Telling an ex about a new boyfriend?

[purple_monster]

Do I/Should I/How do I tell my ex about a new guy in my life?

 

We broke up a few months ago (after 4+ years including a last year of poorly executed long distance), and I started dating soon after, mostly as a distraction. I ended up meeting someone who i hit it off with really well, even though I dragged my feet as much as possible at the beginning.

 

Ex and I haven't really talked since the breakup. We've communicated a few times for logistical reasons. Since it was long distance, he came out here a month after the breakup so we could get our stuff back and say goodbye in person.

 

At that point, I felt that if certain things changed, I would be willing to try it again. As time passes, however, and I get more distance, I'm realizing that I was making too much of a compromise, and that getting back together is a really bad idea. I haven't shared any of this thought process with him.

 

He might come out here sometime soon for business, and I agreed to meet up with him when he does. Do I owe it to him to tell him that a) I don't think we are ever getting back together and/or b) I am seeing someone new?

 

How did you break the news to an ex? Did you? Is it better to tell them yourself or have them find out from someone else? Do you need to tell them it's really over, if you didn't think it necessarily was when your head wasn't as clear?

[JohnnyTable]

I find that it is best to show him that it is really over rather than to tell him that it is really over. People do not listen to words too often (for example, my friend keeps telling her ex that she does not love him anymore yet keeps sleeping with him. He sees the action, not the words).

 

My advice would be to not see him when he comes out. You don't need to give a reason or excuse. However since you already agree to meet up with him... not sure how to handle that.

[RayKay]

I think it is up to you and depends on your relationship with your ex.

 

I told my last ex about my current relationship because he and I do have a good friendship now and talk often and hang out regularly. I have even asked him for some advice, and given him advice on his own dating issues and there is no problems between us in doing so...but some ex's would not be able to do that I know due to jealousy or hurt feelings.

 

If you two are close I would share it with him or let him know you are seeing someone else, but do it more casually...like let him know you are seeing someone without being obvious otherwise it might sound like you are trying to make him jealous. But, if you two are not I don't think it is really any of his business or even something you need to bring up. If he asks, be honest, but otherwise, keep it to yourself.

 

Peace.

[caveat]

Do I/Should I/How do I tell my ex about a new guy in my life?

 

In a word: No.

 

If you had left a question mark in place when you parted I might answer differently, but you made it clear your relationship was over, he respected your decision and let you go. I don't think it does either of you any good to reiiterate that its over and that you are moving on.

[purple_monster]

If you had left a question mark in place when you parted I might answer differently

 

caveat, I'm kind of afraid I left part of a question mark when it was over, because I couldn't see things clearly. Should I explicitly tell him there's no question mark anymore? On the other hand, maybe I said enough before and I shouldn't try to pour more salt into the wound.

 

johnnytable -- it's not so much that I want to tell him about the new boyfriend because I want to show him it's over -- it's more that I want him to move on too. It's so hard for me to move on knowing that he hasn't yet. But I guess I don't have to wait for a green light from him.

 

But you all are right I think -- there's no point in telling him and it won't do anyone any good. It's just hard to feel like i'm not hiding something from him by not telling him what's going on in my life.

[caveat]

It's just hard to feel like i'm not hiding something from him by not telling him what's going on in my life.

 

In my admittedly amateur opinion, I tend to think that feelings of guilt such as what you expressed above (i.e. not informing him of a new man in your life and an affirmation that the break was the right decision) is completely natural. However, acting on those feelings and informing him of whats going on in your life is not the answer. Rather, you need to find peace with the fact that your lives have parted and what happens in each other's lives is, frankly, neither of the other person's business or concern any longer.

 

Great if you can find common ground that allows you to speak on friendly terms without residual feelings of the past relationship cropping up, but it seems to me that you are far from that.

 

'Hiding something' would be the appropriate feeling if you were still in a relationship with him.....

