How can I return to my life after an affair

[dona]

Recently I was on business out of town for about 10 days. I met someone, we got close, and before we knew, we were in bed. Both of us have been married for 6 years, we both have kids, and we both were having an affair for the first time. We knew all will end by the time we go back to our families and it is very likely that we will never meet again.

However, as the time passes by, I get more confused and unable to continue with my "normal" life. I've always believed that having an affair is an awful thing and honestly trusted that I will never experiece that - either as cheated or cheating person.

Until the time this hapened, I trusted that I had a normal if not happy life and relationship with my husband. Now it seems that I am more critical, more resentful and nervous. I try to remember and revive the romance between us, expecting that he will tune to my waves and make some effort to awake the passion, the tenderness, that special love feeling.

I really want my happy relationship back, but it seems my husband is not bothered with the current situation and has no clue about my worries.

Meanwhile, we exchange e-mails occasionally with the guy I had the 1 week affair. I don't want to make it more complicated for him and I feel it might not be right to keep the contact with him.

 

And yet our romance was so strong, so passionate and overwhelming, that I can't help thinking about him, reluctantly comparing our 1 -week adventure with the boring life style with my husband and longing to search a contact with him.

 

So do you have any fresh ideas on how I can gain back my previous perhaps a bit boring, but still safe life?

[Sherlock]

I'm never getting married. I see this happen all the time with my friends and co-workers.

 

No one stays loyal to the ones they love anymore.

 

It's a flippin shame.

 

Please, I'm not judging you. Just the institution of marriage. Makes no sense to me.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I was engaged and involved in a seven year relationship and did stray. It was very passionate and exciting and I found it impossible to get back to my normal life.

 

I hope you can figure out what you want without destroying your marriage. Unfortunately it might already be slipping away. If you were tempted once.....you'll be tempted again.

[Cecelius]

I agree with Sherlock. Posts like this show why marriage is just insane.

 

No offense, but your husband is still mired in the mundane because he has no idea that you let another man have sex with you. Your husband has basically given up just as much freedom, excitement, etc., to build a life with/for you as you have to him. People who cheat out of boredom are a little like teenagers rebelling: they feel safe since they've been well cared for but they feel they can abuse their loved ones because the safety will always be there.

 

Can you honestly maintain that if you hooked up with the other guy long term, the excitement would still be there a year, 2 years, 6 years from now?

 

If I were you how I would console myself with a dull life is by thinking that its a life that is good enough for other people and that you need to aspire to be worthy of it. How would your kids feel about what happened? What kind of example would this set to your sons and/daughters?

[tea]

... everyone getting into affairs scares me too. it really seems if no one have the slightest notion of staying firm on not cheating... the whole relationship thing is pointless.

 

 

... i suggest you cut off communication with the guy you had a passionate week with... don't tell your husband about the whole thing, and your husband and you should probably go on a small 3 day get away together without your kids. have some fun, eat out, date as if you're not married... it might help.

 

 

I agree with what's said above. That's no way to set example for your kids...

 

... also, falling for excitements in new relationships is just down right immature. ALL relationships have their ups and downs, and ALL relationships stop being exciting after about 5~7 years. No one said it's always going to be exciting, when he married you he just promised that he'll always love you, either as a lover, as a friend, or as family... and now you ruined that.

[Evelyn99]

I don't know if I'm on target here, but I'll try.

 

Life with small children can get mundane quickly. I suspect that one of the reasons your week long affair was so exciting was that you had a role with a man that didn't include bathing the kids and picking the shirts up from the laundry. Now you're back to all that, and it seems flat and boring.

 

Is it possible that you can dump the kids with a friend or family member and you and your husband go off for a few days alone together? Maybe having a little break in the routine, a little freshness where the two of you can look at each other as lovers instead of as housemates that share a bed will help.

[HaloDestroyer]

Another.... not to put too fine a point on it..... disgraceful occurrence...

 

I'm sorry, but I really have a problem with people who have affairs, and then want to return to their normal lives afterwards.

 

I think that firstly, you should tell your husband. Definitely. This poor guy needs to know.

 

I'm not trying to judge you... But the fact that people who have affairs refer to it as 'cheating', suggests that they may, sub-consciously or not, believe their whole marriage a game. Some may even consider it a minor inconvieniance...

 

I also agree with Sherelock... If you've already committed, how likely is it that you'll..... re-offend?

 

You definitely need to talk to your husband about this.

 

Work something out, and try to get over it...

 

Ben.

 

XxX xXx

[Cecelius]

Frankly, I don't think this is just a "bored" situation and should be taken very seriously. Your husband has a right to know that you put him at risk for STDs (even where there was protection -- HPV, etc.), a pregnancy that isn't his to worry about, the fact that he's contributing to a household where the bargain you two struck has been breached because of your "needs".

