My ex and I have such a long history that started when we were neighbors in the same building. That neighborly love affair went on for about 2 years. Then he moved out and said he needed a break from the intensity of it. Caused me to meltdown then, took months to get over. Then we started having sex again for 2 years and all the while I wanted more and he didn't. Then I finally find a guy I really liked and told the ex no more sex or anything. It was then that he realized he wanted to make the commitment. So here I am, 4 years later. We were together for 4 years, and during those 4 years our relationship endured a lot of outside complications. We were both laid off, broke, went to school together, started new careers, couldn't move in together because it wasn't feasible financially and then we had no sex life. The last year or so I became very testy and irritable because my life was becoming very very stressful financially. In general, I was not a happy person, and either was he. We started bickering and fighting, we didn't live together and that was a big source of fighting and we had no sex life. BUT we did love each other immensly and couldn't imagine life without each other. There were moments we were so frustrated with the situation that both of us wanted out, but we didn't REALLY, or we would done it. Then 6 weeks ago he had dinner with his overburdening mother and somehow had a mental breakdown telling her about everything. He got hysterical and frantic and had to be medicated. He told me that he needed space but couldn't tell me what would happen at the end of the space. I lasted about a week being cool with this and then I told him if he can't tell me he wants to work it out, then we are broken up, which is true. I have been devastated by this. Our dog, who is really my dog, is devastated by this. He got so sick last week and the Vet said it was stress related. So I cried for me and for my dog because he lost his daddy and his best friend. Mommys are much different. He was my whole world. I live in Manhattan, and all my female friends are dispersed all over the country. With the exception of my mother and my ex, I really don't have a big support network. So, in these ensuing 6 weeks I have been physically alone most of the time(except with my dog), which after a while can make you nutty. I have been so weak in calling him just to tell him how miserable I am and he always wants to talk to me and tell me how emotionally unstable he is but how he still loves me and is suffering through it just as bad. We all know the person who walks away suffers much differently than the person who get walked away from. Of course he doesn't see it as he walked away, but he did!!! I am so hurt and sad and leveled by this, not to mention the relationship took place in my world, not his, so all the memories are in my apartment and my neighborhood, not his. He doesn't have to deal with any of that. In addition he went out on day 2 of his breakdown and adopted a 6-month old pit bull puppy, which totally broke my heart and changed everything I had know as our lives for 4 years, because now it would never be the same again, not to mention how heartbroken my dog would be to see daddy sleeping with another dog inbetween his legs at night. I feel so betrayed. Every time I talk to him (I know, mistake number 1) he tells me how he wants to see me and give me a big hug because he cares so much about me and loves me but he just can't emotionally handle the fighting and the bad stuff. I know for me that I see now what I did wrong in all of this, and I can only bring the awareness to the table and try it a different way, but he REFUSES to give it a try. Like someone is holding a gun to his head. He says he is so weak, but look how strong he is! He did it, he isn't looking back, and he hasn't waivered at all! It is so hard for me to put almost 7 years of my life behind me. I thought for the first few weeks that he woudl snap out of it, but now at week 6, it is clear to me that that is not happening and I am dealing with it all over again. I am so alone and sad and sometimes have only him to talk to. My doctor gave me some Adivan to take to get through the hard times, but I think anti-depressants are starting to sound really good. By the way, he is on on anti-depressants and attributes feeling less stressed and more like his old self to not being with me, or as he puts it "us", when everyone knows it's the anti-depressant! He isn't even feeling any of this like I am!!! As you can see, I am distraught, distressed, lonely, a mess. I just want to be happy, one way or the other! I just want to be happy again! I never thought at 30 I would be tossed back into this dating world again and it's so awful, all of it, my biggest fears...help me, please, I'm going crazy with grief and depression.
If anyone in NYC, Manhattan is reading this and is suffering too and needs a pal to see a movie with, whatever, please contact me!
