What happens when ex breaks your NC

[Iceman26]

Anytime twiggs, you are welcome. Keep us posted if anything else happens.

[kalshane]

No problem, anytime dude.

[twiggs]

she called me last night. She said she really missed talking to me, and i was her best friend. I was avoiding talking about us and she said " Why are you affraid to talk about us?" whats going on here. Did she call because she really missed talking to me? or is there somthing behind it? She even called my buddy to find out where i was. I said i dont want to talk about this over the phone, and asked if i could meet her somwhere, she said she had a friend coming over for 2 days so she couldnt. Im not going to call her, im going to wait for her to call me. she asked how i felt talking to her, or if i dont want her calling me anymore. I didnt know what to say, so i left it up to hermagination. She asked how i felt about her as a person, and asked if i hated her? What the heck do i do know?

[Iceman26]

Dude, tell her what we talked about earlier in this post.

[twiggs]

Ice, id be lying if i said the phone call didnt mess me up a little. I told her that she f-ed me over and i couldnt be no #2 man. She had no answers she just listened, and took it. Since we broke up, she never just took anything i said she always had a follow up response, not wednesday. Anytime i couldnt answer a question, she say "Thats not gonna do it for me, I need an answer" So i guess what we talked about didnt phase her.

 

She called me last night and asked if i had called and hung up when she answered..I asked her if the number that showed up, if it was mine, and she said no. I didnt call her. She immediately asked what i was doing, and i said driving home, take care of yourself, and hung up.....Its good to be short, but not rude right? Because after the last few phone calls, im beginning to miss her a whole lot more. I think im gonna have to (if she calls) let a few phone calls go to the machine, for a few days..Throw it at me fella's

[Iceman26]

I knew the phone calls would mess you up man, thats why I suggested you cut them off. Why put yourself through the pain, you know?

 

Ask her why she keeps calling. If she says its because she cares, shes full of shiza.

 

You are a better person than I am; it is better to be short than it is rude. I myself prefer immediate results that sometimes I can only get by being rude. For example, when I dont want someone to call me, I am rude.

[twiggs]

i see. As much as i didnt want her back, after i hung up the phone i was praying she'd call back. Ive been hanging out with other girls, doing the single thing. Having some fun, but she is consistant with her phone calls. She even called my buddy to see where i was, because i wasnt answering my phone. Now if she was completely happy w/ her "sudden" relationship she would not be calling...consistantly, just to tell me she missed talking to me, you where my best friend...bullshiza (thats for you Ice) I believe theres somthing behind it, im just affraid to ask.....

[Switch187]

Twiggs you cant live a happy life with being scared. You need to take risks to find happiness, and you will never know how to be happy if your fears keep you from taking new leaps. Next time she calls, lay it on the line with her. Tell her to stop calling you, and be rude if necessary. I understand you don't/can't be rude to her (I find it hard to be rude/short with my g/f, especially during the "break" period we were in) but if it's the only way, then it's the only way. If you feel there's something behind her calls, lay it out on her. Tell her that you don't want/need her to keep checking up on you since your happy and living your own life now, just like she should. If she keeps saying that you "were" best friends (I found that funny since she said "were" and not "are") then just throw it back and say "Yeah we "were" best friends when we were close, now there's nothing between us" or something along those lines. Also if you she's just "taking" what your saying and not responding, you can also throw the "That's not gonna do it for me" quote that she gave to you, this way she can give you a final answer. Tell her your fed up with this, your not together and you don't want to hear from her everyday just because she misses you. If she misses you that much she wouldn't still be in a relationship with someone else and would be trying her best to show you that your the person she wnats to be with. Instead she's making you feel like your her "last resort" if things don't work, and that's not going to work for you. You can't keep giving her the "loop hole" that she has in knowing that she can keep calling you whenever she wants (by not answering your phone, she just calls later. When you do answer, you still leave things "open" so she can call again). Make her next call her last one, and make sure she knows that it is her last call until things change the way YOU want them to change. I know a lot of this is easier said than done, but you've been putting yourself through the blender for a while know and I think it's time for you to just get out know before you really get lost/hurt.

