Desperately want to get over crush

[Ferrgus]

I am happily married to a wonderful guy; we've been together for 23 years, married for 14. So, I was totally blindsided by what happened a couple of months ago when I returned to university full-time for a one-year teacher education program.

 

This program is a bit unusual. Instead of taking regular classes, we're in tutorial groups of nine students most of the time. The nature of the program almost forces the members of the group to bond quickly so they can support one another's learning. Well, in the middle of this bonding process, a certain tall, dark, incredibly good-looking member of my tutorial group started flirting with me. I didn't really think much of it at first, because he was being flirty with everyone. Almost all the women in the program have boyfriends or husbands, so the flirting was, I guess, safe or validating for his ego or something. But it took a different turn with me. Don't want to go into details, but he made some inappropriate moves that my girlfriends agreed were definitely over the casual flirting line and might have gotten him slapped if he had done them to anyone else. I was starting to develop intense sexual feelings for him, and it really looked like things were going in a dangerous direction. Much as I enjoyed the attention he was paying to me (if you were not all that young and a gorgeous 20-something was paying serious attention to you, I bet you'd feel the same way), I had to say something to him. He listened carefully to my spiel (basically, "if I was 20 years younger and single, I'd jump your bones in a heartbeat, but that's not possible, and besides, what about the dynamics of the group"), and then he replied, "I hear what you're saying, and I respect it." In other words, politically correct but revealing absolutely nothing.

 

After our little chat, he dialed it down and did not do anything else inappropriate. Unfortunately -- and here's where I need help -- I was already hooked. His inappropriate moves had turned me on and I could not -- make that "can't" -- seem to turn off. I think about him constantly and, because it feels good, I continue to fantasize about the faint hope that something might happen, even though (a) there's no longer any possibility of that, particularly since he now seems to have a girlfriend (though they don't usually last long with him) and (b) it would be disastrous in every possible way. Now, the thing is, I can't not see him, because we're in all the same classes and school activities, so I figure we can at least be friends. Well, sometimes we are and sometimes we aren't. On some days, we'll have really great conversations and everything will seem to be at the right level, with maybe a friendly hug as we go our separate ways; the very next day, he'll either act like I don't exist or am poison (pure misery, of course). You better believe I need to get over this infatuation FAST.

 

Obviously, since I'm married, replacing my crush with someone else is not possible. I have been trying really hard to spend more time and attention on my husband (who knows about the crush -- he's had crushes and even affairs, so he's completely understanding -- what a guy!). I've also been working really hard on my school program, and have seen a counselor (not very helpful). If anyone has any ideas on crushing a crush, I'd love to hear them!

 

javascript

[San123]

How much longer do you have in this group setting?

[maasikus]

Hi there

 

If I were you, I would stay away from him...he is NOT worth ur time, energy and most of all...he is NOT worth playin with ur marriage...

 

from what u say..it sounds like he is the usual casanova who thinks of women to be yet another ornament...as u say urself...u r gettin excited bcoz of the attention he gives u...and he is playin sick mind games with u by talkin 1 day as if u were great friends and then totally avoidin u the next day...ugggh....

 

be happy to be in a relationship for 23 years and dont blow it away for some1 who is not worth it...dont be unwarned...

 

good luck

maasikus

[Ferrgus]

San, the program runs through the summer. For a bunch of that time, we'll be doing our student teaching, so I won't see too much of him. Good thing!

 

Maasikus, I agree that this crush was not worth destroying my marriage for, and that's why I told him to stop playing with me, basically. The problem now is that I can't get him out of my head, even though nothing is ever going to happen. He's an amazingly beautiful guy (and yeah, I know that doesn't matter, it's just genetics, etc., etc.), and the attraction is mostly physical -- but not completely. I'd like to get to the point of being happy with admiring the view and maybe having a reasonable colleague-type friendship, if possible.

 

I think this crush is a bit harder to crush than others I've had because I remember how unbelievably good it felt when he said and did the stuff I don't want to discuss online (nothing too bad, but still don't want to talk about it). I haven't felt anything this intense for a very long time. How in the world do you get over something like this? I have to!

 

Thanks for responding, BTW.

 

javascript

[San123]

I think the only way you will be able to fully get over it is when you two aren't around each other so much, or not at all...

