Why Now?

[DestructoBoy]

Hello to everyone!

 

I'm curious to see what some of you may think about what my ex has now done. We've been broken up for a year now and it is still a very painful memory.

 

Yesterday I received an email from her saying she "needed" to tell me something" and that she ran into a friend of mine at her job. She wanted me to call her or if she could call me. She signed it Love, her She has never ended any email with that in a year. She's always very short and says "until next time" I wrote back telling her to just send me an email to state what it was.

 

Well she ended up text messaging me saying this:

 

Her: "I just wanted to say I have been doing a lot of thinking and I'm truly sorry that at certain times I made you feel like a crazy man"

 

Me: "Why now?"

 

Her: "I was young and clueless on how to have a serious relationship. There may have been times when I drove you crazy."

 

Me: "Confused, why now?"

 

Her: "Because better late than never. I don't want to bother you, just want to say sorry for making you feel crazy."

 

Me: NOTHING.............

 

Her: "I know you aren't crazy. I see that you cared for me deeply. I am sorry I hurt you."

 

Me: Nothing again........

 

Her: "I never really got it until recently. Look I probably look stupid right now but I had to let you know how deeply sorry I am that I hurt you. Take it for what you will."

 

 

I know, a lot to put into a text message. It would take me a week to type what she did into my phone.

 

 

I'm not going to contact her again.

 

I wonder why now? She has already apologized several times for this and I have long forgiven her for her youth and mistakes.

 

Why now and why again?

[sbrew21]

Sometimes running into people can bring back a lot of memories and your mind starts remembering how things used to be, and you start to cherish those moments more and more especially when you start to grow up a little bit. She knows you were a great guy and she let you go and is probably realizing its hard to find a good catch these days. I don't know if she wants to get back together with you or try and rekindle anything from the past but I do believe she does want you in her life and she probably feels bad.

She might have been in a relationship that just recently ended and she is sad and now knows how you must of felt and can relate.

In a year people can definitely change but I don't think people ever forget. I don't think you have to ignore her unless you honestly want nothing to do with her. Its in your court now. She is vulnerable right now.

[annie24]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I've been situations where I'm in a relationship, and for example, a guy does something or says something to me that totally makes me angry. Then I realize that I did the exact same thing in a previous relationship a few years back. I think of the ex and then truly want to apologize to him for my nutty behavior. The only thing is, I never contacted the ex to apologize. I just figured that he had moved on years ago, and wouldn't really care for an apology by now. I just made a mental note to myself not to do it again to the next guy.

 

Like the previous post said, perhaps she was in a new relationship, and something reminded her of how not nice she was towards you at times. Maybe she thinks you still care? Do you?

[DestructoBoy]

I loved her with all my heart. A huge part of me will always care about her.

 

I'm just confused as to why she is saying this now. She has done a few strange things in the past to make me question her motive....

 

Basically this seemed to set me back. I had terrible nightmares last night and a tightening in my chest.

 

She got into a relationship very soon after we broke up and as far as I know they're still together?

 

This all still hurts...

 

It is nice of her to let me know but......we've been through this already.

[gersanos]

It is never too late to make amends with a person. It doesn't matter if it takes a few days, or if it's a few years down the road. The point of amends is not for the person receiving them, it is for the one making them. I have done it before with ex's after I had felt guilty about the way I treated them, and in some cases it was well over a year before I did something similar to the texts you received. I did it for my own sake, clear my conscience, my side of the street, and be able to continue with that attitude into my next relationship. And I ended it similarly to what she said. It does not matter how the person receiving the amends reacts, the purpose is for the one making them to be sincere and clear away any wreckage from his or her past. Usually the person who receives them reacts positively (maybe because in today's society most people don't do this after they had done someone wrong). But if the person who receives them acts with hatred or anger, then oh well. That is there problem, the one who made amends and was sincere has cleared their side of the street. Every amends I made with a girl amounted to her wanting to hang out and giving me her number again. Never once did I hook up with her. I just kept it friendly. Just a principle of mine. Making amends to get the other person back is an ulterior motive - amends are to be made for your own sake & sanity.

[DestructoBoy]

I agree about amends....