[twiggs]

show my hand, show her hand...thats what im going to have to do. Would this hurt any chances of us getting back together, because ive come to face i would not be on "Getting back together" portion of this website, if i didnt want to make it work. I move on she pulls me back, i move on she pulls me back. I have yet to break NC i need it to lick my wounds, she breaks it, granted i answer maybe 1/3rd of the calls, they become more despirate. However, if we talk again, I will lay down my hand.....hopefully she doesnt call my bluff

[Iceman26]

Do your really want her back now that she dumped you for another guy? Do you think this guy magically appeared right after she dumped you?

 

People just dont get into relationships in a matter of days man, unless ther are 13-16 years old. Chances are she was cheating on you while you guys were together bro, and I think you know that.

 

Even if you got back together with her, you would always be paranoid that she would do it again, and history repeats itself.

[shockeddismayed]

I dunno...

 

I think you could lay it on the line, but if she is still confused, it isn't going to work IMO.

 

You are better off to lead by your actions. Give it a week of her frantic calls (with you not answering) and see if she has anything substantial to say, like "I broke up with him". If not, keep up the full NC.

 

The advantage of this is that you avoid a potential conflict by telling her to "never call again". If you point out just how unfair she is being, it puts up an insurmountable barrier that she can never cross. Imagine that she eventually realizes she is willing to try again, but after all of this time, you gave her the ultimatum to never call again. She looks at her feelings (wanting to try) looks at her doubts (not being sure, which is TOTALLY natural) and then looks at how terribly she treated you (b/c you pointed it out with your "never call") and then decides that she can't justify calling you. In fact she doesn't call you because she cares and doesn't trust herself enough to know she'll FOR SURE get over her doubts.

 

Long story short, if you want her back, you need to avoid two things:

1) Big conflicts (which can happen when you tell her to not call)

2) Tapping into her guilt and building barriers.

 

By just not returning her calls, you can always smooth things over when she totally blows up about it (and she will), but at least then, after you explain things calmly, that you have no choice but to call it quits eventually. And it gives her pause to ask herself why she is so upset by it.

 

Food for thought.

[twiggs]

thanks fellas. Ice i actually asked her if she cheated on me when i talked to her. Wait she brought it up. She said "What, you think I cheated on you?" I siad i dont know, but i hope not. I'm going to do this. If she calls. I will let her know that i wont be anybodys #2, especially after I have been engaged with them. just 6 weeks ago. Second, I wont talk to her if shes still dating this other guy, unless she breaks up with him, or takes obvious steps. Actually nothing short of breaking up. Even than, she is going to have to do some serious wooing. Im not going to ask her to stop calling, im just not going to answer, let her actions surface. She dumped me, but yet i feel as if i have the cards in my hand. NC will remain in place. Now, i cant help the fact that she calls my buddy to find out where i am or what im doing. Last night she said she missed me and loved me still, she was just so angry at me for smothering her. Im a Deputy in a small town, i was constantly worried someone would take out their anger against me on her, somthing I have to live with. She didnt understand.How does this sound? I agree a Ice, i dont know if i couldever fully trust her. On the other hand, if she dumped me than began a physical relationship with this other dude, I'm glad she did it know not 10 years later, after kids and house, etc.....

[Iceman26]

Thats true twiggs, better you find out now rather than later.

 

You know what you have to do man, keep me posted on what happens.

[twiggs]

Thanks Ice, appreicate the help/ advice. Anything happens i'll throw on the thread. A little time away for someone either strenghens your relationship, or makes you realise you dont need it. We'll see what happens.

[shockeddismayed]

hey twiggs,

 

sorry to be joining your story late. hope you don't mind the unsolicited advice.

 

1) I like your moderated plan. Stick to that and things will be fine.

 

2) I'm worried about her answer to you regarding cheating on you. Thing is, it doesn't sound like she answered straight away. If I were you, I'd sit with the idea that she DID cheat on you and chew on it for a while. Not that I am saying she did, and not that I am trying to make you think about something unpleasant, but her answer makes my skin crawl.

 

I got a very similar answer from my EXGF about that issue, followed quickly by a denial. But now I am looking back on it, and seeing that her " you think I would cheat" was just buying her a bit of time to decide how to truly answer the question. She lied at first, but eventually came clean with the truth.

