We have the same friends!!! How do I survive No Contact?

[Leges39]

I have just entered the first week of no contact with my girlfriend of three years (ex) and the problem is that we have all (99%) the same friends. She came into my life and she did not have friends in Chicago, so in the three years we were together she became close to my circle of friends.

 

Just last Tuesday, one day after we instituted the no contact rule, she came into a bar I was in with friends. She said hello and went to the back of the bar. I was going to leave, but I just got myself a drink so I stayed and tried to look happy and normal...After about 8 minutes, i felt bad she was alone at the other end of the bar, so i went to sit with her but she had left already. according to my friend, she left bawling with tears all down her face...she told him that she misses everyone but could not stay.

 

Now I still love her and this no contact rule is for me to get my sanity back (she moved from our apartment in august - we broke up finally in october). i don't want her to be hurt by being abandoned by my friends, who by the way have (without me asking) given me their allegiance. But what can I do if we go to the same places? should I allow her to be with everyone when out and i just take a break from everyone? it is tough instituting a no contact rule when all your friends are the same.

[XrucuX]

The only way to survive no contact is to occupie yourself with other things to do. So get out, dont be a downer, and GO HAVE FUN!

[Leges39]

So, X, you want me to abandon my friends and keep myself busy doing new things?

[Leges39]

We broke up officially on October 16, 2004. She moved out of our apartment at the end of September. She told me about her plans to move out on August 1, 2004. She said the reasons for moving out were: 1. we were having issues that seemed to get out of control since May and could not take a chance of signing a new contract to live with me while she attended a one year accelerated nursing program at Rush in Chicago, because if we could not work it out, she may end up putting her education (comes with a scholarship and a job for 3 years) in jeopardy. 2. she needed to find out if I was the one 3. she wanted to live alone and gain some independence (she felt she took advantage of me and all I gave her and did not want to have to depend on me anymore for happiness).

 

 

When she first told me her plans in August, I did everything I could to keep her to stay. By September, She actually told me she wanted to see if we could work it out, but this dark cloud developed over our relationship that seemed to sabotage everything we tried to do. By mid September, she decided to continue with her original plans. This attempt by her to try to work it out and comments in therapy (two sessions) that she would not be leaving if it was not for nursing school were strong enough reasons for me to swallow my pride and let her move out…and all the while, help her with her new place and continue to date her.. (Also, during a trip to Scotland in April, she said she would have married me – she thought I was going to ask). The night she decided to move, I went to live with my sister. We ended up talking and by the end of the week, I was back and she was telling me how upset she got that I was not there and how much she missed me and my support…she was still moving out however.

 

 

 

The slide in our relationship seemed to start in May through August, she got a new job and we worked opposite hours…we started to slowly slide out of the relationship with building resentment, etc…..Nothing two people could not have worked out….things that counseling could have helped with if we ever talked about them, but when in therapy early on we were too busy trying to deal with the dark cloud.

 

 

 

So why the protracted relationship with her after she said she wanted to move out? She just kept dangling carrots out there for me by saying things like "I still want to date you" "you are still the man in my life" "I still think about us" "who knows what the future holds"..she kept my picture in her living room….she did not want to date other men…"my sister is routing for you". " I have been thinking about a future with you"….."I love you"….But, come the holidays, she did not want me to go home with her (as we have several times). This caused me even more grief…she would no longer come to my parents and she did not want me to go to see hers?…what was I if we were still "dating?" Recently about two weeks ago when a college strike may have caused her not to get into the nursing program, she said she would have gotten back with me to work things out..Another carrot!

 

 

 

By October 16 we broke up…..no more sexual relations…..by mid week we were talking again…I had given her a card that basically said that I will always be there for her while she is in Nursing school…..I still love her very much, and if I have a snowball's chance in hell with us getting back together, I want to know I was there for her when she needed it most…

 

 

 

But, again as always seemed to be the case, I would drag her into conversations about us and future and frustrate her and myself. So, she said we needed to take a week and stop contact. We did and by Saturday, with the help of friends and family, I was doing great…on Sunday, she called and left a message…I did not call..trying to be strong…she called a second time and I did not answer…by Monday morning, she was calling at my work…she said she was worried about me and it was just weird I was not calling…So I shot her an email that I could not call and would not be able to have contact until maybe sometime in the new year….i informed her of the damage I was causing myself by sticking around in the relationship….she shot an email to my sister who called me and read it to me that Monday…she said in her email it was therapy to write her. She basically wrote to tell her how much she liked my family and missed them and sorry it did not work out….etc….by that evening….i got weak and decided to visit her at her new place…she let me in and told me how she was so upset with the email that she was vomiting and crying…we started talking again…still broken up though…

 

 

 

After a series of great times together (no sex) and our monthly crap discussion about us that is set off by me due to something that triggered it, I recently had to take a stand and tell her I could not stay in her life as long as I continued to have strong feelings for her. She said fine and told me it would be easier this time…for her I am sure….

