3 months later and I am devastated

[motopilote]

Salut

It is not easy, i have never gone trough something this painfull day after day. I hope it never happens again, really not worth it. I never did feel so bad about myself then the last few months, but slowly i say f@@k it and go on. None of us diserved any off this, but i know revenge is being happy later and doing good. At least i hope so.I have seen nothing but good people here, that hapened to hook up with the wrong people,including me

[koline]

Hi there,

 

Just feeling terrible today, I need to write it down and share.

I feel so lonely. Week-ends are so hard now that he left me.

 

I have been thinking the whole day about us, what we used to do, times we spent together..I just wonder if all of that will ever stop ?

I try to heal, I try to focus on me... it is just that some days it is too much, I feel desesperate I can not stop questioning myself. What did I do wrong ? Why does he not love me anymore. Why is that happening to me? And more importantly, will it last forever? I do not know if I am strong enough to cope with it.

 

And in the meantime I am sure that he is having a great time with his new girlfriend. God, I do not know what I did to deserve that..

[amanda22]

the most important thing is it will not last forever! i know it hurts but it gets better with time. try to get your mind off of it any way you can (tv, paint, run talk to a friend) if one thing doesnt help, do another. weekends are hard for me too. i sit at home all day with nothing to do (i used to spend all of my time with him and now he spends it with his new gf ) you need to find ways to make yourself busy. the questions u are asking yourself are all in the past. you need to live in the now and in the future and that does not involve him. you cant learn from this experience until you are done with it, then you have retrospect without feeling horrible. the faster we accept it, the quicker we can get over it and become stronger, better people.

[motopilote]

Here is one thing i started to do. I have a post on here (g-friend broke up with me want her back) it might help you, this was the only way.

1) I do not think about the past anymore, i d'ont question myself, i did not do anything wrong, alsthough i tried for 2 months to figure it out and i drove me insane.

2) I do not think about tomorow, it does not belong to me, and who knows what might happen tomorow. For example, if someone had told me yesterday i would see my ex today and spend 5 hours with her and made out with her and everthing else, i would have said your are crazy. So you just never know what tomorow might bring our way, so why worry about it.

3) I just think about right now, not an hour away, i mean right now, this moment, not 10 minutes away, right now. This helps me cope with things and it does not stress me out anymore. I had my whole life planed and it got taken away, so in this mode of though, i d'ont disapoint myself anymore or set myself up. I have no control over anything exept my life, so why worry.

finally, the weekends are tough for me, very hard since i use to spend them with my ex doing things whe both liked to do, but i havent done them since i am afraid of runing into her at those places, and that would be painfull, very much. So mostly i go to my brothers and download music. I have found that music helps me a lot. I d'ont know what the future has for me, but i am starting to feel good about it, or maybe it is because i saw my ex, i d'ont know, i'm a little comfused. But i do those things every day.

[ebola316]

Koline, I know how you're feeling. My breakup is at 2 weeks now, and he hasn't called in 4 days. Last night was a really bad night for me too.

 

I feel like I've been beaten up by Mike Tyson. Haven't eaten or slept right. Had to go on medication. So I know what you're feeling.

 

It's a physical and emotional challenge. But the reality is I only have two options right now. Either live with the pain, or die. I really don't want to die, so what choice do I have. I can't stop the pain, maybe it will go away eventually, but for the moment, I have to live with it.

 

We can't change anything. We cant' change what is in their hearts, and their minds. We like tho think that if they called us and just heard our voice, it would be enough to change their minds. Or if they saw us, it would make things different. But it wouldn't.

 

We have to live with the pain for now. Hopefully, sometime in the future it will get better, but for the moment, it something we have to deal with.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Koline,

 

I feel that our stories are very similar. I was with my guys for 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 years. I am 28, he is 31.

 

For quite some time he was unemployed, which he hated and once he found a job I thought everything was gonna be fine again, but instead he started having doubts about our relationship and broke up with me 2.5 months ago.

 

At first he contacted me a lot, but after 1.5 months or so he stopped. Now I have not heard from him in 13 days, except for a short reply to a card I sent him.

 

Since a few days I started worrying that the next time he is going to contact me, it will be to tell me that it is completely over and that he has found somone new.

 

So when I read your story I felt like I was reading my own story a few weeks from now. I am not contacting him and would much rather he would not contact me instead of contacting me to tell me about his new gf.

 

I totally understand your pain. I have not seen or spoken to him over a month and when my sister spoke to him yesterday and told me about it, I could not stop crying for an hour or so, it just hurt so bad.

 

I dont want to receive an email from him in which he tells me that he has moved on, or get an invitation for coffee so he can tell me in person.

 

Do you recommend that I send him a mail telling him to not contact me anymore unless he wants to get back together?

 

I am also still living in the same apartment I lived in with him, and everything reminds me of him. I would love to move, but I just cant afford it at the moment.

 

Some days I am hoping that he will come back, but mostly I think that he wont.

 

You sounds quite strong, and I am impressed with how great you handled this heartache.

 

If you have any advice please let me know.

[Foz]

hey Koline,

 

Yes weekends are really tough because before all this happened you would have spent the majority of the weekend with your boyfriend and not even had to make a plan. And now them 2 days off work seem so long, the ex does leave a huge void in your social life as well dont they??