 

Prepare yourself for this.... if you guys do start to try to work things out, she may reveal things that she couldn't/wouldn't earlier in the breakup. Everyone goes through some confusion (obviously, otherwise no breakup), but you need to be ready to know just how much you are willing to tolerate. For example, you wouldn't want to fly off the handle about a disclosure that after a few days you'd realize didn't matter to you all that much.

 

Obviously these are individual questions, and ones that I think you should prepare yourself for so that you give the response that you feel comfortable with long-term.

 

S&D

[twiggs]

Hey S&D. i Aprreciate the advice. Can you elaborate on your last suggestion. If she starts to reveal? Cheating on me, or likeing him? I quite curious, and believe you may be on to somthing. You have read entire thread? thoughts?

[ebola316]

Twiggs, I'm in a similar situation. He left last week and keeps calling. When I ask him what he wants, he just says he wants to know how I'm doing and everything. How the hell does he think I'm doing? Everytime I hung up I got more depressed. So tonight I just unplugged the phone and turned off the cell. If he has anything substantial to say, he knows where I live, he can say it to my face. My best advice is don't talk to her. She's only upsetting you. It makes you think and dissect and pick apart every little thing she said to see if there's a shred of hope involved. Thats not healthy for people like us at this point. What if she decides to stop calling after we get used to all these phone calls and stuff. We'll be doubly-devastated. My advise-just don't talk to her. believe me, if they wanted us back we would know it.

[bdub]

I know you threw out the NC plan awhile ago, but it is there for a reason. The whole point of the NC rule is to allow yourself to decompress a little bit. Right now you are both so wrapped up in this thing that you can't see straight. NC gives you both time to think things through and act on your thoughts instead of your feelings.

 

All I'm saying is I'd encourage you to take a few steps back for awhile. Let your mind clear a little, and hers aswell. It may seem like you aren't getting any clearer, but it will happen. When you know that you can deal with her with a clear head, then its time to come back to the table, but not before.

 

Good luck

bdub

[brokenheartednow]

Hi There,

 

I can totally relate to you. I know you are happy she is finally calling you and you don't want to push her away or piss her off b/c you are afraid that you'll never get back together with her again. But she's totally being unreasonable by expecting you to talk this out with her to make HER feel better when she is the one that dicked you over and has a new b/f. You aren't the one with the new g/f, you aren't the one that broke it off!

 

Ideally, you should tell her to call you when she figures it out and she's single and MAYBE you'll be there, willing, and free as well. But while she's still involved with this other dude and she's confused about you and him, she needs to get her sh*t together and call you when she's figured it out instead of wounding you (breaking up with you) and throwing salt on it (calling you and disrupting your peace of mind).

 

But I know that the heart and the head wants very different things so I'm not going to tell you to do this. Instead try to make every effort you can to stay detached from the situation. Try not to get your hopes up everytime she calls you. If you do talk to her, try and stay neutral and not let it get to you.

 

Good Luck.

[twiggs]

thanks for the advice guys. One thing that helps me is i work nights, so if she does call im not there to answer the cell. I have no idea if she still is in the relationship, she has apologised to me and to me through my buddy for getting in a relationship so soon, which is bull.

 

I agree if she wants to be with me, she will let it be known. After i stopped accepting her calls, she finally left a messege saying hello call me if you'd like, next day she left another messege " I really need to talk to you, please call me" Well i didnt call and the next day she called again, I answered and she said she "misses talking to me" as i stated before. Is that a hoax, or is she uncertain and just trying to hold me on till she decides, or if it doesnt work?

[ebola316]

She is just trying to keep you available in case the fling with the new one doesn't work out. Why bother to let her have that kind of power over you. Like I said, in a previous post, if they wanted us back, we'd be the first to know it. Mine was calling every night too. This time I unplugged the phone from the wall, so he wouldn't even be able to leave a message. All they are doing is messing up our heads. If things work out with the new one, they'll stop calling soon enough. Then we'll feel worse.

[twiggs]

hmmm...well NC is still in place, and will continue to be in place. I honestly hope your wrong, but i feel as though your right. Everyone who has responded is right in some asspect. Best thing to do is NC, dont answer calls, or number the calls you do answer. Than hopefully they will see what their missing. I'll keep in touch