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How do I stop being so guarded about my feelings?


Cognitive_Canine

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I feign indifference a lot in my life. I learned at a young age to not get attached to anyone or anything. In my family, that's only leverage to be used against you. So, I got into this weird place where I just sort of became numb. I stopped caring about the bad things which had the unfortunate side effect of making me numb to good things as well. It took years for me to start letting myself feel again. To this day I have a hard time getting hyped about anything because my childhood was full of so much disappointment. If I'm going on vacation, I really won't look forward to it until I've reached my destination and can allow myself to realize 'it actually happened'. It's something I'm still working on.

 

I think this affects my relationships a lot. I am not a fan of PDA at all because I find being attached to someone slightly pathetic and desperate. I loathe when people are lovey dovey online. I know this is wrong and unhealthy. But, I can't shake the feeling that if I reach out and make myself vulnerable in that way, I'll embarrass myself. I am genuinely afraid of what will happen if I show affection and it isn't reciprocated.

 

The guy I am seeing now is very affectionate. He always wants to hold my hand in public, send my cute emoticons in texts, give me nicknames, and such. He even told me that when we first started messaging each other, he thought to himself "lol, what is wrong with this girl? She doesn't use any cute language or flirty stuff in her messages" and that he'd never encountered that before. I've worked on it but I still feel a bit fake when working those things into my messages.

 

But, I am really into him. People I've talked to about him have straight up asked "are you into him or not?" because I talk about him like I really care and don't care at all, sometimes at the same time. And, it's true. I'm embarrassed by how much I like him because I worry he doesn't like me as much as I like him. So, I feel like I have to pull away to make him think I like him less than I do. But that's probably hurtful and unfair...I feel like whoever cares the most loses. Which is terrible.

 

Yesterday I sent him a text of "I'm really excited to see you =3. tbh, I think about you a lot". He didn't reply for 3 hours and it made me feel really crappy and regret sending it. He eventually did reply that I was a sweetie and he couldn't wait to see me either. But, I felt really bad right after sending it. Shouldn't I feel great about getting that off my chest?

 

It sounds like an insecurity thing but I wouldn't describe myself as an insecure person. So, I don't know. Any advice? Can anyone relate? I promise I'm not an ice queen but maybe I am.

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This is my personal opinion. I think you do not have a problem at all, and that you are over-thinking things and you should just stop worrying, and do what is natural to you. I think it is better to be like YOU than to be the opposite way. I mean, it's good to express yourself every now and again and say something cute when it fits the mood and when you're comfortable enough in the relationship, but to be lovey dovey and playful too easily and early on isn't a good thing. You come accross more mysterious when being guarded, and when you get into a relationship gradually your guard WILL come down if you are in an honest and loving relationship, but it doesn't happen over night.

 

If you do say something affectionate and it's not reciprocated then he doesn't DESERVE it and he can get lost

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It's wonderful that you sent that text. The discomfort you felt afterward is natural for someone willing to stretch beyond a scope that's become too small.

 

Flexibility is the cure for brittleness.

 

You've met someone who inspires you enough to want to stretch. Maybe this guy is worth some minor discomfort?

 

Intimacy is vulnerability. The less perfectionistic you can grow to be, the more you will grow--and the more fun you will learn how to have.

 

Humor, curiosity and joy do not come naturally to people who've needed to squelch aspects of themselves to survive. At some point it may occur to you that you deserve more than rock bottom survival without rocking any boats.

 

Risking discomfort to attempt humor, curiosity and joy is a worthy risk. Nobody else has you under a microscope--that judge and jury is in your own mind.

 

Break some rules.

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This is the right time you break out of your shell and fears..

Love exposed you to a vulnerable position and sometimes can be so painful and yet magical === but above anything , it's all worth it

So take that chance , and take the risk, there's nothing to lose but more to gain .

Worst case in falling in love is to be broken into pieces by that same person whom you made part of your life but then again the lessons that you'll get from the experience will be so much worth it ---open your hearts that's the only way for you to experience this life in its full glory.

I understand that this isn't what you're used to , people change and that feeling of discomfort will soon fades away once you get the hang of doing it

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