Not again!!!!

[StandTall]

Fortunately for me, it has been a while since I've felt the need to post here. I am about 9 months out of a very painful breakup, and had just recently begun to let someone new into my life. We have only dated about a month, but it went from 0-60 in like 3 seconds. Things seemed to be going great, and I was enjoying that euphoric new feeling that I thought I would never feel again. We were talking about four times a day, and things seemed well. We both left town on business trips, and I called her while she was gone. I didn't hear from her, and called her 24 hours later. She told me that she had been tied up. Then, we had plans to get together the night before I left town again, and she told me that she had to work late. We met the next morning for breakfast, and I offered her an out. I made it clear that I am not at all into the games, and she assured me that she wanted to remain exclusive with me. I went away for the weekend, and came back excited to talk with her and see her. I called her several times with no answer, and I got that empty feeling in my stomach that I know all too well. I had plans to go to her house, and she asked if she could come over instead. I asked her if she was staying over, and she said no. I told her to just come out with it, and she confirmed that things were not working out as she was not ready for a full-blown relationship. I cannot believe I'm dealing with this crap again! I feel no incentive to open up to anyone again anytime soon. Can anyone offer help? Thanks.

[RayKay]

OUCH! I am very sorry to hear this.

 

It sounds like things were just moving too fast for her in light that she was just not sure yet what her feelings were. This is something I know I try to be more cautious of now and try to take things maybe painfully slow now...sometimes willingly, sometimes much to my chagrin as I force it so the guy does not burn out either!

 

It seems odd she would go from stating she did want to be exclusive one day, to saying no way another though. Is there any chance that you could still see each other but just slow way down (as hard as it is)? Sometimes just seeing each other a couple times a week and talking only once or twice a day can make all the difference! It gives us our freedom and our sense of self, but also makes us miss the other person and value the time we have together more.

 

I would just recommend in the future, to slow things down, even when you want it to go fast, as you can burn out on each other! I have learned this lesson a few times, and am finally following it - as HARD as it is sometimes. Cultivating a friendship is crucial to a long lasting relationship.

 

Think of a new relationship this way...when you build a fire, you build it slowly - with paper and kindling, smaller sticks, then larger ones, then bigger logs. It grows slowly, and burns very long - usually until you force it out...as long as you keep building it, it will grow. On the other hand, if you skip from kindling to larger logs, your fire will usually not catch, or will die out quickly. There is not history there to keep it going. So, while it takes longer to get there...the reward is waiting at the end, just be patient and trust that you have time on your side

[Vanilla]

standtall

 

oh dear. UNFORTUNATELY that is life. Some people have it easier than others...however most people experience the same thing you are going through right now. One heartbreak after another. Maybe this will teach you that you shouldnt attach yourself to someone so quickly. You can not do that, you need to take your time. Although you asked her if she wanted an exclusive relationship and she said yes, one month is not enough. people soemtimes think they do and then have time to think about it and are like "what on earth was i thinking"

 

I am sure you are an amazing man, and you seem to want something to last and special. Take yuor time. Don't go from 0-60 next time. Enjoy yourselves and take it slow. Taking things too fast is the fastest and easiest way to get your heart broken.

 

Imagine people in long term relationships sometimes want out and leave their partner wondeirng "what the hell went wrong?? I thought I knew this person!"...well chances are that in one month that will happen even more. Someitmes everything is going great andpeople while not looking for something serious meet someone amazing...and only time will really make them feel they want something serious.

 

And if you just don't feel like BSing around and you want a real commitment state that from the beginning before you date someone for sometime. Let them know what they are getting into, not just suddenly after dating tell them that and maybe confuse them. You know what I mean?

 

I know it must be really scary to even think of opening up to someone else again. I think everyone in this forum knows that. But how are you ever supposed to find that someone if you dont let them in?? Just learn from this experience.

 

Wishing you the best of luck!

-schatzie

[StandTall]

Well, the hard part fpr me to figure out is that it wasn't me driving things at a quick pace- It was her. I would have no plans to see her, and she would call to ask if she could see me. She really seemed 110% into me, and for a short while I was thinking "Life is good". Then she flaked out as so many woman in my past have, and left me where I am now. I really feel hurt.

[Vanilla]

oh standtall....i know just ho wyou feel. Ive been there before. we all have. people just leave us standing there when we think they would stick around. how naive we were. how naive we are everytime we start a relationship. but what else can we do but cope?

 

Maybe she thought she wanted something and then realized it wasnt that way. So many people dont know what they want. just be glad in the midst of all your hurt that it was within 1 month and not after 10 mos.

 

Dont shut out other people because of bad experiences. dont let the past dictate your future. im sure you'll pick up the pieces just fine. we're all here for you.

[StandTall]

I just felt like maybe I had a break coming my way as I've been through so much in the last few months, and now it has been ripped right out from under me. I really feel myself losing my sense of trust at this point. I feel like love is a broken record which I've listened to way more than I care to.

[StandTall]

I think the bottom line is that I am feeling very vulnerable, and as if I have let my guard down. Here I am returning from celebrating my birthay with friends and looking forward to being with her, and I get kicked in the head. I know many have it far worse than I do. Should I become the cold, heartless prick who seems to never get hurt and do so well with the ladies?

[RayKay]

Should I become the cold, heartless prick who seems to never get hurt and do so well with the ladies?

 

Not unless you want cold, heartless "ladies".

[StandTall]

But that is all I seem to be meeting anyway. Is no one genuine anymore? Is there no one who is "What you see is what you get?"

[RayKay]

But that is all I seem to be meeting anyway. Is no one genuine anymore? Is there no one who is "What you see is what you get?"

 

Sure some of us are....I belong among that minority. You have to remember, that those tend to be the girls that are taken very early on as they are the good ones...you need to look harder for them

[Vanilla]

you are hurt right now. dont generalize just because you've had bad luck in the past. that is saying that "all men as jerks liars who will cheat on you" is totally true, and you dont seem to be one of them.

 

Yes you are vulnerable, pepople become vulnerable to others when they're looking for love and you andeveryone else knows that every time it is a risk you have to take to meet the right person. you can dwell on it all you want, you are hurting thats fine. But don't turn into some heartless jerk just because you met some wrong people.

 

how old are you? (im curious)

[StandTall]

31.

[Vanilla]

it seems to me that maybe subconsiously this hurts you even more or freaks you out even more because you broke into your 30s already. You know the age where you should be with someone by now, settling down planning a future. some people are 50 still loooking for real love. don't stop believing, just dont look so hard. You'll attract the wrong kind of people. trust me, it happens to everyone! you'll find a nice girl one day. Good things come to those who wait, sometimes those who wait longer than others

[Scout]

I think some of us attract people who rush relationships. I don't know why that is, but I for one, have decided no more rushing. It never, ever works out.

 

I am going to reserve my judgement on people for at least three to six months, because it takes that long to get an idea of their true colors.

 

StandTall, you are not alone - men and women both go through this, ok? Please, if you become jaded, you will stay unhappy. But you must exercise restraint in future relationships. Don't rush things and don't let yourself be rushed! If you stick to this, healthier people will start to be attracted to you.