when does it get easier? :(

[lovelostlady]

I hope you guys don't mind me rambling. I can't sleep and I am very lonely. if anyone has any comments or wants to share their experiences that would be great.

 

it's been three (very very long) weeks since my breakup. things have gotten a little better, but not by too much. I am able to go through the motions of daily life, I'm a tad bit more chipper on the outside when at work and school. but when I'm up alone all by myself at night, I feel like i want to die. having been alone for three weeks (five, if you count the "break"), I have had a lot of time to think about things. to really THINK. and I've come to the conclusion that I can be okay without him (that is progress!) but I would be really great with him. in the beginning I kept telling myself that it may just be dependency, and that taking away this person whom I depended on was killing me. but I now know that is not true. I truly love him. I love the person he is, I love the person I was with him, and I love all the amazing times we shared. it isn't that I think I'll never be able to get another boyfriend. I know I could. but they won't be him. he is truly a unique person. ive dated other boys and known many others but no one comes even close to him.

 

yes, I've gone through my anger phases. a few days ago I got so angry. I thought, I don't deserve this. I was great to him. a little needy and oversensitive at times, but I was really really good to him and I always was loving and sincere. I also thought, eff being friends. he doesnt deserve to have me as a friend! and then I had this whole speech prepared that I considered saying to him. but even thinking about his possible reaction to me saying those things, the hurt that I would see on his face, I couldn't possibly ever do it. it would give me no satisfaction whatsoever. in reality, I am not mad at him. I keep thinking about this time shortly before the "break", when we were on his bed and he broke down and said "ive never been in a relationship this long, i dont know what to do... i dont know what else i can give you...". the look on his face, he was so troubled, confused, and scared. why do some people get so scared in relationships? they shouldnt be scary. especially when they're good like ours was.

 

the interactions between he and I have improved. we are no longer scared to make eye contact at work. in fact, the other day working it was like nothing had changed at all. we were both laughing so hard our stomachs were hurting (his sense of humor is what I love the most about him, he always can make me laugh, its hard to be mad when he's making me laugh so much). not that I'm reading into things, but whenever I walk to the backroom in work and he's back there, he always makes a point to say something to me or do something funny. like he'll flick water at me or threaten to spray me, or tease me about something. once i didnt laugh at something he said and he goes "gosh, you hate me, dont you?" and i got a cut and he acted all concerned and asked if i was ok. its nice to know that we can still be friendly towards eachother. tonight I came in to get a drink and study. I said hi and bye to him, but that was about it. I acted like I wasn't so concerned that he was even there (even though inside I may have been). not rude or anything, just not really concerned with him. it felt good to be able to do that. my friend (a friend of his also) says that she thinks he's noticing my strength.

 

to summarize: I am still deeply deeply in love with this boy. I still want him back with every fiber of my soul. I think our relationship was cut short. even if we do get back together, I think me being on my own right now is good for me. I was becoming a little too dependent on him, too needy. I wish I could tell him that I realize that now. I fear it may have pushed him away. anyways, I want him back but I'm not going to scheme and use manipulation to do that. I want him to come back because he wants to and because he realizes he made a mistake, not because of pity or guilt. but for now I have to live my life as if it isnt going to happen. it's like Lloyd Dobler said in the movie Say Anything (which is a great breakup to makeup movie, and just a great movie in general) "If you start out depressed, everythings kind of a pleasant surprise." well i wont make it a point to be depressed, but I think you know what I mean...

 

but for this moment in time, I feel ridiculously alone in the world.

[atigdng]

It sounds like he liked and likes you so much that he wouldn't be able to help you anymore, maybe you should just let him know that you still like him. (at least as friends) I don't really understand it all real well it sounds like he is making a mistake, maybe you could help him realize that.

Sorry not that good at giving advice.

[Kaspa]

For starters what's this guys name and backround? just curious, helps you know a person, and how come you guys broke up in the first place? You sound like you had great times but you didn't list any exact problem, so what happened?

