Mornings: waking up every day and remembering I'm no longer with him

[aseeker]

The mornings are the worst for me. It's like something happens during the night while I sleep that causes me to forget everything, and when I wake up I'm assaulted with the same thought every time: I no longer have a boyfriend, we're not together.

 

I wake up with that same feeling in my stomach and the entire day is dedicated to those thoughts and to getting over them. I literally spend the day trying to forget and move on. Mid-afternoon I'm pretty good, I feel almost healed. My mind says it's best this way, we wouldn't work out anyway, I feel free and ready for everything. Sometimes I feel a bit of anger and empowerment.

 

But then I hit the bed and the cycle continues. Some days I can't even leave the bed right away, or eat (even if I'm starving). I lay in bed thinking about it. Sometimes I have dreams about him and us, which worsens it. I've been a little better lately but still, it's awful.

 

Is it normal? How much longer do I have to go through this?

 

Any tips to feel better and ease this emptiness?

[katmarie]

Here is a good analogy: you have to build up a brick wall, and you add a new brick to it every day. So even if you feel like you are not accomplishing a ton that day, you added one brick (by not contacting him, by seeing the ways you are not good together, by just getting through the day.) So be kind and patient with yourself, and give yourself some credit, show yourself love. It is hard to get over somebody, especially if they meant a lot to you and played a big role in your life! So I think what you are experiencing is totally normal. How much longer? Hard to say. I think slowly you will replace routines with other routines, and will not be constantly reminded.

 

Bedtime was the hardest for me at first. Sometimes I slept on the couch just to not sleep in the bed we shared together. Other times I would go to a kickboxing or hot yoga class and work out a few hours before bed. I pretty much would work out, eat something light, take a shower, and be ready to pass out. Other times I would take an Ibuprofen PM so I only had a limited amount of time to lie in bed and let my mind wander.

 

As for mornings, plan a brunch, study date, work shift, or something that forces you to get out of bed. When you wake up, you won't have time to dwell on it. You will just be busy, busy, busy.

 

Hope that helps a little... but just know that the struggle is normal and just means that you cared a lot for this person (hence, his loss - not yours!)

[aseeker]

Thanks katmarie

 

What frustrates me is the fact that every morning I seem to get back to where I previously was. I mean, not entirely, since I did get better, but still. I'm struggling a lot with guilt and the fact that I might not have appreciated him as much as I should. Everyone that knew us and saw us together tells me I did the best I could, and maybe it was just not the right time to be in a relationship. Maybe I/he/we weren't ready.

 

I do try to think like that, and be patient. I was never too kind to myself, never loved myself that much. I guess having a boyfriend was a good way to feel great (and having someone love me) while not trying to address those issues. Now they're quite evident and I don't know what to do with them. Need to work on that.

 

I'm starting a new job Monday, while still in college, which will definitely keep me busy. I guess I'm a bit nervous about that too, since I need to look and act my best while juggling everything. It's just a big responsibility and I feel like crap lately.... Just don't want to mess this up as well

 

Thanks again for your help, I do feel a bit better knowing I'm not being paranoid or going crazy!

[El3216]

Well. I I do the SAME exact thing. I am literally laying in my bed after just waking up.

 

As soon a I open my eyes I take a big deep breath then sigh.. Then think: she's gone and she's not coming back.

 

Like you said mid day I'm good and when I go bed I'm good ( last night sucked because of some Instagram stalking) but usually I'm good.

[aseeker]

I try to stay away from social networks as much as possible because I know it will only make me feel worse... I know it's tempting but ignorance really is bliss.

 

I will try to do that thinking exercise though

[PetiteGirl]

I couldn't stand my bed the first 2 weeks after the break up. What I did was I changed the bedding - color, texture, and sprayed a completely new scent on it. I even changed the curtains in my bedroom. I have a queen size bed, I find it helps my emotionally to move the pillow to the center and you just sleep in the middle and take up as much room as you'd like. You can also play white noise or background nature sounds. I played the sound of water in the background and it has a calming effect.

