Question for shy guys - if you knew how rejected a girl felt by you

[Catherine]

Hi,

Question for shy guys -

If you were ever in a situation where you found out that a girl you liked truly liked you back and had been trying hard [perhaps in her own shy way] to get to know you and show she liked you, but that she often felt completely rejected by you and was reaching the conclusion that she was foolish and you never had liked her at all - how would you feel or react?

I know everyone is different and feelings or reactions can depend a lot on particular situations, but this is something I've wondered about for a long time as I've been the girl in this situation twice in the past few years.

Thank you

[Splash n Crash]

Hiya Catherine - I'm working on the ol' brevity skills in my replies so please excusie if it comes off short

 

If I were the guy and I couldn't read her feelings of interest, I doubt I could read her feelings of rejection. Ya feel me? Some of us are natural observers and are tunes into a shy girl's interest. but boy does that shyness look like scared / creeped out / not interested. and me at least, I err on the side of respecting your space. even if you're a super-cutie and I wanna squeeze ya and make ya breakfast. i will always err on the side of caution / respect, and this looks like disinterest. unfair I know but we must think outside our immediate needs...i'm in the same sitch but I'm the guy. she wears headphones and is completely aloof. and she doesn't see it. it's sad. i'm a bit of a score and she is too and it'll never happen because she likes her music more than interacting with people. turnoff, understandable as it is. don't forget that some of us boys have more on our interpersonal menu than "approach" or "withdraw". I tell myself to consider how I appear to shy girls and the alternative is caveman persistence. sorry. i'm complex, loving, devoted, and sexy. but reserved. but thats just me bud. and I'm kind of a hot mess lol. good luck! you sound like you get both sides of the equation; your empathy and patience will serve you well. hang in there and some dude will find the right blend of boisterous approach and respectful nuance.

[Splash n Crash]

oh and I have many lady friends over the years and due to my interest in feelings and ability to listen and control my boners lol, I know it hurts. I'm sorry buddy It breaks my heart when a good woman doesn't get what she deserves. just deploy some light lady skills / feminine wiles, and you can rest assured that you did your part. be creative, be goofy, but be accessible. you got this then it's entirely on Holmes, and you've done your part. if he still doesn't approach, his loss my dear, and move on with a big smile! I'm sorry if sometimes it feels otherwise. this stuff is hard, man.

[T Rex]

If he likes you enough, I think even shy guys will make an attempt to get to know you, if you seem approachable. It just won't be as obvious as many other dudes.

 

Personally, I'm more introverted than shy, and I tend to like the same. I have however, both attracted shy guys and made friends with shy people. It's the same way I treat most people, I'm friendly and playful, but I never pursue. If they like (or even like-like) me, great (or not so great), if not, I don't care.

 

When I reject a guy's advances, if he takes it poorly/personally, I'm that much more turned off. Pity is nearly the opposite of attraction.

[Splash n Crash]

Sorry to over-reply but having read your other post, here's what I say. That guy was more concerned with being understood than understanding you. Whether that was driven by shyness or being selfish, I'm not sure. But, having read that story (and it was hard...I don't know you but I hurt for you, that was a hard situation), if I were him and I knew I had hurt you, I would be putting aside my needs and making sure I apologized, and apologized well. Maybe he lacks those skills to perceive your feelings of rejection and issue a real apology (and hey it's hard for anyone to apologize when we're wrong, it's embarrassing). But when I burn someone, I feel horrible, because that could've been me whose feelings I hurt. I immediately put my needs, and in some cases, my precious perspective, aside, and do good to my fellow human. Even if she was a cutie and I wanted to score. She's my fellow human being, and I did her wrong. So, I think I see where you're coming from and given those specific circumstances, yeah, he did wrong, and should own it. Issuing an apology when one is due is a great time to work on becoming an extrovert And T Rex is spot on about how a guy reacts to (perceived or real) rejection; it's all about our behavior. I might feel hurty on the inside but if my reaction is to ignore you, deliberately, I've done wrong, and I owe you an apology. Period. Play nice, fellas, that could've been your sister you just mistreated Thanks for listening and thanks for offering your experience & perspective, Catherine (and others too).

[unsureinlove]

Maybe the woman who is wearing the earphones does not realize you are into her….assuming you are into her of course.

