When you have to let go of love

[K33NAN]

I have no one to talk to about this. About a year ago I met this woman online, how is not so important to the story. I am a married man with an 8 month old daughter. I was not looking for anything when this happened, however my relationship with my wife was not in a good place. I started talking with this woman, we seemingly connected on every level. She was going through a difficult time in her life, in a mentally abusive relationship for most of her life. I helped her through that time, needless to say we fell in love. We carried on this relationship for months over the net, Skype, chat apps, etc...we've spent nearly every moment together in this way that is humanly possible. The twist is that this woman lives in Europe, over 6000 miles away, has 3 kids of her own, and of course I have mine. She is free now, I am not. A couple months ago she made the trip to where I am and we met in person the first time, spent 10 wonderful days together, more than wonderful, it was the best time of my life. Of course she had to return to her country, the days are extremely hard now. We both love each other deeply, it's hard for her as I am still with my wife, and hard for me to live this life in a virtual love that is also a real love and pretend in my everyday life that things are ok. Me and my wife are not so happy together but she doesn't know why really. The situation with her is not so easy either, she is not a bad person. We just drifted apart, she sacrificed a lot to be with me as she is also not from this country. She has no family here and no where to go but back to her home if we split, and there is my daughter whom I love dearly. I don't know how I got so deep in this mess but now there is no easy way out. I know that I could repair things with my wife if I were to let my lover go, until then I cannot give anything emotional to my wife. This woman I've met feels very much like the love of my life, I haven't ever felt anything like this before and im so scared to let it go, the pain that comes when I think of that hurts so badly. Even if I were to free myself of my relationship with my wife there is still this chasm of distance between us and we eac have kids from another relationship that cannot be uprooted and taken from their other parents. Like I have said this woman that I love is free of her ex now and has been for sometime. She is extremely faithful to me, understand my situation and how things were when we met, she is the most respectful amazing woman Ive ever met. I have no doubt of her deep love for me. Yet I know that she cannot wait for me forever, and I know that there would be virtual impossibilities that much could change even if I were single, it would be such a mess with kids and lives established. She's been patient thus far but I know the day is coming when she will need more than this, need someone by her side, the thought and feelings that it will not be me are so painful, nearly unbearable, I so badly don't want to let her go and feel like I will never love another like her....someone please read this, listen, I feel so alone in this, I cannot talk to any of my friends about this as they know my wife and I don't want to expose her to any embarrassment or things from this that anyone she would see could know about it. I realize that I am also a villain in this story as I have been very unfair to my wife in these things, like I said she is not a bad person and we simply drifted apart, I know things could be repaired to a state where we could exist peacefully and even love again. But I truly feel that if I let this woman go who I've been with that I will never feel anything of that nature again...this hurts so bad, I never planned any of this.

[top bloke]

What makes you really happy? What feels right for you. No judgements here. You are not happy in your relationship or you would have never allowed the other woman in your life.Perhaps the other woman is who cqn make you happy but it is simple. Listen to your intuition where will real happiness come from? Also remember that real life kids bills is where love is tested. You have to choose what you want and realise each path will have its challenges

[shopgirl37]

I understand unfortunately. I had a similar but different situation. Mine was my husband was NOT a nice person to me for a long time. I was completely faithful to him until I got emotionally attached to someone on the internet also. We have a pack of children. I remained involved with the other man for a long time. It seemed to satisfy some deep desire to be cared for and thought about. The internet gives autonomy and I used that to my advantage. I was pretty selfish about it, actually, yet I cared deeply, and wanted the best for him in his own life too. Well, the day came that we met in person, and like you.... that was a whole different story. We happened to live a good distance apart (not in my town, but only an hour or so away). I fell completely head over heels in love. I was done in after ten minutes. He was up and down and all over the place with me. I never knew such gentleness, such connectedness, such patience to know who I am. We had other obstacles however, and (like your desire to not hurt kids or the other parent, and the 6000 miles) these obstacles were not something that we could ever figure out. He got spooked and decided we could just be "friends" but still be completely in each other's lives. It satisfied something for me still, so I verbally agreed. My heart, however..... ached. I didn't really see a difference in the way we communicated or in the way he treated me.... I just knew that I wasn't going to be in the forever zone. I don't even think I had considered that on my end, really (wanted it, but couldn't figure out how). But to love deeply and then not get a say on it, just plain rips out the insides and leaves everything raw and bleeding. I had never before missed someone. I had never felt those things I still feel but cannot share with another soul. I was the one who was married. I ended up hurting my husband and older children beyond what I even thought would be possible. I feel disgusting when I see how it affected them. Yet, I still wish someone would understand and care that I wanted to be happy and loved. I consider it LIFE for me. I am now being asked to stay married but have no relationship with my husband or another man. I have even more controls being put on me than I felt prior to the other relationship. I don't know how to deal with it at all. I understand your pain. It is the deepest hardest thing ever. I also did not want my husband to experience embarrassment like you mentioned. I was not wanting the questions to come so quickly and with such anger. I was not prepared at all for it, or the constant harassment and intimidation. I was actually surprised. I felt guilt for the first time (not fun), and then tried to put myself back in as his wife. I can't do it. Through all of this my now friend is not wanting to be involved in the drama. He couldn't wait while I was in "crisis" mode as he was used to constant attention and access to me. It's sad. I hurt in every way possible. Thankfully I had begun counseling about six months prior to the discovery that rocked my Safe Haven, but even that does not fix the memory of finally feeling loved and valued but then feeling like it was taken from me. I identify with what you said about "I truly feel that if I let this woman go who I've been with that I will never feel anything of that nature again... this hurts so bad...." I think for you and for me, it was about "us" not about "them" which is sad. (how I felt, what he made me feel, etc) and that's not great. However, those feelings are definitely REAL!!!! I also didn't want to be the villain. I don't know what to say. I have hated it that I am now to blame for EVERY SINGLE THING that ever went on in our marriage. It's stupid. Totally ridiculous. But it's how it is being written. I say this because your apprehension may be right on the mark! I don't know what to tell you except.... gosh. I get it.

