"Caring" for someone is so stressful... v_v

[MattW]

I find myself in a bit of a distressing situation, and I'm not sure what the best solution is. There's a girl I know that I had very strong romantic feelings for last year, but she turned down my advance, and we still know each other, but we've been on very iffy terms for a while now. She's been dating this guy I used to know (a guy I hated for reasons before they were an item), and she's also been very friendly with another mutual friend that she used to date who had cheated on her.

 

So where do I come in? Well, regardless of where I stand with her, I still care for her, and lately, I can tell something is going on with her. Yesterday, she seemed very... off, and she spent a lot of time with her ex, and perhaps it was just my imagination, but I got the sense they were specifically trying to be quiet around me and keep their conversations away from me specifically.

 

Now, I understand that what's going on with her is none of my business, and I'd never try to force myself into her life. But it's hard to sit by and see her like this. Putting my past feelings aside, I still care about her, I want her to be happy, and I want to know she's doing okay, and right now, it seems like she's really not doing so well. For whatever dumb reason, seeing her this way makes me feel bad. I felt so uncomfortable yesterday knowing something was up and I couldn't do anything about it. I had a rough night with not a lot of sleep because she kept popping into my head. Even now, I feel kind of sick to my stomach.

 

I know it's stupid to care about someone that really doesn't seem to want to let you in, and right about now, I wish I knew how to stop "caring". I just wish I knew that she was okay, and if she isn't, I wish I could help out in whatever way I could. I wonder if she even knows I feel this way, or if she just thinks it'd all be too difficult for me to hear, considering it probably has to deal with her boyfriend and/ or another guy. Actually, I have a hunch as to what it may be, but I have zero evidence to back that up; if I'm right, I would find it a bit upsetting internally, but still, I wish I could be there for her, and it's so hard to not be. Does that make sense?

[ParisPaulette]

They were likely being secretive around you, because one or both of them have realized you care about her more than just as a friend. They aren't shutting you out, because she's in trouble. They're shutting you out, because she's with him and he's with her and they both know you want that position and it's making them uncomfortable.

 

You need to stop worrying about her, her own life is hers to manage and in the end nothing you say or do can make her happy. Focus on your own life and finding someone that you can freely and openly shower attention and affection on who does the same back. Anything less is just doing yourself a disservice.

[MattW]

They were likely being secretive around you, because one or both of them have realized you care about her more than just as a friend. They aren't shutting you out, because she's in trouble. They're shutting you out, because she's with him and he's with her and they both know you want that position and it's making them uncomfortable.

 

Er, well, just to clarify, she's not with her ex. She's with another guy, but she, her ex, and myself are all mutual acquaintances that see each other fairly regularly. I only briefly encounter her current boyfriend every now and then. Yes, she and her ex both know I had feelings for her. I can just tell that something is going on, whether it involves her current boyfriend or not, and it just bums me out that she's keeping her ex in the loop about whatever it is, but not me.

 

Anyway, I get what you're saying as far as separating myself from her. The truth is, I don't WANT to "care" for her and what's going on in her life, it's just hard not to. Besides, I'm at a point where I don't believe I'll ever find someone that I share a mutual attraction with, so I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing that I wish I could be there for someone that doesn't reciprocate anything for me. That's just how the world works for me, really.

[MattW]

I mean, I understand that this is all out of my control, but I just can't stop feeling bad and wishing there was something I could do. I feel bad because she's going through something, I feel bad because she obviously doesn't feel comfortable with me, or doesn't like me, or whatever, enough to confide stuff to me, instead of some bonehead that cheated on her.

 

I absolutely understand that I shouldn't concern myself with her life, and I shouldn't concern myself with this stuff. I understand what I "should" and "shouldn't" do. But that doesn't help to make the actual feelings go away. What am I supposed to do about that?

[mhowe]

Get focused on your own life. Seriously. That is the sum total of the advice --- focus on yourself. She isn't homeless, nor without friends she can confide, regardless of what you think of them.

[blueidealist24]

You're just going to have to forget about it as best as you can, even though you can't completely forget about it. You shouldn't care that much about her because she probably only cares about you about a quarter as much. If you were having a problem she'd probably think about it in passing for a few minutes but then wouldn't give too much thought to it later. I'm really wondering how good of a girl she actually is, if she's into guys who cheat on her and stuff. You might be seeing her as better than she really is, which often happens when romantic feelings are involved. I wouldn't suggest saying anything to her about any of this stuff, because I remember what happened at your work the last time you did so (someone telling the manager you were bothering her). I think she and the other guy might be avoiding you because your worry about this situation might be making you act a little odd or at least awkward, even if you don't realize you're acting that way.