[kalshane]

You said it well, Things are cool out in the world, but when I get home, I'm all alone and it's HORRIBLE!! Plus it's hella cold, cause my heater won't work.... AAARRRGGGHHH! It's like I'm trying to kick a crack addiction or sumpthin' ,yeesh.

[lovelostlady]

kespa: you're asking for it! ha. well here is our entire history which i posted someplace else, when I was suspected "commitment issues". it is long. and his name is James by the way.

 

about three years ago, a friend of mine set me up with a friend of her boyfriends cause she thought we would hit it off. we met once, i was smitten, he seemed to be too. after our meeting he said we should just remain friends. I didnt want to just be his friend and was upset, I agreed though. but eventually after a couple of weeks we ended up going out on dates. we really started to like eachother a lot. he wasnt like other boys id known. he was pretty much exactly what I looked for in a boy. after about a month and a half, things were going very well. I suspected this may become my first long relationship. he was very into me as well. then one day I got a phone call from him. he said "this relationship isnt working", his only reasoning being "Im weird...or something". nothing at all had happened leading up to that when i emailed him for further explanation, he said he couldnt really explain it. I was pretty shocked and upset. (btw, to this day he never really explained that. he said that it was a terrible mistake and that he cried for days over it. but I do know that at the time his dad was having heart problems and he thought that he might die)

 

 

eventually we became friends again. we hung out a bit. I still was really into him, but let it go. I would rather have him as a friend rather than nothing at all. we shared so many of the same interests. our personalities complimented eachother rather well. I had never met anyone I was so compatible with, even just as a friend. we both dated other people for a bit. neither of our relationships worked out. and we became closer and closer.

 

 

eventually he pursued me again. this time our connection and friendship was so strong. still i had just gotten out of short-lived relationship and told him to give me some time so he did. it had been a year since we'd last dated. I still adored the boy. innocent dating became a full-fledged long-term relationship with time. a year and six months to be exact. our relationship was just amazing. we are both sweet, respectful and sensitive people, so we never had a lot of problems. sometimes my insecurities caused little arguments but never anything big. we were both always quick to apologize and very open with everything. we spent a lot of time together but gave eachother space and friend-time. he was so loving and thoughtful. he was constantly telling me how beautiful i was, how much he loved me, how lucky he was. and i could always tell he was sincere. everyone was so jealous of our relationship. while we both are quite young (im 20, he's 21) it just seemed like the forever kind of relationship. however, i was always careful to say anything related to marriage (i wouldnt want to get married so young anyways) because he would always act weird.

 

 

a couple of months ago my sister got married. so he went along with me to the rehearsal dinner and wedding, met a lot of my family, spent a bit of time with them. he was very nervous and overwhelmed by all this, but we'd been together for so long that it was inevitable. everyone at the wedding kept saying "are you guys next?" and i just laughed and brushed it off, like "not yet".

 

 

since school started in late august, we have become settled in this little routine. things have been a little boring. but thats just because we both have been very busy with school and work that when we are together we are too tired to do much so we just sit around and watch tv late. we still tried to fit in fun whenever we could. about a month ago, we're having a boring night after work. we cant find anything to do, we're both a little grumpy. out of nowhere he says "how do you feel about this relationship?", i said "good" except i wish we got to see eachother more, but i understood we were both so busy. he says he has been feeling guilty, feeling like he didnt know what else to give me, feeling "burned out" and "dried up". i told him he didnt have to give me anything. if he gave me his love, that was enough, anything else we could work out. so after a long talk and many tears, we (he) decided that we were going to take a break. i was upset, but if it would make him feel better than i would do it. he assured me that he didnt want to lose our relationship and thats why he was doing this. the day after our "break" he called me and asked how i was. i lied and said "ok". i wasnt ok. neither was he. he was quite upset. he said that he didnt want to hurt me, that he wished he could understand all of the things that went on in his head, that he didnt want me to hate him. i comforted him, told him it would all be ok, that i understood sometimes couples have to take time away from eachother. he was crying, he was so upset. and he rarely cries.

