What did I do wrong

[Bizw]

Five weeks ago, my girlfriend of five years broke up with me. We were together since she was 16 and I was 18. She wanted to be able to spend all her time with her friends and not have to worry about a relationship. Intially it was more of a break and that turned into no hope of us getting back together. Shes very attractive and super outgoing so I know shes been meeting plenty of guys. Shes out almost everynight at the bar or a friends that has guys over.

 

The first week we were apart was a horrid. I begged, cried and did everything else imaginable.

 

Then I decided to start no contact. When I did this she would call 50-100 times in the matter of a few hours, until I would finally give in and answer.

Everytime I do this she calls over and over.

 

Now to last week, we hung out, went out to dinner and she slept over. The other nights she was out with her friends and she would call me several times a night and ask me what I was doing and 2 nights she ended up coming and spending the night. One night she told me that she wanted to get back together, I took this with a grain of salt but either way she said it.

 

This past weekend she turned cold again. Yesterday, I was feeling strong and decided to do no contact, she called over 100 times and I gave and picked up the phone. Then she goes on to tell me that we'll never get back together, and that we shouldnt talk anymore. Then she went out to the bar were supposedly she met someone that she found attractive.

 

So heres how things stand-

 

She seems to refuse to like me, she seems not to allow herself to get close to me. I talked to her this morning and she told me that she doesnt see us getting back together. She told me I have big heart and that I'm a good guy, and that good guys need to be with good girls.

 

My question is, Do you think she loves the challenge of a guy that she doesnt feel that she can have. It seems with me that she thinks I'm a great guy but shes not attacted to me anymore. Leaving me to think that the guys she meets at the bar are more appealing because its a challenge, where as she feels she already has me under her thumb. I don't get why she cares enough to call over and over yet she tells me that she met someone and that we're never going to be together. Any advice on how to deal with this. I would love to make it work because we share so many memories but she can be cruel at times and I don't know if I have a chance getting her back anyway. Do you think what I said about the challenge is true or do you think it's something else.

 

Thanks so much

[arwen]

Hey Bizw,

 

I don't think any other person than herself can tell you the truth. And to be quite honest, I think she already told you the truth. She wants out of the relationship because she wants to be free and have new experiences. She has been in this relationship since she was really young. I know that what I am saying is the last thing you want to hear right now, but people really change between 16 and 21.

 

You are now exes and you are hurt. I think you should narrow the question down to what you want out of the current situation. You still assume that she really likes you but doesn't want to. I can't judge whether this is true or not, but it's besides the point, I think.

 

The reality is that she doesn't want the same thing with you as you want with her. Try to think from that reality, and stay close to what you feel. If it's too much to have contact all the time, don't. No Contact really works if it hurts so much. Don't do it to make yourself a challenge for her. Do it because you need time to heal from her and to move on with your life.

 

Ilse.

[Bizw]

I dont understand how she can go from telling me she wants to get back together, and sleeping with me three nights in a week. To seeming dead set on not getting back together 4 days later. I know shes confused. But can someones feelings change that quickly. I didnt take her seriously when she asked to get back together but she must have strong feelings still if she would consider saying that.

 

I guess I'm confussed why she can still love me so much and think I'm such a great guy yet she doesnt see us ever getting back together. Maybe shes becoming attracted to someone else, otherwise how can you love someone, tell them that there great and then tell them theres no way we can ever get back together. I think she feels guilty because shes interested in someone else, yet she has feelings for me.

[RayKay]

She probably does love you, but is not IN love with nor sees a future (or present) with you right now. But it is hard for her to let go too as you have been together for so long, and more crucially through her when she went from a teen/kid to an "adult". It is very very hard to let go of that and put that in the past, even if she feels she is doing the right thing being single.

 

I know for me I changed so much in those years and sometimes felt I needed to be on my own and be single and independent and GROW. That is what she is doing. She may seem confused, and she is but she also knows she has to do this, and follow her heart to be on her own, even if she does love you and care for you a great deal.

 

It will just tear you up and be fruitless to keep analyzing it all, and as hard as this advice is....don't do it. Let her be, let her go, and heal yourself, she has already said what she feels right now and you have to take it at face value and not analyze it or second guess it. You may or may not have done anything wrong, I don't know all the details, but right now you both don't want the same things and you need to accept that. Sorry, I know it hurts

[Bizw]

Very good advice,

 

I look at the sitution like this- picture a scale the kind with two platforms

 

On one side theres me, on the other side theres all the things she feels shes gained or is going to gain by being single. The scale tips back in forth but eventually tilts in the way that she feels in her heart the stongest, which I feel is that she needs to be single for now.

 

What I mean by this poor analogy is I think shes pulled between the two choices but in the end she feels much stronger about her independance and that will prevail.

[Iceman26]

Man, dating in your early twenties sucks. Girls are usually lamer than guys at that age, once they turn 21 and start bar-hopping and getting attention from every guy in the bar/club they ride a huge ego trip into their mid twenties until they figure out that 99 percent of the guys in clubs and bars are only looking for a piece, then they decide to get serious and settle down. Of course, there are always exceptions.

 

I can sympathize with what happened to you, the same thing has happened to me a couple of times.

 

Also, most women her age love guys that treat them like crap. I dont know why. As you stated earlier, I think they love the challenge and the thrill of the hunt.

 

You need to ask yourself a couple of things:

 

1) Would you really want to be dating a bar fly anyways?

2) Would you be happy being just "sleeping buddies" with her?

 

My advice to you is simple: Don't ever call herand move on. If she calls you and wants to come over and hang out and do the deed, its up to you if you want that kind of relationship or not. I wouldn't extend any effort to making plans with her or calling her. If you do decide you want to do the sleeping buddies thing, make sure you wrap the tool, because you dont know what shes doing. I wouldnt ever bring up getting back together with her. Let her do that, and make sure she is serious if she ever says it.

 

I have always found it amusing that people use the term "I want to experience new things" and what they really mean sleeping and dating other people. Because honestly, there is nothing they couldnt "experience" in a relationship besides that.

[Double J]

No offense, but your ex sounds immature. She only calls when you initiate NC? I've dealt with girls like this in the past, and they're all about stupid little games. As hard as it may be, you have to accept the fact that the relationship is over, and she wants to meet other guys. Instead of pining over her, don't call her anymore and meet new girls yourself. Why would you want someone that is constantly frequenting bars for attention anyhow?

 

If you can, let her see you with another girl. I'm sure that will catch her attention, but even so, she just might try to get you back because you've become unattainable. But if she has you in her hands again, she'll drop you once more. A lot of girls are like this, and it's best not to get involved with them.