[fallen]

Hi,

 

I am in a similar situation as you, check out my last post if you want. Except I'm not married, and he has a girlfriend as well. But I felt such an intense connection with him, although he wasn't willing to act on it for various reasons..it's that sexual tension that just kills me though. Like standing right beside him, knowing that there's an attraction between us, and yet we avoid each other's gaze..it's like the distance created almost makes it more sexy. But anyways, I don't keep in contact with him anymore & haven't seen him for about 2 weeks now and if we ever do bump into each other we just say hello..which makes it almost more unbearable but this is what I would suggest for both of us:

 

Primarily, remind yourself that this is just a crush. An infatuation with no real value. It will go no where. Even if there is some spark between you, you already have something more meaningful with your husband. You only like this guy because he gives you special attention & is goodlooking. You love your husband for far better reasons. If you are questioning your love with your husband though (as he cheated and you're considering cheating, perhaps it's worth thinking about), maybe it's time for some special alone time to rekindle your love..what most counsellors recommend in any case. Like go on a vacation somewhere for the weekend. If you feel that there's something missing in your relationship, find out why and do something about it..but that's another issue.

 

The second thing most people recommend is to date new people to forget about him..what I am attempting to do now. Even if I don't really like the guys..just to go out & realize there's other ppl. out there. Since you're already married, the equivalent would be to spend more time with your husband. Ultimately if this guy continues to flirt with you, you should also reject his advances and let him know that it's inappropriate and tell him you want him to stop.

 

Hope that helped..

 

fallen

[fallen]

god, you know what's horrible about my crush though..how he's so perfect. I know this isn't helping you, but at least there's some bad points about the guy you can think about. With my crush there's nothing, as much as I try. It's driving me crazy. At this rate I'm going to get kicked out of university because I can't concentrate on anything but him. I hate this..so much. I feel like I have to see him again, to talk to him to finally get over him. I hate having this hanging, like there's nothing conclusive about it (besides the fact that we don't see each other.) We haven't talked since I e-mailed him in Oct. I feel like we should talk..just so I can see that he's not interested in me if for nothing else. It's like I need proof..because when we say hi & smile at each other, that doesn't really help..

[Ferrgus]

Fallen, your situation does sound really similar to mine, and I sympathize completely. Here's how my problem has played out the past few days. Maybe you'll find some hope in it.

 

I, too, was having trouble with the sexual tension you described in your last message. One day, my crush and I would seem to be getting along at a nice friendly level, just right, great conversations, etc., and the very next day, he'd diss me. Also, he would never sit next to me in our classes. One day I sat next to him and he edged farther and farther away until he was practically sitting in the lap of the person next to him. It was weird and hurtful until I realized what was going on (actually, my husband explained it to me; is he not an amazing guy?). So I was pretty distraught and didn't know how to handle it.

 

Then, this past Monday, my crush and I had a post-class meeting with our tutorial leader about the problems we were both having with our practicum (student teaching). Although his experience was much worse, it was in the same ballpark as mine. Between the school problems and the crush, I was feeling pretty blue.

 

This past Monday night, I sent my crush an e-mail to remind him about something we were supposed to turn in to one of our advisors at our practicum schools on Wednesday; it was, as you might expect, pretty depressive. Well, he sent back this incredible response, basically about not wallowing in negativity when doors were opening all around and how to feel better and so on. The line that got to me me was, "I just want to see my friend happy and enthused again." At that point, I knew where our relationship stood and I accepted it for what it was, and it felt right.

 

Of course, I haven't forgotten what it felt like when he touched me, and it's definitely hard to ignore him because he's so beautiful. But all this doesn't consume me the way it did, say, last week. Also, I don't expect anything more from him now. Because of the faint hope that something might actually happen (even though I turned that off weeks ago), I think I was wanting way too much from him. I also think the crush is winding down and eventually, probably not too long from now, I will be able to accept him as another one of the guys in the group (albeit much better looking), just as I did at the beginning of the year. And that will be so much better for everyone.

 

I don't know if getting confirmation that your crush likes you at some level will also make a difference for you, Fallen, but it might help...

 

I'll probably have nothing more to report in this forum, so best of luck to you in getting over your crush. It will happen in time -- really!

[fallen]

Thanks Ferrgus! (I don't know if you're still reading this post, but I just wanted to thank you for your message

 

I still think about him occasionally, but I've ultimately accepted that there can be nothing between us, which is a lot more healthy as you say. In my opinion there was definitely an attraction between us, and that was probably why he was so distant as well, but I can't do anything about it as much as I would like. Since I'm used to getting my way this is really hard to accept, but whatever..I can't do anything about it, just move on..

