How to Apologize?

[under_the_pressure]

Hey...any advice anyone can give is very much appreciated.

 

It's been about 4 months since I broke up with my ex, why we broke up, I guess because he was "in love" with me and I didn't have quite as strong feelings for him. He was an amazing guy. And I hurt him so bad.

 

Tonight I was looking at my website and saw that he left me a "hello" on it, and I looked at his website and realized that he hadn't changed some things about it. It still said his intrests was his amazing girlfriend Alicia(me), he still has a link to a website that he made me with a poem he wrote. I know he has a new girlfriend, and I'm really happy for him.

 

I'm not asking for him back, I just want to apologize. But I don't want to go back into his life, with his new girlfriend, apologizing for the past, and just make things worse. I want to apologize though.

 

What do you think I should do though? Apologize, and if so, how? Or just leave it...since it's done and over with?

 

Any advice...thanks in advance.

 

under*

[Mix Maxster]

Yes!

 

How does one apologize to someone who doesn't want to hear it!

I hurt my ex so damn badly and I just can't think for the life of me of ANY WAY that she would even consider what I am saying.

 

I owe her a BIG apology, but how do I do it. How can I turn it around with my apology.

 

I don't even know what to do about it, but I did just think about buying my ex a birthday card and a present.

 

All the card would say is Merry Christmas (ex's name)! followed by have a happy and loving christmas. Love (max) and that's all

 

the gift wouldn't be anything big, but it would be enough for her to just hold on to it. I would refrain from talking about anything about me and her. I would just like her to know that just because she doesn't care about me, that I still want to take steps to earn her respect and forgiveness.

 

I figure just saying "I'm sorry" isn't good enough.

[DBL]

Don't bother...he is dating someone else now, I would let it go. If you ever ran into him one day, maybe just tell him that you are sorry for what happened...I wouldn't go out of your way. No sense butting into a relationship.

 

I figure I only owe one girl an apology and as much as I would like to apologize it would only be for my selfish reason to make me feel better. However I have to take in consideration that she may be in a relationship and I do not want to interfere with it. Besides I think what gives me the right to apologize to her. That last sentence may sound awkward, but it has been 6 years. She may like to hear it from me, but unless I run into her I will never apologize.

 

DBL

[Mix Maxster]

She may like to hear it from me, but unless I run into her I will never apologize.

 

Why though?

[DBL]

Well I treated her badly, and for me to ask forgiveness is fairly selfish. Who do I think I am going back into her life again like that?

 

I guess maybe it is hard to explain why I think it is wrong, but try to figure it out.

 

DBL

[Mix Maxster]

That it's not in your right or place to decide that for her?

[DBL]

To each their own on it. It is not like I was ever there for her that I deserve her forgiveness. I have thought about it for some time now, and then one day reading the paper I read she was in a car accident, and thought "wow, almost didn't get to apologize".

 

Never know I may have a change of heart, but if she was involved with someone, then I definitely wouldn't because that can bring problems into their relationship...which is basically what this post was about.

 

Thanks

DBL

[Mix Maxster]

So you don't deserve anything, so you don't deserve a thank you or a smile or ANYTHING from her. SO you don't deserve that, what if she deserves an apology and you're doing it not because you're hoping she'll care... but that you feel you should because you owe it to her.

[DBL]

I don't deserver anything. I'm very comfortable with that. I pay my price for what I do. If I knew 100% that it still bothered her, then most definitely I would. If I knew she was in a very stable or not a relationship at all, then I would. If she had a man, it would not be fair to him. Basically if I was him...and her x apologize I would be thinking "then you shouldn't have done this crap in the first place".

 

 

DBL

[Mix Maxster]

and that's all?

 

Basically if I was him...and her x apologize I would be thinking "then you shouldn't have done this crap in the first place".

 

SO you do nothing. Can do nothing. Or have no choice in doing nothing. you just have to live with it and live your life? Just like that?

[under_the_pressure]

Basically if I was him...and her x apologize I would be thinking "then you shouldn't have done this crap in the first place".

 

So, that's all? Like Max said...just leave it at that?

 

Hmm...

 

under*

[Mix Maxster]

You're right though DBL, we shouldn't have done it in the first place.

 

our punishment is that we lose out on happiness with them because of our own mistake. And we aren't given a chance to make it up to them even if we owe it to them, it's in a situation where we lose and there's nothing we can do about it.

 

To try and fix it makes things worse and we are in no way capable of making things better. It would only be best for us to stay out of their lives for good. Even if apologizing is due. It doesn't matter because to them they want nothing to do with us even if it's only because we hurt them.

 

That they're scared we'd hurt them again and would gladly never speak to us or see us again SIMPLY to protect themselves and make sure we don't. Even though they still loved us, they were too scared to stay in love. They were too afraid in case we hurt them again.

 

I know we shouldn't have hurt them to begin with, but don't people make mistakes? Isn't that why pencils have erasers? Isn't that why people forgive? Because we can and we know people aren't perfect? Why should she want nothing from me simply because she's too afraid to.