 

so the little "break" didnt work out too well. we worked together. so we had to see eachother. and when we did, it wasnt good. i would get very emotional and upset. i tried to be good about it, but when i see him everyday at work, but know that i cant go over to his house after no matter how much i want to, it hurts. what can i say? so last monday night at work, it was the same thing. I was upset, and i was pmsing, so i was especially emotional. i missed him. i was tired of the break. as i was leaving work, he walked me out. i said i was sorry for acting how i was, and that i just missed him so much. he hugged me, i said i loved him, he said he loved me. but he was different. he seemed so cold and distant. i ignored it though, and went home and went to bed and told myself everything would be fine.

 

 

so later that night i get a phone call. its him. he seems very upset. i get upset. so he just says hes going to come over and talk to me. so he did. he prefaced it all with "you know you're my best friend, my only friend these days really" i said to him "look at me, i know you cant look at me and tell me you dont love me", he said "you're right, i would never try to do that". then he got really emotional. he was bawling hysterically, he could hardly talk. and once again, he is not a big crier. he was very upset. he said he couldnt do it anymore, that he couldn't give anymore. he kept saying that. that he had no more to give. i pleaded and said "i know you have more to give! you just dont know it". he kept saying "no!" he held me, cried, said that im the last person on earth he'd want to hurt, that he loved me, that his feelings for me havent changed, that he doesnt want me to hate him. i said "god, i wish you could love me the way i love you", this made him very upset and he said "no! that isnt true! dont say that or think that". he said he couldnt give 100% like me because he wasnt the wonderful, sweet person that I was (which is not true!). then he said that he wasnt erasing me from his life, that we'd still be best of friends and that we'd still see eachother. he called me when he got home and we talked a little more about it. then he said i could talk to him the next day. i woke up, feeling awful and i just drove over his house (probably not the best idea) and just sat there and cried. he didnt say much. he just sorta sat there. he told me it would all be ok. then we worked together that night. we acted normal for awhile. then i got upset again, he came up to me and asked "Are you ok". unbelievable. "no im not." he said, we'll talk about this later, nows not a good time.

 

 

i know hes a sweet person, i know he loves me, and i know he is experiencing intense guilt that he doesnt know how to deal with. none of this makes any sense to me, because everything was fine. he never mentioned any issues he had with me. I never asked anything of him. I did everything to keep us happy. I put so much of myself into this relationship. he did too, until the end, when he seems to have just fallen apart and given up for reasons that make no sense to me. and I KNOW he still loves me. I know when he looks at me, there is still that love there. and I highly highly doubt this has anything to do with another girl. i would be utterly shocked if that were the case. i think it is all in his head.

 

just a little background. my parents are like the most wonderul people on earth. theyve been together for almost 35 years and have a loving relationship. I have never had any issues at all with being in a relationship. his parents are still together. but he has never been very close to his mom. while i like her, she has always seemed a bit cold in general. he doesnt seem to feel any connection to her. and right now one of the main issues in his life is the fact the she is in another state, taking care of her sick mother. she has been gone for a couple of months and he doesnt know if shes ever coming back. he has always felt like he needed to take care of his father, especially now that she is gone. i think maybe he has been feeling stress like he has to take care of his dad and me (although i dont ask anything of him!).

[Kaspa]

A long and touching story, and i read every word of it just in case your wondering, lol. Hmm that is strange, i highly doubt its about another girl too, in fact i woudlnt even consider it a factor. Pherpas what could have been part of the problem, is with his dad having heart problems and his mother gone taking care of her mother and how he takes care of his dad, and how you are one of his only real friends, perhaps he feels that all the people in his life that he loves and love him seem to be disapering or becoming distant, and if he feels out of love to give you but is yet very broken up about it and wants to remain friends, its because he does a have a problem where he feels he will not have enough of him self to give you and he does not want to lose you in a negative way. He alredy takes care of his dad so dearly because he wants to hold onto him and doesn't want him to go any where, so for him to lose you in any awkward way where you don't talk or in a negative way, where you never see eachother again, it would be too much for him. He does love you and does need you, but because of the emotional stress in his life for some reaosn he feels he wont be enough for oyu, so he fears the relationship wont last. So instead of risking losing the relationship and you as a friend, he is trying to break it off nicely because he still wants to be with you, if nothing else then a friend at least. And he gets very broken up about it because its hard for him to do because he DOES love you and he couldn't imagine to lose you as a perosn in his life. Now I don't know you guys so I can't tell how accurate I am here, but from the sounds of things, that coudl very well be the case. He obviously has an actual mental problem right now, due to the emotional stress he is currently experiencing. It's quit a paradox, it's almost as tho he's broken it off with you because he DOESN'T want to lose you, rather then most woudl try and stick together in that case. Tell me what you think of this or if i make any sense to you.

