Was I a jealous fool ?

[sdw]

Hello everyone,

 

My first long term relationship ended a little over 2 months ago. I'll try and go over the facts of what happened as objectively as I can and hope that someone can offer me some advice for future relationships. I met this girl I used to work beside, she was perfect, funny, intelligent and absolutely beautiful, many people thought this. She was also engaged to her boyfriend of 6 years. After I left our workplace we stayed in daily email contact and started to meet for drinks alone. We got very close, and I told her that if things were different etc...she much to my surprise told me she felt very much the same way but things weren't different. However we remained very close and after about 4 months she broke off her engagement and we got together straight away. Her ex being in the next room at one point, if he had known what we had been doing (holding hands, hugging lots etc) and talking about he would have been mad.

 

We were together for about a year and a half, things started to go sour when she got a new job. She was very busy and our once insanely passiontate and frequent sex life tailed off, she was very tired and I shouldn't expect too much. She works in HR and so her job is to to be very nice to all the employees at her comapny and lots of these were men (even women) who fancied her. She made no secret of the fact that the men there would make sexual jokes to her and act flirty with her. I got jealous and our relationship started to detoriate. There were several issues, but one was the amount of time she spent trying to get people at her work to love her, when she came home to me she was tired and grumpy and not flirtatious or interested in sex at all, except at the weekends. She was determined to get on. She became "best friends" with a lesbian girl who obviously really fancied her, not that I thought anything was going on with them but i wondered why she needed to spend so much time with her, the lesbian girls flirting was so outrageous. What was she getting from this that she didn;t get from me ? Lots of questions came up in my head about how we had got together and her lack of commitment to her fiancee and the fact that she couldn't or wouldn't push me away despite planning to marry him in a few months time.

 

She went to a party with her work, and basically told me how several guys had tried to hit on her. I didn't like it of course. Still, we moved in together (into her flat) at her suggestions and went on holiday and things were still going OK. Eventually we split up because I was in her flat all the time while she worked all day every day and we did nothing together anymore, except the odd trip to see mine and her parents at the weekend. All the time I was suspicous of her, I guess I didn't trust her but I am not sure whether I really had any reason not to ?

 

Since we split up, she has described several men at her work as "suitors", she has known them since we were together and has obviously spent a lot of time with them since she is at work so much. She told me last time we met that she may consider dating some of them. I didn't handle this too well since part of the reason we broke up was because she said she didn't have time to be in a heavy relationship and really needed to be single. I didn't like this either since we had only been living together for 3 months. I thought it strange that she should decide this after only 3 months of living together, but she said it was mostly the we were together, and we did argue a lot.

 

So my question is, how would other people feel about this story ? Would they be jealous ? Would they feel that she must've been getting close to these people while she was with me and hence that is a bit unfaithfull ?

 

Sorry for making this so long, thanks for reading if you got this far.

 

Steve.

[sonjam]

Steve

 

My guess is that she has been flirting at work, and she is really not in a stage in her life where she can commit to one person.

 

Have you ever heard this line "a leopard cannot change it's spots?"

 

well that is pretty much the truth. She did it to her previous boyfriend, she probably did the same to you, and she will keep on doing it to the next guy, and the next guy. As soon as things get a bit boring or messy, she seeks out the next "victim" and without the current smitten boyfriend knowing, start building on potential relationships. This is the kind of girl who cannot leave a relationship, be single, and then only go into a new one. She has to have other options lined up, before leaving the current one. I know I have a friend who is compulsive in doing this. She cannot help it, and knows it is wrong. And why am I able to see this, becouse I used to do this too.

 

I hope you feel better soon, she does not DESERVE you, and frankly you deserve better.

 

 

[sdw]

Thanks for your kind words. These are all issues we had when we got together, I said she'd never been single, she would say that was just the way it worked out. Since we split up she has denied that she is looking to be in any kind of relationship with these guys and has denied seeing any of them. She has told me we broke up because we weren't right together (which might well be true) and that she has come off the pill etc. I dunno though, I wonder whether she can be trusted and whether I am a fool to trust these things she tells me now....

[sonjam]

You guys are not together anymore.

Any chance of getting back together I would say is fairly slim.

 

thus: why tell you if she's on the pill or not?

 

Maybe you have been a little jealous, but in my mind that is perfectly understandable, giving the way she acts.

