Ex has new girlfriend. I am still obsessed with him

[Sweetiepie346]

I was with my ex for 6 months, I was his first girlfriend in 3 years. He broke with me over a few little things, and he thought I didn't trust him. We were long distance. Now 2.5 months after he broke up with me he has a new girlfriend, someone who he actually said "needs to keep her knickers up" as she has slept with the majority of the men in their town. He recently overdosed, about 3 weeks ago and he says he is with her because she helped him through it! I wanted to help him through it but I couldn't as we had a bad break up. I reminded him of what he said about her before, and he just warned me that I was going to push him over the edge again. What makes it worse is that I lost my virginity to this man. How do I move past this? My emotions are getting in the way of everything I do.

[lavenderdove]

Why do you want to be with a guy who is doing drugs to the point of OD'ing? Seriously.

 

and he is not with her because she is a nursemaid to his ODing, he is with her because he wants to bang her. Sadly, that is the way it works. He will tell you something that sounds noble, but he's apparently a drug addict banging a girl with loose morals.

 

You lie down with dogs you get fleas. Don't let your feelings confuse you.. .it is clear this guy is a mess and his new GF is a mess and you don't want them giving you HIV and a host of STDs from their drug using and promiscuious lifestyle.

 

How do you move past this? you cut him out of your life. He's gone and you don't need him there, so de-friend him, block his number, never talk to him again and get on with your life. And look for a better class of man to date than him.

[lerenard]

Stay away from that guy! You do respect yourself, do you? So why would you want to be with someone like that? Especially after he has a girl like that one? It means nothing to him, you meant nothing to him, his own life means nothing to him! I had a drug-addicted boyfriend, and stayed with him no matter what when he was sick for months, tried to kill himself and a lot more. In the end he almost killed me and was threatening my whole family and friend circle! You deserve a life, not a nightmare!

[Sweetiepie346]

He od'd as an attempted suicide. She also suffers from depression

[lavenderdove]

Doesn't matter why he OD'ed... he's a mess. You don't need that, and honestly, he doesn't want you anymore, he wants this new girl. So no reason you should stick around at all. You are young and will have many men in your life, and you don't need to throw yourself away on a suicidal drug addict who has moved on to some new girl. Let it go and go claim a good life... he won't provide you with one, and he doesn't even want to!

 

If you can't stop your obsession with him, then consider visiting a counselor who will help you get past any romantic fantasies about this guy who is obviously a mess and not interested in being your BF, so you need to move on.

[lerenard]

He od'd as an attempted suicide. She also suffers from depression

see - he cant even die normally. if he had the guts to kill himself he would hang himself or shot his head.

taking too much drugs and almost dying is drug addiction and greed not suicide attempt, no matter what he may have told you.

and as lavenderdove said - it doesn't matter, stop making excuses and pitying him and yourself as well. he doesn't love you and he never loved you, and he doesn't value his life

with or without you.

[Sweetiepie346]

Yes I know. Just difficult when I would do anything for him, I loved him deeply and all he wants is someone he saw as a sl*g!

[lavenderdove]

What will help you with this is separating out your feelings from the guy... i.e., you may have had strong feelings for him BUT your feelings for him have nothing to do with who the man is and what he will do with his life. And frequently if you are in love with a drug addict who has dumped you and moved onto some other low life GF, you have to ask yourself what it is that attracts you to people who are a mess and why you think you 'love' them when it may be more that you have a co-dependent and obsessive personality and need to learn what real love it and how to manage obsessive thoughts. I'd consider going to a counselor if you can't get a grip on these feelings and cut him off totally and let go. Those emotions may have more to do your own issues than they do to him being worthy of your love when he is actually a horrible choice as a partner and would only bring you grief.

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you are 'upset' with him seeing a girl you see as a low-life, what that really means is that you are over-identifying with him and this other girl, as in you find it insulting as if you are classified a low-life or you don't like to see him as a low-life who is associating with someone like himself because you don't want him to be a low life. But if he is making that choice, birds of a feather are flocking together.