 

I honestly wonder and I feel that I really do owe my ex an apology and a good one at that. Even if punishment to me means denied happiness from her doesn't mean she shouldn't get what she deserves. Even if she doesn't say anything to me or forgive me as long as she gets what is owed to her.

 

That's how i look at it. I'd hate to have hurt her so much that it damages her in future relationships and she's too scared to love or go after someone else because it's better for her. I would rather say I'm sorry with the chance she won't care than gone through my life never saying I'm sorry and her hating me for it.

[striderhiryu81]

would rather say I'm sorry with the chance she won't care than gone through my life never saying I'm sorry and her hating me for it.

 

And that is precisely how I see it. For under_ and DBL. I know that you may have yoru reasons DBL but like max said, isn't it better to say "I'm sorry" and her not care, than to do nothing and have her wishing that you did? It could be that the ruins her future relationships rather than you "interfering" to apologize. I mean, If you were just to mail a letter saying "I'm sorry" what harm would that do? You wouldnt have to open the lines of communication again...just that one letter or phone call or whatever and thats it.

 

I understand though that it could be hard to do, but like you said, its been six years and you still think you might owe her an apology? In that case, I think you do.

 

Under_...you should maybe write him something on his website. Apologize. He probably hasn't updated it in a while since that other stuff is still there so maybe he'll get it a month from now or something. Or if you want to , just say that you feel he deserves an apology, that you were wrong, and that you just wanted to clear that up. Its not liek you want him back so what harm will it do?

[ebola316]

What did you do to her?

[Mix Maxster]

two things over the course of our relationship,

 

scared her into thinking i was going to kill myself and after assuring her that i would never do it again, i told her about how much i hate my life and myself and told her about how i would hurt myself.

 

And the second thing was letting her down by her believing in me only to realize it would never happen. I let her down on a personal level. She had faith in me and did everything in her power to believe it and now it's "screw you Max for me ever having faith in you"

[under_the_pressure]

Under_...you should maybe write him something on his website. Apologize. He probably hasn't updated it in a while since that other stuff is still there so maybe he'll get it a month from now or something. Or if you want to , just say that you feel he deserves an apology, that you were wrong, and that you just wanted to clear that up. Its not liek you want him back so what harm will it do?

 

He updated yesterday... Maybe he just hasn't noticed. I'm sure that's it.

 

Thanks for answering me...I've been waiting for a solid reply. Thanks, it means a lot.

 

under*

[striderhiryu81]

hmm...yeah I'm sure he didn't notice. Why would he be holding on to that when his new g/f could see it? Well, maybe you could just send an email? There are disposable email addresses available if you still want to keep your distance...they cancel after one use so there is no return address.

 

Quick question for anyone on here. I posted in the infedelity forum ...I was wondering if someone could take a look and give some advice? I'm close to making a decision, but I still need help.A couple more heads would help clear things up and I'm running out of time. I guess reading my first and last post in there would give you the full story...thanks!

 

under_... have you come up with an idea on what to do yet?

 

here is my forum topic:

link removed

[DBL]

I didn't do anything physical to her. I just said mean and disrespectful things. Treated her like she was nobody. She really didn't deserve it. She tried and tried to make things better, just didn't do it for me.

[under_the_pressure]

I think I'm just going to apologize, because if something happens to him and I never get the chance to, then I'll feel really bad. I have to do it. I shouldn't have ever done it in the first place but we all make mistakes...

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

under*

[ebola316]

That's not all that bad. I've done worse and had worse done to me. If she cares enough, she will forgive and suggest counseling or something. I wouldn't be obsessed with this need to apologize. If people care about other people they're in it for the long haul. Not just when the going is good. I don't know, it would take a lot more to scare me than what you just described, and I don't think it would scar any future relationships. Calm down, suggest counseling, and see what happens.

[ebola316]

DBL people say a lot of things when they're angry. Take last Saturday when this guy walked out on me. I told him that he was a loser, his sister was an idiot and his nieces look like 2 dollar tricks. We can't think about every little thing we did to someone in the past. I usually try to give as good as I get. I usually treat people the way they treat me. Thats what I told this last guy.

[daredevil]

And the second thing was letting her down by her believing in me only to realize it would never happen. I let her down on a personal level. She had faith in me and did everything in her power to believe it and now it's "screw you Max for me ever having faith in you"

 

Same thing here, I apoligized when I thought we were getting back together (which we weren't) and she acceptet it.. nothing else.. and can i use the apology I did to anything? No.. but still I did it ... And i'm still sorry for it, so it didn't help hehe.. but I would have done it anyway just in order to her feeling well..

[littlefeet]

hey all. . . I agree with all of you in part, but it just doesn't ever cause trouble to apologise when you know you've upset someone. DBL (not to leave the others out), I'm not talking about some over the top forgiveness letter, but maybe if you hesitate to call or see her in person, you might just want to write; no return address, unless you're open to starting contact.

 

Just find a blank card and write something like "Six years ago, I know I really hurt you, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that, and that it took so long to let you know. Sincerely, DBL"

 

Done. No angry partner/husband/new date. No "sorry but." from you. That's all you have to say and TRUST ME, it DOES make a difference.

 

All the difference in the world.