6 weeks post break-up and more depressed than ever!

[StephyNY]

My ex and I have such a long history that started when we were neighbors in the same building. That neighborly love affair went on for about 2 years. Then he moved out and said he needed a break from the intensity of it. Caused me to meltdown then, took months to get over. Then we started having sex again for 2 years and all the while I wanted more and he didn't. Then I finally find a guy I really liked and told the ex no more sex or anything. It was then that he realized he wanted to make the commitment. So here I am, 4 years later. We were together for 4 years, and during those 4 years our relationship endured a lot of outside complications. We were both laid off, broke, went to school together, started new careers, couldn't move in together because it wasn't feasible financially and then we had no sex life. The last year or so I became very testy and irritable because my life was becoming very very stressful financially. In general, I was not a happy person, and either was he. We started bickering and fighting, we didn't live together and that was a big source of fighting and we had no sex life. BUT we did love each other immensly and couldn't imagine life without each other. There were moments we were so frustrated with the situation that both of us wanted out, but we didn't REALLY, or we would done it. Then 6 weeks ago he had dinner with his overburdening mother and somehow had a mental breakdown telling her about everything. He got hysterical and frantic and had to be medicated. He told me that he needed space but couldn't tell me what would happen at the end of the space. I lasted about a week being cool with this and then I told him if he can't tell me he wants to work it out, then we are broken up, which is true. I have been devastated by this. Our dog, who is really my dog, is devastated by this. He got so sick last week and the Vet said it was stress related. So I cried for me and for my dog because he lost his daddy and his best friend. Mommys are much different. He was my whole world. I live in Manhattan, and all my female friends are dispersed all over the country. With the exception of my mother and my ex, I really don't have a big support network. So, in these ensuing 6 weeks I have been physically alone most of the time(except with my dog), which after a while can make you nutty. I have been so weak in calling him just to tell him how miserable I am and he always wants to talk to me and tell me how emotionally unstable he is but how he still loves me and is suffering through it just as bad. We all know the person who walks away suffers much differently than the person who get walked away from. Of course he doesn't see it as he walked away, but he did!!! I am so hurt and sad and leveled by this, not to mention the relationship took place in my world, not his, so all the memories are in my apartment and my neighborhood, not his. He doesn't have to deal with any of that. In addition he went out on day 2 of his breakdown and adopted a 6-month old pit bull puppy, which totally broke my heart and changed everything I had know as our lives for 4 years, because now it would never be the same again, not to mention how heartbroken my dog would be to see daddy sleeping with another dog inbetween his legs at night. I feel so betrayed. Every time I talk to him (I know, mistake number 1) he tells me how he wants to see me and give me a big hug because he cares so much about me and loves me but he just can't emotionally handle the fighting and the bad stuff. I know for me that I see now what I did wrong in all of this, and I can only bring the awareness to the table and try it a different way, but he REFUSES to give it a try. Like someone is holding a gun to his head. He says he is so weak, but look how strong he is! He did it, he isn't looking back, and he hasn't waivered at all! It is so hard for me to put almost 7 years of my life behind me. I thought for the first few weeks that he woudl snap out of it, but now at week 6, it is clear to me that that is not happening and I am dealing with it all over again. I am so alone and sad and sometimes have only him to talk to. My doctor gave me some Adivan to take to get through the hard times, but I think anti-depressants are starting to sound really good. By the way, he is on on anti-depressants and attributes feeling less stressed and more like his old self to not being with me, or as he puts it "us", when everyone knows it's the anti-depressant! He isn't even feeling any of this like I am!!! As you can see, I am distraught, distressed, lonely, a mess. I just want to be happy, one way or the other! I just want to be happy again! I never thought at 30 I would be tossed back into this dating world again and it's so awful, all of it, my biggest fears...help me, please, I'm going crazy with grief and depression.

 

 

If anyone in NYC, Manhattan is reading this and is suffering too and needs a pal to see a movie with, whatever, please contact me!

[Marketa]

You need to find out if the breakdown had anything to do with you or if it was just his life he was distressed. Being a fellow New Yorker I know how hard it can be to get security in the work place and maybe he was so stressed about the future that he freaked out. If he is on medication he might have a social disorder that he needs therapy to get through and it might not be any fault of his own.

 

Bottom line if he has left the relationship and doesnt want it calling him or bothering him about it may not be good because he might right you off and blame his health for it. Try to just be his friend as see if when he feels better if he wants to restart where you left off. No sex shows depression in men so maybe once he gets over it and starts feeling sexual he will give you a call.

 

As for him getting a dog, since he too had a loss his therapist might have told him to get something he can love to comfort him.

 

There are a million groups for you to join in NYC where you can meet single people for friends or whatever that are not in singles bars - you should join your local dog walking group or find something else you have an intrest in and keep busy. Do you work? Go out to happy hour or take in the new Moma just get your self out of the house and you will start feeling better. The ball is in his court dont chase it just sit back and wait for his next move.

 

Please feel free to write to me privately.

 

Marketa

[thisisnotanexit]

hey

you're gonna be ok. you sound like an amazing person and you will love again and be happy before you know it. you've got so much to offer..never forget that! we're all here for you.

[vetgirl]

"I never thought at 30 I would be tossed back into this dating world again and it's so awful, all of it, my biggest fears...help me, please, I'm going crazy with grief and depression"

 

I am 30 and moving back to NYC in May and couldn't be more excited about the prospect of all the guys I'll be able to meet and date there! It's all about your mindset. I know it's hard to think about it now, but 30 is not the end of the world and NYC is a great place to meet men. Use your dog to help you out! That's what I'm planning on doing! You can meet someone tomorrow and be married by this summer. Stranger things have happened! Like I said, you just have to change your mindset.

[Survictor]

It sounds to me as if your relationship has never been particularly healthy I am sorry to say. It sounds as if this man will always fail to commit to you and you have lots of love, friendship, loyalty to give to someone who will also reciprocate and offer you committment but you have to find the right person first.

 

I agree with vetgirl that you need to alter your mindset. You are feeling very negative right now when you should see this as a new opportunity. It is hard to move on when you are scared of the unknown but that is what you must do now.

 

When he bought a new puppy, it was a signal to you that what you shared is now in the past.

 

It is time to journey on a new path.

 

Make it a good one.