Is it rebound when you realize you might have never loved your ex?

[aseeker]

The question is self-explanatory but: my boyfriend of one year and a half broke up with me unexpectedly about a month ago. He had previously done so back in November but went back on his word the next day.

 

After one month of no contact on my part but some on his for really stupid things, we got a huge fight over me telling me I needed some space and being friends with him would not be happening soon because I was still hurt. He got angry and said horrible things to me, shattering every feeling I could possibly have had for him.

 

The problem is I don't know if I ever loved this guy. I liked to be with him, loved him as a best friend would, but was never really attracted to him or saw him as "the one". This notion made me feel guilty for a very long time, but it's not like it's my fault. I can't choose that sort of thing. I guess I settled for him because I'm so insecure and he treated me so well at the beginning, and I felt so safe and cared for. As friends we were great, but as bf and gf we were always at each other's throats for tiny reasons. It was a very exhausting relationship.

 

Fast forward to now. I met a guy at college and instantly connected: he's funny, charming, really into a lot of things I am too, very sweet and lovable. I didn't tell him about the fact that I was dumped just a month ago because I was scared he would see it as a warning sign not to see me anymore. The problem is, we are starting to evolve really quickly, and he has already tried to make moves on me. I rejected all the major ones because I don't feel ready to admit I'm in love with someone other than my ex, and I'm scared of what people might think. Especially him.

 

My question is, is this guy a rebound? I don't want to hurt him but I feel so good with him... And I want to try and be happy. I have no more feelings for my ex because he managed to shatter every good thing we had by being mean, hurtful, spiteful and aggressive to the point where I'm adamant in keeping distant from him. So we will never work out.

 

This guy and I decided we should talk about our relationship, where it stands and where will it lead to. Now, what should I say to make him understand I need to take things slow but am scared? Scared of what will happen, what people will say, what he will think of me when I tell him I was "in love" with another man just a month ago, even if I'm not sure I ever was. I really like him and want to try having a relationship with him. But right now I find myself rejecting his advances and not being able to cope with them in public - we went to a concert together and he held my held, caressed my back, kissed the top of my head and basically tried to get me to accept his feelings.

 

It's not like I don't know he likes me, he said so. But I don't know what to say. I don't know if he's a rebound and I'm delusional to think this might work. I don't need my ex or others calling me names for having moved on "too fast" when in reality, I'm just over the fact that I was under the illusion my ex was the greatest man alive and I would have a life with him, even if he treated me like garbage. Plus, I feel that since November I have not felt the same for him. I tried too hard and got too hurt anyway. My ex also said he hadn't felt the same for the last three months (four months total), so we were pretty in sync.

 

I don't want this guy to think ill of me either. So what is the best approach to explain this whole ordeal to him? Should I just come clean right out? I just don't want to hurt his feelings... Or mine...

 

And of course I feel insecure and unsure about a new relationship. Sometimes I feel I should remain single for a while and hope to heal completely through that. But at the same time, I can't help falling more and more for this person and wondering if we could ever be together. We don't know each immensely well, but we feel so at ease to talk about everything, that I crave for that everyday. Getting to know him and letting him get to know me. I just don't want to feel like I missed my chance to be with a great guy and be happy because of my fears. But I also don't want to go through the end of a relationship once again.

[digiash]

Even if you may not have really loved your ex, it's evident the break up has been hard for you. Someone is in your life so long and then BAM, they're gone. I also have been broken up with my ex for almost a month. It's been so tough. The pain has passed, but now I realize I just miss the "idea" of him And it sounds like you just liked the "idea" of your ex. If you're not sure you loved your ex, then you probably didn't. You would definitely know if you were in love. It doesn't really matter if you did or not anymore, because it's clear you're moving on. Every person is different. It does seem that you're stressed about being hurt again and letting someone in. I think you should be honest with the guy you're seeing and tell him you need to go slow. If he can't appreciate that, then he's not worth it. If he really likes you, he'll take it slow. You're young. Have fun and don't stress. It seems like you really like this guy!

 

My relationship was very intense and I really loved him a lot, but in the end I slowly fell out of love because he couldn't ever fully commit to the relationship. I can't even think about dating anyone else. Honestly, I can't even see myself falling in love again right now. If you feel you need time to be alone and single, then by all means do that. But from what I've read I think you should be honest with the guy. I think things could work out for you. You'll feel so much better no matter what the outcome is. Keeping everything bottled inside makes things worse.

[sharky988]

Seriously -- who cares if it's technically "a rebound" or not?