 

So you have 'fused' with him in an unhealthy way, where you don't want to admit that HE is a low-life if he is making such choices. It makes you angry because you are still seeing him as a partner and that he has done you wrong by making that choice, when really, from the second he breaks up with you, he is entitled to do anything he pleases with anyone he pleases and you have no right to have input into that or even take offense at that.

 

What you SHOULD be doing is telling yourself, 'wow, I guess I know what he is really about now and i sure fantasized him into being someone better than he is, because he is really a low life drug addict associating with low life woman.' so that should FREE you rather than bind you to him, and you need to stop thinking of him as if he were your partner or that what he does with him life is of any relevance to you, because it isn't anymore. You have discovered that you misjudged his character and foolishly allowed yourself to be dragged into his world for a while, and now consider yourself lucky that you are out and walk away.

 

It's up to you do fix your life, and fixing your life means letting go of people who are wrong for you and who don't want to date you anymore. Quit talking to him or having any visibility into his life at all, he's history, the past, and you will heal faster if you do that and don't continue to view his sordid life from the outside.

[lerenard]

Believe me I loved my suicidal guy deeply as well, he was my first and till now the longest relationship. We were together for 3 years, then we broke up and I needed to move away to another country because he was stalking me, telling me he will kill me and then himself.

After 2 years in another country after everything that happened I STILL thought he was my number one. Until he broke in my life again and turned it to a nightmare for another 4 months. Then I said to myself how stupid I must be, and moved on. It hurts, nobody tells you it is easy, but you need to get busy living, or you will be getting busy dying.

[goodheartlady]

Make "emotionally healthy" a non-negotiable for your next relationship.

Obsessing over someone who has clearly loved does not do any one any good.

You should be focused on why you compromised your own values to be with him.

[Sweetiepie346]

I totally agree with everyone, however the overdose was of painkillers and it was a one off thing. Yep making excuses for him again. I do agree that I have my own issues with I obsessiveness and I would like to get counselling for it. I feel like the relationship breaking up was very unfair, and it hurts that he would rather be with someone like that rather than someone loyal and honest like me. So it does make me feel bad about myself

[Sweetiepie346]

I've said quite a few cruel things to him about her over the past 2 days, all of which I meant but I probably should have left it. He stopped replying after I told him that nothing I say should make him upset, if she's the great woman he makes her out to be. Should I apologise to regain my dignity or just leave it be?

[lavenderdove]

You should quit calling and texting him altogether. You're not 'getting' that he has a new GF and is in a relationship and you are still trying to engage him and connect him to you while trying to put her down. Your real agenda is you want him back and aren't happy that he's with someone new.

 

But that is the reality. He's got a new GF, and it's not you. Doesn't matter what her appeal is to him, he's made a choice and it's not you. I know that sounds harsh, but reality is your friend. You can't play at being friends with him when you are still obsessed with him and want him back. You must first be honest with yourself. That it didn't work out between you two, and that he went off an got a new GF. And that it NEVER works when you're trying to dangle after someone you are obsessed with while pretending you are friends when your goal is to separate him from his GF and get him back.

 

What you need to work on here is your obsession with an ex who is gone and has a new GF. So your task is to break that obsession and put him in the past where he belongs, because he is now with someone else. This is not healthy for you and is distracting you from the real task of letting go and moving on. Call a counselor on Monday to help you with that, and if you can't afford one, start lookig for free or low cost counseling thru agencies in your area.

 

btw, he's upset because you're ragging on his GF. And you shouldn't be. And you should be leaving them alone. So send him a quick apology for digging at her, and be honest and say you think you need to not be in contact until you have processed the breakup and are not upset/annoyed by him having a GF. So please don't contact you, and you won't contact him. Then stick with that plan and stop communicating with him.

 

The only way to break an obsession is to stop feeding it and to stop contact with the person you are obsessed with. And to stop ruminating about the past or thinking about him or what he's doing or what he did in teh past or what he might do in future. Absolutely none of that is relevant to you anymore, and your obsession is preventing you from healing and having a normal life. So throw all your energies into breaking that obsession.

 

If you can't afford therapy, try reading this book to learn the difference between obsession and love:

 

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