[Catherine]

Hi Splash n Crash,

Thank you so much for your replies [both in this one and my other thread]. I may sound silly but your understanding, sympathy and support made me choke up. I am so glad I began posting here rather than just obsessively googling because now I'm getting advice from amazing people like you

Your comment that if a guy [or girl really] can't read feelings of interest in another, then they probably can't read feelings of rejection either made me think - and in hindsight I think that's part of why I posted this question. The previous shy guy I developed feelings for a few years ago never had any idea, at least I don't think so. We worked together for months, became great friends but it never went any further than that and I was too busy doubting myself and second guessing to do anything more than just drop a whole pile of hints - that he either didn't see or didn't want to act on. Eventually I got over myself and we are actually still great friends! But I've wondered if he ever knew how I felt - not just the attraction but the feelings of rejection. He was rather different that the recent shy guy that my other post is about though - there was at least one time when he was going through a particularly aloof stage, ignored me and was flat out rude when I tried to reach out to him. I rolled with it for a while but finally showed him how upset it was making me and that afternoon he apologised and stopped being rude. I think he just had no idea how much he affected other people - not just me who was crushing on him at the time, but the me who also considered him a good friend.

I think that is part of the reason I'm still verging on giving recent shy guy the benefit of the doubt - i.e. thinking that maybe he just has no idea how much I did like him and how much he did reject and hurt me, and wondering that if maybe he did know, he might change his attitude towards me? And I don't even necessarily mean to change his attitude and apologise, but could it possibly make him give me a break / give me the benefit of the doubt and stop being bitter because of what he perceived as rejection from me [if that is what he is doing].

Sorry, I'm babbling now. I don't know if I will bother contact recent guy again - if nothing else, I am just always interested in behaviour and understanding the people around me.

Again, I can't tell you what your replies mean to me - I've just read through them again and got another big smile and another tear.

Thank you

And just my two cents, if headphones girl is too absorbed in her music to realise the presence of someone like you, then too bad, her big fat loss.

[Catherine]

Hi T Rex, I love your philosophy and approach. I wish I had the confidence or self assurance to be like that. I agree that it is a often a turn off but I also get so tripped up in thinking I did something wrong and that it must be my responsibility! Eventually I usually do get to the I don't care stage, but usually not without a little agonising first! Sigh!

[Batya33]

My husband was extremely shy the first time around that we dated when we were in our late 20s. What that meant was it took him about 8 months to ask me out (it also took him longer because there was the added complication that we worked together). The only interest I showed was being friendly to him at company events and he said I touched his arm once while talking to him. I do think very shy guys might take longer and you might need to be a lot more direct and clear about your interest -including inviting the person along on a group outing or perhaps a low key "date" - but if he's single and available he'll respond to your interest or initiate meaningful interest of his own (meaning asking you out on a date or something very similar). I'm sorry you've been disappointed.

[unsureinlove]

My husband was extremely shy the first time around that we dated when we were in our late 20s. What that meant was it took him about 8 months to ask me out (it also took him longer because there was the added complication that we worked together). The only interest I showed was being friendly to him at company events and he said I touched his arm once while talking to him. I do think very shy guys might take longer and you might need to be a lot more direct and clear about your interest -including inviting the person along on a group outing or perhaps a low key "date" - but if he's single and available he'll respond to your interest or initiate meaningful interest of his own (meaning asking you out on a date or something very similar). I'm sorry you've been disappointed.

 

 

If you don't mind me asking, did your (now husband) give you any 'signs' of interest in those eight months or did you do most of the work? If he did show signs....what were they?

[Splash n Crash]

Maybe the woman who is wearing the earphones does not realize you are into her….assuming you are into her of course.

 

Fair enough, unsureinlove, I appreciate the feedback. The balance between approach and restraint is a tough one, and sure, I own that I may not have been forward enough to show her my interest. But, and I'll keep this short because this is Catherine's thread - she doesn't know what I'm interested *in*. Know what I mean? Maybe she didn't know I was interested, but let's define "interest" - I was just trying to talk to her. I lightly engaged her with small talk, that's it. I don't sit 20 feet away and stare at her; I don't follow her around or try to track her activities. I just wanted to be friendly, and even that basic human connection, she seems uninterested in. I'm not mad at her, I don't think she did anything wrong. But actions have consequences, natural, non-deliberately-inflicted reactions. And anyone who's put themselves out there to be publicly embarrassed and more than once gets ignored outright, won't be back for more. A person who noticed one of these exchanges, by the way, told me "hey I don't know you but she was rude, you were just being friendly. Welcome to Portland." I hold no grudge against this person, I own my part. Thanks again.