 

You never felt your ex was The One. You meet someone soon after the breakup who you're really interested in. Take things as slow or as fast feels right to YOU. Don't let fear of other peoples' judgments keep you from doing what instinctively feels right -- you might as well start learning now to trust your instincts! This is worth more than anyone's advice or opinions.

 

The worst thing that's going to happen in this scenario is that, at some future date, you'll realize you were wrong and that you DID need more time to heal between relationships.... as long as you're honest with this new guy about your feelings and keep the lines of communication open with him throughout, what's the harm to be done?

 

You're at an age where you're learning about love and relationships. It's okay to make mistakes -- not that this new relationship necessarily IS a mistake! When I was your age I was having this crazy on-and-off relationship with someone -- and we were both rebounding and breaking up all over the place -- in fact when I met him I was still in love with an ex. And everybody thought we were a disaster because things were always messy with us. But I trusted my instincts over the opinions of others -- and in the end we were married and stayed together over 20 years!

[aseeker]

I finally told him everything, and we started seeing each other about a week ago. He understood that I needed time and we are taking it slow. In fact, he was so understanding it was scary... Probably because I haven't been with a mature guy for a while, I guess.

 

But recently I started feeling this is wrong. I can't explain it well, I mean, this guy treats me right, we have a lot of fun together, he is a good boyfriend. But I feel it's too soon and I keep thinking what everyone will think, my ex included. I know, it's really stupid and a waste of time. I shouldn't be postponing my happiness because of that. But what if I'm hijacking my healing by getting into a new relationship? I feel ashamed about the possibility of being with this guy solely because I'm needy and insecure, and need someone by my side to replace my ex.

 

I feel guilty for asking this new guy for us to not get public with our relationship yet, and don't act more than friends in college, etc. We are basically hiding, only doing couple stuff at my house or somewhere secluded without many people. I shouldn't have to feel this way but I don't know how to stop. I started thinking of my ex and unfortunately, comparing him to my new boyfriend. Needless to say, I started to miss him. Or at least what we had. I don't think there are feelings anymore, just the void

 

Even when I saw this guy for the first time with his glasses on, I couldn't help feeling more attracted to him. And then I realized that my ex wore glasses all the time, and it made me feel sick to my stomach to think that was the reason I found it so attractive.

 

There are no chances to get back with my ex. Even if I love him still, I don't WANT to go back to him because I know he's no good and that he'll hurt me again. But how can I put these ghosts behind me and be happy with this guy? I feel so insecure about the "romantic" part of our relationship, although I'm totally at ease as friends. It's like I'm cheating, I feel so awful although it's been a month since my ex broke up with me (not me with him).

 

What is wrong with me? How can I make this easier?

[digiash]

The way you're talking about your ex now if different than we were before. First you said you didn't really love him, but now you're saying you do love him?? I'm confused.

 

It sounds like you should spend sometime alone and let yourself heal. That's what I'm doing and I feel pretty happy.

[aseeker]

I don't think I was ever "completely in love with" my ex. And after what he said to me, I pretty much shut off. I didn't want to think of him anymore because he had hurt and disrespected me too much. But we were always very good friends from the start and that's what I miss: the companionship, the care, the attention, the good times we had together. And having that severed so drastically it's what's bothering me because I always thought we'd be able to keep getting along ok. I guess I do "love him" but am not "in love" with him. I can't see myself going back to being intimate with him, for instance, because that trust is broken forever. But I miss the rest we had.....

 

Maybe I'm just weakening because being with this new guy established where my ex and I stand: nowhere. And before this, it didn't seem as real. Maybe I don't feel I deserve to be happy again, and feeling happy makes me nervous and anxious. I feel guilty either way: if I stop seeing this guy or if I keep seeing him. For some reason, my mind keeps acting like I owe my ex some sort of explanation or some time. Which is absurd. He didn't care about me, even though he acted like he did and I was the one who wasn't reasonable because I wanted to keep away from him and he didn't want that. When really, what was I supposed to do? He dumped me, he said he felt almost nothing for me anymore, gave me a list of reasons why we shouldn't be together, left me feeling like dying for three weeks straight and then, all of a sudden, when I told him I thought NC was best for both parties because we couldn't be friends like this, he shunned me as though I had murdered someone.

 

My head is a mess... I know I'm doing the right thing staying away from my ex but I don't know if I should be alone or keep seeing someone else. I feel it's too late to go back and end up hurting him and myself over some stupid insecurity, but at same time it's too confusing