 

Caveat

[ForAnother]

I think Caveat is right is saying "no." My ex broke with me, and about 2 weeks after the break-up I think she (we are young) immaturely called and told me she was dating someone new... It was a stab at me to see how I was doing. I thereforeeee told her that we shouldn't talk anymore.

 

Anywho, I think that he doesn't need to know (he probably assumes you are dating I would think, unless he is naive). Why tell him? If he asks tell him the truth. (most guys say "Any new men in your life?" kinda thing) Which you respond with a simple yes, maybe his name, and then I would suggest moving the subject away from your bf. I would think it doesn't need to be discussed.. and especially none of his business, unless you want it to be his business.

 

ForAnother

[SkyFire]

/Should I/

 

No.

 

He has moved on with his life.

[quintana]

"it's not so much that I want to tell him about the new boyfriend because I want to show him it's over -- it's more that I want him to move on too."

 

In my experience that would be one and the same thing.

 

I only began truly moving on when my ex-girlfriend informed me that she was seeing someone new. Before that I still had hope, even confidence, that we would get back together. But then again my ex had been one big question mark for months after breaking up with me, so the need for closure might have been more urgent than in the case of you and your ex.

 

I think you might be helping him move on by telling him, but it really depends on the vagueness/resolution with which you broke up with him. And hopefully he has already moved on.

 

Take care.

 

- Quintana

[JohnnyTable]

I did not move on myself until I found out that my ex was seeing somebody new, so I think it helps in that regard.

[purple_monster]

Great, now you've all complicated it by giving me both answers!

[emma34]

I don't think you should have to tell him. You can if you want to - but I don't think you should feel the need to. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and haev recently started dating someone, but not seriously yet. I am not even considering telling my ex, whom I still talk to, but rarely. Your ex should realize that you are over by now. How would you feel if we was going out with someone new, and felt the need to tell you? do you think you would want to know? Tell him on a need-to-know basis. Hope i helpdd.

[Maynard]

If he want to get back with you , you should tell him

 

I was trying to get back with my Ex and she never told me she had someone else.

 

I found out 2 month later it really did hurt me and now its even harder to get over her because i feel so hurt and betrayed.

[purple_monster]

An update --

 

My ex's trip fell through, and I checked in with him today. He told me he wasn't doing well, that is was really hard without me, and the guilt just started tumbling out. I told him I didn't know what I was doing, that I wanted him to move on and didn't want to be purposely mean. I think he's still hanging on -- I think he's still hoping we can get back together.

 

I'd been doing so well not talking to him, and today suddenly I felt awful about it. Why am I ignoring him? Why don't I offer my friendship and support? Why do I keep limiting my responses to his emails to only a sentence or two, and don't answer his inquiries about how I'm doing?

 

And then after our conversation, I am reminded that talking to him probably doesn't help him at all. Because I have too much to say that I probably shouldn't say.

[purple_monster]

This weekend I took a little trip to visit the new beau's friends. While there, my ex called -- he had just had acl surgery a couple days before. We chatted for a little while about his surgery, but I had to go -- but the whole time I was freaking out about what to say. I felt so evasive. I didn't want to say, oh i'm on a road trip with the new guy i'm dating. I was sort of afraid he was going to ask me what I was up to at the moment. Eeek. So I'm going to call him back today or so, and I think I'm going to mention that I'm seeing someone. I'm terrified.

[FleX]

You mentioned that you have a new flame. Why not explore the possibility with him instead of going back to all your problems in the first place? If indeed you and your ex have addressed the issues that made you break up then maybe over time you two would get back. If you don't see that happening... move on.

[purple_monster]

oh, it's not about getting back together with the ex. that's out of the picture. it's being in this sticky situation where once a month the ex and i speak, and i feel like i'm avoiding the subject because i haven't decided if i'm going to tell him i'm dating someone else, or if i should just let the news trickle through the grapevine (and accross the country). it's also about common decency, like not refusing to talk to him when he calls and asks how i'm doing.

[amanda22]

i think if its causing you THIS much discomfort, you need to tell him. i have a feeling once you do, itll be a weight lifted off your shoulders...