do. Go for a jog, a walk, catch up with a friend, play a video game, take a bath, read a book, etc.

 

3. Eventually the anxiety will subside. You'll feel better and accomplished that you just beat anxiety.

 

It gets better. I know how hard it is when you're in the middle of anxiety. It sucks, but it can be dealt with. You will get better. Take care.

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These are irrational thoughts spurred on by fear and anxiety. I lost my aunt 3 years ago and struggle with the same thing. My biggest fear is "what if we get married, spend 20 years together, have kids, build a home and a life and then he cheats" i dont know why i think this way but i fear that i will wake up one day and think i wasted my whole life on the wrong person.. an even bigger fear i have is living a lie like "what if he cheats and i dont find out and i think i can trust him but cant" etc.. the weirder thing is I DO trust him in general. I just have this niggling fear "people do change-sometimes for the worst so keep your eyes open and expect the unexpected-dont ever feel too "safe" or "too secure" coz i know it can all come crashing down in an instant and hit you like a ton of bricks" (again aunt dying)

 

I think the reason i fear cheating is coz its the same as death to me-the death of our relationship-its over and no going back from that.. its the one thing i will not tolerate or forgive so it means the end which is why i fear it.

 

i also worry excessively if he doesn't answer his phone "what if he had an accident at work" etc.. i used to have a touch of OCD and had a habit of always telling him to drive carefully. I was afraid if i dont say it something will happen but i snapped out of it..

 

i dont know how to deal with this myself tbh so i dont know how to help you.. ive managed to control it. I only get panicky maybe once a month now and i try to brush it off

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