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Hi everyone,

 

Well its been like a month since my last post so I thought Id get everything off my chest about whats been happening with the ex.

 

We have been spending alot of time together past few weeks, dates out, stopping over at eachothers, going out with friends/work colleagues, not as a couple with work colleagues but people are now asking questions again about whats going on, the ex isnt bothered with that which is good. I have enjoyed it alot and she has too. We've had a couple of discussions about whats going on etc and how we both do still have reservations about getting back together because we are scared to be hurt again but the feelings between us are still very strong. We have slept together quite abit and that was a huge barrier for me as from what previous posts have said, she has been with other people, didnt bother me as I have aswell. We also talked about the people we have both been with and dates etc which was a little surreal as it really didnt bother me at all, and was nice she could talk to me about it. She does get jealous when other women talk to me and does the lil digs females do to let you know which is funny but I'm not rubbing it in her face with other women.

 

She has opened up to me eventually and apologised for talking to my friend and she wishes she just didnt say anything and when she felt time was right to talk to me, especially after he was giving me the wrong messages which did annoy her. Her biggest thing is that she thinks I am playing her to get her back for the hurt she caused me, which sucks to hear but obviously understandable why she'd think that. She has asked if I'm seeing anyone else to which I said there are people asking me out on dates and chatting to etc. She said the same but is not interested in them and its only me she does have genuine interest for which yes is easy to say but doesnt mean its the truth i know.

 

The reason I'm mailing is she has said she doesnt know where this is going to go, and to be fair since we have got together the first time we always always used to say 'lets see what happens'. So this is not a new thing but obviously with feelings already in place isnt as easy to deal with than the first time round. I have asked is it just sex she is after, to which she was quite hurt by it and then said is that all I'm after as she would stop what we're doing if it was. Obviously its not and I said I was just seeing where she stood etc as I was unsure. Our communication is so much better and its funny the comments we make about people on TV being attractive or people we see in public which used to destroy me when we were first together but I have a complete different mentality about it now and we have fun with it. You can appreciate someone elses beauty/sexyness but doesnt mean anything will happen, I never understood that before. Guess that is actually what trust is....

 

Its partly to vent this message but also to ask am I just being lined up as the fall back guy because she does get alot of attention? I initiate contact and so does she. She never cancels on arrangements and also when she's not with me she has even said she see's things and thinks of me, and still looks for things in shops and that I'd like that etc. Every other word she uses is that she loves this about me n that. She's even not been bothered when we have been out and her family member saw us and we talked to her etc.

 

It does all look good but theres just something that tells me I'm missing something, but I guess that could just be my over analyzing of things(which has got better btw, still work to be done though!)

 

Any advice input would be greatly appreciated

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Yes, you're the fallback guy.... or "boyfriend substitute." She'll continue to spend time with you -- but keep things undefined -- until she finds someone she DOES want to be with, at which point she'll cut you loose.

 

Right now, you're just holding her hand through this breakup. She hasn't had to miss you, because you're right there for her. You're putting YOUR need to heal and move on second to HER need to have you there to comfort her through this breakup..... not good.

 

If she wants you in her life, let her ask to get back together. Otherwise? No dice.

 

Just my opinion.

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I do see where you are coming from sharky, and I would agree 100% if the break was recent. Was 9 months ago so I dont think she has not had time to miss me, we have both moved on to a point and it was her that said she is drawn back to me and compares everyone to me, which they then fail. For a period of 4 months I had nothing to do with her other than work related stuff.

 

One side of me thinks I am the fall back guy but the other thinks is this not just dating someone again.......You dont know where you are going end up when you date someone, just obviously with this particular person theres history.

 

Does that make sense or am I being a idiot haha. If so whats your advice? Baring in mind she openly admits she has barriers up because of the hurt we caused eachother so obviously going to take time. But I do understand what you mean sharky

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You're being an idiot.

 

I think she's playing you. She doesn't need you to hang out and be her substitute boyfriend while she "works through her barriers." She can figure all that out on her own and let you know what she decides. Meanwhile, YOU should be moving on and dating others!

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If you all have been a part for 9 months, then she shouldn't be coming back with that "working through barriers" excuse.. You all should probably be working in a defined relationship. At this point, she shouldn't be on the fence about whether you two are back together or not.

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I went through a very similar experience. In the end we never really defined the relationship and I eventually fell hard for her. I tried I tell her but she didn't want to talk. In the end I was the guy she liked hanging out with until she met the guy she wanted to be with. Who happenee to be her favortite bartender eventually.

 

Hurt way more then I thought it would. My suggestion take it or leave it is to put all cards on the table and either get in with both feet or get out. If nothing else hangin out with someone who doesn't want a relationship from you just prevents you from meeting someone else.

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Thanks for the responses and obviously isnt nice reading but it's why i like this place. Honest opinions on a situation.

