i am unsure what to do with this one - please help me out

[martyj]

Hi guys,

 

I am gonna try and be as honest as possible as i need advice here. I started dating a girl 3.5 months ago i girl i have known for around 4 years. She is 21 and i am 31.

 

Anyways my previous relationship was a nightmare with my ex asking me to marry them then dumping me, then i let her back in and she'd do it agian. So i never dated anyone seriously for a lnong long time but i knew all about this girl and felt safe.

 

Anyway in those 3.5 months i have dumped her twice through my own paranoia, now i have dumped people before but this time i really didnt actually mean to i let paranoia and insecurity get the better of me for no reason and then got drunk and made the mistake.

 

The first time i was let off but i let it happen again.

 

I have tried and tried we have only been split up a week and i have seen her 4 times but still she says that it isnt happy enough for only 3 months and i am affecting her self esteem and that she knows that i am a nice person but i have issues and i drink too much.

 

Although i understand all of this i am genuine when i say that i know i would never do it again and it was some scars that i let stay there although i am over the ex and never wish to see her again.

 

Truth is i really dont have any issues with this girl and have even gone on the wagon(i previously didnt drink for 9.5months and was very happy).

 

The girl in question keeps saying she is too young for this and that we see things differently. I must admit i have contacted her too much and been quite desperate. But i asked her to meet me on Friday and she agreed and when i said i know we wouldnt get back together she was silent.

 

She also said that she would come see me on Saturday at a gig. I know i adore her and know that it will hurt and i dont think for a moment she wont hurt as she says she is hurting too but she thinks this is for the best as do her friends.

 

I have texted to say dont worry about meeting me it will be pleasant to which i got no reply in fact she has hardly replied to anything. The thing is i am thinking not to contact her at all again to let myself heal as i am taking it quite hard becos it wasnt like me to behave like that although i have.

 

I will be upset if she doesnt contact me but need advice on what to do. I know dumpers are seen as the devil and i am sure to her friends that is what i am, but this is so strange as i actually didnt want to dump her in the first place.

 

Any advice please, girls perspective most welcome.

 

MJ

[sera_michele]

You are probably confusing the hell out of her. Let time straighten things out for the both of you, and until then just go with the flow. If you chat, keep it light - unless she is taking the conversation another way.

 

I have not dated many older men, and actually usually end up dating men aroung my age or a year or two younger, so I couldn't give you much perspective on how she feels about the age difference.

[martyj]

thanks i am just in two minds about whether or not to cut contact for good as it has been me doing it all.

 

I made a big mistake but i am paying for it now and the more i say the further she falls away but if she wants and is willing to see me then that must be a positive.

 

But i need to not text or dial her number which i have been and realise that she isnt contacting me and well i should be being the older person.

[atlas]

Your previous actions were, no doubt, putting a strain on her feelings for you and when you broke it off she may have crossed that line of saying enough is enough. My guess, although completely ignorant of the whole situation is that she is not contacting you because she is either done and doesn't want you, since she knows you want her back, to think that you might get back together or she still cares and doesn't want her feeling to overrule her mind. I agree with the other post...take things slowly and if you truley are changed and she is willing (which she may not be at the moment) things will progress. I disagree with the ZERO contact when one has a desire and the other is being aloof but agrees to meet on occasion. Take this time to work through the issues you have regarding you past and keep in light contact. It may work out that she wants to come back, that you don't want to come back, etc...the future isn't yet written and her or your feeling may change.

Good luck

[Iceman26]

If she is willing to see you, then dont talk about the relationship when you see her.

 

Be true to yourself, and means being the guy that she decided to get in a relationship with, and the guy she was friends with for 4 years prior, and let her see that you are backing up your words of improvement to her with action.

 

Good luck to you.

[martyj]

thanks guys i was in two minds as i didnt want to be an emotional wreck which is all my own doing. I am scared that i will fall into the i have never done this before routine but if i do go i just want to make her laugh alot and make her see i am not a crazed lunatic who has no respect for her.

 

i hope i can stop texting and phoning and if she doesnt call me i will leave it i will leave my cellphone at home when i am working tomorrow and make sure i leave it.

[martyj]

hi guys i popped into my local pub after work tonight and she was there.

 

I ordered a soft drink and saw her as i went to the toilet, her friend saw me and pretended not to.

 

I came out the toilet and tapped her on the arm and said hi, then went to the bar. I drank my drink quite fast and decided to leave as i didnt want to make her feel uncomfortable.

 

I didnt say goodbye and she couldnt see me, it was so hard cos i have messed up so bad but didnt wanna make a scene. I am not like the person that i behaved like and didnt mean to dump her.

 

Now i am home and desperate to text but i cant as i know it wont help matters. I have managed not to text for a day so i need to leave it.

 

Have i done the right thing and will she see that i am not like that as someone who is surely would make a scene.

[Iceman26]

You did the right thing man, be proud of yourself. Keep it up.

[martyj]

thanks iceman it kills me inside cos its all my fault but do you think she will be thinking about it too?

 

i am off out tonight to see a band i went to the pub as i am off the drink but wanted to go into the atmosphere and be strong and not drink alcohol whatever happens i suppose she can see that my words me action but i just think she is listening to her friends too much!!!

[Iceman26]

You cant control her or what her friends are doing.

 

You can control what you are doing, and you are doing the right thing by not calling, being pleasant and saying hi to her, and not drinking (as that was a problem of yours).

 

You know what to do man.

[Iceman26]

I dont know what she is thinking about, I only know my opinion of what you should do to solve the problems she has been having with you.

[martyj]

thanks iceman i get the impression its truly done and she is meeting me cos she thinks i am a good person but not relationship material

 

maybe i should cancel the weekend with her or just try my hardest not to be emotional

[Iceman26]

Just be yourself and dont get to emotional. Try to be the friend you were before you guys had problems, and if things happen, then they happen, you know?

[martyj]

good advice dude am gonna do the disappearing act so i can gain control of myself and not be an emotional retard

 

Martyj

[Iceman26]

Right on man, make it happen.

[martyj]

hi guys,

 

not posted on this for a few days but a bit of an updat.

 

Met her on Friday night and she tells me that i have hurt her too much and i tell her that it wouldnt happen again which is easy to say but i know it wont especially as i have given up drinking on day 9 now and yes most day i had a drink even if it was only one so constant moodswings.

 

anyway ends in long conversation that goes nowhere and she speaks to me on Saturday and then on Sunday where she says it would be good to meet halfway and sort things out.

 

i text her on monday and said come over tonight to start and no reply so i begin to think she is playing games.

 

in a previous relationship that was bad i took the NC rule for one month and just disappeared. I have just had final contact to say that 'i am sorry for the pressure u meant alot to me but i was not myself, i think about you all the time and meant everything i said about being with you i would love 2 get the chance cos i know what u mean to me but i let things get hold of me i just want to be next to u x'

 

she has said to stop al the contact as she isnt herself just now and cant think straight and that she needs a break. This gives me two thoughts number one is that its her way of keeping me at bay or she will call whenshe has hd some space.

 

Personally i know this kind of wussy behaviour puts women off so i want to have the strength to just disappear and leave the ball in her court as since we split not a day has gone by without contact and i feel i need to break it for my own good but what if she doesnt call?