 

I also deactivated my facebook. I sent a message to my close friends and just quit cold turkey. It kinda forced me to keep in contact with people in a more personal way. I now spent less time on the computer/on my phone and more time outside socializing with my friends.

 

Every bits helped. Hang in there! I'm going through the same thing too.

[Tanzi]

You have just described my feelings EXACTLY!

 

I am more than twice your age and have been here more times than I care to admit (including a divorce), so I can assure you that it is all perfectly normal.

 

Just be assured that as time goes on, you will wake feeling like you do in the mid-afternoon ... pretty good and almost healed.

[SlammaJamma]

aseeker,

 

maybe it'll just take the natural course of time it takes for things to feel better and there really isn't any magic cure all for anything, including heart break. It often becomes a point on our end, in that we hold ourselves back from truly moving on with anything. That is natural and for some they can often not cope with what caused the loss. Sometimes it consumes them beyond a healthy amount and it then makes their lives that much harder to live.

 

You have a lot of responsibilities and weight resting on your shoulders, right in the middle of upset and heart break. I have been there many times so far in my life and although my ex likely is feeling what you are, I too feel the sting of a relationships end. It's not an easy thing to go through and while it's not a loss as tragic as through death, it often can register on a similar emotional level; it's affect to the one feeling the loss - i.e. you.

 

It will take time and for you to become reacquainted with yourself and letting yourself go through all the emotions associated with the loss of a relationship. The 7 so-called stages of grief and loss. It will take an undetermined amount of time and sometimes those who have been down that road enough times can make it through those stages faster and yet it can often be the closeness of the bond between two people that can determine just how long that time takes to heal.

 

I really wish you well and as one other poster said, lay those bricks down even if it's just one a day. Even if one or two fall off that foundation you're rebuilding, it is the willful desire of you to be whole again that will determine if you can make it through.

[Mike80]

Night time is the worst for me.

 

I can now go the whole day without her consuming my thoughts, maybe a fleeting memory here and there....but soon as I hit the bed, even right now as I type this, I zone out and think of her heavily. She was right next to me every night. Now Im alone. I often wonder if Ill ever experience the feeling of sleeping next to a woman I love every night ever again. At least youre young. I have no idea what the future holds and it scares the hell out of me.

[aseeker]

Thank you everyone for your replies, they were definitely helpful and I've been doing my best to follow your advice!

 

 

 

I tried to change my home around a bit too because many things reminded me of him. I do burn candles and incense to change the scent and to feel more relaxed. Geat tip! I hope you are healing and living your life in a healthier way

 

 

 

I guess no matter the age/time/place/life experience, a break-up will always hurt badly if we really loved that person. And even if we didn't, it's still a habit being broken, so it's rough. Some are more prepared for it, others aren't... In my case he was my first love so it did cause some damage. My mom went through the same thing as I did and I followed the entire process for over 10 years. That affected me deeply and I guess it did affect my relationship.

 

I do hope you are ok now

 

 

 

I've been doing quite well these past few days. I have accepted it is over, tried to get my life together, meeting new people and reconnecting with old ones, focusing on my studies and possible career/future... I've been very busy so that's been helping. I do fall off that balance occasionally but I've learned to take it as a sign that I need to make an extra effort and to be careful not to take things too fast. It's very motivational at times. What bothers me the most is the total absence of real contact with him, and the fact that he acts like nothing bad happened between us (or that we were even in a relationship).

 

He's already flirting with girls online (even friends of mine) and he knows I'll see it, so that really hurts. I would never do that to him. I mean, I've made a friend I really like to spend time with and we do flirt harmlessly, but not on my wall for everyone to see. We text and hang out like normal people. It's really disrespectful of him and it disgusts me to the point where I sometimes hate him for being so careless and doing exactly what he censured others for doing before. It's like he's a completely different person. But that's good because that way I'll forget him more easily and not even want to be with him anymore. But I sometimes ignore that and indulge in what ifs and maybes

 

 

 

I don't feel that as intensely because we were rarely together. We were in a LDR. But it still hurts because we talked so much it was almost as though that didn't matter, and when we were together, it was the best feeling in the world.

