Getting desperate...

[VirginiaW]

There seems to be an overload of unhappy and unwanted pregnancies on this forum, so my thread here, will probably be the odd one out... but nevertheless, I need a hug.

 

I'm getting desperate, on the verge of insanity with want of a child. I have wanted a child (children) for the past 8 years. My SO and I have been together 4 years... and I have been aching to go baby-project since day 1, but I've been respecting his wish to wait a bit. Now I've "waited a bit" for 3½ years. He still says he does not feel quite ready... Yes, yes, he wants children... just not right now.

I'm going mad. I'm 28, I no longer have forever, but most of all: I am aching, to the point of obsession, with the wish to have a child. It is getting to the point where I feel it starting to affect my feelings towards my SO, I feel myself beginning to get irritated and impatient with him for being so hesitant. I've been biting my lip for so long now, tried to talk to him, tried to make deals... and he still says "well, not right now".

 

I do not know what to do...............

[Breea]

Hi, I can tell you are very frustrated about your want to have children now. But, how does your SO feel about YOUR feelings about it? Is he aware of just how much you are ready and want this? 4 yrs is a fair amount of time to wait with someone I would think. Do you think your relationship can survive if he never decides he's ready?

[EYESWIDESHUT]

I understand wanting a baby. Everytime I hold a newborn, or my friends get pregnant, i want to be right there with them. But i do know that i don't want a child right now, i am too young, too unstable finacially and to immature. You on the other hand have had many more years of this feeling than i, and are probably more established in your life. but is this something that you want to ruin your relationship? If you are getting frustrated and irritated with him now, what makes you think that this will get better with a baby. Especailly if you "talk" him into it. Mommies have a different connection with babies. Once you feel the first kick, or look into their eyes for the first time there is nothing you wouldn't do for that child and nothing that could stop you from being with your child. Father's on the other hand have a loving and caring connection, but it doesn't go as deep and as maternal as a woman's (most of the time, there are always exceptions). If your man doesn't want a child right now, i would not force him, cause he may always have feelings or regret or something along those lines if you do change his mind. But i would definitely make it clear to him that he needs to deside one way or another. If he says that he wants child but not right now, then ask him when? ask him questions to try to get him to really think about the true reason he doesn't want children at this moment. then maybe plan on a time for when you both want to start trying for a child. Don't let him just right it off as "not right now", cause then it will just keep getting pushed back. Make him make some declarations for example; after we buy a house, or after i get a few years of senority in my job. Good Luck. Children are God's Blessings and God will give you a child if it is part of HIS plan.

[Scout]

If you really want a child, I hope you want to provide a home for it where BOTH parents equally want a family, and have the same values they want to teach the child.

 

Your SO does not sound ready at all, and to be honest, I can see why he might be uneasy about having a child with you. You do indeed sound almost obsessed.

 

Do you mind if I ask you why you want a child so badly at this point in your life?

 

At any rate, perhaps you should consider finding someone who is ready to start a family, rather than hope to change your SO's mind. Because after all, you do want to share the experience with someone who actually wants it.

[Yorkrose23]

My question for you is why do you want a child so badly?

Is it the desire to be pregnant? The desire for a family? The desire to just have a baby around?

You say you've wanted a child for eight years now. That's a long time.

If you are that anxious, why don't you just adopt a child? You don't need a man for that. You say that the man you are with wants children, it certainly doesn't sound like it. If he is consistently making you wait, then you might need to have a serious talk about what you both want in a relationship and what is important to you. If he won't even hear you out, then I don't think this is a man with whom you could raise children anyway.

Sweetie, you're only 28, that's not so old. My mother was 39 when she had me. Also, I think you should carefully reflect on what it is that makes you want a child so much. Maybe you'll discover that there's more there than what meets the eye.

[June4life]

Baby fever.... I have it too...

[VirginiaW]

... how does your SO feel about YOUR feelings about it? Is he aware of just how much you are ready and want this? ... Do you think your relationship can survive if he never decides he's ready?

 

Yes, he knows how much I want it, we have talked about it plenty times. If he decides he is never ready (that is, does not want kids), then I will not stay in the relationship. I love him with all my heart, but if being with him meant not having children, then there would be too much bitterness and blame to have a healthy relationship.

 

If you are getting frustrated and irritated with him now, what makes you think that this will get better with a baby... If he says that he wants child but not right now, then ask him when?

 

Because my frustration is strictly tied to wanting a child. I am not in any way frustrated about any other part of our relationship or him. On the contrary, we have a great relationship. It is only our disharmony in want of children that is frustrating.

I have asked him "when?" plenty of times- and he cannot answer, which is why it is so frustrating.

 

Do you mind if I ask you why you want a child so badly at this point in your life?

 

No I don't mind you asking. Only, you ask as if it is a weird thing that I want a child? Is it so odd that a 28 year old woman, who has been with her SO for 4 years wants children? I think it is a very natural thing for a woman to want. Children are a big part of my life. And for me, part of loving my SO and wanting to spend my life with him, is also expressed in the desire to have children with him. We both have jobs, we are doing good financially, we have a nice home, hell, we even have a dog.

 

You say you've wanted a child for eight years now. That's a long time.

If you are that anxious, why don't you just adopt a child?

...

You say that the man you are with wants children, it certainly doesn't sound like it. If he is consistently making you wait, then you might need to have a serious talk about what you both want in a relationship and what is important to you. If he won't even hear you out, then I don't think this is a man with whom you could raise children anyway.

 

Why I don't just adopt? I do not really get your meaning? I don't feel that it is so "just" to adopt- nor do I feel having a child of my own is "just" having a child. They are both huge things. So I find that a bit beside the point. I am happy in my realtionship, except for the child-part, and I wish to have children with my SO, not adopt.

 

Yes, he does want children- that is what is so frustrating. If he didn't, I could move on and deal with my heartbreak and try to meet someone new. But he does want kids- he constantly talks about "when we have children bla bla" and "our children bla bla". If he spots a child/baby on the bus or in town etc, he is one big smile and starts making faces at them or talking to them. He talks about children A LOT. Ergo, frustrating.

And he also IS the kind of man I would like as a father to my children. He is extremely loving and sensitive, no macho-hangups at all. Whenever friends or familiy bring over their children, he is off playing with them for hours.

And he does hear me out. Every time.