He called and texted [Need advice]

[DiesPulchra]

Wow. I'm back. Didn't think I would be.

 

For this, you need to know that I'm [23F] and he is [21M], and we both attended the same university. I'm getting my masters in the area, and he is still at our undergrad.

 

So, if you need more background than this, just check out my previous threads here. But, I decided to cut ties with my ex. He consistently blew me off after we tried dating again, started dating another girl (truly out of spite that I was seeing someone else when he said he wanted to see other people while we figured "us" out the second time), and then failed to be welcoming at all in conversation. The final blow was I asked him for help on a project, and he never got back to me. I unfriended him on Facebook, and started my silence.

 

He texted me twice after that happened, and I ignored both of them. This was early in September. On this past Monday, he called me, and when I did not answer, he texted me. He said that he could really use my help with something. I asked some of my girlfriends, and the one said to me, "Don't answer if you don't want to. But, do you really want to be like him?" I thought about it, and I decided to make the call for two reasons:

 

1. I was curious if it was something collaborative he wanted to do that would be of a benefit to my career.

2. If it was something actually serious and he had no one else to really talk to.

 

I called, and he answered sounding happy. I just responded with, "What do you need help with?" He stumbled over his words, but he eventually arrived at how he needed help with his music thesis, and he didn't know how to make it happen. It kind of took my breath away: we have not spoken in 7 months, seen each other in maybe 8, he was non existent over chat, unwelcoming to me at all turns, probably realizes I unfriended him, and he asked this? I told him, "I'm sorry, but no." He seemed absolutely floored, and I explained that if it were something music making related, I would have considered it. But, I'm not about to write your paper or help you with that - I don't have time to deal with this. He said he called because I had taken the class, and he had found it harder than anticipated. I said, "Don't you have immediate friends that can help you with this? And, it is not that hard. It's just a longer paper. At least I didn't find it that hard. It was just a long process." He replied with yeah and that no was a totally acceptable answer. Then he just touted about how busy he had been and had so much on his plate. Cue a very awkward silence. I willed myself to not ask what he was busy with, or ask anything of him. I went to say "bye" but he said "Well, have a good day.

 

ENA, you have been really helpful in the past, and I turn to you now. I know that I violated NC by calling him, but did I handle this alright? Should I be more explicit with him? I just don't understand why he did this. The kid is smart, and knows his stuff to write a proper thesis...Was this just an excuse to hear my voice? Or, was it a lame attempt to get in contact with me?

 

Thank you in advance.

[Edmund Exley]

No one knows what his real reason for contacting you was, but its foolish to think it was anything more than he wanted someone to help him with his paper. That was the gist of the entire conversation, and when you said no the conversation ended.

 

Carry on carrying on.

[sharky988]

I agree with Edmund that unless he tells you otherwise, you have to assume his purpose in calling was to get help with the paper.

 

I don't see how you could have handled it better -- other than flat-out ignoring him, which is really hard to do.

 

IF he has something else to say to you, he'll find a way to say it. But it's not your job to try and read between the lines and decipher his hidden meanings.... it's your job to look after YOU and YOUR life and keep moving on!

[SooSad33]

I agree with Sharky and Edmund... You did well handling that call. I Know how hard it is to 'hold back', when it's them.

I had to be the same way when Ex called me a week ago about the van.

I answered and immedietly asked him " are you calling about the van?".. which kinda over took him by surprise ( because I heard him begin the convo with 'how was your wknd?")- meanwhile like HE ever tells me anything about him.. pfft w/e!

Anyways.. I didnt let the convo spill into any other topics really, just got to the point and made things short.

 

Hard to tell what or if he had other intentions... guess you'll see in time. Best thing is to cause NO trouble and respect each other.

 

good luck

[DiesPulchra]

I would like to thank you all for your advice. But, I find myself feeling sad that this even happened. It sucks to even think it was just help for a silly paper. Has our relationship really been boiled down to one of utility? It makes me extremely sad when I think about it. I suppose I'll just have to deal with that.

[rmoheban]

I don’t think it matters why he got in touch with you –It is possible that he missed you and wanted to reconnect --but the focus needs to be YOU. What have you learned from this relationship? How do you want to be treated in your next relationship? It doesn’t sound like he is mature or available enough at this time in his life to be in the relationship you need and you sound like you have a lot to give….I would consider moving on as you don’t deserve to be treated poorly and be blown off from someone who doesn’t’ sound available.