Final Healing/limbo Stage ?

[Kay Anthony]

It has been three weeks since I talked to my ex, but it feels like forever. A week ago I was accepting that my ex does not want to be with me and he has shown me this by dating someone new. He has not contacted me in a little over a week but I did not reciprocate. I must admit I wish he would contact me because it gives me the upper hand because I don't respond to him and I know it messes with his ego. But in the last two days I find myself thinking about him a lot, I am beginning to miss him now. I am praying that I don't break NC today, I want to heal 100% before I am in any kind of communication with him.

 

Am I in the final healing stage?...how do I move pass this?

[mhowe]

No --- you are not in the final stages of healing if you are thinking about him a lot, missing him and thinking of breaking NC.

 

You will know when you are in the final stages of healing --- because you won't be thinking about your ex at all.

[Kay Anthony]

Some days I am good and don't think about him, these are the days when I think I am done with him. I would even tell friends and family I'm done with him even though I know deep down I miss him and still have love for him.

 

Even though I still think about my ex and still love him, I feel like I am ready to move on. But at the same time I still have stuck in my head that my ex is the only man who can love me, touch me, and make me happy. I know this may not make sense but that's how confusing it is for me sometimes.

[Edmund Exley]

Some days I am good and don't think about him, these are the days when I think I am done with him. I would even tell friends and family I'm done with him even though I know deep down I miss him and still have love for him.

 

Even though I still think about my ex and still love him, I feel like I am ready to move on. But at the same time I still have stuck in my head that my ex is the only man who can love me, touch me, and make me happy. I know this may not make sense but that's how confusing it is for me sometimes.

 

First step. You need to affirm to yourself that he is NOT the only man who can love me, touch me, and make me happy. Because he isn't.

[sonicfan287]

Feeling one thing and acting another way isn't nessecarily being towards the end of healing. Maybe it's a step in the right direction (and I say 'maybe' because everybody heals in their own way, at their own pace) but just because you can put on a happy face and forget him for moments and then still have thoughts of him doesn't mean you're over it. I went NC with my ex for an excruciating 4 months last year after being with her for 2 years. As I got past the one month mark, I started thinking of petty reasons to contact her and wonder what she'd say. I'm the analytical type, so to me, it was almost more interesting to play that "guessing game" then to attempt contact and get a dissapointing answer.

 

That said, even when I THOUGHT I was over it, I was only deluding myself. It's now over a year and a half since I've seen my ex and only now can I say I'm closer to healing. The fact that I still wonder about her sometimes makes me think I'm not quite there, but at 4 months out, I was DEFINITELY not there. I did contact her after that point (not to get back together, but just in general) and things did not go well. In retrospect, I felt like I was in total control and over my emotions but I was only fooling myself. Ultimately, only you know how you feel at a certain time about a certain person, and you seem to be in touch with your emotions very well, so you know the answer to the question deep inside.

[endy]

You're going through the cycles of abandonment which is like the grieving cycle but it's circular. It's summed up and explained in great detail in a book. I think it's called The journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. So people do heal in their own way, some never do... but the cycle is pretty general. It's common to miss them one minute and hate them the next at this point. So you are in no way shape or form close to healing.

[Kay Anthony]

First step. You need to affirm to yourself that he is NOT the only man who can love me, touch me, and make me happy. Because he isn't.

 

I have tried to talk to guys who was interested in and I was kinda interested in them; but conversation will go good until he put his hands on my shoulder or hold my hands or some other respectful form of physical contact and I find myself pulling away from them. I begin to get the same loving feeling I use to get when I was with my ex, it makes me miss him, he was the only man who touched me sexually in the last three years.

 

I want to let my walls down but it's hard. I don't know if deep down I am waiting for my ex to come back to me after all this pain he put me through.

[mhowe]

Well...then you are clearly not over your ex if you are waiting for him to come back.

I have tried to talk to guys who was interested in and I was kinda interested in them; but conversation will go good until he put his hands on my shoulder or hold my hands or some other respectful form of physical contact and I find myself pulling away from them. I begin to get the same loving feeling I use to get when I was with my ex, it makes me miss him, he was the only man who touched me sexually in the last three years.

 

I want to let my walls down but it's hard. I don't know if deep down I am waiting for my ex to come back to me after all this pain he put me through.

[catfeeder]

I have tried to talk to guys who was interested in and I was kinda interested in them; but conversation will go good until he put his hands on my shoulder or hold my hands or some other respectful form of physical contact and I find myself pulling away from them.

 

It's only been 3 weeks--you're not ready to start dating anyone new yet. People commonly take months to get over someone, and in cases of long relationships, it can take a year or more.

 

I raise this because if you try to mess with other guys right now, it can do something to your head. It doesn't feel good to use other people, and it's not fair to them when you're not over an ex.

 

Read up on grief and allow yourself to go through it. Don't try to stuff it, that makes things worse--it comes out sideways.

 

Head high.

