why am I killing myself to live? why does fear govern my life?

[mesmerized]

Hello,

 

While I was posting in my thread related to my career I realized how many issues I'm having. So let me please vent here as this isn't really about my job. It's about my and my own perception of myself and my life.

 

I often ask myself if it'd be justified to end my own life? Many will say it'd be selfish. Many will say I'd leave people in grief... but how long can one be in hell? Something is truly wrong with me. I don't think I can ever find a girlfriend and have a normal relationship. Not that I haven't been with girls but that's history. I don't want to repeat myself because I've already posted some thoughts in my career-related thread but to be honest... I'm a failure. As if I had a tragic flaw in the Greek tragedy fashion from the very beginning. I feel that no girl I may fall for will be interested in me. I see so many handsome men everywhere. They are perfect. I used to look quite good... now I look far worse. The worst thing is that fear governs my life. Fear of simple things. Fear of changing a job, fear of approaching a girl, fear of leaving this god-forsaken country where I can just money and nothing else. I'm even afraid of driving a car. Sometimes I wake up at night and can't sleep because fearful thoughts just pop in my head. Scenarios how I'm going to fail, how my life is going to end, how I'm never be successful, how I'm never gonna be like one of those men.

 

I'm gradually falling into the abyss and it's harder and harder to push the sadness away. Sometimes sorrow just kicks in and I see less and less reasons why I shouldn't just put a bullet through my head. What's the point anyway? Is life supposed to be just like that? Full of darkness? How many years more can I be fighting with myself? I'm so tired of this rat race. I've become indifferent. Even the perspective of ending my own life doesn't evoke any emotions. Call me foolish, call me a coward but if I've had suicidal thoughts for so many years and felt depressed then what's the point? Is the point to merely survive for the next 30 years? I see no point in life. It's been just mental suffering until now and when I'm old the physical suffering will add to it. Someone once told me I'd die before I reach 30. Perhaps it's true. Sure, I wish I could be OK, I wish I could make my dreams come true... wish I could just live without being worried all the time... that's why I'm posting here... but I don't see any chance anymore...

 

 

PS. Just in case... Yes, I've tried counselling and meds. Lots of meds. No more.

[SooSad33]

First of all- No one is perfect! You need to understand that. We ALL have issues. And life is NOT grand for anyone.

Despite what everyone 'thinks'. Everyone has issues somewhere.

There is no such thing as continous, total bliss.

If you think about it.. even with a g/f, you would have times or days where you two will not be getting along for some reason, so although you may be 'happy' you have her, you're still going to have to deal with all that goes with it and you can guarantee problems & arguments. So- see? Where there's one bonus.. there'll be some negative to follow.

 

As for all of those 'fears'? I highly suggest seeing your doctor and looking into something for 'anxiety'. I'm the same way- pretty much mentally shut-down. Didnt even want to leave the house. We Can NOT live like that though.

Also, it may be suggested to try some counseling. That I'm also doing. At the end of the month, 'group' therapy will begin.

 

What you need to do is 'stop comparing' yourself to all the other men out there. Like I said, no one is perfect and YOU have no idea what problem lies within them, although you may see their 'looks' are good. There is always MORE to someone that looks.

Looks will change.. it's in the attitude etc. That you'll end up dealing with in the end.

 

You're feeling like I have been lately...VERY negative & lost about everything in my 'life'. Thinking how unfair & crappy it is! Am I happy? Right now, NO.

But, with the assistance i'm getting of the anti-depressants and counselling, I'm sure I WILL slowly 'look at life' in a different manner...someday.

We did once before.. we will, again.

Mes, we are ALL different. I know you DO have some good qualities. YOU just need to get 'up' again and see them.

Yes- you DO need some help.. please look into it..soon!

Anti depressants and maybe some counselling ok? Go see your doctor.

 

It'll take a bit of time,, but you can do this... time to take some time for you. How about a 'mental break'.

Like 'Leave of absents' Dr can help you with that too. Admit you've hit rock bottom. You NEED some rest & help.

I know you're saying NO to med's. I have tried different ones too- but not all will work for us. We need to try different ones til one may help.

If you dont want to go that way- look into natural path. Goto health food store. They have all kinds of natural remedies (the best way to go!). Our bodies actually do best with natural stuff.

And like i said, i think you need to 'change your views'. Change something.. your location/job etc.

Keep looking ... it's just NOT your time to go..yet.