 

I'm young, that's what everyone keeps telling me. But I feel so old and inexperienced. I feel like there's no future for me either, professionally or emotionally. It's like all my doubts are rushing back to me and suffocating me. I believe it's because I'm graduating soon and I'm just experiencing a lot of nostalgia. I will soon be part of the "adult world" and I couldn't feel less ready

 

I'm sorry you feel that way but like everyone says, it will heal in time. No matter your age, it's never too late to try and better yourself and your life. You're just too sad and too scared right now to see it. A big part of your life was so easily discarded, you feel all the other parts can probably follow. That's not true. Your partner doesn't complete you, you have to complete yourself and find happiness within yourself and your aspirations. Family and friends are important right now so hold on to them. I know I have distanced myself from everyone else during the course of my relationship, and I have been taking the time to rebuild those connections. It's really healthy and will make you feel not so alone and lost

 

I know nights are the worst when you have a problem, be it emotional or not. Our brains are more active at that time, so it's understandable. Try exhausting yourself during the day to the point where you come home, hit the bed and fall asleep instantly because you're so tired. There are many ways: work, gym, going out with friends, or simply running. Mornings are worse for me because that's when I'm most well-rested and off-guard, and I probably had some stupid dreams about my ex

 

Hope it helps and good luck!

[aseeker]

I'm very sorry, I double posted by accident and I don't know how to remove posts.... If someone could help me, I'd appreciate it

[Tanzi]

I tried to change my home around a bit too because many things reminded me of him. I do burn candles and incense to change the scent and to feel more relaxed. Geat tip!

 

I have decided that I am going to redecorate my bedroom. I'm not sure how I am going to get on with the wallpapering though - I've never done it in my life.

 

I guess no matter the age/time/place/life experience, a break-up will always hurt badly if we really loved that person. And even if we didn't, it's still a habit being broken, so it's rough. Some are more prepared for it, others aren't... In my case he was my first love so it did cause some damage. My mom went through the same thing as I did and I followed the entire process for over 10 years. That affected me deeply and I guess it did affect my relationship.

 

I do hope you are ok now

 

I am doing OK thank you - mostly

 

You're right. It doesn't make a difference how many times you go through this, it hurts all the same. That said ... I'm sure you've heard the saying "the first cut is the deepest" ... well I believe that is true. Not because it hurt any more but because it was the first time I had experienced that pain and I had no idea how much it could hurt. It was the shock of that pain that was the hardest to cope with.

 

Now I have developed in-built shock absorbers ... unfortunately there is nothing to dull the pain!

[surfjon]

It takes a while.....and some re-focusing on life and change.

 

Mornings are still kinda hard sometimes, especially Mondays because I remember the good years we had...

 

Lazy weekends sleeping in with her, making coffee and climbing back into bed, weekending in the Keys....whatever.

 

I'm at grips with she's gone, I've accepted, but I still do miss her in my life...

[aseeker]

I miss my ex too... To this time it's still hard to remember the bad aspects of our relationship, I can only remember the good ones. Which sucks because I feel very guilty and can't really move on.

 

I feel myself drawn to other guys who have the same scent, personality or looks as he does, and I feel the need to hug them or something. It's very weird and disturbing, but I guess it will pass in time. I've always been needy but right now I'm at my highest.

 

It's complicated to deal with these emotions because our ex was all we ever wanted at some point and now they're gone and we don't know what to do with ourselves

[Looking up]

I feel for you. I myself is going though the same thing.

 

I would say the best thing to do is keep busy.

I know it's a hard thing to forget the otter person trust me

 

I went as far as selling the house and moving to another provice just to help me move on. It has helped a bit.

