Found out husband was having an affair Sept 11 04...GRRRR

[gaylord2wife]

I found out my husband was having an affair in Sept 04 and I moved out in Nov 04. I don't have any children and he has two in the home. We were married for 2 years. I found out on Sept 11th. A bomb drop on me as well. I moved out Nov 11th and our anniversary was Nov 17th. Sometimes it seems so hard to understand. He won't talk about it. With him not talking, I feel lost. I have feelings of hurting him and her. I understand how women can contemplate suicide, drinking or murder. I had to hide the alcohol in my house. I get this rage in my stomach and find myself thinking of awful things to do to them. I'm talking to a counselor to help. My husband started saying, YOU LEFT ME!! What should I have done? I'm home taking care of his kids and he's playing house with another woman. He would have been happy, if I left, because of the kids. By the way, that situation wasn't so hot. I decided I'm not going to take care of his ungrateful children and he cheats. Since separating I can't let him go. He knows it too. I allow him to visit. I want so much to tell him not to contact me or come by. Whenever I'm close, I talk myself out of it. I'm 40. Once turning 40 this year, I was so happy. I wanted things to change in my life. I have never felt such pain in my life. PLEASE HELP!!

[Meow18]

What you need to do is get the strength to tell him that you don't want to see him anymore. You will never heal, or even start to heal if he is still coming around.

 

Next time you see him, don't even think, just say that you want nothing to do with him. It will be hard, but thats the first step to getting over him. Actually the first step was leaving him. A lot of women might have stayed around because they didn't want to leave, but you were strong enough to realize he wasn't worth it.

 

Its good that you are seeing a counsler. That will help you as well.

 

Of course your thoughts are normal, just don't act on them. You want revenge for him hurting you so bad. Thats normal to want that. However, in time these thoughts will start to go away. Honestly, this guy isn't even worth thinking about. He's not worth any moment of your thoughts, whether its good thoughts or bad. Its hard to stop thinking about someone though. I understand that.

 

I guess you just need to bring yourself to tell him that you want nothing to do with him and stop all contact. Don't even think about his feelings, he doesn't deserve it. Its about your feelings right now and whats best for you.

[Cecelius]

You have standards and he didn't meet them.

 

Keep it as simple as that in your head. What were you supposed to do?

[BrianW]

Anyone who has had someone they loved betray them will go through pain. Lots of it!! You will go through the same grieving process of a death in a family. I have read many testimonies speaking to the pain of adultery being greater than that of actual death. I know from experiencing both firsthand that infidelity is far worse. I encompasses far more than loss. It involves hurt pride leading to deterioration of personal self worth. It makes you forget what it was that made you smile. It makes you wonder if you will ever be able to trust anyone with your heart again. It involves the adulterer dealing with feelings of guilt and shame, even if they don't confess to that, and thereforeeee makes them lash out in defense hurting you more. It makes you feel like they owe you. I know, I have been there. My wife and I had what I would call a "fairy tale" relationship for 15 years. I feel that we both experienced a love that maybe only a portion of 1% of this world get to experience. She had an affair. I can tell you that it was not because of my lack of emotional involvement, my romantic gestures or any of that. I treated my wife like a princess, always. I am a firefighter, keep in shape, had a great sex life with her. I bought roses, perfume and most importantly....I always let her know how much she meant to me. My wifes affair came from a huge lack of self worth that was covered by a blissful marriage to her best friend. But surgery upon surgery led her to addiction, that led her to rehab, that revealed her lack of personal self worth that coupled made her vulnerable to the affair. You see, I can analyze the affair very thouroughly, but no matter what, I am still hugely affected by the end result. And no matter what you did right or wrong, nothing justifies the inequity and lack of feelings to another to commit adultery. But...the truth as we and most others know, it happens. All too frequently and even to the best of us. What you have to do is try to find a way to stop beating yourself up. I know how hard this is. I have wanted to become physical with the guy involved with my wife. He knew she was married and knew that we had kids. How offensive. I never got physical though. I would not let his lack of integrity bring me down to his level. Focus on who you are, your belief systems in living an integritous, loyal, trustworthy, honest lifestyle. Go through the grieving process. Work through it though.... link removed this website talks about the grieving process. Understand that although the pain is so real and unfair, it's there and won't go away as long as you let it command your life. Know that the other person involved is not better than you. It is impossible. To have an affair with someone who is knowingly married, is as low as it gets. Do not go to there level. The last thing I can say is that God is the only way I will heal. It is the only way my wife and I are able to make it. As humans, we have to much pride, pain and want to know why and how someone you gave your heart to could do this. Jesus is the beast of burden, he can take it all for you. Give it away. Again, I know that is not as simple as it sounds. I have struggled with it. But the further I go down the road in recovery, the more I understand that it wasn't me and I have to give it to God so that I can reclaim me again. You cannot control anther's actions and choice to live life a certain way....you know that for a fact. Let it stay a fact in your mind and realize you can only control what you do with your life. Keep you chin up, seek pastoral counseling and realize that the more you work on repair the more you will feel the sun on your face again. This life is temporary and short. Live it too the fullest and realize that you are not alone. Welcome to the broken heart club!

[nexus532]

This time in your life you need to realize that you are only 40, to me thats still young. You must leave this guy whatever it takes, if need be, if you are able to, move far away. I know it sounds crazy but you have to leave him and his children, get rid of anything that may remind you of him. For every day that your with this man thats another day lost in the effort to finding a new man. after all there could be someone out there that is looking for you, and all you needed to do is leave a coruppt man behind.

[brokenheartednow]

Isn't that interesting? He's managed to turn and point the finger in your direction saying "you left me!" Didn't he think about blame when he decided to have an affair? Somehow he's managed to forget all about his own faults and failures and attribute the dissolution of your marriage to you and you alone.

 

I think it's great that you are in counseling. Only there will you be able to sound off on what has happened and get feedback from an objective unbiased professional opinion. Family and friends can only say and see so much in a fair manner however well meaning.

 

Keep your chin up, I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm two weeks and counting in my NC with my ex and trying therapy as well.