 

For now, I don't think I'll be dating anyone for a while. There's no one I'm really interested in, so I guess I'll just try to focus on other things (namely school.)

 

Thanks again,

 

fallen

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

I can relate as well; I'm still not over my crush when he's clearly not interested. It sucks. I'm glad you two were able to get over your crushes though - it gives me hope!

 

To be honest I really don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about him..perhaps I should just go out this Saturday night & party it up really hard. I think I need to go 'on the rebound' so to speak..I don't even care if I like the guy or not, I just need to find someone else, it's driving me crazy!!!!

[Ferrgus]

A couple of days ago, I felt like I was really over the friggin' crush because I thought I finally knew where he and I stood. Well, I was wrong...

 

After he wrote me a nice, supportive, friendly e-mail when I was feeling low, I wrote back to say that I'd taken his advice and had a great day at my practicum school, and I really appreciated his support. It was actually a much longer e-mail, but as you guys have seen, I write long messages. He didn't respond, and today, it was back to not really meeting my gaze and barely being civil to me; Fallen, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

The thing is, this has happened time and time again. I know I should just give up on the friendship, because despite his claim that we're friends, he's sure not acting like one. But I can't give it up, because then there would be no real contact with him at all -- and I'm not quite ready to deal with that.

 

I'm wondering if I should force the issue a little and say, "I feel that there's something wrong between you and me, and I'm wondering if it can be fixed." I fully realize that this could backfire in a huge way, and that if he's actually honest with me about his feelings, I might not like what I hear. On the other hand, I would like to try to maintain (or resurrect) the friendship that I thought we'd developed. Maybe it ain't going to happen. Maybe I should just say to hell with the whole thing, only interact with him if it involves school, and let it go. But as those of you who are having crushes know, that's easier said than done.

 

I guess I'm also a little angry about this whole mess. I never asked him to pay attention to me or flirt with me or any of the rest of it (jeez, how long ago that seems, although it was only a little more than a month), and I certainly have enough to deal with in my program without this kind of anxiety. Not to mention that tonight my husband said to me that he's worried that he and I are not really in synch these days (not unusual; several couples in our tutorial group have been having fights lately, generally about how the person in the program isn't paying enough attention to his/her significant other).

 

Today I talked with a female friend who's also a member of the group and who's been in a similar sexual-tension situation. She told me that there can only be two ways this thing can go:

 

- Resolve the sexual tension by sleeping together, after which who knows (probably nothing good).

- Forget about any kind of relationship; just let it go. That's what she advised, although she recognized that being in lust can be totally overwhelming, almost addictive.

 

So, sorry to disappoint you guys, but I'm back to Square One. At least it helps to talk to people who understand...

 

('

[fallen]

Hey Ferrgus,

 

I was in a very similar situation actually. I wrote him an e-mail initially (at the beginning of Oct. I think) after seeing him just a few days earlier with friends in which I was going to say "hi" & smiled, but he just looked at me icily and glanced away, pretending not to see me, in effect completely ignoring me. That sorta hurt. But since we were pretty good friends before & he helped me out a lot over the summer with my work I decided to just be civil about it, and partly in an attempt to get over him, decided to write him a short e-mail. I just said something like:

 

"Hi __, I just wanted to say thanks for helping me over the summer with my work, you really helped me out with ___ and I appreciate the effort. (I think I talked a little about the course here too.) Also, I hope I never offended you in any way; perhaps I should have been a little more distant (as he was responsible for actually evaluating me on some things), but you really did help me out when I was on the brink of overstressing, so thank you for that.

 

Best of luck with your studies,

 

me

 

He responded literally 1 min. later, saying that he hoped the course went well for me, he was happy to help, and if I ever wanted to talk in the future to keep in touch. He asked what courses I was taking, etc. and was generally friendly. I wrote him back a longer e-mail after describing the courses, and got no e-mail back. I wasn't too down about it though, I sorta expected that. I ended the e-mail on a note of finality as well, so it wasn't too awkward if he didn't respond.