 

I truly do hope for the both of us and other people on here time will heal.

[princeslondon]

Hi OP,

 

I'm going through a similar thing. My ex wasn't the best looking guy or very funny and was actually a bit of an arrogant 'arse' but he was MINE and I was HIS. His hugs were mine and mine alone, his kisses his hand-holding everything. I miss the feeling of having him by my side, at the end of the phone for a chat about my day, to cry to when I'm hormonal, to laugh about things on TV with....its just the familiarity I miss, having a special someone who wanted ME....had picked ME. Knowing that that person no longer wants me is the hardest thing, knowing they no longer need me in their life for anything. I know ny ex is struggling sometimes, he at least told me that much....but he is strong and he would never text me to say he missed me or ask how i am....because he has weighed me up and decided I'm not right for him or his son. That kills me. I'm only 27, I'm young, I'm not bad looking, I'm funny and social....he is 39, twice divorced, not many friends, bit of an arse....yet HE is ok and I'm not. Rejection.....eugh....it aches x

[aseeker]

I feel for you. I myself is going though the same thing.

 

I would say the best thing to do is keep busy.

I know it's a hard thing to forget the otter person trust me

 

I went as far as selling the house and moving to another provice just to help me move on. It has helped a bit.

 

I truly do hope for the both of us and other people on here time will heal.

 

Indeed, keeping your mind off things is the best approach. Overthinking will make you exhausted, feel crazy, insecure, and so much more. A waste of time and energy!

 

Best of luck to you my dear

 

Hi OP,

 

I'm going through a similar thing. My ex wasn't the best looking guy or very funny and was actually a bit of an arrogant 'arse' but he was MINE and I was HIS. His hugs were mine and mine alone, his kisses his hand-holding everything. I miss the feeling of having him by my side, at the end of the phone for a chat about my day, to cry to when I'm hormonal, to laugh about things on TV with....its just the familiarity I miss, having a special someone who wanted ME....had picked ME. Knowing that that person no longer wants me is the hardest thing, knowing they no longer need me in their life for anything. I know ny ex is struggling sometimes, he at least told me that much....but he is strong and he would never text me to say he missed me or ask how i am....because he has weighed me up and decided I'm not right for him or his son. That kills me. I'm only 27, I'm young, I'm not bad looking, I'm funny and social....he is 39, twice divorced, not many friends, bit of an arse....yet HE is ok and I'm not. Rejection.....eugh....it aches x

 

I don't know how ok my ex is and I do my best not to care/find out. I think that's the best way to go. Your ex may look fine and be just as messed up as you are, trust me, they can hide it very well - they do it in order to make us feel even worse. The trick is not to care, and care only about how YOU feel. And if you feel that bad, it's a good thing. It means you're on your way to recovery/healing!

 

I too miss him. Our moments together (the good ones, which are unfortunately the ones I remember best) are still present, and make me crave for affection. Not necessarily from him, because I am too hurt and can't trust him anymore. So I'd never be able to be with him again; I saw his darkest side and it scared me to the point of wanting nothing to do with him anymore. It's just so unthinkable how you can be with someone and never really know them!

 

I'm on that pedestal stage somewhat, where I hold him there, all rotten and broken and yet not to blame at all. I still believe I deserved most of what he did, that it was justified. It's an awful feeling! Especially when he keeps trying to hurt me and be so awful to me. It's a very non-productive thing, and I just hope I snap out of it soon.

 

I never contacted him during our months apart, but he did it non-stop for really stupid things and always acting like nothing had happened. It hurt so much at first. I should have blocked him and ignored him but I just thought "it's not a big deal, I don't have to act childish to that extent" but it really wasn't childish, it was reasonable. I didn't see it that way then, and I guess he took advantage of that to know he could affect me still.