[Splash n Crash]

Wow! I'm so glad it helped, and so so flattered by your comments and feedback. Thank you so much Empathy and connection is powerful, even among us strangers. Your previous shy guy description really helps me see what you are facing - you were so brave for telling him you felt rejected. So so brave, what a huge step in the overcoming shyness department! And it's so cool that he took it well and apologized. That's why you could be friends afterward; he was a quality dude after all, and you communicated, and resolved it. Yes!! I love it. And even if you give the more recent guy another chance, please be guarded, and please refer to my comments on guilt, fear, and obligation below.

 

Your comment on obligation is a huge epiphany for me:

 

I agree that it is a often a turn off but I also get so tripped up in thinking I did something wrong and that it must be my responsibility

 

That's what can trip me up too, and I'm not even claiming I'm shy. When I feel like it's my mistake, that I did something wrong, I will go out of my way to make things right (and will take my own romantic interest off the menu until I do right by the person - what good is any kind of romance if you can't be a good friend first?). Shy people can be very sensitive and generous and, well, easily influenced by the needs of others (esp. people who may be acting pushy, selfish, or lacking empathy). That's obligation, and it can be equally healthy and equally damaging. The "limited time offer" / "hurry up and court me" thing is what I mean - feeling pressured by time is scary. It's almost like the threat of withholding...as in, if you don't do x in x time, I will not be available to you. It's super unfair, and I've seen very toxic variations on this throughout my life in family, work, friendships, and more recently, relationships. Once we feel obligated to do the right thing for someone who we like, we can lose sight of our needs, and our approaches and methods. Know what I mean? I think obligation is very closely tied to the fear of losing a chance with someone; and when a person is aware of this and plays that card against a shy person, it makes me extremely angry. I've seen it before, and it's manipulative and damaging to all involved. I don't mean to be harsh, there are reasons that some folks act like this. But it never ends well, and I suspect it's part of why some shy people stay shy. And that's a cycle that doesn't deserve repeating.

 

Okay I'm being way too serious, sorry! Thanks for the wicked good insights Catherine, and for sharing your gratitude in such a loving way. You choked me up too buddy Headphones girl is okay, she doesn't know what's inside me, these thoughts, feelings, and interests, just as I don't see inside her yet either. And I'm a massive music lover so she can rock the 'phones all she wants! But like, hey, share what you're listening to or something, in a friendly way. I might be a hidden treasure too y'know

[Batya33]

If you don't mind me asking, did your (now husband) give you any 'signs' of interest in those eight months or did you do most of the work? If he did show signs....what were they?

 

We only saw each other three times in person during those three months. The first time I was there to welcome him to the company -I had been there 6 weeks and it was his first day. I was very friendly to him and had no interest -I had a boyfriend at the time. Second time I still had a boyfriend, we talked briefly and would have talked more but (this is true) a very very tall celebrity type who happened to be at the event was literally standing in between us in a crowded room so we gave up! The third time was a few months later and that's when he said I touched his arm when we spoke (about a 5-10 minute conversation). I think by that time I had some interest. He called me about 4 days later to ask me to lunch (I think there was a weekend in between).

 

So I guess the signs he showed was that he was interested in what I had to say, he asked me to lunch and at the first lunch one of the first things he wanted to know about was why I chose the career I did (same as his) and he was surprised at the long answer (since it had a whole story attached to it) but very interested. I wasn't surprised when he asked me out again. I think the only meaningful sign a man can show as far as interest in dating is asking a woman out on a date -anything short of that isn't worth analyzing. But that's just me.

 

I had pursued other shy guys in the past - I like people who are more reserved (I am an extrovert!) - it never really went anywhere though. I don't think I ever learned whether the person was actually interested in me -I just moved on.

 

Oh -by the way -the second time around we dated he was no longer that shy but I think there was a 10-day time period where he didn't contact me and I made up three separate excuses to email him during those ten days. As it turned out there were other reasons he didn't call during that time and he likely would have called me anyway to get together again (and when we did, we decided to get back together).

[notafraid]

splash n crash, I just have to tell you, you are hilarious!

