Ex girlfriend Doing her best to confuse me!!

[Bizw]

My Girlfriend of five years broke up with me three weeks ago. Her main reason being that she wants to be able to spend all of here free time with her girlfriends. Shes 21 and I'm 23 so we've been together from a young age and I understand her need to have close girlfriends.

 

During the past three weeks shes been with her two girfriends almost everynight. They drink until 5-6 am, go to basketball games and then hang out with the players that they know afterward and so on. Shes seems to be having the time of her life but she still continues to call me everyday.

 

The second week of break-up I decided to try no-contact. When I did this she would call over and over, several times she called over 50 times. I couldnt take it and I ended up answering after she would call enough.

 

During week three we decided to go out to dinner, we had a blast. She asked if we could be together again but I knew she was caught up in the moment and it turns out she was. Either way we still had a great time and slept together that night. Later in the week we got together again and had a good time also. Aside from these two days we were together she was still out with her friends every night and hanging out with other guys.

 

Today, I decided enough is enough shes put me through to much. She called and I was kind of stand-offish with her and told her that I was busy and I'd call later. She called back and told me that she wanted to get back together but now that I acted like that she doesnt (obviously a lie). I told her that I'm at the end of my rope I've given what I can.

 

This is what I told her.

 

I don't mind you spending most of your time with your friends. I know you need good girlfriends and I don't want to keep you from that. But if we're going to be spending time together and sleeping together, I need to know that your not going to devolop a relationship with another guy. I told her that I am happy to give her space, I think that we could both use it after five years, but I need a commitment if I'm going to give you my heart.

 

This is what she said.

 

No, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to be with any guy. I then asked her if she wanted to be able to flirt and date without feeling guilty and she said no. She said she doesnt want a relationship.

 

My question is, I understand if she doesnt want a realtionship with a guy. But shes calling me everyday, having sex with me and shows affection such as kissing and hugging. That seems like being my girlfriend.

 

Am I right in thinking that she won't commit because she wants to have the option of being with other guys without feeling guilty or could it be like she said, that she doesnt want to have to feel bad because shes not spending enough time with me, even after I told her that I would give her all the space she needs.

 

What do you think her reason behind not wanting to commit to me is.

If you have any advice on what I can say to her or what I can ask her please let me know. If I have to let her go then I at least want to know why, and why she won't commit to me when were already doing everything a boy and girlfriend would do.

[Switch187]

Well my situation was quite similar to yours, even with the age gap. Me and my g/f have only been together for 2 years, so it was a bit different for us, but she went through most of the things your ex is going through. My g/f felt that even though we are best friends (which isn't a bad thing), we still needed to be able to have our own life's, and not feel guilty if we were hanging out with our own friends. The only problem was that neither of us had any real friends (all the people I knew were into drugs, and all the people she knew were into being "dirty"), so we both needed some time to just be on our own. She did the same things your ex is doing, she went to a few parties, some nightclubs and other stuff like that with one of her g/f's, and they both got really drunk all the time. I went out with my cousin (who's my only close friend) and I did the same, got drunk, went to nightclubs, went to concerts and so on. During this time though, both of us would call each other a lot (she would even call me a few times a day, just to see how I was doing and what was going on), and we made plans to go out one night 2 weeks after the break up. Same thing happened. We both got caught up in the moment of being with each other that we ended up sleeping together that night. We talked about getting back together, but a few days later it changed into us still needing space and time to see if our feelings for each other were "true". That didn't mean we were seeing other people, but we were both flirting and talking to other people, which made both of us just want to be with each other more than anything else. My g/f would say the same things your ex is saying during our break (such as not wanting a relationship, not wanting to be with someone else, wanting to have time for herself, and so on) but in reality all it meant was that she was confused about "us" and just needed some time to really understand if this was right, and the same went for me.

 

If she's telling you she doesn't want anyone else, then your just going to have to trust her and accept it, or constantly beat your head against the wall wondering if she's with someone else. You two have been together for 5 years, and she may need some time to see if this relationship is really going where it needs to go (such as the commitment and future thoughts), plus she reached the age of being able to go out and drink without any worries (although that's not the reason to end a relationship, the "freedom" that comes with it makes people think). She doesn't want to give you up (5 years is hard to "throw away" in a few weeks) and that's why she still acts like a g/f, but just doesn't want the commitment that comes with it. What worked for my g/f and me was to keep that bridge of communication open, but still keep it to a minimum (sometimes we would go 3-4 days without talking, but it gave us something to talk about when we did talk). You both need some time to do some self-realization, but at the same time you both need to spend some "us" time to realize what it is about your relationship that you both do/don't want. Don't keep pushing her with the questions about "us", instead try to make things more open between you two, taking time to hear her side and let her say what she needs to say before responding, as well as giving her time to respond to whatever you said. As I said this worked for my g/f and me, and some people may say just tell her you want NC to think, but if you don't feel that's right then don't do it.

 

As far as commitment goes, well that goes back to the age thing (which I learned from reading thread here), and girls seem to get a bit "confused" when they reach the 20-24 bracket, and that could be her reason for wanting to either "slow down" or take a 'break" to help get her mind in order. You may want to discuss each other's past (I know you probably already have done before, but this time you may want to dive deeper), my g/f and me learned some new things about each other during a deep conversation about "us" (she never knew I had problems with "opening up" due to being "used" in my past by both men and women. I never knew that her fear of letting people too close came from her past and how the people that were really close to her (ex b/f and some friends) hurt her the most). So just try to keep contact, but don't force it, and if anything else, just follow what your heart wants, and if your religious, follow the path that God set for you, since He will lead you to happiness.

[rich46]

During week three we decided to go out to dinner, we had a blast. She asked if we could be together again but I knew she was caught up in the moment and it turns out she was. Either way we still had a great time and slept together that night. Later in the week we got together again and had a good time also. Aside from these two days we were together she was still out with her friends every night and hanging out with other guys.

Wow your ex has a great deal here doesn't she? While you're the one who continues to get hurt. Have some dignity and don't let her come round for sex whenever she wants...you're worth more than that.

 

Read my reply from a couple of weeks ago. In fact, read the whole thread again and again and eventually it might sink in:

 

link removed

[chai714]

Am I right in thinking that she won't commit because she wants to have the option of being with other guys without feeling guilty or could it be like she said, that she doesnt want to have to feel bad because shes not spending enough time with me, even after I told her that I would give her all the space she needs.

 

What do you think her reason behind not wanting to commit to me is.

If you have any advice on what I can say to her or what I can ask her please let me know. If I have to let her go then I at least want to know why, and why she won't commit to me when were already doing everything a boy and girlfriend would do.

 

She won't commit for whatever reason. When you do NC with her, she comes on very, very strong. I think NC would work for a few weeks with her. One, it will give her a dose of reality. Two, she will get the message that you won't always be there for her, thereforeeee she can not take you for granted. This, in effect, could raise your "personal value." What I mean by this is that each of us determines our value . . .some of us come cheap, while others come at a higher price. Drive up your price, so that she knows your love for her is no longer free. You being her emotional support while she enjoys the single life is not the way to get her to commit to you.