 

Steve, you are better off without her. Next time around try not to date someone in a current relationship, you see where this leads...

[sdw]

No there's no reason for her to tell me, but she has told me twice about it. Once right after we broke up she told me she had come of the pill and then the last time we met she told me how she thought it had affected her body shape (I didn't ask).

 

I know you're right because I remember her making all these excuses to her ex about why they weren't right together, but she never told he she was in love with me ! I suppose the bottom line is I didn't really trust her (at least for the past 4 or 5 months) and I don't now so am never going to be content with any of the answers I get from her, so will stop asking about her life. I guess the easiest way for me to heal is just to cut contact with her. I feel a bit jealous, not of the other guys as much as the fact that she spen time looking for other relationships whilst I was back at my parents numb with anxiety and pain. A bit angry too I should add.

[sonjam]

now anger is an emotion you can work with.....

 

Yes, no contact is a good idea. It will give you time to clear your head, you see you have the compulsive need to ask about things (being a bit jealous) and it eats at you, even if you ask her anything and everything, it will never be enough to satisfy you.

 

and also

 

it will give you some perspective on her, the relationship, and where to go from here.

 

I have to warn you, it is a VERY difficult thing to do. You have to anounce the no contact break, and KEEP TO IT.

 

You think you could try it? I guess you have nothing to loose and EVERYTHING to gain...

[sdw]

Yeah, I know I have to try it. Since we split up we have met a few times as friends. It was on our last meeting that she said,

 

"hey we get on great as friends but how would you feel if I was out on a date next month"

 

I said, given that you said you wanted to be single, because you had never been single in your life, and given that you spend so much time at your work, I can only assume that 1) you were lying about wanting to be single and 2) You must have someone else in mind, which explains why it is so easy for you to have moved on.

 

She said there were guys at work who she considered "suitors" now that she was single, but she wasn't sure if they were b/f material and they had partners anyway. I asked what then made her think someone would ask her out for dinner ? She replied it was jsut a hypothetical situation she put to me because if we are going to stay friends we have to face up to the fact that sooner or later we are both going to move on. So the meeting didn't go very well, I'm sure you can see why. I haven't seen her since and haven't spoken to her for days and have no intention too this week. I have been looking after our pet rabbit for a while, but have always said I don't want it (it was her idea to get it), so she is finally coming round for it next monday. I wont see her before then, but I'm not looking forward to her coming round. I'll have to fight very hard to resisit the urge to say nasty things or quiz her about her life, but I know too that I can't do that and it will delay my own healing.....right ?

 

Steve.

[sonjam]

Steve, you know exactly what you have to do. You are right, quizing her about her life, is not going to do you any favours. Saying nasty things might make you feel good for an instant, but the minute you said it, you will regret it. Not for saving her feelings, but for stooping low enough to do such a thing. You have to save face my friend.

 

Have you ever thought what would happen if you did get back together. It would most probably be a royal mess. Initally you would be happy to be together, and try and forget everything, but then the "honeymoon" peroid blows over, and you are stuck with wondering, not trusting, dealing with the issues,

 

frankly, you are better off finding a new lady love, and this gives you the opportunity to DO IT RIGHT this time around!

 

You sound like a guy who can give a lot in a relationship, a guy that a nice girl can be with, and give love to. Go find that girl. But before you do...

 

make sure you heal your heart. To give her the best of you, not the remnants of a broken heart.

[sonjam]

She said there were guys at work who she considered "suitors" now that she was single, but she wasn't sure if they were b/f material and they had partners anyway. I asked what then made her think someone would ask her out for dinner ? She replied it was jsut a hypothetical situation she put to me because if we are going to stay friends we have to face up to the fact that sooner or later we are both going to move on.

 

yeah right....

 

she's putting too much effort in preparing your for the "hypothetical" situation where she's with somoene. Do you see a patern here.....

[Princess777]

It sounds to me like she is a very, very immature, insecure lady who feels that she needs approval from a great many people, and that one person cannot possibly satisfy that for her, because she needs to hear it from a lot of people. She is not confident enough in herself so she seeks it from others, then validates that to you so that you'll think she is just as desirable as she is trying to make herself feel, even though she doesn't believe it. It's a sick game.... be glad you got out of it. You'd never be able to satisfy her, and it wouldn't be worth it if you did.... she needs counseling to get over her insecurities and stop stepping on other people's heads to feel better.