 

I'm quite numb when it comes to him and our old relationship now. I can't feel much, I just want it to go away basically. If he got someone else, I'd probably feel like crap because of what you said: he was mine, I was his, we were a couple... And seeing someone else in my spot is just hard, I can't really wrap my mind around it. Even if I have someone else in his place right now, I didn't do it out of spite or anything. I didn't want it to happen at first and I still don't want him to find out, for some stupid reason. I bet he won't have the slightest problem showing off the next girl he gets. But to me, it felt like I needed to respect him and his grieving time. I'm such an idiot! He'll hate me either way and I don't need him to like me. He doesn't respect me, doesn't want me, doesn't care. So I should probably start doing the same, except I don't want to be like him. I don't want to stoop to his level.

 

So right now I ignore him, it's like he doesn't exist. I act like a normal break-up to others, no big deal. I know I might come off cold and unfeeling, well, that's just my way to cope and everyone has theirs. I can't try to control how everyone feels about me, it's just insane. Especially him.

 

I guess I'm feeling like this because I have a new boyfriend, and he probably numbed all those feelings. If we break up, they'll probably come back and I'll feel ten times worse. I should have waited and be left alone but I was desperate to make it go away. And when I found someone who happened to be almost perfect for me, it felt wrong to let the opportunity pass just because I was hurting. It's not like things always come at the right time (mostly they don't), and we have to deal with that. If it works out, great; if not, I'll just have to deal with a second rejection (on either part) and learn from this mistake

[Watergirl777]

I'm going through the same, I can't sleep or eat properly and when I do wake up in the morning it all comes flooding back. The first and last thing I think about is him and it kills even more knowing that it's more than likely he's seeing someone new! I cannot find that out yet, I just want him vanished from my heart and brain and my mind. I guess they are just gonna be there until one day they're not anymore! Damn this heartbreak, it's a killer!!

[aseeker]

I'm going through the same, I can't sleep or eat properly and when I do wake up in the morning it all comes flooding back. The first and last thing I think about is him and it kills even more knowing that it's more than likely he's seeing someone new! I cannot find that out yet, I just want him vanished from my heart and brain and my mind. I guess they are just gonna be there until one day they're not anymore! Damn this heartbreak, it's a killer!!

 

Feeling that way is healthy in the way that everything was not a waste, you did all you could and can have a clean conscience about the whole thing. Don't worry, he'll end up feeling just like you are now, sooner or later, when he realizes the mistake he's made.

 

It takes time to move on, and everyone's pace is different. You will bounce back many times, but recovery is granted! Just be strong, get as distracted as possible and engage in new activities/routines.

 

I read somewhere that the person who causes you the most pain OR the most happiness is the one you wake up with and go to sleep with on your mind. Sometimes, it's the same person I guess that's our case...

[Watergirl777]

Thank you aseeker, oh it's just awful pain. Here's to everyone recovery of a broken heart! I just wouldn't wish this upon anyone. X

[aw4919]

. Don't worry, he'll end up feeling just like you are now, sooner or later, when he realizes the mistake he's made.

 

I feel like it's really vindicative of me to want this. But I want this.

[Watergirl777]

Hope so coz I'm suffering, the unfeeling, coward creep!

[aseeker]

I feel like it's really vindicative of me to want this. But I want this.

 

Hope so coz I'm suffering, the unfeeling, coward creep!

 

I think it's human nature. You feel so hurt and in pain, you need him to acknowledge that and the only way is to make him suffer too. Wanting that doesn't make you a bad person; if you act on it, on the other hand, it does. And, really, why would you waste your time and energy with that person? Let life do its job. Karma is a very accurate process, even if slow at times

 

Just don't allow that vindictive feeling to consume your life and your thoughts. THAT will cause you more pain and frustration than it will to your ex, trust me. And you really don't want need to feel worse. It will become an obsession and that's not a healthy thing. Just go on with your life; indulge once in a while in a little vindictiveness if it provides some pleasure but nothing too dramatic. Accept things as they are and don't give them too much importance