Anyways my advice is plan every weekend and evening between now and you going home!! I do not have one evening free between now and christmas. this weekend i went to a rugby match, next weekend im going to visit a friend in a different city. ive 2 gigs to go to and 2 movies to go see with a friend and the office xmas party and the other nights im just going to the gym. Im trying to distract myself as much as possible because i just dont want to think about how upset i am.

I too feel i gave him everything and it still wasnt enough for him, i feel hurt and betrayed that in the end my love and adoration for him meant nothing to him that he could just pack up and leave like that. Unfortunately im just left with hurt now and i cant even remember the good times, all i think now is how badly he hurt me and how he must never have had any respect for me to leave me like he did. i think anger and hurt and betrayal have replaced all feelings of missing him and remembering the good times which is such a shame after 3.5 years together.

I do believe that i deserve better now, how could i love someone who after 3.5 years moved all his stuff out while i was on a business trip and didnt respect me enough to even discuss his doubts or why we broke up and then move on to another girl without a thought in the world for my feelings. i cant love someone like that and he sure as hell isnt crying over me so why should i waste my life crying over someone who can discard me like that. No they dont deserve our tears.

Anger takes away alot of the missing them so if you can get angry it would be good for you!!

Anyway keep posting!!

And tryingtobestrong, i definitely think telling him not to contact you unless he wants to get back with you is a good idea. I let my ex contact me a few times and it just sent me straight back to square one again cos all that was happening was he was rejecting me every time he rang with his "i dont regret my decision" crap!! No one needs to be hurt more than they already are so tell him no contacting unless he has something positive to say!!

 

Good Luck,

 

Foz

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Foz,

 

thanks for your advice, problem is I have not heard from him in nearly 2 weeks. If I now suddenly send him a message telling him to not contact me unless he wants to get back together, is not that gonna come accross weird? As if I am just trying to have contact with him?

 

I know if I would get a message like that from him, I would surely take it as an excuse for contacting me as I have not contacted him in over 3 weeks, besides one short card.

 

But if I wait until he finally does contact me, I am worried that this one contact is going to be the one that destroys me.

 

I still believe that he is a decent, good guy. Should I just trust that he would not do a mean coldhearted thing like that?

[ebola316]

Don't trust anything about them. i never thought this guy would leave me alone on "Cold Mountain", in a half finished house we were renovating together, in the middle of winter-but he did.

 

Nothing surprises me anymore. Like I said, hope for the worst, but expect the worse.

[Foz]

so what if it comes accross as weird, you have to protect yourself from further hurt..i didnt and that is why i am now advising you to stop him contacting you because it just hurts way too much.

I wouldnt idolise him as the good decent guy either, face facts he hurt you really badly, good decent guys dont do that and the sooner you can focus on that the better it will be for you.

Also you have to remember that he is not the person you were going out with anymore, he has changed and his feelings have changed and if you can focus in on that it will help too.

i just kept repeating to myself that my ex had changed and he wasnt the person he was when he was with me. I didnt change, im still the open hearted, kind and trusting girl i always was. He changed and his feelings changed and i cant change it back but maybe someone else out there someday will appreciate me for who i am...

Basically what im saying is you are still the same person, it is they who changed, you did nothing wrong so dont torture yourself with "what if's".

It is his Loss. You are still the amazing person you were when you were with him and some day you will allow someone new into your heart who will adore you and never hurt or leave you!!

We believe in Love so lets leave our hearts open to the possiblity of finding it again!!

[koline]

Hi everybody,

 

Well I feel a bit better today. I never thought I could say that but work helps me a lot by keeping me busy! I am going to France next saturday, and that is a strong help too. 2 weeks away, meeting my friends and family.

I know that coming back here in January will be quite hard, but I also decided to move on with my life. I will try to find a new apartment, and possibly do some activities to meet people. As you said Foz, the ex leave a huge void in the social life... In my case I came here with him, and during one year as it was not my country and I did not have many contacts I spent all my spare time with him and his old friends. So that is why it is so hard now (I will not repeat this mistake ever).

 

Tryingtobestrong, I just want to tell you that you should not contact him. Not even to tell him that you want NC. If he tries to contact you, then you can tell him to forget it, if his feelings have not change. I believe that if someone leaves you and wants you back he will let you know by any means. If he does not and just calls to be nice, or "honest" you will get more hurt. Just my experience... It is strange how similar is your story: my boyfriend left me just one month and a half after starting his new job. And before that I was (his word not mines) "the only positive thing in his life".

 

Today I sent him an email. I guess I am just in the angry stage and I needed to tell him what I thought about his behaviour, so I did. I told him I could not understand how he could have suddenly doubts and leave me in 15 days, and that telling me two weeks ago about his new gf was either egoism or a complete lack of emotional intelligence. I also told him I would never be a friend for him (as he asked me that last time I saw him).

 

I do not expect an answer and told him not to write back. I was just angry and felt that as I was so desesperate last time we met I could not make clear what he did wrong. It was very important to me. But I guess it helps if you feel that there is no turning back and you need closure, that is where I am now.

 

Keep in touch,

 

Koline