[notafraid]

I love the comments on this thread. Thanks for asking this question Catherine, because I have had this happen to me as well in the last couple of years. I work in hospitality and couple of years ago I was working in an independent coffee shop where MANY regulars came in. I mean it was pretty the same customers everyday. It was a real hip place to work because of the area many artists, musicians, aspiring actors, and also business people. Anyway there was this one guy that came in everyday because he worked accross the street and I developed the biggest crush on him. Now, let me be very clear that this man was shy! And pretty serious most of the time. But when he smiled, WOW! He had such a great smile. I am a very shy woman but slowly I would make small talk and he would ask me how my week was and I would ask him about work..just small talk. It was hard to have a long conversation because it was a busy place and I was alone most of the time so couldn't really have a 20 minute discussion with someone. Thing is he was so up and down, sometimes he would smile, sometimes he would chat and sometimes not. I tried to be as consistent as possible in my banter and smiles,etc.

Then, one day, I was leaving work and he was sitting at one of the bar stools close to the window, I walked out the door to my bike and I saw him follow me (which was in the opposite direction of his work). My heart started pounding a million beats/second. I thought OMG, is he going to ask me out? He was walking with purpose and confidence and I look up when he's about one foot away from me and all he said was "Have a Great Weekend!" And he just walked right by me.....And all I could do is turn about 100 shades of red and say "Yeah, you too!" He had a PERFECT opportunity. No one was around...etc, unless he expected me to ask him out? I guess that was a possibility. Or he was just trying to make a fool out of me....I will never know I guess. After that I was still professional with him but I stopped being overly friendly and I pretty much decided that I no longer had a crush on him. I just thought if this guy is just going to play with my head, forget it!

Fast forward to today. I have another crush on a shy guy. Someone who I work with. I think that he likes me too, but we work together AND he is much younger so obviously we are both a little guarded, I think a little too guarded. It's like we both go out of our way to AVOID each other. I am so glad for this forum, the advice and questions are really making me realize that I am not alone in the way I feel. I so agree with Splash N Crash, shy or not, we are all just looking to connect, laugh, talk. You are so funny Splash N Crash, headphones girl has no idea what she's missing!

[confuzzled1]

Oh Batya you give me a little glimmer of hope.

[Splash n Crash]

splash n crash, I just have to tell you, you are hilarious!

 

Awww, thanks notafraid! Yes I am all about the lol's. btw, your kitty in your profile pic is awesome! Russian Blue, right? Nice. The original LOLcat is a Russian Blue. Anyway, I'm glad to contribute and entertain and stuff. Let's all put the "not alone" in eNotAlone.com, shall we? Good luck, by the way, with your new crush - that last dude should've asked you out when he approached. I've seen that cautious look-behind-you that a woman I'm into sometimes makes if I'm walking behind her...so long as it's mutual. Obviously this would be bad juju if she were not into me, it would be creep-tastic, yikes! Anyway yes, glad to spread some humor and perspective, and good luck.

[SA_Guy99]

Hi,

Question for shy guys -

If you were ever in a situation where you found out that a girl you liked truly liked you back and had been trying hard [perhaps in her own shy way] to get to know you and show she liked you, but that she often felt completely rejected by you and was reaching the conclusion that she was foolish and you never had liked her at all - how would you feel or react?

I know everyone is different and feelings or reactions can depend a lot on particular situations, but this is something I've wondered about for a long time as I've been the girl in this situation twice in the past few years.

Thank you

 

I'd be upset that she didn't ask me out. Shy guys do not understand hints and signals.

[Catherine]

Empathy and connection is powerful - I'm blown away by all the support and wonderful messages here. And if you're not careful Splash n Crash, you'll make me choke up again

I don't know if I was brave to show previous shy guy I felt hurt rejected....and I didn't actually tell him in words but rather pretty much bursting into tears and running away! It happened on my third attempt to reach out to him during one of his cold, ignoring periods [he'd decided no one cared about him so was effectively telling everyone to f**k off]. I'd bought a book into work that he'd asked to borrow a few days earlier and went to his office to give it to him and he just stood there and said "why are you giving me that, I don't want it." I looked at him with what must have been shock on my face and then started to feel my eyes sting, so I just turned around and walked away. I must admit though, it did feel good, in a way, to be able to express it to him after a long string of rolling with the punches. And he is a quality dude, you're right about that.

