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Nothing to fear but fear itself


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The basic issue is, I do not feel happy, accomplished, content, or really anything positive about where I'm at in life or about myself in general.

I am turning 23 pretty soon and feel that I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I do still live with my parents, which I don't necessarily think is a horrible thing and that isn't really the issue here because I know eventually I will find a way to make it on my own. Its finding the way that is the issue.


Basically I have never really had a job before. I have been in school at the community college though, but I did not get off to a good start. Beginning in elementary school and continuing throughout all four years of high school I struggled severely with anorexia and bulimia. I ended up missing months of school at a time. I was fortunate enough to attend a residential treatment program which I believe saved my life, but after the program ended I was a lot healthier physically, emotionally there was still a long road ahead. So naturally, I did not receive very good grades during my first 2 years in community college. I was still in a very dark place emotionally at the time, I did not care about myself or school, I got into an abusive relationship with a man 12 years older than me, and I was not on a path to success.


So here we are present day. The last year and a half almost two years have been MUCH better than 2+ years ago, but I still feel like things are not yet where they need to be. In early 2012 I met a guy and fell harder than you would even believe. And our relationship was great for the short time it lasted. Well he played a very, very important role in my life. As I mentioned, it was during this time that I had zero direction in life and no idea of what I wanted to do. Well with him being in the medical field and all his family in the medical field, I decided to pursue that route as well.


So, I decided the next semester at school I would begin the prereqs transferring to get my bachelors in nursing. In the meantime, I took a phlebotomy certification course, did an externship at our local hospital, and I really honestly enjoyed taking peoples blood. It made me feel like I was capable of doing something important and responsible for the first time in my life. Well unfortunately I have been unable to find a job doing this partially due to living in a very small town with really only two places that have labs, as well as of course my lack of job experience.


Regardless I have continued to complete my prereqs and have passed all of them with A's and B's. I will be done in May and right now I am working on filling out applications for a few different universities to attend for the Fall 2014 semester. However, my cumulative GPA is only 3.1 because of all my failing grades the first two years I was in school. For the last year and a half since I started the nursing prereqs my GPA is a 3.8, but overall its 3.1 and it just kills me to know that this will probably hurt my chances of getting into universities. I don't know if anyone is going to look past my past and see that I made dramatic improvements to my grades almost over night. I just pray that I can still have that chance to go get a bachelors degree and be successful and have a career doing something in medical where I can make a good living and be able to provide for a future family.


I dont know if I am delusional or if I am realistic, I just feel like my past with the eating disorder and the emotional problems I had are going to haunt me forever and prevent me from being successful and doing well in life. I feel like being sick ruined my life. I feel like I should already be done with school and have a career or at least be close. I feel like I am not good enough and almost like a loser I guess. Like a deadbeat. I feel like I made so many bad choices before that it has done permanent damage to my life. I went to my school today to ask a question regarding my college applications, and the counselor basically told me that my GPA is not high enough and to not even bother applying for a bachelors program. This crushed me to the very core. Obviously I know that it is a competative world out there but the other counselor who I usually see always tells me that I am in the range for acceptance and that schools will see that I made a complete transformation in my grades. So now I do not even know what to think. I won't know if I get accepted anywhere until February anyways so I am trying not to stress but its killing me.


On a positive note I am starting a collegiate volunteer program at the hospital in two weeks which I think will be good for me and hopefully help with this depression I have been going through for the last couple months. I think fear has been the one consistent thing in my life that has held me back. Fear of not being in control, fear of failure, fear of trying because of the possibility of failure, fear of success even, fear of growing up. Its fear that has kept me from trying harder to find a job. They say "you create what you fear" and I think I have definitely done that in my life. And even though now I am finally taking steps to be the type of person I want to be, I am still fearful. I am honestly terrified of getting into a nursing program and having to go make it out there in the world by myself, and I am also terrified of not getting into any programs and having to figure out my next step. No matter what the future holds, I am afraid of it.


My whole outlook on my future can sometimes look so bright, and then other times it looks so grim. On one hand I recognize that I have come a long way and that I have really begun to finally make good choices and I care about my life now, but on the other hand I can't seem to let go of that idea that the past could have been any different. I know I cannot change the past and I can only do well in the future, but sometimes I really just think that I will never be the person I want to be, or accomplish what I want to accomplish. Again, that is what I fear. And I don't want to create what I fear, but I can't stop feeling this way. I just mainly want to wake up at 40 or whatever age and I want to feel like I made good choices, and I don't want to have any major regrets. I want to feel that I did the best I could do with what I had.

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