 

The 9 months and still on the fence thing with barriers I do actually understand from her side, because I have them with her too. Can I believe what she's saying, is she just playing me, do i really want to jump back into a relationship, will she hurt me again and to be honest so many more which I bet she is thinking same things. We've only started stopping at eachothers and sleeping together in the past 2 weeks. So as you can imagine early days from that point.

 

These arent issues to do with ourselves as individuals but as 'us' together, we both have grown and her mentality has changed and in a strange way I am more attracted to her because of her now than I ever was before. The more time we spend together the more they disappear as the 'trust' comes back. So I look at it from her side she could not say a word/open up at all when we first started hanging out again but now she is.....as she feels more comfortable with me, because I was a grade A d'head after the breakup and shattered every bit of trust she had in me, just as she did me.

 

I am getting close to the point of saying stuff it lets give it a go or not. I know I wont carry along like this forever but i do think its still to early for that, for me not for her. I have been dating other people and getting with other people so I know i can go back to that easily and I will be fine which either way it goes. I am currently still talking to 3 other women who I have dated so all is not on her if you know what I mean.

 

I'm not being one of those people who asks a question and when its not what they want to hear ignore your advice. I do genuinely apreciate it and will listen and bare it in mind as I move forward

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Try and whip out a relationship/communication skills book while you're with her and gauge her reaction to it. She may "feel" that you are trying to break the barrier even when you have your doubts about starting again. In my opinion, it shows your willingness and courage.

 

Then actually read the book and go in with an open mind. Remember to take every little advice with a grain of salt. Nothing is absolutely true when it comes to feelings.

 

my 2 cents.

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I know the advice is just that....advice and I do listen to it which I am thankful for everyone for offering their opinions. Something happened on saturday night, I hadnt saw her since friday morning and she contacted me to see what I was doing and was very none direct in trying to see me....I played on this a little and wound her up about it and refused to give her a answer until she asked me outright to see me, she did and when I went to see her she said she has something to tell me. I was like okkk and she said i dont know if I should tell you but I have actually missed you since I saw you yesterday morning. Was nice to hear, I didnt respond with the usual miss you too because to be fair I hadnt as it was only a day haha. But still her making herself vulnerable a little is nice to see, we had a great night and she ended up whispering(maybe by accident) that she loves me. I heard it but wanted her to say it again so asked what she said,after said i knew what she said and gone all embarressed. I didnt say it back and she asked I guess Im not ready to say it which I aint....she was ok with it but you could tell hurt a little.

 

We've spent the best part of the weekend together and last night and its been fun, everyday she is messaging me asking me to see her and seeing me at work. She's also asked about if we should go away sometime and making random plans of things to do....

 

I am starting to believe that she is just scared of being hurt.....and I'm the only one that can do it as she doesnt let/want anyone else close. I may be completely wrong but either way I will keep updating back about how things are going on.

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btw mhowe and sharky you have always been 2 people I have noticed on here who gives really good advice in particular and for both of you to say that does make me second guess and I have saw in past on here you giving similar advice which isnt listened to then the other drops the person and they are back at square one......

 

this is little worrying

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She's not "scared of being hurt." She's having a lot of fun playing at being in a pretend relationship with you.

 

She's enjoying the attention and the affection, it feels comfortable and nice. And safe. And like a good way to spend weekends while she's single and between boyfriends.

 

Enjoy the ride.... until she meets someone she wants to be in a REAL relationship with, at which point she'll suddenly start having "issues" again.

 

An ambivalent ex, who wants to hang out but leaves things undefined, is just taking advantage of your feelings so she doesn't have to face being alone. If she REALLY loves you, she'd want to be your girlfriend. Ask her what her intentions are. Don't go along with being her backup plan.

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Well I done what you said sharky and asked her outright this morning, she says the last couple weeks has been like a emotional rollercoaster, good and bad. she says she has saw the changes in me first hand and has enjoyed spending time with me again but can also see I havent changed a little,which is fair comment as I mentioned to her it does take time and the 'limbo' state doesnt really help.

 

She says she is only interested in me that way and that she is protecting herself as she thinks I'm out to hurt her for what she done to me and her head is keeping her from jumping straight back in when her heart wants to.

 

Basically she doesnt want to rush things and taking baby steps.....hmmmm confused

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Yep. I think you got your answer.

 

She's enjoying spending time with you and having you around... while she looks for her next boyfriend. When she finds him, you can expect her to give you some b.s. about how you still haven't changed enough... or she's still too afraid of being hurt.... blah blah blah.

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Yep you's are no doubt right. She asked if I want to go out somewhere for lunch at work tomorrow and I've agreed and then I will back off after that....I've not told her I'm going to back off, just said we will see what happens then and she can have as much time as she likes but I'm not waiting round for her.

 

She even mentioned today that me wanting more when she is not ready was a red flag for her haha.

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