 

 

 

The reason I am writing is that I am confused. I am confused by the mixed signals I have been receiving from my ex-girlfriend (we were together 3 years). Her family and Wisconsin friends are routing for me….she keeps sending me small carrots of hope…but she can't even tell me if she will revisit our relationship in some period of time.. I love her so much and would do anything to get her back, but I understand I am just hurting myself now…..

 

 

 

Currently, she has some of my things and visa versa….I have some things (baseballs signed) from her mom I am having authenticated and will sell on ebay…she has a rug, computer, microwave of mine…. come xmas…I hope to have a check for her mom and send Tori a gift for xmas through her sister….This will be the only form of contact until I am ready to try and have that friendship she seeks.

 

 

 

I hope you can shed some light on this…I worry myself to death some days and others I am mostly ok……She will be done with the program in a year, should I wait until then to contact her? Do I stick with my word and help her while she is in nursing school (it will be tough in that school)..Do I call her back if she calls?….Do you think she is just using me for the things I offer her?…I really don't want to be out of her life 100% for good because I don't want to lose touch with her emotionally? What if she meets some other guy to connect with since I am not around?

 

 

 

She is 26 and entering her first real career move with nursing school and it is very important to her to succeed with school and I more then understand that, because that is why I did my best to continue to be there with her and help her…I love her and due to all the carrots and possibilities she put out there that we may try again….One of the last things she said to me was never say never (I told her I was beginning to think we would never get back together)………and she said we are not going to get back together unless she feels it will work out…..(and with the stresses of school, she can't work on it now and I understand that)….but she does not want me to wait around for her she says…so confused!!!!

 

 

 

There is one more issue here….we have about 99% the same friends. We will end up seeing each other out most likely….what to do and how to act. I love her so much and she has told me she is confused too…

 

 

She came into a bar last night that I was in with friends (her best friend - girl - is bartending) she saw me at the door and said "hi". I said, "I thought you were out of town for thanks giving?" and she kind of gave me this look she would always give me when I did not remember her schedule and then she moved to the other side of the bar. I thought of leaving because we are on a no contact break, but I decided to stay...she was on the other side of the bar...So, I did my best to look happy, all the time thinking about her..Any way, my friend (who is her friend too now through our relationship) told me she left "bawling" and told him that she "missed hanging out with all of them"....This kind of enforces my belief sometimes that maybe she was just keeping me holding on because she has no other friends in town but mine..I wanted to call her, but I know I would just make a comment about her just wanting me around for my friends and she would deny it and we would get into this whole discussion she would want nothing to do with because she is tired of rehasing....Here is the letter I said I would send you...:

 

 

 

This is an email I sent to a friend that may provide you with some insite to the situation.

 

Dear Denice

 

"I am so confused with the situation and Tori. Does she really want me to move on? She says she does not want to date anyone because of her situation, but she does not want to hold me back....I mean, if she wanted me to just be out of her life, why would she hold onto me and give me this hope.....We were supposed to take a long break from speaking and before we decided to do it, she said to think positive while we took a break, so I did not come back from the break not wanting to talk to her or see her, etc......She says things like "my sister is routing for you", and "I thought about us and a future recently" and "if I didn't get into nursing school, I would have considered getting back together to work on the relationship"...Even, last time she called my house when I was late going to get her for an estate sale, she said she was worried that I did not pick up because I might have had a girl in bed with me.......I hear this stuff Denice, then I can't get her out of my head. She says she can't commit because she must "focus" on what lays ahead in nursing school and her career...etc....and sadly enough and against everything I have been told by friends, I understand it, because she is entering something more intense then anything she has ever done and will be overwhelmed for one year.(who knows, maybe halfway she will feel it is in the bag)...she also has the added pressure that it includes a scholarship she needs and a three year job after she graduates with a min. B average.......A lot is at stake in the next year for her. And she says, and probably rightfully so, that to focus on us would drain the energy she needs right now for her and her career. She also needs to gain her independence during all of this......so, so, difficult....All of this and I also get mixed messages that she does not want to put limits on what she can do or who she may meet...She even keeps our picture up on her table, but the other day I said, well, if you bring a guy over, the picture of us won't go off very well and she said with a bit of a laugh, I know....I wish she would just tell me to hang on, and she said she knows I would, but that it would not be fair because she does not know what the future may bring......All of this and I think it is the ultimate test of love to hold out for someone while they go through something like this."

[kalshane]

I think you are in for a long ride. Your lives are meshed thru friends and family. Both of you sound pretty confused, which is o.k... I'd be too! Strength and Determination is what you're gonna need for this one ol' boy! Strength for making a definite stand on what it is you want. Whether it is to get back with her, or moving on. Determination for sticking to your decision. I had a friend who was in a similar situation and I saw it destroy him. All that pushing and pulling. That was back in '96 and HE'S JUST NOW RECOVERING!! Since no contact is kinda out of the question, what you can do is minimize contact for now. First, try having a talk with her,in person, where you tell her that she's free to kick it with friends that you share. Ask her to not contact your family about your relationship or what she's going thru. It sounds harsh, but it's necessary. She's free to talk to any friends that you share, but you gotta ask them to not share that info with you. Then phase 2 is maybe getting your friends to come over to your house or go to their houses. Minimize the times when you actually go to a place she will be. If you see her be cordial, but refrain from talking about the relationship because things always go south from there, right? Even if you got back together, that cloud will still be there. Believe me, I know about that cloud! I feel that time, strength, and determination, will make it better for both of you. Just ride it out.

