I tried to hurt myself... :/

[MattW]

I'm feeling a bit freaked out right now, because a couple hours ago, I... Well, I attempted to do some minor physical harm to myself. I stumbled upon a small razor blade, and I just had the strong compulsion to hold it in my hand and squeeze it as hard as I could. I really wanted to bleed. Of course, I have a pretty low threshold for pain, though, so I never actually broke the skin. After I failed to do that, I sort of "snapped out of it". I dunno, I'm just feeling a bit unnerved. I've admittedly had some brief sporadic thoughts of inflicting harm on myself over the years, but I've never really tried to act on it.

[Silverbirch]

You need to get professional counselling Matt.

[SooSad33]

self injury is not a good thing. It could be dangerous- (you know that).

When ppl do it.. it's often a means of some kind of 'release' similar to break down/tears, etc.

They feel somewhat relieved afterwards, but they are not careful it CAN be deadly.

Depending how often & how deep..etc.

 

I suggest if this happens too often.. this wanting to inflict pain? Yes, ask to speak with counselor.

Why dont you try some other ways to release that.. energy? You work out?

[MattW]

You work out?

 

Nah. I can never stick to any kind of routine. I've attempted it a few times in the past, but I'm not much of a "working out" kind of person, so it's not something I stick with.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, you need professional help. I almost think that coming on here is making you feel worse, because of some of the stuff people have said to you in the threads.

[sonicfan287]

Hey Matt W,

 

I'm not trying to be "that guy" who understands you, but I literally went through a similar experience. I work at a place where I regularly have box cutters and I'll admit (since we're all friends here) that I had gotten the same urge you had. I didn't follow through on it, but there were some days where I'd feel such strong anxiety and depression (mainly due to my ongoing breakup at the time) that I'd seek safe haven somewhere, just clutching the box cutter and holding the trigger. Something about it calmed me, because I knew I'd never do it but I almost wanted to.

 

Moving on though, this was 2 years ago and I'm in a lot better place. You can be too, but the first step is realizing when you've gone too far. Obviously, any form of self hate isn't good but its not until you yourself realize it that it can stop. Everyone in the world can tell you that you shouldn't treat yourself badly, but 9 times out of 10, you're going to listen to yourself, and you're going to want to improve yourself and if for whatever reason, you hit obstacles and you can't, you're going to want to take it out on yourself, but you can't. When you reach that point when things have gone too far, that's when you can hopefully step back and slow down in the interest of helping yourself and others around you.

 

I'm really glad you came on here and confessed that and I hope nobody's responses (including mine) have made you feel worse in any way, because that was never my intent nor was it anyone else's I'd assume. I'm guessing you haven't told anyone else (I never told anyone about my phase either) and I can respect that if it's the case. I'd still recommend seeking professional help though and setting some concrete goals that you can set and follow, one at a time. Don't be so hard on yourself if you don't find success right away but keep on it. God bless.

[lerenard]

you need professional help.

people who have suicidal thoughts and they share them with other people are very different from somebody who just decides to do it one day and goes all the way, without telling people (both close friends/family or just random people). And there are also people that just enjoy hurting themselves a bit, seeing cuts and scratches on their body, having bruises, seeing blood and so on.

you are the only person here who knows

1 - the reasons why you had a "compulsion"

2 - the reasons why you want to share this and have other peoples opinion on it

[MattW]

people who have suicidal thoughts and they share them with other people are very different from somebody who just decides to do it one day and goes all the way, without telling people (both close friends/family or just random people). And there are also people that just enjoy hurting themselves a bit, seeing cuts and scratches on their body, having bruises, seeing blood and so on.

you are the only person here who knows

1 - the reasons why you had a "compulsion"

2 - the reasons why you want to share this and have other peoples opinion on it

 

How so?

 

Anyway, I'm hoping this was just a freak one time occurrence. It just really spooked me because like I said, I've never tried to act on something like this before. And when I held that blade in my hand, I just felt... possessed. Like I had no control over myself, or something. It was a weird sort of feeling.

 

I dunno. The whole thing just shook me up a bit, and even now, I'm still feeling shaken up.

[blueidealist24]

How so?

 

Anyway, I'm hoping this was just a freak one time occurrence. It just really spooked me because like I said, I've never tried to act on something like this before. And when I held that blade in my hand, I just felt... possessed. Like I had no control over myself, or something. It was a weird sort of feeling.

 

I dunno. The whole thing just shook me up a bit, and even now, I'm still feeling shaken up.

 

That really sounds scary. I really think you should consider therapy. If you felt like you had no control like that, you could lose control and do something worse to yourself by accident..

[lerenard]

How so?

 

because if you hate your life and you want to die, or something happened with you and you lost your will to live, you just go and do it. you don't post on forums to see peoples opinion on it, you know. it doesn't matter what others think. and you said it yourself that it was a weird kind of feeling and you felt possessed, and you want to know why it happened. in one case you have a reason and then the reaction, in other case you have a reaction but you cant see a reason. that is why you need professional help.

[MattW]

Eh, well. Would it be weird if I said my reasoning was more from a place of anger than of sadness? These last few months, I've had so much mounting frustration and anger, and right now, I just feel angry all the time, deep down.

 

Today, I actually subconsciously went and looked to see if the razor I had found was still where I left it the other day. If it was, I was going to pocket it and do god-knows-what later on... Of course, it wasn't there, so that didn't end up happening. Still kind of disenchanting that I went looking for it again in the first place, though.

[lerenard]

still not getting any professional help?