I read your paragraph on guilt, fear and obligation a few times and it really hits home with me. So true. Especially your comment that it can be equally healthy and equally damaging. I've always been a "fixer" - it was my role in my family for as long as I can remember, and I've carried it through to many friendships and relationships. That's one thing I find about my shyness / quietness - I am very comfortable being a listener, just crap at the talking part. But that often means that I find myself in frienships and relationships where I become the agony aunt. And for a long time these two things combined together in me - I was the listener because that's where I was more comfortable, but then I was also the fixer because that was my "job." Took some very harsh lessons and awful experiences to basically burn me out before I realised things needed to change.

So now, while I try not to take responsibility for everyone else's problems, I do still want to make things right when I make mistakes - like you say. And that's what has been so hard and confusing for me with current shy guy - I don't KNOW if I actually rejected him or upset him, or whether he just was trying his luck as a drunken guy and didn't really care either way and that's why he never replied to my email because it simply meant nothing to him. And because I don't know which way it is, I didn't know which step I should take.

Anyway. I love your posts, your insights and your amazing positive vibes. And you certainly are a hidden treasure, one I was lucky enough to stumble accross

[Catherine]

Hiya notafraid, I'm sorry to hear that you've had this happen to you too. It's an awful place to be in. Do you know what though - reading your story about that guy in your coffee shop, I don't think he was trying to make a fool out of you, or even that he expected you to ask him out. I was picturing the scenario in my head as I was reading and all I could think was "He chickened out!!" I would put money on the fact that he had been sat there in the window, working up the guts to ask you out or to even say more than four words to you, but when it came to the crunch he couldn't do it.

But at the end of the day, whether intentional or not, behaviour like his does mess with our heads [and hearts] doesn't it?

I'm so glad for this forum too - it's amazing. Wish you best of luck with your new crush - I hope this guy isn't stupid enough to miss his chance with you,

 

[Catherine]

Hiya SA_Guy99, thanks for your comments - I'm really starting to realise how true that is, that shy guys don't understand hints and signals. Unfortunately for me, I often don't understand them either, or I doubt and second guess that I am seeing the signals or reading them correctly. So we just end up in a shy dance around each other!

[Splash n Crash]

Empathy and connection is powerful - I'm blown away by all the support and wonderful messages here. And if you're not careful Splash n Crash, you'll make me choke up again

 

Then don't read my reply to your other thread. Oops Calling it like I see it, my friend, calling it like I see it. So glad you're getting such good support from others here! You deserve it, buddy. Good luck with everything.

[Splash n Crash]

I don't know if I was brave to show previous shy guy I felt hurt rejected....and I didn't actually tell him in words but rather pretty much bursting into tears and running away! It happened on my third attempt to reach out to him during one of his cold, ignoring periods [he'd decided no one cared about him so was effectively telling everyone to f**k off]. I'd bought a book into work that he'd asked to borrow a few days earlier and went to his office to give it to him and he just stood there and said "why are you giving me that, I don't want it." I looked at him with what must have been shock on my face and then started to feel my eyes sting, so I just turned around and walked away.

 

I'm sorry Catherine. Quality dude or not, please continue to be careful around this person; passive aggression is toxic, and you're like me (fixer / "golden child" in family) - you'll absorb it without judging the other person. Even good people can be hurtful at times (because inside, they're hurting). And I still think you're brave Many people in my family of origin are quality people too, and they've broken my heart time and time again. Protect your heart, so that you can use it however you see fit.

 

On a positive note, I just saw your comment about me being a hidden treasure. lol you're bringing out the soft boy in me big-time. Stop it! (but also, don't) Thanks

[SA_Guy99]

Hiya SA_Guy99, thanks for your comments - I'm really starting to realise how true that is, that shy guys don't understand hints and signals. Unfortunately for me, I often don't understand them either, or I doubt and second guess that I am seeing the signals or reading them correctly. So we just end up in a shy dance around each other!

 

I should have also added to that... we also don't know how to give signals. If you're trying to read something from a shy guy, there probably isn't anything there. The only way you'll ever know if a shy guy likes you, is if you can take initiative yourself to approach him (which might bring him out of his shell)... or to ask him. You're not wrong though, it can end up being a vicious circle.

[notafraid]

Thank you Splash and Catherine for your insights and good wishes. My kitty cat is a Russian Blue....even more gorgeous in real life if you can believe it! She's the one who keeps me grounded. I am agreeing with all the most recent comments, I think shy people in general just don't get hints because most of the time they find it hard to accept that someone they like actually likes them in return, due to childhood or past experiences....etc.

So much work to be done!!!