 

However, how many times is it necessary to make "amends" after a break up? We have done this several times....this one is a more "heart felt". Nonetheless we've been over this before. This was a settled matter and I had told her this months ago several times.

[Dylan]

she probably wants to be loved and you probably did alot for and she probably took advantage of that. she probably has noone else to call. dont buy into it

[gersanos]

Amends are to be done only once. And only if you are sincere. It seems to me that she is using this as some sort of bait. She has ulterior motives.

[DestructoBoy]

This is what she sent tonight in an email I received at school...

 

I hope I didn't say anything bad or hurtful last night. I am sorry I snapped at you the last time we spoke. I don't at $$%%% anymore so, if you ever have the urge to write me do it to my yahoo account.

 

 

I have been doing some soul searching and have discovered a few things about my self that I blinded myself to b/c I didn't want to see it. Well I realize I can't keep my eyes shut to myself my whole life. If that continues I will only have bad things come my way and not in any good. But I the other night I was thinking about you and realizing how I hurt you and I can imagine how I made you feel.. A little crazy. Well anyway I was thinking about you and that song "Dry your eyes came on". It overwhelmed me and I had to stop my car and start crying.

 

You probably don't want to hear all this but I have to make peace with this. I am so deeply sorry for making you feel crazy and hurting you. I know you are a good guy and you never meant to hurt me either. I know good things will come your way (ME). I read this book, The Four Agreements. It's a small read but maybe it's something you might want to read. Anyway I don't want to take up anymore of your time. I hope I didn't hurt you with this email, and I hope it wasn't something bad to hear. Well (Me), I hope you have a good week.

 

 

Again, we've been through this several times before. Why does she only now fully realize. I forgave her so long ago for these things. I can't lie about it not hurting me very much. I thought that lump in my throat was gone?

 

I know, it's the same broken heart song on a broken record. I just really needed a place to come for unbiased opinions, and this is the best place I've ever seen for it.

[raccoon]

hmmm. this is a tough one.

 

I read your posts and have my theories as to why she is reaching out to you, but I'm not sure as to what YOU want from all of this.

 

If you don't want to hear from her anymore because you've moved on or because this is too emotionally distracting for you, I think a quick e-mail saying something along the lines of "Thanks for the nice words. I forgave you for everything a long time ago. I appreciate the nice letter, but you really shouldn't worry about me. I hope you are well. Take care," should do the trick. Polite. Kind. Hard to argue with.

 

I suspect that she is just lonely. When we have a low point in our life we try to reach out to the people who treated us lovingly in the past. I think that's what she's doing. If you want to be her friend, than you can do that if you feel up to it. If you don't, than you don't really owe her anything. But I would be very sceptical if she wants to renew a relationship with you. Sorry to be a downer, but it's quite likely you could get hurt all over again.

 

Good luck

[avman]

I would not assume that she wants to resume the relationship. She is just trying to make peace for some of the things that happened in the past. Thats fine. But you need to look out for #1 now. Don't spend any energy worrying about her anymore.

 

You said it already, you've forgiven her and let things go. So leave them there. If you must respond I think raccoon had the best words for that. And then leave her behind. Its true, you don't owe her anything.

 

I also don't want to see you hurt again. I remember what you were like before and I felt awful for you. You are so much better off now, trust me.

[sbrew21]

I think you should do what racoon says. Great idea and move on and have your closure.

[DestructoBoy]

Thank you all for the thoughts. It's great to know I can still come here and spill my guts.

 

I'm not going to do anything. If any of you are familiar with my sufferings you know I'd only be setting myself up for a hard fall. She's done this to me several times in the last year. Each time I think she's being sincere and I would call or write her back only to hear how happy she is....(all bull pucky).

 

A girl friend of mine put it best; "This is just a ploy of a young girl"

 

Definition of ploy An action calculated to frustrate an opponent or gain an advantage indirectly or deviously; a maneuver

 

I'm not claiming she is being devious or evil. Something must have happened to set all of this emotion from her?

 

I miss her a lot. She had a few qualities that I would like my next love to have. Unfortunately she also had a lot of qualities I never want to see again in this lifetime.

 

It's so hard not to call her or respond when she seems so down and is being so sweet...... but..... Refer to the definition of PLOY above.