 

Good luck to you and your new future dates! Now you have learned something about this type of person.... congratulations!

[sdw]

It's bizarre but I always thought it was me who was self conscious and they shy one. She is very outgoing and like I have said, wants whoever she is talking to to love her. But when I think about it, she is somewaht insecure about certain things, e.g. her weight. I remember making a joke once about how she had given herself more to eat for tea than she had given me, not the funniest joke on paper but it was the sort of thing I would say to anyone given that she dished up. She was horribly upset and started to cry, she is dangerously insecure about her weight for one thing. I know that she has been going the gym frantically since we split up too......I guess maybe you are right and I had her down as a confident person but maybe she's not really. See, I'm sure if you met her you would think she was confident, outgoing, mature and beautiful. I know I did.

[GettingOverIt]

Well, all I can say is good luck on the no contact thing, if that's the route you go... Your feelings (and heck your girlfriend's behaviour) sound very familiar to something I went through not long ago...

 

I tried the no contact thing, and I just couldn't do it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things would never work out, but there is also no way I feel like I could ever make such a clean break, emotionally or otherwise.

 

Of course, all situations are different, but when you invest heavily in someone, a clean break may sound easy to those on the outside, but on the inside of the story, it's not so easy.

 

Love can be deeply rooted, and that can be a great thing but can also be a very, very bad thing......

[sdw]

Hi,

 

I didn't want a "clean break" paritcularly, but since the spectre of her dating other guys she has know and gotten close to while we were going out has raised its head, it's difficult to be friends with her. This would effectively mean just accepting her for who she is, and what she has done. I mean realistically speaking she probably enjoyed these mens advances so much that it doesn't really bother her that things have ended. She has said that they are not as special as me and that she doesn't know them nearly as well or vice versa, and that she is defintately not "in love" with any of them, but I just don't know what to make of it all. She has also said that we should give each other some space so that's what I am doing now. Hell, I know how hard it is and it's only been 2 days, but 2 days and counting

 

The fact about the clean break is that it seems that she is probably more comfortable with that than I am. When I have contact now I'm just gonna be nice to her like I was before we went out and if she wants to stay in touch then she can do, but I doubt she will. We'll see I guess.

[striderhiryu81]

so how is the no contact going? I just started no contact. I guess you could say 3 days ago or maybe today...shes been away for the weekend. Anyways, she went away with a guy she cheated on me with knowing that I didnt want her to go. It was supposedly a trip for her career. Anyways she was just like the girl you described here a week ago or so. Seemingly confident, but behind closed doors she would cry about the tiniest thing about herself. And she is very outgoing and wants everyone to love her, and she even shows off by singing, and sometimes she sounds good, but she does it at inappropriate times to get people to comment on how nice a voice she has.

 

Anyways, she told me all the lines that you said your ex gave you. They arent t as special, I'm not seeing anyone blah blah blah. We gave it another go and then she goes on this trip. So when she gets back I won't be here. I'm just wondering how you are doing with it...

[ashik]

hey jus out of curiosity, whats her star sign? I had a scorpian gf and she was lik this too..kinda..i read bout them after and the discription matched her behaviour.

No offense to any scorpians

[sdw]

Well funny you should ask about the star sign cos she is a scorpio as well !! I have had contact twice with her to get some stuff from her, I was civil pretended I wasn't bothered about her dating other guys, whatever made her happy. I took an interest in her life and her job and wished her the best, gave her a hug and told her to take care of herself. She wont get anymore from me now, no more emotion no more personal information, i'll just be a friend if I have to see her, but I think the occasions where I'll have to see her will become less and less.....

[ashik]

k man u knw wut..ur better off without her..go read about scorpio women on the net or newhere...they r not the nicest to have as gfs, all the traits u mentioned IT IS WHO SHE IS...shes an attention grabber, she will get bored n everythin and she is everythin princess777 said bout her...they r intimate and deep, and charming and preety..and her eyes man..dint they get u high..yea yea..but the bad stuff could be too much to bear if ur someone lik me and jus want some simple affection and love.

 

PS: princes777, can that kind of person ever get better, lik say she has approval from a lot of people, she then she has a guy whos better than anyone and loves her a lot and constantly reassures her n stuff. Wud she be fyne with that, or wud she still need approval.

Jus wanting to mo about "this" kind of person.