[girl27]

This is so hard. Even though you are, as you say, the villain of the story, I still feel so sorry for you. However, I feel even more sorry for your wife. This isn't fair on anybody, especially not her. Still I'm wary of even suggesting you leave her but i do think its the right thing to do. I think if you do leave her you should do everything in your power to help her find somewhere to live etc and don't just leave her and your children high and dry. I also think the woman you met online has a lot to answer for, she should never have met a married man. This makes her the co-villain of the story.

[K33NAN]

This is so hard. Even though you are, as you say, the villain of the story, I still feel so sorry for you. However, I feel even more sorry for your wife. This isn't fair on anybody, especially not her. Still I'm wary of even suggesting you leave her but i do think its the right thing to do. I think if you do leave her you should do everything in your power to help her find somewhere to live etc and don't just leave her and your children high and dry. I also think the woman you met online has a lot to answer for, she should never have met a married man. This makes her the co-villain of the story.

 

I understand what you say, and the other woman has expressed her guilt over the situation as well. She has a good heart, otherwise I could not love her. Nothing about this was planned from either side, but yes we allowed it to happen. I think her need to see me and feel if that same love and connection was there overrode that guilt and still does. She has been through more in her life than i could ever explain. That bond is already there, I could never leave my kids high and dry and know that I can't leave my wife high and dry either and that the situation is rather hopeless. I guess I needed to share this here, let this pain out in some way, know that there is someone out there that could listen, as I am in agony now over this...I love her so much.

[shopgirl37]

I GET IT. It might be hopeless, but the pain is REAL.

[top bloke]

Keenanand shopping girl you need to consider the reality of divirce because it sounds like meeting the other person has destroyed any intimacy in your marriages. I believe that if you both worked on that and had it in your marriages then you wouldn't need it elsewhere. If you can salvage your marriages then this is the best thing overall but if not you need to consider the consequences of you not being happy at home as a result of your affairs. Also realise that it is human nature to glorify others when what you already have is much more worth it than a new relationship with someone you have not lived with or know in daily real life.

[K33NAN]

Thank you shopgirl. The pain is very real...I'm a grown man and today i really broke down in uncontrollable tears that wouldnt stop. I love this woman so much and that pain hurts deeply. I know that if I love her that much and things cannot work out for us to be together that I need to let her be free, even if she doesn't want that...that she could have chance with someone else in life, even though the thought of her with someone else is like driving nails into my heart...to break this bond between us and go through this pain while trying to hold and repair what I've done to my marriage while having a real broken heart, and having to pretend that I'm normal...I don't know what to do to cope with it all. This is all stuck inside me

[K33NAN]

Topbloke thank you for taking the time to respond. I agree with you that things are not always better on the other side. I've chosen to do what I did and am now reaping the consequences of that. My wife is a very good woman, any man would probably dream of someone like her, but we had issues that caused us to drift, I should have worked harder and perhaps I still can in order to save things. My daughter is beautiful and I can't imagine life without her either. To break the love that I started though with my lover the hardest thing I've ever had to choose to do or think about doing.

[top bloke]

It can be looked at consequences or an opportunity to change your life and live the best you can. If your wife is not fulfilling you as a partner then perhaps you have the wrong person. You do not sound like a serial cheater so go where you feel happy in your soul and realise things that we see as bad can lead to a better tomorrow. Yes your wife will hurt and the other woman may be hurt depending on your choice but I think perhaps this is your test on how well you know yourself and the authentic life you want to live. Choose one and live the path which you believe will bring contentment. You did create this situation and outfall is imminent. People will be hurt but living an honest life not a lie is always the best way

[shopgirl37]

Yes it's me, shopgirl37 over a year later. Well, I started the process of divorce. And I am NOT with the other man. At all!!!! It has been the worst year of my life, yet I am so much stronger. I discovered that although I felt cared for by the other man, really it was an addiction to affection. The pain I experienced was horrific, even after we remained in the friend zone, and rarely spoke. After a year of counseling, I decided to meet him again.... in a public place... simply to prove to myself that I have healed from the addiction. I guess it was like a recovering alcoholic wanting to sit in a bar just for a second to prove to himself that he didn't have to drink. Well, although there was no hint of anything on his part... the chemistry was there, and I discovered that my little "test" was dangerous. I have no desire to be with anyone at this point in my life as I have worked so hard to build relationships with my children, and to get goals for myself, and to get the abusive aftermath out of my head. I started experiencing flashbacks and was diagnosed with PTSD which has been debilitating. I wish things were different. I wish I had a whole family. I wish my husband had cared about me. I know now that he really didn't.

 

Mine is a story of understandable infidelity that was really only a choice I made to get me through the pain I was experiencing. I did not realize that I could have made the move on my own, and without his approval. I know it is a long time since you reached out for help. But I hope all is well....