[mesmerized]

Yes- you DO need some help.. please look into it..soon!

Anti depressants and maybe some counselling ok? Go see your doctor.

 

I posted a long post in my career-topic an hour or two ago. I'm in China SooSadd33. There's no counselling here. Perhaps in prime cities like Shanghai there might be qualified psychologists but I wouldn't suspect them of being able to speak good English. I don't have "a doctor" because I'm an expat in a very different environment from what we (Westerners) are used to. Now you can see how this trap is closing on me.

 

And like i said, i think you need to 'change your views'. Change something.. your location/job etc.

Keep looking ... it's just NOT your time to go..yet.

 

Yeah, you are right, I wish I could change my location and job. Everything. Even my major, education and qualification. I'm the kind of person who needs to see possibilities. Trust me, if someone told me today I could go on study again, even for a year, in the smallest Canadian town for example, I'd be the happiest person in the world. But I'm old. I had my chance and I blew it. That's the problem. I'm not sure if it's me that's the problem here. Perhaps it's just the objective factors?

 

Thanks for your insight. Appreciate it.

[Rosti87]

One is never 'too old' to start over unless your country of original has social restrictions against people of a certain age. In America it is never too late to go back to school. But I am aware that there are European countries that pretty much writes people off after 45 years of age career wise. It sounds like where you are working and what you are doing is getting you down among probably many others. I must admit on the single scene, if you project depression people who don't know you well will run for the exit.

 

I would think focusing on how you can change your location and get back 'home' could possible get a possible ball rolling. Somehow getting back to the basics. Not knowing a lot of detail I don't think I have much more value to add. But PLEASE don't ever think you are 'too old' to make change in your life.

[SooSad33]

You're old? Just how old? lol I'm early 40's and i went bk to college here- in Canada 4 yrs ago (40).

NEVER too old!

Look into it.. I agree, you need to get out of there.. come here- to Canada.

At least look at the 'change' and look into doing SOMETHING.. just NOT there.

 

Get out of there. it doesnt sound least bit healthy for you.

[pippy longstocking]

hey mes ...nice to see you my friend ... you know I have always thought you should just go for

it and go to canada ... what have you got to lose ? where you are is a perpetual circle of hell for you .

[mesmerized]

OK guys... It's half past midnight here... I'm trying to prepare my class... I really didn't want this thread to turn into one about career... I left a long note in the other one... I just feel so trapped... I know that for most of you my reasoning is not justified but I just wish I could turn off my head... I'm so inadequate. Life is just bigger than me. So overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I could just press my head with both hands so hard just to make smash it into pieces... How am I supposed to conquer it all? I don't want to give up but if one doesn't see any light in the tunnel then how can one keep walking in the darkness? Life wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is immense mental suffering more justifiable than suicide? I feel so angry at myself for being who I am, for not being able to be a normal guy with a normal life... I feel so much anger now... It'll probably fade away... but for the love of god, I sure wish I could just swallow something a bunch of pills and f... this whole mess. Why can't I just decide my own fate. Why, why, why!!! Why do I have to fight with my thoughts every day!!! WHY!!!

 

How long can one struggle with such thoughts? They've been in my head on and off for the past 7 or 8 years. How much longer? The only thing that always helps me is when I achieve something. Not therapy, nor pills.

 

You're old? Just how old? lol I'm early 40's and i went bk to college here- in Canada 4 yrs ago (40).

NEVER too old!

Look into it.. I agree, you need to get out of there.. come here- to Canada.

At least look at the 'change' and look into doing SOMETHING.. just NOT there.

 

Get out of there. it doesnt sound least bit healthy for you.

 

Well, I don't really have enough money and I have no idea where to start the whole process. I feel I'll fail there too. I feel I won't be able to compete against those masses of graduates from top notch unis...

 

 

I don't see any way out of this mess. I can't go home, I can't stay here, I have nowhere to go. And I can't even end this. I have to get up every single day even though I don't want to. I'm sitting here, typing words that don't even mean much. I want to cry but I know it's not gonna help and I shouldn't. I want to end this but I know I won't. How pathetic it is... I can't even end my own life, no matter how much I hate it. Every post is a scream for help...

[mesmerized]

Sorry for that outburts of negativity folks. I've just had a class on feudalism and early mercantilism... It went wrong, getting close to a disaster. I don't know why but I suddenly started feeling nervous before classes recently. I haven't had such feelings in years.

 

Anyway, hope you can drop a line or two.

 

Thanks