 

I don't think a little "spice" is going to change the moral balance here. You need to come clean so he can decide if he's still in, you need to drop ANY attention to the other guy.

[HaloDestroyer]

Cecelius has got it exactly right.

 

Well done!

 

XxX xXx

[tea]

That's true.. and I agree her husband "should" know.

 

However, more likely than not he'll divorce her if he finds out... and it seems she wants to keep the relationship.

 

I don't think she deserves to be able to keep her relationship, but if that's what she wants then she should try keeping it for now.

 

I think spice isn't the problem in her marriage, the problem is more likely her attitude than anything else, but at this point she better hope that some spice will change her mind or the whole thing's doomed to failure.

[HaloDestroyer]

Tea, I'm sorry to disagree with you.... Well, actually I'm not...

 

I've seen your advice around the forums... You're a good, reliable person, from what I can gather.

 

But this woman... She doesn't deserve anything.

 

She's cheated... And she's trying to get out of paying the inevitable consequences.

 

As a Paladin (Judge, Jury, and Executioner) might say, all that's left for her is to receive her sentence...

 

Ben.

 

XxX xXx

[dirtbubble]

Why is it that when a woman betrays her man it's justified by the "passion" she felt, but when a man does it he's just a pig? Well, guess what, this out of town guy you bedded is just pig who cheated on his wife, just like you are an unsatisfied wife who just slept with some stranger. Any thoughts you have of trading your boring married life for a life of passion with this pig are a complete illusion. No way that is going to happen, so just forget it. And yeah, break off all contact with him, throw away his number, and forget his name. He'll do the same as soon as he's not getting any play.

 

Don't tell you husband and try to save something you were supposed to cherish for many, many years to come, but you will have to live with your betrayal. You will have to see him every day knowing he has no idea how poorly you treated him and the trust he has in you. You tell your husband now and risk everything you've been building with him, and at least you will be on an even playing field. But no matter what happens you don't get to have the happy-ever-after life of passion with your new lover (or any other, for that matter). Sorry it doesn't work that way.

 

I believe passion can be restored. You have to really want it with him, though. Do you know what you want?

[HaloDestroyer]

Dirtbubble, I agree with the first part of your message... The whole system is unfair to men in that respect...

 

But if I was her husband... And she DIDN'T tell me.... I can't describe what I'd do on these forums.... It's not pretty...

 

Ben.

 

XxX xXx

[Cecelius]

This is a huge philosphy question. Her marriage is such a huge institution, there's probably a house, there are kids, etc., it would just be a shame for it to all crumble over one week of passion...

 

People should think of these things while their underwear is still on. That is up to her husband to decide now. If she's a decent person and this happened, then he's probably already aware that things were bad.

 

She could skip this just by divorcing him. Not exactly honest, but the next best thing to being honorable.

 

You get married, you are taking on an office that you strive to be worthy of. There's no problem in not taking or, in my opinion, quitting the office, but you can't be workign for the other side at the same time.

[mcpiper]

I don't know where to start but I do know I need to say something. I have been there, it has been almost eight years ago and another divorce since it happened to me. I am still suffering the not being able to trust syndrome. As a result of infidelity I no longer see my two children and I wasn't even the one commiting the adultery. I caught him after 16 years of marriage, he was a preachers son. I say if there is no verbal abuse or physical abuse stop!!!!! There can't be nothing you could do with the new guy that you couldn't do with the present right? This brings back so many bad memories. I wish I could rewind my last eight years so could you could watch some of what you might be headed for

PIPER

[hoppy27]

bottom line is male or female, married or not, gay or straight. you cheat you are no more worth the trash i just put out yesterday.

cheating split my family up...........so you will never get simpathy from me. i hope when you tell your husband...........if you have the spine.

that he runs with your poor children and finds a "real" women who wont get bored with what she has. to bad you didnt understand the value of marriage. i dont know what else to say. i get blown away by posts like this.

[OceanEyes]

Hey everyone,

 

I just had to remove about 15 posts that were completely off-topic in this thread and also in a flaming fashion. Although I can understand your frustration, it just doesn't belong in this thread. If you have other comments to make regarding infidelity and it's affect on the victims, please feel free to start your own thread or discuss through private message.

 

Thanks!

[Stari]

I have cheated. And I confessed to my girlfriend. Of course I did not want to loose her but I figured I deserved whatever would come. I have never regretted telling her. But to this day I regret hurting the one I want to hurt the least. The memory of hurting my loved one will make sure I do not cheat again ever.

 

Not surprisingly I think that you should choose honesty and tell him. What happens after that is not up to you, but is your husbands decision.

 

Wishing you strength because regardless of what road you choose to tread, there will likely be suffering along each.