[sonjam]

Such a sad, sad story. Lovelostlady, I wish I could give you answers to all the questions, but sometimes, things are just not that easy! Initially I thought, well this guy loves her, he's feeling guilty about leaving her, but something is "forcing" him into this, so I thought there must be somoene else.

 

But now Im not so sure. I wish sometimes, we could see inside our loved one's mind, just a little window, and just for a little while, just to find out exactly what is going on in there, and then plan our lives better.

 

YOU have to be strong. Stop the crying and breaking down. I know it is hard, but it is not good. But you already know this, dont you!

 

If you are a pillar of strength (go cry in the bathroom if you have to), and look calm and composed, you will be far more attractive to him, and if it is really the case that he can't cope with looking after his dad AND you, well then you will show him that you are perfectly capable of looking after yourself, and in fact, he could actually lean on you for support, as you have strenth to give!

 

But for now, give the guy space to sort out his feelings, and problems, withdraw, since you work together, NC is impossible, but stop the emotional outbursts.

 

I hope you feel better soon!

[lovelostlady]

thank you so much for your replies. I agree with what a lot of you are saying. it really is a difficult situation and I still don't entirely understand it. im not even sure he does. in fact during the breakup I recall him saying "I'm sorry. i wish i could explain all of the things going on in my head to you". to me, if you can't put it into words, then you probably shouldn't do it. but then I also believe that love is enough. some people are just different I suppose. not everyone thinks like me.

 

today I was talking to a friend of mine. this girl has never been in a relationship before, but still her comments got to me. she asked how things were and if I had talked to him. I told her that we have had no discussion about the breakup or anything, but eventually down the road I'd like to since I don't entirely understand it. and she said "well if it's far into the future, won't it be a moot point?" I hope that isn't the case. but the fact of the matter is that if I tried to talk to him about it now, it would push him away. it would mean I was pressuring him. I know how he is, and the one time I made any sort of a comment about the breakup a week ago he looked like he was dying to get away so I let it go. he just isn't ready. does everyone agree that there's nothing I can say or do at this point to make him change his mind?

[lovelostlady]

anyone on here right now? uggh, i think im ok all day and then night comes and I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I miss him so much. it hurts so intensely. i wonder if he's ever thinking of me. even if he did he wouldn't call. he has insane self-control. I just watched that movie Love Actually, toootally cheesey I know. those perfect hollywood endings. it just made me really down. I thought they were supposed to uplift me?

[sonjam]

when we are down and miserable, even the funniest love story can make you feel lonely and depressed!

 

How about starting a new hobby? One you can practice at night, I don't know if you are arty, but you could do a scrapbook, or beadcraft, or start reading a really interesting book?

 

and, if all else fails, chat to me..

[lovelostlady]

thanks, sonjam. it makes me feel better talking about it, but I think my friends are all getting a little tired of it lately. they're good friends, but they just dont know what else to tell me. and my mom thought i might need therapy after obsessing over it for only a week, so lord knows i dont want to bring it up to her now. ugh. people just don't understand how much it consumes me. if he isnt missing me right now then he has been the greatest faker for the past 2 years. god he made me feel so special and loved. I have no self esteem anymore. i almost want to drive over his house and kiss him and tell him i cant live without him. but this isnt a hollywood movie or an episode of dawnsons creek. damn it, why cant love be enough?

[sonjam]

Your friends should realise that sometimes you don't need their help and advice, but you do need their love and support. Everyone does not always have all the answers, but this is something you have to go through, and they should be there for you, right up to the end.