 

Anyhoo, then afterwards whenever he saw me he was friendly..although the problem is that I still feel attracted to him. I'm not nearly as into him as before, as I haven't seen him for a while & I realize it wouldn't go anywhere as he's not interested in me, but it's still sorta there. To be honest I don't think it'll entirely go away until I get another serious boyfriend, which may not happen for a while. But soon enough it will happen.

 

My advice is to just show maturity when you deal with him. Do NOT sleep with him, that will cause so much more problems. I can't even believe your friend told you that, if she knows you're married. First off, it will probably end up in divorce (unless that's what you want), and secondly, it will just make things more complicated.

 

Coincidentally, after writing the e-mail to the guy I bumped into him 2 days later in a class that I wasn't supposed to be in (I entered the wrong classroom), while he was just closing the door & we just stared at each other for a few secs. dumbfound & confused, before I excused myself and left. Then a few days later he saw me and waved & smiled, calling my name, I guess expecting me to come up and talk with him but I thought i'd give him similar treatment and just in a calm & professional way said "hi" & smiled, before continuing on my way. After as I said he always says hi but we just continue on.. And I haven't e-mailed him since. If this is what you want, sorta a mature ending then go for it. We don't have any more classes so we don't see each other anymore, and it sorta works I guess...there's no reminder of any attraction except for when we look at each other & it resurfaces for me. (I'm pretty sure he was attracted to me at first although he already had a girlfriend & wasn't interested so nothing could happen..) But just treat this guy you like as a colleague, with respect & nothing more. I think this guy respected me a lot for noticing the distance and just handling it professionally, showing that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything more (even if I secretly was..) It's just a compromise you'll have to make.

 

Hope that helped,

 

fallen

[Lily04]

Heh, Fallen that actually sounds quite hot. But you'll get over him eventually, trust me I was in your shoes at one time. And to the OP - I agree, don't sleep with him. I would handle it professionally like Fallen suggested, don't get yourself mixed up in something that won't work in the end anyway (even if he is good-looking, it doesn't matter.) Be strong! You guys will be fine in the end. =)

 

cheers,

 

lily04

[fallen]

Thanks Lily,

 

Hopefully I'll get 'over' him eventually. The thing is I think I'm technically over him because I realize that there's nothing between us, I don't call him or e-mail him anymore, it's like there's nothing there, you know? But I still think about him, why is that? It's so irrational. I know he doesn't like me anyways, so why can't I just accept it..

 

I don't know. The mind works in f*cked up ways..I mean a part of me realizes that he's not interested & probably not even right for me anyways, but then there's still a part that lingers..probably because of the initial sexual tension. Oh well..hopefully it will go away soon enough.

[violetsky]

I know I'm coming in late on this, but I am so in the same boat. I work with a guy (we're in the same building, but different departments) that I've had a crush on for a long, long time. Trouble is, he's married, and has 3 boys, so there's no way anything is going to happen. BUT, the thing is, every time I act like I'm over him, every time I break free and try to get on with my life, what does he do? He does something to "reel me back in"...he'll tell me how nice I look, or he'll come and talk to me, or he'll ask me to stay after work and talk, ask me for advice, anything...anything that will keep me interested in him. And then there's the fact that he parks his truck next to my car (no matter where I park) every day...and it's been over two years.

 

He says "nothing can happen," and that he'll never leave her, yet he won't completely let me go. If I mention dating someone, he literally breaks his neck to change the subject...and every guy I date is a "psycho" or a "jerk" or "not good enough for me" in his eyes (he'll say things like, "you know he's not the one you really want to be with"). I mention anything about my love life, and I swear you can see pain in his eyes. It's a crazy situation...we've never kissed, only hugged a few times, and held hands once when we were having a talk about something that upset me. Why does he want to hold on? I guess I had to chime in because if anyone has the answer to this kind of problem, I'd love to hear it too.

[fallen]

Hmm, violet that's a lot more difficult than my situation. Actually I think mine is basically all self-created. He doesn't like me..he didn't even give me any signs of wanting to pursue anything. Even that first day when there might have been something there, we still maintained a professional distance. Sure he wasn't always friendly, but there was nothing wrong with that. I think it was more that I liked him & overanalyzed it than anything. I don't think he was interested in me at all really. There were just no signs.

 

So I am moving on..I might contact him later for work-related assistance if I absolutely need it, but I don't expect anything else. So that's it..I probably won't be checking this thread after this either. I really do need to just forget this whole thing; the obsession is becoming unhealthy.

 

Thanks,

 

fallen