[sisterlynch]

I think that both you and the lady need to be reasonable, that she is totally alone now, and she really has no point of reference. I realize that you are hurting too, but she can't keep meeting you like this, it is too painful for the both of you. I am sensing that she may be in need of some counseling and that she should plan on making her own friends now.

 

If some of the women still like her and want to be around her -- she should make plans with them separately. She can't just show up and expect to join the party where you are a part of the party too.

 

Dealing with her is going to require some tact and some ability to be a friend now and then.

[altoids144]

Same thing happened to me... we broke up just before graduating from college BUT we had the same friends. It was difficult as it was the last chance I would see everyone but at the same time I had to deal with the breakup.

 

In the end, she backed away from friends and hung out with people she was less close with. This was because she dumped me and it was hard for me to be alone at that point.

 

When summer came, I finally had the chance to hang out with friends and not worry about contact with her as she returned to her home. But when she came back after the summer, problems started arising. I became extremely uncomfortable being around her and it was my turn to avoid my friends this time.

 

I actually ended up leaving the country .... I'm not saying necessarily you have to do this but everyone's situation is different and only you can make the decision. Think it through.

[sisterlynch]

Anything that you do is going to turn out ok eventually. She will either leave and go back to where her friends live or she will move on and find new people to be around. You need to remain nuetral as much as possible and not get overly involved in her "affairs."

[Leges39]

SisterLynch.

 

Her friends are in wisconsin and she has a minimum three years in chicago. lol....I am guessing, if something "big" doesn't happen bringing us back together, I am just going to have to suck it up and hopefully find a new girlfriend before she finds a new boyfriend....Of course, she has said all the time, she just does not want to date anyone right now..

[Leges39]

Hey Sister,

 

Why did we break up or why did she move out?

 

We broke up because she wanted to continue dating, but did not want us to attend the holidays together this year. I did not like this because it was just one more thing being removed from our relationship, so I initiated the breakup. Hell, we went to xmas together after just one month dating.

 

She tells me that we cannot get back together until she is sure about us, and that can't happen until she has her career together with nursing school. At one time she even told me she was going to work on us if she did not get into the nursing program, due to a last minute strike at a college she was attending. I will never forget how clingy she became during the strike.

 

Why did she move out: 1. She was entering this accelerated nursing program (were she got a scholarship and job after she successfully graduates - Rush is the top school in Illinois) and could not take a chance of disrupting school half way through if we had problems (she told me if she did not have the program, she would not have moved out) 2. She said she needed to gain some independence by living alone, which she has never done before (she told me later that she felt guilty about taking advantage of my kindness and depending on me so much) I even told her that she needed to not depend on me so much and to gain some independence, if only I knew she would leave. 3. She needed to know if I was the one (she said that this move away from me would allow us to see if we were meant to be together because we would find our way back if it was meant to be -- she also has told me that I am the only man she has ever considered marrying--she would have said yes in April and even was excited in May over a ring I showed to her best friend). ------now understand, after one month before she moved out, she decided to try and make it work, but with the black cloud forming over us, issues other then what we wanted to work on got in our way.....

 

 

All that said systerlynch, Tori and I had a three month slide in our relationship back in june. she started working opposite hours since May, we began experiencing resentment for each other and we began to pull away. Why resentment..? I was pulling back emotionally and supportingly because she was pulling back sexually. I think she was pulling back sexually because I was not going out as much due to a heavy work load…she would ask me to call so and so, or what is so and so doing? …Call them I would say, their your friends too…..you don't need me to go out….. I did so much for her and she stopped reciprocating and having sex with her was basically begged for by me or felt forced on her part...then after a while I found myself holding back my hugs and I love yous in bed...we began sleeping in other rooms because her restlessness and my breathing..(we had cats I was allergic to causing me to breath heavier then normal if I was not on meds). Then one day we blew up..a dinner cruise on July 25th...we both said out loud that maybe we should not be together...We needed help and did not know it...by the 9th of August, she told me she was moving. For the remainder of that month, i did everything I could to keep her and to work on it, and it worked, but the cloud of confusion and damaged trust started to sabotage it all.

 

Now, I have been reflecting probably more then necessary, but I know that woman loves me, but the timing has shifted and it may not be right until she feels good about her success in nursing school, which would be in December of 2005...or maybe sometime before that. When she has the opportunity to once again think about that kind of future with me...But what is killing me is that for me not to push her away with my neediness, I have instituted a no contact rule. not to hurt her, but to save my sanity and physical body (lost weight)...and she agrees that I need to regroup...but even though she has said she does not want me to date others, she can't ask me to wait for her (even though she knows I would) because she does not know where she will be with us....So, everyting I read about no contact is to totally illiminate her from my life as if she will not be back, and I am trying....I will even try dating...but she has always told me during this, not to take it to an extreem and to never say never with us........more confusion, sister.