Dual trust issue... hoping someone can shed light on it

[MissX]

Hi everyone,

 

I have an issue in a semi-new relationship (3 months dating, 6 months being friends) that has been bothering me for a few weeks now and I hope someone here can provide some good advice.

 

To give a brief history, my last relationship was a little unnerving in the fact that my ex-boyfriend lied to me a lot and cheated as well. I was a more trusting soul then but in the end when I found out the truth about him from a mutual friend I was crushed and wished I would have dug a little more.

 

Now, I'm dating a wonderful guy in many ways who has been very open with me about most things and is very supportive and affectionate. I know he truly does care about this relationship and he backs that up with action. Here's the problem, in being so open with me I have access to a lot and I have found a few things through snooping which are bothering me. I've noticed that he has a tendency to lie about small things with his friends and family. Also, I caught him a lie to me that isn't major but the fact is that he did. I'm not very proud of that fact that I've been snooping but I have been honest a little bit with him on that, I just haven't called him on everything. When we have discussions on being honest with each other he tends to agree with me but I don't know what to make of this stuff and it's not like he's opening up about the fact that he lied to me about this thing that I found out. I know in the past when he has told me about a few things, we did argue and I'm afraid I've set up a bad dynamic for him to be more guarded about what he tells me.

 

So what I want to know is are we doomed or can we get over this? I really don't want to snoop anymore but feeling like he hasn't been honest compells me to do it more. Can you overcome this on both sides with work or should I scrap this relationship?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thank you,

 

MissX

[Iceman26]

I absolutely think you can overcome this, but I think you need to gently confront him on the small lies he has been telling, and perhaps ask him why he feels the need to lie. It might actually make him feel better, and it will definetly get the subject off of your mind.

 

It sounds like you know what mistakes you have been making, when you argue with him when he tells you things. What is it about what he is telling you creates an argument?

[MissX]

What is it about what he is telling you creates an argument?

 

At that time, we were still in that establishing boundaries point in our relationship so it was more about sitautions that I wasn't fond of.

[arwen]

So, he is open but he lies and you have been a little bit honest about snooping around. The only answer to this is to be completely honest yourself, all the time. Don't be scared of the answer, if it is the truth and you can't deal with it, he is not worth your energy and time.

 

You can't control if he's honest or not. The way to open up someone else is to open up yourself.

 

Ilse.

[fluffie]

I dont think there is much of a problem with snooping, we have to find out things, and they usually gave us a reason to snoop.

 

The thing what sux is that we dont know everything behind what we found out and cant talk to them about it so its a lost world. If its serious who cares I would just admit it and confront him.

 

I think they bring it on themselves with their behavior in the 1st place.

 

Its good to know who you are dealing with as much as possible. Its a part of your life too.