 

I know exactly what you mean by going there and giving him a kiss. Sort of being the hero in a movie, driving up and "rescuing" him from the situation that is causing this. But, like you said, life is not a movie.

 

I still maintain you should keep contact with him to the minimum. Don't talk about the relationship if you do see him, and TRY not to look sad. Look happy, and like you are coping. Even if you aren't. I hope he will come around.

[lovelostlady]

exactly! i dont expect them to say anything, just to listen.

 

I work with him on Sunday morning. so I guess I'll just try to come in in a good mood and smile and be fun. I just don't want him to think I'm totally over him, ya know? but then...he knows me better than that.

[sonjam]

exactly! i dont expect them to say anything, just to listen.

 

I work with him on Sunday morning. so I guess I'll just try to come in in a good mood and smile and be fun. I just don't want him to think I'm totally over him, ya know? but then...he knows me better than that.

 

yes he does, but doing this will make it easier for him to open up to you, since you are not acting all co-dependent and emotional. This in my opinion would only scare him off even further. The best shot you have at getting him back is for him to approach you, even if it is just couse he's looking for frienship, it's a start , right?

[lovelostlady]

I definitely agree. I feel like if i had had more control over my emotions during the break, he may not have felt so much stress and pressure and things may not have turned out this way. but i cant blame myself. i think its pretty understandable considering what I was feeling and going through. still. I know that he really responds to me when he feels really comfortable. I just have to continue making him comfortable. I just want his friendship at this point, because he's my best friend. and hopefully if that happens, we can work from there...

 

by the way, thanks for chatting with me here and all the great advice.

[sonjam]

always a pleasure. I know how it feels to be at home, alone and lonely.

 

You sound like a strong girl, with good values, and lot's to give. Im sure this guy is just going through a temporary thing, he will soon realise what he is losing.

 

 

It is not your fault what has happened, you are right. But sometimes we blame ourselves and look to ourselves when things go wrong, and we don't understand why.

[lovelostlady]

thank you sonjam! that is very sweet of you to say. you seem like a great lady yourself, very wise and sympathetic.

 

the more I thought about it, I felt it was really unhealthy to blame myself. I am by no means perfect, but I know I've done nothing to provoke this. he would even say that himself.

 

I hope that you are right. only time will tell....

[Kaspa]

From what I read and figure, you had nothing wrong with you that caused this situation to unfold. Sorry I missed most of the chat, I got really sleepy, but ye totaly I agree with Sonjam. Good luck with everything, if you ever need some one to listen to you, just message me up!

[lovelostlady]

so I worked with him this morning. dont feel all that great about it. he was very very tired and cranky. i was a little too. it seems like whenever we go a bit without working together, when we work together again, its like we're testing the waters everytime. he always waits for me to be chatty with him, then he usually loosens up. he was teasing me a lot. but when I was leaving i said "bye guys", he was making a drink, but he didnt say bye. so i said "uh, bye james" and he said "cya" then as i was walking away, he said "what?", in sort of a "what'd i do?" tone. maybe he didnt hear me the first time, i dunno. though i dont know why he would avoid saying bye to me, whats the big deal? sometimes i get this feeling like he hates me. but i cant possibly imagine why. maybe he really doesn't want me as a friend, even though he was the one so adamant about staying friends. but if he really wanted me out of his life, he easily could have got a job elsewhere. uggh. i dunno. i guess I shouldnt obsess over his every word and move of one work day, especially when he was really tired. I almost want to take him aside and say "do i matter to you at all?" I guess these things take time. I know it will only get better. whats the best way to keep things very light between us? im not so sure whether us working together kills the chances of him changing his mind, or helps them. sometimes i feel like he loves being around me and talking with me at work. other times I feel like its giving him no chance to miss me and what we had.

 

god, i love him. god i love him. why must I love him so much? it wears me out.

 

I need to not obsess over this, just for tonight. I have 3 finals tomorrow. get through the night without thinking about him. thats my goal.

 

am i thinking too much?!!