[t1lersm0m1]

You're going through the cycles of abandonment which is like the grieving cycle but it's circular. It's summed up and explained in great detail in a book. I think it's called The journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. So people do heal in their own way, some never do... but the cycle is pretty general. It's common to miss them one minute and hate them the next at this point. So you are in no way shape or form close to healing.

 

I just started reading this book! When I realized I have issues with abandonment. Very enlightening. I recommend it if anyone fears they have abandonment issues.

[t1lersm0m1]

I have tried to talk to guys who was interested in and I was kinda interested in them; but conversation will go good until he put his hands on my shoulder or hold my hands or some other respectful form of physical contact and I find myself pulling away from them. I begin to get the same loving feeling I use to get when I was with my ex, it makes me miss him, he was the only man who touched me sexually in the last three years.

 

I want to let my walls down but it's hard. I don't know if deep down I am waiting for my ex to come back to me after all this pain he put me through.

 

You're really not ready to date, you're not over the ex. If another guy's touch makes you think of him, you need more time alone, to heal. There is no set time on healing, it is different for everyone. And there's NO WAY to force it, I wish there was.

 

There's things I know with my head, but I can't force my emotions to know them.

 

You'll know when you're in the final stage. You're not there yet though, unfortunately.

[Kay Anthony]

Well...then you are clearly not over your ex if you are waiting for him to come back.

 

I am not waiting for him but some days when my emotions gets the best of me It's like a part of me think he's coming back. I just get so lonely and depress sometimes and believe within myself he's going to realize he made a mistake. But I want to have the strength to reject him when and if he return.

[mhowe]

He isn't going to "come to his senses" and realize that --- sorry to say.

 

So --- when your emotions get the best of you, remember how he has treated you.

But --- when someone else shows you attention, and you can only think "if this was only my ex"....you are not healed yet.

 

Some of it is time.

Some of it is giving up that "hope".

[Kay Anthony]

You're really not ready to date, you're not over the ex. If another guy's touch makes you think of him, you need more time alone, to heal. There is no set time on healing, it is different for everyone. And there's NO WAY to force it, I wish there was.

 

There's things I know with my head, but I can't force my emotions to know them.

 

You'll know when you're in the final stage. You're not there yet though, unfortunately.

 

My ex and I had broken up 2 years ago but we started messing around for the last year, we were not back together. I found out he started dating someone, I confronted him and told him if he wants to go that road we are done because he know I still love him and he did not chose me. He said he's not done with us but yet he wants to date other people. He told me he still care for me and he's not 100% over me. But he has moved on, I went NC with him and he message me on three separate days saying "good morning" or "good night" but I did not reply. I don't know why he would contact me if I told him we can't be friends anymore and he know I still love him but he choose someone else.

 

He did admit that the first relationship he went in after our break up was to quick because he was not over me. He did start dating 5 months after our 2year relationship.

[Kay Anthony]

There's things I know with my head, but I can't force my emotions to know them.

 

This is so true, I know there are things about my ex that I hate including how he play with my emotions, but yet my emotions have me wanting more of him. I need to learn how to control my emotions.

[endy]

I just started reading this book! When I realized I have issues with abandonment. Very enlightening. I recommend it if anyone fears they have abandonment issues.

 

 

Once you finish it you'll probably realize that damn near everyone has at least a slight abandonment issue. One of my goals after my last breakup was finding someone that can acknowledge and own their issue and grow like I did/do or be able to work on them together.

[Kay Anthony]

Once you finish it you'll probably realize that damn near everyone has at least a slight abandonment issue. One of my goals after my last breakup was finding someone that can acknowledge and own their issue and grow like I did/do or be able to work on them together.

 

For me I am not sure if it's abandonment, maybe I need to read up on this. I could be in denial.

[t1lersm0m1]

This is so true, I know there are things about my ex that I hate including how he play with my emotions, but yet my emotions have me wanting more of him. I need to learn how to control my emotions.

 

The only thing that helps is time. A positive attitude helps. But no matter how positive, you still need time. He's keeping in touch in case his new flame doesn't work out, then he can have you to fall back on. DO NOT let him do that. Keep in no contact, and like you are doing now, do not reply to him.

 

endy, good attitude to have. I should have realized with my ex, he needed to learn and grow. When I tried helping him, he got angry. That was a red flag, not to mention all of the other ones.

[Kay Anthony]

I think my ex was try to leave the door open so it would be easy for him to return. But I am not going to let him use me. He want us to be friends and he know how friendship is for us. He know his relationship is not going to last, this relationship is one he have to grow into because this was a set up relationship. He is not use to going out and find his woman, I don't think he have the confidence to do so. He is at the age where he should know what he wants, he will be 40 in a few years and it looks like at 40 he will still be searching.

[t1lersm0m1]

My ex and I broke up in June for six weeks. He wanted to "keep the door open." Keeping the door open did not involve him dating someone else. (FYI, we are broken up again, this time probably for good).